The Adventures of Aaron Proctor

The June 3rd election is quickly approaching and it’s about time The Most Electrifying Man In Pasadena gave his choices.

44th Assembly District

Here’s Anthony Portantino Telling Someone To “Go Get His Fucking Shinebox”

Here in the 44th Assembly District - or the “Foety-Foe” as we call it on the streets - there’s quite a stranglehold held on us by one Anthony “Fat Tony” Portantino. So much that even his Wikipedia article was hacked the other day. I’m sure that person will be wearing cement shoes quite soon. Anthony wouldn’t even give me my cut of the Lufthansa heist. By the way, Tony, I want 5 on Dartmouth.

Anthony might be from Long Branch, New Jersey and work in “waste management” but that doesn’t stop his bright-eyed and bushy-tailed challenger, one Brian Fuller.

Brian’s a Republican, he has youth (the kids seem to like that even though they forget to go out and vote), deep local roots, and a whole lot of common sense.

Straight from the elephant’s mouth when asked what his campaign is about:

It is about quality of life and how we can improve it: budget (education is in the mix as budget talks run into that big elephant in the room), freeways, gerrymandering and illegal immigration. As I am not flush with cash nor have the favorable demographics, I have to conduct a campaign that chooses its moves judiciously (thank you gerrymandering!).

Sounds good enough to me. I’ll be voting for the underdog, Brian Fuller, on June 3rd.

**

29th Congressional District

Not that Adam Schiff…

Welcome to the Two-Nine. Man, does it suck to have Adam Schiff as your Congressman. I mean, the only thing cool about the dude is that he shares the same name as a character on Law & Order from back in the day. Not only does the guy personify the term “limousine-liberal”, he’s made acting like a dick “cool” for the people who work below him, namely Pasadena City Council Members.

Adam Schiff has never once - once - returned a phone call to me - either as a plain old constituent of his OR a politician. Schiff’s a pretty unreliable dude and sources tell me he’s dumber than a bag of nails. Plus he’s got every single Democrat politican and Democrat newspaper on his jock.

What the PSN won’t really tell you, though, is that Adam actually has an opponent in June. His name is Charles Hahn. He’d like to be your Congressman in the 29th. I had the pleasure of meeting Charles at the last PRC dinner. Very nice guy.

Dude wants to get rid of inheritance taxes, stop runaway production in the movie industry (”Take that shit back to Hollywood!” as one of my District 1 friends says quite often), and lower health care costs. Fine and dandy. This is what really caught my eye, though, from his bio page:

Age 38

Cool: youth. I like that.

Married to Dr. Heidi Park, DDS for 6 years

Maybe if he gets elected, he can help fix my teeth?

Daughter, Nicole Hahn, 3 years old, who likes ballet and tap dancing

That’s cool.

Graduated UCLA, with a degree in Spanish Literature

I’m a USC fan, but that’s ok..nobody’s perfect.

Black Belts in Judo, Jiu Jit-Tsu, and Tae Kwon Do

Ok..ok…this is my 2nd favorite thing on the guy’s bio. Hahn vs. Sid Tyler - oh my god, imagine the possibilities.

Fluent in Four Languages

That’ll help out a lot, actually.

Self Employed Financial Advisor

I like the fact he’s not a former Federal Prosecutor.

Favorite Food: Cheese Burgers!

YES! There it is. Dude likes cheeseburgers. How can you NOT vote for him!?

**

Props 98 & 99

According to Joe Piasecki’s bleeding heart wussy Liberal article in the Pasadena Weekly, voting “Yes” on Proposition 98 would be like making out with Satan himself. Here’s the truth about Prop 98, though, that you won’t hear from the liberal media in Pasadena:

• First of all, none of us will ever have to hear that disgusting phrase “rent control” ever again. I mean, I was a staunch supporter of rent control before I got the real facts. Rent control ruins communities and would ruin Pasadena. Socialist Sacramento won’t be able to tell property owners what price they can sell or rent their properties.
• If you own a home, the People’s Republic of Pasadena just can’t take it from you and decide to build a “Urban Shopping Center” which will be torn up in a year and filled with graffiti and drugs.
• The government can’t take residential property and simply turn it into “government housing”.

So, I’m voting Yes on Prop 98 and No on Prop 99. If you believe in free enterprise and believe in America and don’t want neighborhoods destroyed by that ugly “rent control” word, I urge you to do the same. I also find it funny how the people telling me to vote “No” on Prop 98 are the people who laughed at me when I brought up “rent control” during my campaign. Just goes to show you who the hypocrites are in Pasadena. *coughs*Democrats*Coughs*.
For more on Prop 98, please visit this link.

**

Yes, gentlemen, this chick is a reporter. Very hot but the PSN’s dress code comes into question.

The Aaron Proctor Interview Series continues today with a most interesting guest. The Proc met up with Pasadena Star-News “Adventure Girl” reporter Michelle Mills (better known as last year’s Queen of the Doo Dah parade) and had a few drinks, all the while asking her a lot of very important questions.
The Proc: Which is more dangerous? Jumping out of an airplane or eating at the Hometown Buffet on Rosemead?

Michelle Mills: I’d rather take my chances jumping out of an airplane- that goes double if the pilot is cute!

The Proc: Sneak into Frank Girardot’s desk and get me a burbon on the rocks.

MM: No can do. Frank’s a Jack Daniels man - Gentleman Jack, that is - a real man’s drink. If that doesn’t make you happy, I might still have some tequila left in the flask I hide in my cleavage.

The Proc: After becoming Queen of the Doo Dah parade, do you have bigger aspirations? Rose Parade Grand Marshal? Balloon of yourself in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade? Guest star on “Law & Order: SVU”?

MM: Is there anything bigger than being the Queen of the 31st Occasional Doo Dah Parade? Perhaps touring as the lead vocalist of hard rock/heavy metal band or riding my ‘65 Triumph Daytona Special chopper wherever the road calls or perhaps dancing with my swords on “Monster Garage“? Oh yeah… I’ve done that..

The Proc: Why is Brendan Fraser usually in the absolute worst films?!

MM: Hmmmm… that’s a good question, as I don’t recall seeing him on the set when I worked the Troma film, “Free Ride.” It was a motorcyle beach vampire flick and I was the only one of the cast who survives. It was so bad that you can’t even find it in the 99-cent bin at the video store.

The Proc: Which of my follow pick-up lines will work on you? First one is: “Nice tiara. Wanna fuck?”

MM: Not so much…. but at least you’re somewhat honest and I do like that in a guy, although that “Electrifying” thing is sorta scary. Can I bring my whip?

The Proc: How about “Want to grab a late edition of the Saturday Evening Post?”

MM: What are you? Some old pervert in a knit sweater and red sneakers?

The Proc: What are some of your favorite TV shows?

MM: I’m not big on TV - there’s so many other better things to do - but I admit that I’m partial to “Jeopardy” and I have to watch “NCIS” because my mother calls me to talk about it. She says, “You know, the guy with the pretty eyes, well he… ” and if I miss the show I don’t know who the heck she’s talking about! “Family Guy” is pretty fun too. Oooo! and “Numb3rs” because it’s filmed at Caltech!

The Proc: You should do a new column called “Less Than Adventure Girl”. You can do things like stand on your head for 20 seconds, cut out coupons, and go to the DMV and then tell us all about it.

MM: I’ll share your suggestion with my editor when I take a break from diving with sharks, driving race cars and hanging with rock stars.

The Proc: Is Councilman Steve Madison smarter than a fifth grader?

MM: His diploma says so, but I’ll do the math if we ever split the bill for lunch.

The Proc: As Queen of the Doo Dah Parade, can you declare war on South Pasadena? I mean, any place that has a Pavilion’s and a Von’s right next to each other is totally fucked in the head.

