The Adventures of Aaron Proctor

Mayweather had to use brass knucks to beat The Big Show last night

Kelli and I took part in one of our yearly traditions last night as we watched WWE Wrestlemania 24.  Can’t believe they’re already up to 24 - and it was good to see 75,000 peeps or so pack the Citrus Bowl in Florida.

Just a few quick notes:

• Mayweather and Big Show was pretty fun and entertaining, no matter what the rasslin’ fans on the Interwebs say.  If boxing doesn’t work out much longer for Floyd, he’ll have a bona fide role in the WWE as an arrogant heel (or “bad guy” in wrestlingspeak).  Still mad about him using brass knuckles to win - and yeah, yeah, I know it’s scripted.
• Someone should have told Jim Ross that Mayweather’s win won’t count toward his 39-0 boxing record - before he started screaming “Mayweather is 40 and 0!”
• What kind of crack are the WWE writers smoking that they still think fans like John Cena?  The only people who cheer for him are eleventeens and ugly girls who dress like Jeff Hardy.  Turn him heel and reap the rewards.  I had this same resentment toward “say your prayers, eat your vitamins” Hulk Hogan in the mid-90’s - and his 1996 turn to villain was nothing short of revolutionary.  I’m glad Cena lost, too.
• Money In The Bank was all right - but Kennedy should have won.  Kennedyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!  He’s my favorite wrestler these days.
• Wasn’t it super sad when - right before HBK super-kicked Ric Flair into retirement - HBK and Flair started crying and HBK mouthed “I’m sorry..I love you” to the Nature Boy?
• WWE runs like 489032840932890342 pay-per-views a year and still charges $60 for Wrestlemania?  What gives??
• Undertaker is 16-0 at Wrestlemania.  I don’t think he’ll ever lose.
• WWE’s only national competition, TNA, should have run a “Clash Of The Champions“-esque free show against Wrestlemania.  That way, I would have had something else to watch during the crapfest that was Batista vs Umaga.

**

Sexy Steve

Next up in the Aaron Proctor Interview Series is none other than District 4 Councilman and Pasadena’s resident GQ hunk, Steve Haderlein.  Steve’s been the Councilman in District 4 since like 1972 or something.  When he’s not sexing it up on Monday nights at City Hall, he’s a civics/economics teacher.  He also is an encyclopedia of sports and historical knowledge - and he played college basketball for Loyola Marymount and spend some time in a pro league in Australia.  True story.

The Proc pelted Cracker Jacks at Steve this weekend while he was coaching girls’ softball until he caved in and answered The Proc’s many important questions.  He is not aware of any of the girls he coaches taking HGH.

The Proc:  Can you dunk? Hook shot?

Haderlein:  More of pure jump shooter than hook shot.  Haven’t tried to dunk in a year so I’ll assume that I still can rather than hurt myself finding out otherwise.

The Proc:  How much can you bench?

Haderlein:  No clue and don’t want to crush my sternum finding out. 

The Proc:  What do you think of Steve Madison?  He shares your first name and that’s about it.

Haderlein:  We also share a commitment to the City. 

The Proc:   Does Bill Paparian follow you from a few cars behind when you go to the
supermarket?

Haderlein:  No idea what Bill’s up to. 

The Proc:  You played basketball in an Australian pro league in the late 80’s.  Did
you rock out to INXS at halftime?

Haderlein:  More of a Midnight Oil guy.  Even then, a concern for open spaces / environment / loud music.   Lead singer was a quirky tall bald guy.   Think Bono with a different accent and no hair.  

The Proc:   Is Michael Vick allowed at Vina Vieja Park?

Haderlein:  Only to have dogs pee on him.  What a piece of dog crap that guy is. 

The Proc:  You teach Economics.  Explain the Walrasian Model to us dumbasses. 

Haderlein:  Walrasian Model?  No idea. 

The Proc:  Remember back in 1993 when Chris Webber called timeout in the NCAA Championship and University of Michigan didn’t have any time outs left?  Oh - and - what the hell ever happened to Eric Montross on that opposing UNC team?