MM: South Pasadena is already akin to a war zone with it’s poorly maintained roads and lack of streetlights. I’d rather give the town what it really needs- a big hug and some new asphalt.

The Proc: Where have all the cowboys gone?

MM: They’re up on their fences. (I heard that from the Eagles).

The Proc: Do all the ladies at the PSN miss Todd Ruiz?

MM: Oh yes, Aaron, they just sit at their desks glumly pining away for him all day… sigh….

The Proc: Is (PSN reporter) Jeanette Williams really Diana Rigg?

MM: It’s quite possible. I have spotted a pair of white platform boots under her desk.

The Proc: I’ve asked this to people before. Give me two true facts and one fake fact about yourself. Not in that order, either.

MM: I drank the entire Mt. San Antonio College Flying Team under the table. I was 86′d from the 35er for three months. I sang a duet of “Green Manalishi” with Rob Halford of Judas Priest.

The Proc: Am I wrong for wanting to punch mimes in the face?

MM: No, mimes and clowns scare me too. But snakes are cool.

The Proc: You know how that new business that sells office furniture just opened across the street from the PSN? Doesn’t that store need a more creative name than “Office Furniture”?

MM: At least you know what they sell. Crate and Barrel is very misleading….

The Proc: Speaking of things around the PSN, you know the talking walk signals at Lake & Colorado? Wouldn’t they be way funnier if they were in Huell Howser’s voice?

MM: Even better if they were in Darth Vader’s voice!

The Proc: This question was a derogatory question about Larry Wilson and has been removed.

MM: Thank you. Larry’s a pretty cool guy and I like working with him.

The Proc: Who would win in a fight between the lead singer of Cinderella and the lead singer of Night Ranger?

MM: Let’s see, Cinderella hails from Philly, while Night Ranger came from San Francisco… My bet is gonna go on Motley Crue.

The Proc: Do you feel discriminated against when people ask if blondes or brunettes have more fun?

MM: Heck no~ everyone knows redheads rock!

The Proc: Remember when kids used to have to make dioramas for book reports in grade school? I miss making those.

MM: Oooo, I loved making those too, especially for my dead Japanese beetle, butterfly and dragonfly collection.

The Proc: What do you think of the blogosphere?

MM: Why? What are the bloggers saying about me?

The Proc: Ever hear that local Goth band Demonika & The Darklings? Aren’t they pretty terrible?

MM: I don’t care for their sound, but I have to admire their tenacity and ability to always have a gig somewhere.

The Proc: Follow-up question: Isn’t every Goth band (post 1987) pretty terrible?

MM: Most are too commercial for my taste, but I am a fan of Cradle of Filth and Lacuna Coil.

The Proc: Board games. “Trouble” or “Sorry”?

MM: “Battleship.”

The Proc: Remember the days before cell phones when people actually had to memorize or write down phone numbers?

MM: Omigawd, you mean I can stop carrying that address book in my purse?!

The Proc: What’s the best blog in Pasadena run by a former Mayoral candidate whose initials are A.P.?

MM: Hmmm… Could it be “The Adventures of Aaron Proctor”?

MM (cont’d): Thank you for inviting me for an interview. It is a pleasure and an honor to be included in your series. And super thanks for not stiffing me with the tab from our more-than-three-martini lunch!

Your readers are invited to learn more about me at www.insidesocal.com/doodah and Mickie’s Zoo. They can read my journalistic efforts at www.sgvn.com and www.dabelly.com. And lastly, learn where I’m dancing next at www.almasearabesque.com.

**

Hey, as much bad as I say about the PSN (and I say a LOT of bad things about the PSN), at least they have some cool people over there. Except Fred Ortega. He’s a ham and egger.

Tomorrow: Robert Parry joins the Series. Robert keeps the politicos in line over in Monrovia - so I don’t have to.

Any time the City Council gladhands PUSD, take a shot. You’ll be drunk tonight.

Happy Monday,

- AP

The Proc’s refrigerator doesn’t say anything this morning because the mailbox has the floor.

All right, all right, who’s the anonymous joker?

Someone sent me a picture of cupcakes in the mail (I know, I know, you can barely see it) - with no return address. It had me dying laughing when I opened the envelope.

I’m assuming it’s Larry Wilson because of all of the glitter and frilly borders. But it could be other Ham-And-Egger Award winners Frank Girardot or Fred Ortega. Why? Because this was not only sent to me by mail, it was sent to my place of employment - something I don’t advertise on my website but is known in a few certain circles.

Good job, though, guys - it’s hanging on my wall now. Everyone at work thinks I have a secret admirer.

**

Aaron Proctor: Pasadena Dignitary, Paragon of Virtue, and Role Model To Children Everywhere

Not only do I embody the heart, soul, and minds of Pasadenans - I’ve also been quite the print superstar this week.

I had a quote in the Pasadena Star-News on Tuesday.

I had a letter printed in the San Diego City Beat.

AND I have my first ever article as a “reporter” printed in this week’s Pasadena Weekly.

What’s next for The Most Electrifying Man in Pasadena? I should be hearing from US News & World Report and The Daily Show any time.

**

Bike Week Pasadena starts on May 12th. Get out those Livestrong bracelets and tight lycra pants, boys.

Unfortunately for the bikers, there were a lot more events planned for Bike Week that just didn’t make a cut. Luckily, I was resourceful enough to provide you “bikers” (but not the cool, tough, All-American motorcycle kind) with a list of what you could have been doing:

TOP TEN BIKE WEEK PASADENA EVENTS THAT DIDN’T MAKE THE CUT

10. Larry Wilson’s “Race For The Bore”
9. Bike Jousting
8. The Orange Grove Liquor Stores’ Drunken Peloton
7. Bike & Smoke Through The Paseo
6. Joe Piasecki’s Bleeding Heart Liberal 5k Race
5. Jumping Bikes Off Of Suicide Bridge
4. Race Your Bike Against Madison’s Maserati
3. Ann Erdman On A Unicycle
2. Female Topless Biking On Lambert Avenue
1. “Push People Off Of Segeways” Contest
**

The Aaron Proctor Interview Series is in full-swing. The Proc got down to the center of the anti-smoking controversy rocking Pasadena by getting an exclusive interview with Dr. Takashi Wada. (1x Ham And Egger Award Winner!)

Dr. Wada is the Director of the Pasadena Public Health Department and Pasadena’s Public Health Officer. Let’s see if he can go one on one with the Great One.

Dr. Takashi Wada: Mr. Proctor (Most Electrifying Man in Pasadena),

Thank you again for considering me for your interview series, especially given the VIP list of prior interviewees (Jesus, CM Melekian, your mother, etc.) It was good seeing and hearing you at the city council meeting when you spoke about our proposed smoking regulations. The opposition had some solid points and I agree that there are other vitally important issues affecting our community, but I do believe that the council made the right decision and I feel that Pasadena will be healthier for it.

For that, I guess I get the Ham and Egger Award and some vitriol directed my way.

The Proc: You’re the Director of the Pasadena Public Health Department AND Pasadena’s Public Health Officer. Why are you hogging all of the jobs that nobody else wants?

Dr. Takashi Wada: It’s a great department with dedicated staff and programs that make Pasadena a healthier place. Plus, as Health Officer, I get to carry a badge and bust crooked doctors and quarantine people. It also looks good on my resume, right after my other high profile past jobs - dishwasher, bartender, shirt folder for a clothing store, and assistant editor at MTV.

The Proc: If Clearman’s North Woods Inn were in Pasadena, would they get an F because they let you throw the peanuts on the floor?

TW: Peanuts on the floor are OK, but elephants or monkeys eating the peanuts off the floor inside the restaurant would not be viewed favorably.

The Proc: I really think you should check out the bologna and the hot dogs at the 99 Cents Store next to PCC.

TW: Thanks for the advice. I’ll be requesting them to cater our next health department event. Aside from being real tasty, you can use the left over hot dogs as lawn darts and the bologna as Frisbees.

The Proc: Can you give Robin’s Wood Fire BBQ & Grill an A+? I’ll give you a dollar.

TW: I can’t take your dollar or give them an A +. However, if they named something after me - say the “WadaSpecial” which would be a WadaBurger, some WadaCarrot Sticks, and a tall glass o’ Wada with a slice of lemon…. I may reconsider. After all, didn’t they name some patty melt after you?

(The Proc’s Note: Yes, yes they did.)

The Proc: Speaking of which, when you were a kid and your mom made you Brussel sprouts, did you pull out one of those placards that say “C” on them?

TW: I love Brussel sprouts, broccoli, granola, spinach, etc. Haven’t you already labeled me as one of those leftist type bozos that you always ridicule in your blog?

The Proc: Why don’t we have a Wendy’s in Pasadena? Nobody will answer this for me.

TW: Who needs a Wendy’s when you can have a 99 cent store hot dog?

The Proc: I heard a rumor that you once went down to Central America and beat the crap out of some rebel forces. Did they loosely base the “Delta Force” movies on you?

TW: The rumor is false. I was not in Central America beating the crap out of some rebel forces … I was WITH the rebel forces! Remember, I’m a supposed Che Guevarra styled leftist bozo.

The Proc: I think you should have a sitcom. We could call it “A Lotta Wada”.

TW: I would prefer “A WholeLottaWada”.

The Proc: Why is the 35er called a dive bar when a Guinness is $6 there? If you want to see a real dive bar, go to R Place or the 1881.

TW: Good choices. What about the ‘Rado or is that getting too hip these days? I used to frequent Al’s Bar in Downtown LA, cuz I like some live music with my dive bar. By the way, everyone tells me that you’re some Goth, but then I read somewhere that you sometimes have Depeche Mode paraphernalia on your clothes. What’s with that?

(The Proc’s Note: Not a Goth kid anymore. What in the fuck am I going to have to do to distance myself from that dirty four-letter word?)

The Proc: How many restaurants are PW reporter Carl Kozlowski banned from?

TW: Who is Carl Kozlowski? Should I be afraid?

The Proc: I think you should have a big burly guy named Guido in restaurant bathrooms. When an employee comes in and doesn’t wash his hands, Guido will club him with a slapjack.

TW: Can he also be responsible for keeping the smokers in line?

The Proc: If that homeless guy on Fair Oaks & Colorado with the cat went into Aux Delices, would it get shut down immediately?

TW: Is it a seeing eye cat?

The Proc: Don’t you hate when you go to a restaurant and it’s closed on a Monday?

TW: Drives me crazy, but you can always get a good meal at the 99 cent store and it’s open every day.

The Proc: Is it a health code violation when Steve Madison wears lavender ties?

TW: Depends on his shirt and suit. If the color contrast causes viewers to have seizures, I may have to step in.

The Proc: Who would win in a fight between Dr. Kildare and Dr. Marcus Welby?

TW: They would both be pretty old by now. Are they allowed to use their dentures to bite each other or is that fighting dirty? In my opinion, the baddest doctor dude is Dr. Zhivago - he could wrestle a bear. Dr. Seuss is pretty cool too.

The Proc: How long before we start labeling people “walking health code violations”?

TW: It’s just a matter of time until we start quarantining people for being too healthy.

The Proc: I bought this new stuff called Soylent Green. Is it safe to eat?

TW: Absolutely - it’s all natural and organic - where did you get it, Whole Foods?

The Proc: What’s the sickest thing you’ve ever seen during your inspections?

TW: Trust me, you do not want to know the details, but it involved a small furry animal, a bit of excrement, a blender, and some chocolate. (This was not in Pasadena.)

The Proc: Ever get those mini Krackel bars around Halloween? Delicious.

TW: Good choice, but my favorite has always been the Bottle Caps. A lady down the street used to give out fruit, which always upset me. Now that I work for the health department, she doesn’t seem so crazy.

The Proc: I’m going to get this Subway commercial song stuck in your head: “Five. Five Dollar. Five Dollar Footlongs.”

TW: Too late, it is already stuck in my head. You have no idea how many Subway sandwiches I’ve eaten from the store down on Fair Oaks and Orange Grove.

The Proc: Run me through a typical work day of yours.

TW: The beauty of my job is that every day is different. I deal with staff and budget issues within the department, occasionally get to play a real doctor and see patients in one of our clinics, investigate outbreaks of lice or tuberculosis in a school, speak to community groups about their health concerns, get a briefing from the FBI about some bioterrorist threat, write grants for new programs addressing nutrition or access to health care, field complaints about barking dogs, get interviewed by the LA Times about vaccination rates, and once in a while, I have the pleasure of interacting with characters that make the world interesting, like The Most Electrifying Man in Pasadena. It’s a great job and pays the bills, I can’t complain.

**

We need more good sports like him in Pasadena.

Have a great weekend.  Enjoy some brand new Sid Tyler Facts over on Dormitas’ blog!
I’m Audi 5000,

- AP

If you’re confused by the subject line, it’s a reference to one of the greatest sitcoms ever.

Oh - and The Proc’s refrigerator sez:

I have received a very interesting and compelling comment on yesterday’s blog entry regarding Steve Madison’s non-appearance at Monday’s City Council meeting:

Isn’t it ironic that Steve Madison ducks out of an important meeting that greatly affects the business community in his district. What a WUSS. He’s hiding from his responsibility. And this guy thinks he has the time to be the mayor of Pasadena? He flip flops on the NFL when they whispered Recall into his ear and he doesn’t show up for a meeting that will greatly affect our fellow Old Pasadena merchants. Great leadership skills Steve, just what we don’t need in Pasadena. Stick to making millions as an ambulance chaser.

Now my sources tell me Maserati Madison was in New Jersey on business - pretty much one of the two reasons one should actually have to spend time in New Jersey. He calls himself a “part-time Councilman” so he can get away with not serving the people full time, which is exactly what you’re supposed to do the very second you’re elected. Fuck all if he’s going to do that, though.

I also heard he was supposed to phone in to the meeting to discuss this ordinance. Of course he was “busy” with his “work” - even though it was around 10:30 p.m. Eastern Time when he was supposed to call in, so I’m assuming he was with a hooker in Pennsauken (the other reason you should spend time in New Jersey) and he couldn’t get to his cell phone.

Madison, I’ve read your book, you magnificent adequate bastard. Places like the 35er and Cigars By Chivas and others sorely affected by the smoking ban are in your district. Why not have the perfect cop out? When they come down on you for ultimately hurting their business, you have that wild card of “Oh - I didn’t even vote on it. I was in New Jersey at the time.” Only this time, everyone sees right through it. The second you weren’t at that meeting, everyone knew you were just ducking yet another issue - because that’s what wusses (although I’ve used a stronger insult in the past) do.

Maybe Madison and Paparian could get together and start a new prime-time TV series called “Ambulance Chasers“. They could drive around Pasadena, ignoring bigger and more important issues, and do stuff like ban smoking and defend Andrew “Boner Stabone” Koenig in court. I can smell the television ratings.

**

I think Wikipedia vandalism is hilarious, most of the time. Especially when I find out that someone recently vandalized the South Pasadena article. Here’s an edited screen capture so it could fit in the margins of my blog (because it’ll probably be gone by the time I post this):

Neighborhood Pridesmen? In South Pasadena? I’m going to have to agree, they are pretty elitist down there. I think I’ve seen these guys before:

Yeah, that looks about right. Want to keep the “riff-raff” from shopping at Von’s or Pavilion’s. Make sure everyone is obeying their already-in-place smoking ban…oh and protecting the community from having a freeway run through it that makes total sense to have run through it.

**

If you have any issues or problems with the simple fact that I exist, you might want to take those grievances up with the person who brought me into this world: my mother, Beatrice Proctor.