Haderlein:  Remember C-Web’s blunder well.  Almost as bad as when the Georgetown player (Sleepy Floyd?) threw the pass to UNC’s James Worthy as time ran out.    I think Montross is a ski resort / mountain range somewhere.  He was huge.  

The Proc:  How come Christian Laettner played for like 26 different NBA teams?

Haderlein:  He still hasn’t found what he’s looking for.  

The Proc:  You’re the Vice Mayor.  What are some of your vices (besides ’sports and history’)?

Haderlein:  Ice cream after a Council meeting.  Gotta add five pounds to my weight. 

The Proc:  True or False:  I could beat you at ‘Horse‘.

Haderlein:  Five bucks says “False”. 

The Proc:  You’ve always been a huge fan of open space.  What if we tore down everything in District 4?  Wouldn’t we have a ton of open space then?

Haderlein:  Can’t argue with that.  

The Proc:  Are you a Federalist or an Anti-Federalist?

Haderlein:  Anti-Federalists are wussies.   Sound central bank is needed. Look at the mess we’re in now because of a lack of oversight (one of the three roles of the Fed I might add)  My main man Teddy Roosevelt would have wanted regulatory powers.  

So - it’s official:  I’m challenging Steve Haderlein to a game of Horse.  Steve, you pick the date and the time and I’ll bring the video camera for all of my fans to see. 

Somebody’s gonna owe me $5.

- AP

Tomorrow night is “Lights Out - Walk About Pasadena“.  For one evening and one hour, the Crown City is encouraging you all to turn off your lights and go listen to storytime at various local locations.

BOR-ING.

Sorry to rain on their hippy-dippy parade, but I’ve come up with a better, funnier idea. Oh noes!

Lights On, Drive Around Pasadena!!!!

From the hour of 8 to 9 pm tomorrow night, I’ll be turning all of the lights on at my place, watching TV, listening to my stereo, listening to my ham radio, playing Playstation, XBox, and Wii, vacuuming, running my fans and my air conditioner, surfing the Internet, charging my cell phone, charging my camera, charging my girlfriend’s cell phone, running all of the sinks, and running the shower while driving around town in a 1977 T-Top Trans Am that hasn’t had a smog check in about 3 years.  Oh - and Sid Tyler will be telling cautionary tales about hookers in Siam at the 1881.

It’s what our founding fathers would want.

**

Haderlein 69, Developers 0. 

There’s a great article by Dre in the best newspaper in town this week about Haderlein standing up for his constituents this week.  You can check that out here.   

Sexy Steve is not exactly right.  Door-hangers are most efficient.  See?

**

Ann Erdman.  She’s so sweet.  I feel like, no matter how mean I am to some of her cohorts, she’s going to bake me cookies and give me a glass of milk.  Good on her.

The Aaron Proctor Interview Series continues today.  The Proc barged into City Hall this morning, blaring “Real American” on a CD player and holding a steel chair, demanding to see Pasadena Public Information Officer, Ann Erdman.  After The Proc ripped his flimsy t-shirt off and posed for the audience, she gladly accepted.  We drank mint juleps and talked for a few minutes. 

The Proc:  How does Mayor Bogaard like his coffee?
Erdman:  In a cup at 5:30 a.m. while simultaneously running a half marathon and
reading five newspapers.

The Proc:   If Tangier, Morocco is one of our sister cities and Kasukabe, Japan
is one of our friendship cities - would Sierra Madre be our red-headed step child city?  What about South Pasadena?

Erdman:  Sadly, the Pasadena Sister Cities Committee has reached a deadlock.  They’re searching for an alternative with the stipulation that the chosen city must be a true garden spot.  As of 11:23 a.m. today, South Gate and Lynwood are neck-and-neck.

The Proc:  Can we *please* bring the Miss Teen USA pageant back to Pasadena?
Erdman:  Pasadena is dead to Donald Trump for reasons that are too painful to discuss.  Suffice it to say he’ll never ask me to restyle his hair again.

The Proc:  Who is better at computer solitaire during City Council meetings - you
or Sid Tyler?

Erdman:  We play double solitaire on our Treos whenever we’re not on camera and Mr. Tyler beats me every time.  Cheater.