The Aaron Proctor Interview Series continues today as The Proc sat down with his mom (Mrs. Proc?) to discuss very important topics.  Just in time for The Most Electrifying Man in Pasadena to wish his mother a Happy Mother’s Day!
The Proc:  You have a Master’s in Divinity - does that mean you can  talk down to anyone with a Bachelor’s in Divinity?

The Proc’s Mom:  No, I try to talk  ACROSS - across the table with those kind of folks.

The Proc:  How old was I when I learned how to play the piano?

The Proc’s Mom:  You were two years old.

The Proc:  How much cereal, in dollars, did  Adam and Ashley and Josh and I (my siblings) eat from ages 7 to 13?

The Proc’s Mom:  I think Dad  and I could buy one of those exclusive California homes with the money we  spent of cereal and, of course, MILK!!!

The Proc:  How many cats do you  and Dad have right now and what are their names?

The Proc’s Mom:  Right now we have five  cats (Dolly died of old age and we still miss her).   Their names  are:  Snowflake (age 16); Uncle Kitty (age 17); Fluffy (age 9);  Tangerine  (nickname “Little Man,” age 7); Pierre (nickname “Pokey,” also age 7).

The Proc:  When you read about the goings-on in Pasadena, what do  you think?

The Proc’s Mom:  Pasadena sounds like any other typical American small  city.

The Proc:  Remember that time you outed that guy who was going around Philadelphia pretending to be a priest?  That guy was a dick.

The Proc’s Mom:  Oh, yeah!  He not only pretended to be an Eastern Orthodox  priest, but he claimed he was a former Lutheran Church bishop and former  rabbi.  What a nut case.  His real  name was Jeffrey Boaz, but  St. Mary’s knew him as Father Nicholas!

The Proc:  Do they still sell  stuffed clams at Pathmark? I can’t find them anywhere out here.

The Proc’s Mom:  Since  Superfresh (actually A&P) bought out Pathmark, they  do NOT sell stuffed  clams.  They also got rid of New York style cheesecake AND Mr.  Pathmark!

The Proc:  Remember that time in 7th grade when I went to  the spelling bee and lost on the word “detonator”?

The Proc’s Mom:  Oh, yes, it seems  like yesterday.  You did a good job and we were still proud of  you.

The Proc:  As someone who grew up in the Midwest and now lives in  the Philadelphia area, doesn’t this whole smoking ban just make you  laugh?

The Proc’s Mom:  Yes, it does.  Most Midwesterners believe in minding one’s own  business; therefore, if you want to smoke, do it.  You’re the one spending  the money of the cigs, not me.  And besides, what would St. Louis be  without “Dirt Cheap?”  As far as Philadelphia goes, people have other  important issues to think of. Would Rocky really be worried if you  smoked?

The Proc:  Who do you want to get eliminated next on “American Idol”?

The Proc’s Mom:  It’s not a matter of who I really want, but I think in all  fairness, that Jason Castro really has to go.  I know the teenage girls  think he looks cute in his dreds, etc., but the guy really can’t carry a tune in  a paper bag.  I think it will be the two Davids at the end.  Oh, David  Cook is from Blue Springs, MO (outside of Kansas City).

The Proc:   Remember that time on Seinfeld that Kramer’s phone number was like one number  off from MovieFone and everyone kept calling him asking about movies so he  just pretended he was MovieFone?

The Proc’s Mom:  Yeah, Kramer was so funny in that episode.  He would say: “Well, why don’t you just tell me?”

The Proc:  When Dad reads my blog, does he go “That boy ain’t right“?

The Proc’s Mom:  No,  he KNOWS you’re intelligent; he just thinks your brain works a lot faster than  his (and most other people for that matter).

The Proc:  P.S. Does Dad still say “rasslin’” when he means “wrestling”?

The Proc’s Mom:  Actually, Dad stopped  saying “rasslin” when he moved out to STL and talked about it with a lot of the  guards he worked with at the airport.  He wanted them to think he was  cool.

The Proc:  When I was born, did you know I was going to turn out to  be such a genius and a damn handsome man, to boot?

The Proc’s Mom:  Well, Dr.  Herman told me you were the most handsome baby he ever delivered and I figured  you would be a very special person.  After all, you are a first-born and  they tend to be GREAT!

The Proc:  You used to work for the St. Louis Cardinals.  Did you give Mark McGwire any steroids?

The Proc’s Mom:  No, but  I did wish that I had something to give to the Cardinals during the 2004 World  Series when they lost to Boston.

The Proc:  Our cat Snowflake is  still on the juice, though, right?

The Proc’s Mom:  Not any more.  She was several  years back for an asthma condition.  She actually lost a lot of that excess  weight and is back to her normal weight.

The Proc:  Happy Mothers  Day!

The Proc’s Mom:  Thank you.  It has been a lot of fun doing this interview.

What a sweetheart!  That is where I get all of my charm from, you know.

Stay tuned for more stuff tomorrow.
Sign the petition.  Buy a shirt or a mug.

- AP

Liberty and justice - for anti-smokers only.

Yep, humanoids, that’s what it really feels like right now in the Crown City after Monday’s Council meeting. Even Chris Holden didn’t have the balls to vote “no” on this whole ordeal. Instead, he “abstained” from voting. Steve Madison was out of town in New Jersey on business - I guess it’s just a big coincidence he was 3,000 miles away so when the business community comes down on him in his District, he can say he wasn’t even there to vote on the damn thing.

I really am figuring out this whole liberal “progressive” movement, or at least the definiton of it. And you know what? These limo liberals aren’t that much different than the Christian right wing. Hear me out for a minute.

A lot of these people who want to ban smoking are the same granola covered bozos who want to be able to drive after smoking their medical marijuana. They’re the same people who say the government should stay out of their business when two dudes want to get married or some chick wants to have an abortion. (For the record, I support gay marriage and a woman’s right to choose - if you’re a true Republican, you support people’s personal freedoms.) Yet, when there’s something they DON’T like, they’re like “Please, please, Mr. and Mrs. Big Government, please invade THEIR personal freedoms.”

Much like the Christian right wing - who are mostly Republicans - support the elimination of big government - except when it comes to gay marriage and abortion and marijuana legalization/decriminalization. They only want big government when it’s something they don’t like, when it’s something that offends their religion.

Either way - and this might be a bold statement to some and you might not agree 100% and if that’s the case, then fuck you - if you support gay marriage, if you support a woman’s right to choose, then you’re a hypocrite for supporting Pasadena’s smoking ban. And don’t give me that “but smoking hurts others” bullshit. You’re MURDERING a child when you abort one.

I’ve received a bunch of e-mails about this topic and I’d like to cut and paste some people’s statements. Let’s go to my friend Anonymous, from Pasadena, CA:

I am in total agreement with you on this…….I am most worried when these breakdowns of personal liberties end. Look, I don’t smoke, it helped kill my mother, it’s expensive and yucky- to ME- but it’s a choice.

There are ways to plenty of ways to avoid it if you want to. Alcohol kills, and you know what happened when they tried to stop it in the 30s. If cigarettes become black market, the repercussions and crime associated with it could be worse than for crack.

Bad council. They’re not looking at the big picture. They just want to look good IN the picture.

Glad to see you out there last night. It is now your responsibility to reach out to younger folks like yourself through your blog and get ‘em interested in community affairs by any means necessary!! You’re in a good position here.

Thank you. I, for one, am not going to sit back while the City of Pasadena - or any other place - infringes on other’s rights to begin with. What the fuck do I say over and over again? Oh yeah, that local politics is far more important than national politics. Why? Because things like this get overlooked quite often on a national scope (mostly because we’re the state that’s like that disgusting kind of luncheon meat you get in the store with the cheese already in it while every other state is just regular bologna).

How about this awesome comment from none other than my mother, Beatrice Proctor - she was St. Louis born and raised and has been a resident of Philadelphia for decades now:

Wow! What a controversy smoking is making out there. I guess you may just have to go back to “Dirt Cheap” country, where the “persecuted smoker” is treated with some respect!!! LOL! Yes, with major, major issues like, what do we do when food gets so expensive we can’t eat? OR what do we do when gasoline gets even more expensive and we can’t drive to work (and there is no mass transportation out our way)? who really cares if you or anyone else smokes while waiting on their bus and GOING TO WORK, by the way, or by an ATM, while you are GETTING OUT MORE MONEY FOR FOOD OR GAS? I don’t like smoking, but I really cannot, as an American, feel comfortable about some of the laws certain areas want to enforce.

Even my mom, not even slightly a fan of smoking, thinks this is crazy. But what does she know, right? I mean, she doesn’t live in California, so she doesn’t know “how hard we have it out here”. Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit.

I find it so funny that we want to be so much like Santa Monica because when I was running for Mayor and I had that crazy idea for rent control (which I even know doesn’t fucking work), people said they didn’t want to turn Pasadena into Santa Monica.

Well guess what - you are doing just that with this ordinance.

I also just wanted to also tell you all a little something about this website called nosmokingpasadena.com. First of all, if it’s not anything else, it’s a poster child for the limo liberal agenda in Pasadena. Notice how the title of the website doesn’t say “Ban smoking in Pasadena in public eating areas” - it just says “Ban smoking in Pasadena”. A lot of you don’t understand - these people want to ban smoking EVERYWHERE. Inside, outside, in your living room, out on your porch, etc. Moves like City Council made just got them closer to doing that.

And why is it that every ham and egger with a shitty idea has an even shittier website? Seriously. I mean, I know hippies still have a lot of acid and LSD in their veins - but come on - one of them has to know at least some basic HTML, right?

What a bunch of babies. If you go through this website, you’ll see that they support that stupid warning on movies now that you’ll be watching scenes where people are SMOKING.

Like I said, these fucktards don’t really make any sense. Let’s legalize pot but ban smoking. Let’s have the government stay out of our personal business unless someone else’s personal business offends us.

I’d better go find some petition papers. I want to ban skinny blond bitches who can’t name the two Senators from California who hang out at the Paseo. They are poisoning society and really, really annoying me.

There are some fucking idiots in this town, I swear.

**

John McCain and that bitch who is running for President are both proposing a Gas Tax Holiday, truly a most retarded idea.

Their idea, though, isn’t really completely the worst idea I’ve ever heard - especially when it comes to stimulating the local, Pasadena economy:

TOP TEN REJECTED WAYS TO STIMULATE PASADENA’S ECONOMY

10. $1 Victor Gordo rides

9. All roads leading out of Pasadena are closed under mysterious circumstances
8. City Council Meetings on Mondays - and then - for $15 - a special after-dark all-nude City Council meeting.
7. Last call is upheld by Council, leading to Kevin Uhrich single-handedly saving Pasadena from economic crisis by moving the Pasadena Weekly to the 35er.
6. New billboards: “Buy something or Sid Tyler will bitchslap your children”
5. Every time you pass Colorado Blvd., the City gives you $200.
4. City opens new Old Town valet service with lower prices called “Denva Lanes Valet Pizarking”
3. Pasadena finally gets a football team…..but it’s a Canadian Football League team.
2. City tells residents to just go mug people in San Marino and South Pas
1. Whole Foods starts selling edible food
**

The Aaron Proctor Interview Series is back.  Yeah, City Council members and other City officials have been taking super long getting back to The Proc’s questions.  I guess they’re “busy” with their “important jobs” so much that they can’t give the Most Electrifying Man In Pasadena the time of day.

So, The Proc went upstairs.

Wayyyyyyyyyy upstairs.

Jesus Christ took time out of His more-busy-than-any-of-you-schedule to sit down with me and answer some questions.

The Proc: What’s up?

Jesus Christ:  The sky.  The stars.  Me.  (chuckling)  I love that joke.

The Proc: Who are you going to vote for in the 2008 Presidential Election?

JC:  I have long hair, wear robes and sandals, and talk about peace on earth.  Ralph Nader all the way.

The Proc:  What do you think of Steve Madison?

JC:  Love thy neighbor, Proctor.  He is kind of a douche, though.

The Proc:  Why was “Knot’s Landing” on for so long?

JC:  Dad really liked that show.

The Proc:   Do you ever hang around the gynasium?

JC:  Hah.  “Airplane!” joke.  Very funny, Proctor.

The Proc:  What’s the most annoying hymn with your name in it?
JC:  I’m going to have to go with “O Holy Night” just because people either sing it really great or totally butcher it.  Second choice would be anything from “Godspell“.
The Proc:   You try one of those $5 footlongs at Subway yet?

JC:  They’re a rip off.

The Proc:   Do you get mad when I use the “f-word” a lot?

JC:  It’s cool, man. People really think I get up in arms about that stuff. I’m more worried about you guys killing each other off than someone using profanity. You’re not even saying my Dad’s name in vain.

The Proc:   Which was your favorite chick on “Three’s Company”?

JC:  All of them were great.  I even liked Chrissy’s country-bumpkin cousin.

The Proc:  What’s your favorite bog in Pasadena?
JC:  Nice try.  Foothill Cities do a great job.  Still can’t figure out who Centinel is.

The Proc:  Thanks for taking the time out of your extremely busy schedule to answer some of my questions.

JC:  Whatevs.  No biggie.  See you in 16 and a half months, Mr. Proctor.

The Proc:  What?!?!

**
Nice guy.

Hopefully I can get some more actual Pasadenans in this series, soon.  I’m trying my hardest.

You can love thy neighbor (being me, that is) and sign my petition or buy something from my store.

Keep those suggestions coming for the City Council Drinking Game.

Until tomorrow…be seeing you,

- AP

The Proc’s refrigerator says:

I went down to the City Council meeting last night and, yes, I spoke at public comment. I should have bought a bottle of whisky last night (not just to celebrate the reelection of Vice Mayor Haderlein but because I needed to calm down). Before I get into that, I do have to say - I did have a lot more “eloquent” things to say - but I was quite pissed off.

Why, Sid, Why?!

Because of jackasses like Sid Tyler and half the bitches who spoke last night, Pasadena comes closer to having some of the most draconian, un-American, and unconstitutional smoking bans in the entire United States. No smoking at outdoor places, near businesses, bus stops, ATMs, and possibly no smoking if you live in an apartment building (which they said under the guise of ‘multi-family housing’).

Sid - you’re a fucking embarrassment to the Republican party for what you said last night. Wanting to invade my personal freedoms and all of that stuff. You’ve been hitting that liberal limo bongwater for too long, Chief. Maybe it’s old age or something kicking in - but when was the last time you heard a member of the GOP go off on smoking cigarettes like that? Just because you can jumpstart a car with your penis and a wink doesn’t give you the right to invade someone’s home and tell them what they can and can’t do in their own home with something that is legal.

The usually-prasied-by-this-website Tyler said that he didn’t want to see the City of Pasadena “under the brown haze of smoke“. Oh - what about that little fucking thing called Interstate 210 that runs through the City? Why don’t we force everyone to drive a Prius? Nope..we won’t be doing that anytime soon.

Smoking = bad. Pollution from cars = totally ok.

Check out what Fred Ortega had to say in this morning’s PSN:  (a wonderful paper, at least for today, because they quoted me)

The City Council took the first step Monday in enacting some of the toughest anti-smoking regulations in the San Gabriel Valley.

If ultimately approved, the new rules would prohibit smoking in outdoor shopping and dining areas, in ATM and movie ticket lines, within 20 feet of building entrances and at outdoor events including the Rose Parade.

The council’s vote Monday instructed the City Attorney’s Office to draft the new ordinance, a process that typically takes about a month, said Pasadena Health Director Takashi Wada. The council would then vote to approve the new statute, which would take effect about 30 days later.

If smoking is so bad, so harmful, so fucking irritating to people - why doesn’t the government MAKE IT GOD-DAMNED ILLEGAL? No, they won’t do that. Cigarettes will continue to be legal to buy in California, legal to possess, but someday will not be legal to smoke. I predict - within the next 10 or 15 years - California will be the only state to prohibit smoking everywhere indoors and EVERYWHERE outdoors. California is on its way to becoming a state where marijuana use will be quite legal but cigarette smoking will not. The government talks shit about the tobacco industry but still wants their kickbacks from big tobacco.

Here’s a video of me telling the City Council that they’re wasting their time and we should be discussing more important things than if I want to have a cigarette.

I also found myself sitting to two stupid bitches who came up to speak after I did at public comment. They were cackling and booing and generally acting like idiots whenever a pro-smoker’s rights person would come up. I was quiet and respectful, keeping my opinions to myself - although I would have liked to strangle all those people wearing those gay green stickers.

This was the one chick bitching about how she likes to take her dog when she goes out to eat and the last place she went to, two people were smoking and woah-is-me-I-couldn’t-bear-to-stay-there-while-someone-was-smoking-a-cigarette. She said she complained to the restaurant and that she had to leave. No mention if the fucking bitch asked the two people to put out their cigarettes. And what about bringing her fucking DOG to the restaurant? What if I were allergic to dog fur or dog shit? I guess getting a staph infection or something isn’t as bad as cigarette smoke.

Pasadena, Uber Alles

One of the “geniuses” who spoke last night was some 16 year old chick who went to, you guessed it, John Muir. Besides her horrible English skills (thanks, PUSD) - she sounded like she was possibly smoking something else. And what’s with that comment that her friend had to GO TO CLASS? It was 8 fucking 30 p.m. Must be pregnant or a gang member. Wow. Real good “representative” for the anti-smoking clan.

And why the fuck would I want to hear a 16 year old speak on smoking? Or anyone young for that matter? When I was 12 or 13 or 14, I hated the smell of cigarettes and said I’d never smoke. You don’t know anything about anything when you’re of that age - so I’m tired of this ‘out of mouths of babes’ shit. Don’t believe me? Go back to my 6th grade health teacher at Chichester Middle School, Mrs. Delaney, and ask to find that contest I entered where I said “Smokers are jokers”.

At least Kelli got her two cents in - not only on the meeting itself - but on the stupid chick who came up to the podium in this video.

I also noticed nobody (besides me) wanted to mention how California is the ONLY state that considers second-hand smoke lethal. So I guess 49/50 states are wrong? Oh, that’s right, we know more and are better than everyone else out here. Right.

I also noticed how the Council barely touched the issue about banning smoking in APARTMENTS. Lovely how that one wasn’t talked about too much, save for a few mentions by Chris Holden. Yeah, that’s right, here comes Big Pasadena Government into our homes. Sure, first it’s smoking, because everyone will agree it’s “bad” - but what about a Council 20 or 30 years from now that wants to ban something else?

I love how Pasadena says things like “they only worry about Pasadena’s city knitting” (like when they didn’t want to pass the Anti-Iraq War resolution) but last night was talking about “being a world class city like Santa Monica and Calabasas“. Yeah, totally two “world class” cities. One city smells like b.o. and patchouli and hippies and the other is a great place to watch a chick get double penetrated by two guys while sucking off a donkey. I’ll let you pick which city those descriptions belong to.

I don’t think anyone who became ill last night in Pasadena was able to get to the hospital because all of the wahhhmbulances seemed to pass through City Council last night. I mean - what’s with these groups like The Pasadena Tobacco Prevention Coalition?

I think the City of Pasadena is taking advantage of studies that haven’t been proven, one-sided statistics, mass hysteria, hippies who have grown up that want to smoke pot legally but wouldn’t dare be near a cigarette, peer pressure from other pussified cities like Santa Monica etc., and the fact that they think everyone else will think Pasadena is a “Grade A City” because of passing this law.

Yeah, people are going to think Pasadena is “Grade A” all right - a “Grade A Joke“.

Nice to have the Germans from our sister city there early on (before they left to invade Poland). And - hey - maybe we should replace the American flag with the Chinese flag we have at City Council chambers? Seems like the right thing to do after last night’s meeting.

I guess it’s time to pass out some awards.

This week’s Ham & Egger Award (which Frank Girardot is a big fan of) goes to:

Mayor Bill Bogaard

Jacque Robinson

Margaret McAustin

Chris Holden

Steve Haderlein

Victor Gordo

Steve Madison (even though he wasn’t there, he’s Mr. Anti-Smoking)

Sid Tyler

Dr. Takashi Wada

The Pasadena Tobacco Prevention Coalition

Day One Pasadena

The two stupid bitches sitting next to me (I’ll wait for Dormitas to post their names in his blow-by-blow)

Enjoy your awards, assclowns. They’ll be arriving in the mail shortly.

**

Miss Havisham - want to organize a “smoke-in”?

- AP

Happy Monday! I hope everyone had a great weekend.

The Proc’s refrigerator says:

Yes, even though I can’t draw the Philadelphia Flyers logo (it looks more like one of those fucking five-fingered turkeys), the Flyers sent those pesky Montreal Canadiens packing this weekend and have moved on to the Eastern Conference finals we’re they’ll be playing cross-state rivals, the Pittsburgh Penguins.

The Fly Guys made Les Habitants become Les Habi-nots - let’s see what they’ll do to “Syd The Kid“.

**

I recently received this picture via e-mail. It was taken by the mysterious Jerry Cornelius and shows a recent Ham & Egger Award winner, the PW’s Joe Piasecki, “proudly” holding his award:

Joe doesn’t look too happy about getting the award - although “Mr. Thursday Morning” Andre Coleman thinks it is hilarious.

I was dying of laughter at Piasecki’s reaction. That is, until Sunday morning, when Kelli made me a special breakfast:

Those were some tasty ham and eggs, though.   I must have deserved them because when I went to do live TV on Thursday, the TV station had a glitch and we had to tape an episode of Andre Coleman’s show.
**

Better Than Blue

Saturday night, Kelli and I went out to see a band called Better Than Blue. They played at Bar Twist in Arcadia - definitely an interesting venue - although I’m a little more interested in the bar next door called The First Cabin - which opens at 6 a.m. and lets you smoke in there.

Better Than Blue includes lead guitarist and vocalist Danny Hesse (who apparently hates jazz musicians) - who you may know better as the “long haired pony-tail dude with glasses who sits behind Sid Tyler (and is still alive to tell about it) during City Council meetings”. This dude can rock out - is a great guitarist and is very knowledgeable about music. The band is also fronted by a female vocalist, Felicia Cain, who has an AMAZING range and can sing just about any style of music. The band broke out into a cover of the Stones’ “Gimme Shelter” that was absolutely unforgettable - as Felicia’s wailing vocals complemented the band’s “we’re not a lame cover band, we’re actually talented musicians” rock-and-roll attitude.

There’s also another guy in the band - and fuck me for forgetting his name - because he sounded exactly like John Fogerty when they covered “Born On The Bayou“.

The funniest moment of the night was when the band covered “Sweet Caroline“. At one point, Danny changed up the lyrics a bit to - I kid you not - “Steve Haderlein. Who knew Councilmen could be so bad?” I spit out my Adios Mother Fucker all over the quaint lounge setting in laughter.

I spent 10 years of my life going to see some really shitty bands that somehow have huge followings. This is NOT one of them. I’d gladly see Better Than Blue when they’re playing again and I recommend you do the same.

**

So the City Council members might not be getting as many free Rose Bowl & Rose Parade tickets as they used to, according to some kid who writes for a newspaper. The FPPC isn’t going to take it anymore.
I think I hear some sirens coming down the street:

OH NOES! Poor City Council members. Ya know, I thought we had representative government in this Country. City Council members are supposed to be an extension of you and I (well, maybe more you than me). Why should they get special treatment? They already get special perks: being a City Council member and serving the people of the Crown City.

I say these companies with special interests should instead directly raffle the tickets off to constituents of Pasadena. Let the people in on these sweetheart deals. No City officials or City employees should be able to qualify for the raffle. That might not sound very Republican of me - but we’re not supposed to have big government getting away with shit. And by big government, I mean Victor Gordo.
I mean, this is a City Council who does things like says how great the ARTS bus system is but hardly any of them ever ride the thing. We should do that, too - every City Council member should lead by example and take the ARTS bus at least 3 times a week.

It’s just the Pasadena Way shining through again. City Council being City Council. Thousands of dollars in unreported gifts that - if it were a guy like me doing the same thing - would get me thrown in jail.
When I’m elected Mayor, if these companies came to me I’d say “No thanks” and tell them to raffle them off randomly to people in Pasadena who aren’t City employees. Besides, I’d already be using the tax payers’ money for something special - a hot, busty secretary who really knows how to take “dictation“.
Maybe this is the kind of stuff you’d like to read in the Pasadena Weekly. If so, you should sign my petition here.

Or just buy something from my store.

Either way, have a happy Monday. Edwin Decker is kicking my ass at online chess.
- AP

I know this is a satirical site and maybe not my place to say this - but I just found out former Planning & Transportation commissioner & District 1 Council candidate Mark Leon passed away on Thursday. He was 47 years young.

I had the pleasure of having small conversations with Mark along the campaign trail last year and enjoying his personality and humor. I also had the pleasure of sitting directly next to him during the campaign forums at the Neighborhood Church over on Orange Grove - like a week before the elections took place.

I send my thoughts, prayers and deepest of condolences to his family and loved ones.

Mark, you were a great guy with a great vision for Pasadena.

You will be severely missed.

Happy Friday, humanoids.

For anybody who tried to tune in to Channel 56 last night for my TV appearance and didn’t see anything, I’m sorry.  The station was having technical glitches and couldn’t go live - so Andre & I taped an episode to air at a future date.  We didn’t talk about anything topical or time-sensitive - so this episode could air at random 6 weeks or 6 months from now.

**

The Proc met a big time celebrity yesterday in Old Town Pasadena.  Luckily, he had his camera on him as well:

Photo taken by Proctorformayor.com Cameraman, Joe Beauvais

Yep, that’s me and my future lawyer, I mean, famous defense attorney, Mark Geragos.

Mark is a pretty fucking cool dude.  I saw him walking down the street and asked if I could get my camera to get a photo with him.  He gladly obliged and took this picture with me.

I should send this picture to people if they ever try to sue me.

Sadly, I totally forgot to even mention my blog to him and didn’t get him in the Aaron Proctor Interview Series.  Maybe next time?

**

The other day, PIO Ann Erdman was telling me about Pasadena’s Wikipedia article.  Apparently some of the pictures on there weren’t too good (I had someone fix some of them) and such.

The thing that was hilarious was all of the facts I found on the Pasadena Wikipedia page that weren’t all that true.  As you know, anybody can edit Wikipedia and sometimes you see some wacky or unusual facts on pages that were added to vandalize the page or just by silly people with too much time on their hands (you know, because when you run a political blog with prolific entries, you don’t have too much time on your hands…)

Here’s some of the stuff I found and let Ann know about (which I shouldn’t have done):

TOP TEN THINGS ANN ERDMAN HAD TO DELETE FROM PASADENA’S WIKIPEDIA PAGE 

10.  All stop signs in Pasadena with white outlines are optional
9.  As of June 1st, 2008, it will be illegal to smoke or think freely in Pasadena.
8.  Pasadena was founded in 1886 by Sid Tyler
7.  Parking on streets between 2 and 6 a.m. is totally o.k.
6.  The official song of Pasadena is “Nasty Girl” by Vanity 6.
5.  Favorite Pasadena past-times include enjoying our many neighborhood parks, biking around the Rose Bowl, and socking on Mexicans.
4.  The diagonal crosswalks in Old Town were created because drunks from the 35er were crossing that way to begin with.
3.  Pasadena has two nuclear warheads.  One pointed at Altadena, one pointed at South Pasadena.
2.  Pasadena’s main thoroughfares are Colorado Blvd. and Aaron Proctor Parkway.
1. “Ilsa: She Wolf of The SS” was mostly filmed at Pasadena City Hall.
**

According to 1x Ham & Egger Award winner Joe Piasecki in the Pasadena Weekly, the Council’s Public Safety Committee is meeting on Monday to discuss exactly why this smoking ban makes no fucking sense.  But don’t take it from me, take it from former Councilman, Paul Little:

“If you’re going to ban smoking within a certain distance of the front of a building, you have to allow some alternatives,” said Little. “I’m the 25-year reformed smoker, but the problem you have is if you completely outlaw the ability for somebody to smoke, they’re going to find someplace else to do it because they have no choice. It’s a dreadful addiction and incredibly difficult to break the habit, so it’s unrealistic to expect someone who is a smoker is going to stop smoking because we don’t allow them to do it within 20 feet of their office door.” 

Hells yeah, tell `em Paul.  I’m assuming Paul had 20,000 more things to say about this, too, that they just didn’t have the space for in the P-Dub.

You can share your ideas about this draconian ban on smoking by clicking on this link on the City Of Pasadena website.  Your comment will be submitted and you have until the end of today to do so.

Here’s what I submitted on the form:

Nine Things that are slightly less retarded than this proposed smoking ban:

1.  Punching yourself in the crotch.

2.  Making eye contact with Sid Tyler.

3.  Trying to win a feats of strength contest with Superman.

4.  Trying to cockblock Steve Madison around a stripper.

5.  Following this proposed ordinance.

6.  Staying awake while reading a Larry Wilson column.

7.  Driving the General Lee around the Northwest.

8.  Voting for Hillary Clinton.

9.  Getting caught by Chris Hansen on “Dateline NBC: To Catch A Predator” 

Whoever said “You can’t fight City Hall” never met The Proc.  The Most Electrifying Man In Pasadena just layed the smacketh down once again.

Have a great and safe weekend.

Smoke one if you got one, buy some stuff, sign my petition.
- AP

Happy May Day to all of the Commie Limo Liberals in Pasadena (Bogaard, Madison, Larry Wilson, etc.). Keep making those fuck ups in the People’s Republic of Pasadena so I can have stuff to write about!

**

We’ve got an early winner in this week’s Ham And Egger Awards. I usually give out this coveted prize on Fridays but someone has already taken the cake - or the omelette, if you will.

I checked out the PSN website this morning - mainly to see if any more actors from “CSI” got busted with heroin and cocaine. Then again, you’ve got to be high on something to want to go to the Coachella Music Festival and hang around with eleventeens, girls with dreadlocks, and liberal hipsters who are 35+ and voting in their first election this November. Suit jackets don’t go with jeans and white sneakers, losers.

Anywhooo - I find this little chestnut at the top of the PSN website:

Due to extraordinary technical difficulties, delivery was delayed for today’s print edition, and many of our regular news and sports stories and features did not appear.

We apologize for the inconvenience and the omissions.

We intend to resume our regular coverage in Friday’s print editions.

We will update our Web site throughout the day with local news, sports and features.

Do you hear that noise?

Seriously? You hear something?

Sounds like sirens?

The Ham And Egg Burrito otherwise known as the Star-News couldn’t put together enough good stuff to read so they cry “technical difficulties” for putting out a shittier-than-usual product.

Good on you because - the entire Pasadena Star-News staff, yes, that includes you, Humberto the Janitor, gets this week’s Ham And Egger Award! Congratulations - and no seconds, Barrera, until everyone has had a piece.

UPDATE:  Go get a PSN today!  The 50 cents you spend will be worth millions in laughter

 

**

This summer is going to get a lot hotter - and not just because that’s when Haderlein goes shirtless while walking his dog on Lambert Avenue. This summer, there’s going to be a charity basketball challenge between Steve Haderlein and myself, sponsored in part by the good people and great food at Robin’s BBQ & Grill. That’s Robin’s Woodfire BBQ & Grill, 395 N. Rosemead Blvd., in Pasadena!

Stay tuned, fans of The Proc, when we officially announce a date and a time.

**

On Joe Hopkins’ Speed Dial

Everybody and their mother (including my mother) is still talking about the Rev. Dr. Jeremiah Wright, Esq. Phd. and how he’s affecting Barack Obama’s Presidential campaign.

Here’s a little advice and strategy for anyone else who decides to run for office - whether that would be here in Pasadena or on a national scale:

Separate yourself from the crazies BEFORE you run.

Seriously. If I could go back in time, drop all those subculture losers, take off the make-up, and run again - I would. I would have probably received 22% or even 25% of the vote.

Hindsight is 20/20 and now that I’m clean-cut and have a new attitude, I won’t have to worry about purple-haired freaks following me everywhere and making me look bad (or me making them look good).

What I’m trying to say is that Jeremiah Wright is Barack Obama’s Goth scene. You just don’t wake up one day and say “Hey, I wanna be the fuckin’ President”. I’m certain it takes a lot of time, a lot of decision, a lot of discussion with your family and friends. The second I decided I wanted to be President - whether that was when I was 14 or 40 - I would have dropped Jeremiah Wright like an 18-25 year old Southern California Democrat drops acid. Again, 20/20 hindsight (sorry Susan Kitchens).

In this day and age, nothing seems to “count” before you decide to run for office. Nobody talks about Barack’s drug addictions, nobody talks about Hillary’s husband getting blowjobs, etc, etc. Hell - nobody even discussed about my little fucked up run in with the law back in Philly until 3 months after the election.
We all know Barack Hussein Obama decided to run for Prez when he gave that speech at the DNC in 2004. He should have said “K Thanks Bye” to Rev. Wright the day before. The craziest thing about all of this is the fact that the first viable, serious African American candidate for President is going to have his campaign sabotaged by…another Black dude.

Saves the McCain campaign a lot of time and money. Fine by me.

**

Let’s Go Flyers. Clap, clap, clap-clap-clap. Let’s Go Flyers.

**

The Proc was trying to figure out how to get a statue built of the Most Electrifying Man In Pasadena right near City Hall. When he began building his statue, he was approached by Richard Bruckner - the Crown City’s Director of Planning and Development. After Bruckner gave him a slap on the wrist and a “tsk, tsk”, Bruckner agreed to sit down for some interview questions - on the condition that The Proc take down his fake “Proctor Avenue” sign over what used to be the “Euclid Ave” sign.

The Aaron Proctor Interview Series continues….

The Proc: Because of the title you hold - are you really good at SimCity?

Richard Bruckner: Showing my age, I have not played since it first came out and it was accessed on a mainframe with punch cards.

The Proc: Follow-up question: How about Jenga?

RB: Way too clumsy

The Proc: Who wins in a game of flag football between the Planning and the Design Commissions?

RB: Clearly a draw.. Planning comm. would devise an overly complex but politically correct strategy that could not be implemented and the design commission would be stymied between a west coast [modern] offense and a neo-traditional defense.

The Proc: Where’s my statue and/or street named after me? Do we really need Thurgood Marshall St.?

RB: Most art work in the city associated with an individual happens as a memorial so you may never know the rest of the story, but to get started… Submit a preferred list of artists to the Arts and Culture Commission and be prepared to pay one per cent of the cost of the Proctor Building.

The Proc: Could I get a conditional use permit on the condition that you make me a sandwich? No onions.

RB: Absolutely not, the environmental work on the evaluation of green house gas impacts for this project would make it too costly and the sandwich would be beyond stale.

The Proc: I have this idea for a new TV action series called “Bruckner!” Each week, you could solve difficult planning problems that save the world. It’d be like a cross between “Quincy” and “MacGuyver“. Wouldn’t that show rock?

RB: Slow down, we have plenty to wrestle with right here in Pasadena, we would not have to go beyond our own municipal borders to fill a 13 week season.

The Proc: Why does Ohio State always choke in the title game?

RB: It all stems from that mascot Brutus Buckeye, a nut as a mascot, how can you win?

The Proc: Can we make an ordinance against District 6 Councilmen wearing lavender ties?

RB: He is raising the fashion bar at Council mtgs. Aaron, don’t you know? Lavender is the new black!

The Proc: Can you help bring a Wendy’s to Pasadena?

RB: My kids own Wendy’s stock, I cannot even fathom the ethical violations let alone the Tax payer protection act forms to be completed!

The Proc: When you worked for the City of Anaheim - did you ever get to meet Mary Poppins? You know, Richard, I met her once. She told me to stand
up straight. She needs to mind her own business.

RB: No but, I had one minor encounter with an oversized mute mouse and don’t want to repeat it.

**

Kind of a fun guy - just wish he’d taken the time to answer more questions. Haven’t had anybody scheduled for tomorrow yet - but who knows who might show up!?
Don’t forget to help support this website by checking out some of the hot merchandise at the Aaron Proctor Store. Also - don’t forget to sign my important petition!

Check out Centinel’s new rule in the City Council Drinking Game!

Be seeing you,

- AP

Inspired by Susan Kitchens’ rendering of Jacque Robinson, based upon my rant yesterday, I made this picture of Councilman Gordo:

Speaking of picking on City Council - the popularity of my City Council Drinking Game has grown quite a bit. Just in time for Cinco De Mayo, I’ve converted the City Council Drinking Game into a special section of this very website. Click here to check out the rules and to submit your own ideas!

**

Anybody see Law & Order: SVU last night? It was a big fucking deal because the sometimes-hilarious, sometimes-annoying Robin Williams guest starred last night - doing his typical “I can play a creepy guy in a dramatic role and even impress The Proc” shebang.

The hook wasn’t even Robin’s performance, which was actually pretty good and left me on the edge of my sofa seat. The actual kicker was another cameo that surprised any of us over 25 years old: Joyce DeWitt playing a nurse in a hospital.

You’re probably thinking to yourself “Damn, Proc, you so crazy. Who da fuck is Joyce DeWitt?” (if you live in Northwest Pasadena) and “Mr. Proctor, your general delusions of grandeur about uncertain actors will never be solved - even in the fullness of time.” (if you live in West Pasadena).

Joyce DeWitt is none other than the chick who played Janet on “Three’s Company“. That was pretty cool to see her. Maybe that episode will win an Emmy?
**

I finally got around to mailing the actual Ham & Egger Awards out to the three winners so far. I sent one to last week’s winner Joe Hopkins (with a fake return address), the week before’s Joe Piasecki, and the inaugural Ham & Egger himself, Fred Ortega.

Apparently Fred is pretty damn proud of his mediocre and lackluster work as K-Todd’s replacement. Here’s a picture of him taken by Frank Girardot, his co-worker and Crime Scene blogger:

Don’t smile, it’s not a compliment. Button your shirt’s top button, Fred. You’re at work, not a home. And clean up that pile of papers to your left! Does your mother work at the PSN? Unless your mother is Larry Wilson?
**

If you know letters A through B, you probably aren’t going to school in Pasadena
Dormitas is pretty pissed about the PUSD wanting more money from us taxpayers and I don’t blame him one bit. I hate when public schools say they need funding to make the schools better, proceed to take our money, and then do an even shittier job.

I wish a politician would have the testicles to say the following: Let’s face it, some kids are just stupid. Maybe i