The Proc:  To keep up with the current vernacular, would it be possible for you to change your title from “Public Information Officer” to “Holdin’ It Down On The 411 Tip?”
Erdman:  No offense, but I prefer former Mayor Paparian’s “Minister of Propaganda” and Pasadena Weekly’s “Minister of Truthiness.” 

The Proc:  Remember that one time when that one thing happened at a City Council
meeting?

Erdman:  Isaac Richard going on one of his rants and Mayor Katie Nack almost breaking the gavel while slamming it down repeatedly and hollering, “Mr. Richard!  Mr. Richard!  Mr. Richard!”  (We’ll never forget you, Katie.)

The Proc:  What do you think of Steve Madison?
Erdman:  He’s ready for the 2008 Pasadena Follies.

The Proc:   If one wanted to, say, ask a certain female City Clerk out to dinner and a movie, how would one possibly go about doing this?

Erdman:  Jane and I have the same delicate sensibilities, so my best advice is one simple word: Behave.  

The Proc:  Which “Price Is Right” game is better - Plinko or the one with the dude who climbs up the mountain with the yodeling in the background?

Erdman:  Neither.  It’s the one where a contestant has to hit a bulls eye while strapped into a schwing sling.

The Proc:  What if someone takes “Lights Out Pasadena” the wrong way and starts punching people out at the 35er?

Erdman:  What do you mean take it “the wrong way”?  That’s the whole idea.
 

That’s real public information, ladies & germs.

Hafe a safe weekend and keep those 100 watt microwaves running!

Rock on like Chaka Khan,

- AP

Joe Piasecki.  Man About Pasadena. 

After the surprising success of my interview with Pasadena Police Chief & Interim City Manager Bernard Melekian, The Proc has been inspired to begin a whirlwind of interviews with people in Pasadena’s city knitting (and perhaps outside of Pasadena as well) entitled The Aaron Proctor Interview Series.

Last night, I had the pleasure of joining the Pasadena Weekly’s Deputy Editor Joe Piasecki for a few pitchers of beer at The 35er.  I had tons of interesting and serious questions to ask him but a woman wearing a top too short for my own good had her huge tits hanging out and I got distracted.

From what I understand, Joe Piasecki was born in Shaker Heights, Ohio to a Polish submarine engineer and a 60’s lounge singer.  He was an all-star tennis player in high school and had, at the time, Ohio’s largest collection of petrified silverfish.  Ok, ok, I just made all of that shit up.  However, these questions were seriously asked of The Big Piasecki and he responded - quite candidly:

The Proc:  What the fuck is up with the Weekly not using the word “fuck” so much?
Piasecki:  What the fuck are you talking about?  Actually, I guess part of the thinking is that we’d be fucking up the impact of the word if we overused it.

The Proc:  Pasadena Police Chief & Interim City Manager Bernard Melekian recently suggested you wouldn’t be able to fight Andre Coleman because you wouldn’t be able to put down your beer or agree to the rules.  Would you like to respond to these allegations?

Piasecki:  Don’t know if I’d fight Andre. It would make for pretty awkward staff meetings to say the least. Let me get back to you after I finish this beer.

The Proc:  You’re from Ohio.  What’s it like being Pennsylvania’s bitch?
Piasecki: It’s tough to compete with a place that brought us terms like “santorum” (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Santorum_%28sexual_neologism%29 ), “Pennsylvania chocolate pie” and “Pittsburgh dumptruck” (I don’t even want to link to those two).

The Proc:  Follow-up question:  What the hell is a Buckeye?
Piasecki: I could tell you it’s a strange nut produced by an indigenous tree, but there’s nothing funny or amusing about that, is there?

The Proc:  Which phrase describes you better:  “Intermunicipal Man of Mystery” or “Pasadena Weekly’s Resident Ladykiller”?
Piasecki:  I’ll go with “Intermunicipal Man of Mystery,” as I wouldn’t want to scare off any of the ladies or let a certain “sexy” councilman friend of yours (http://sexystevehaderlein.blogspot.com/) try to claim that one for himself.
The Proc:  Did you hear the one about the Polish guy who went hunting?  He was driving up into the mountains when he saw a sign saying “Bear Left” - so he went home.
Piasecki:  My uncle, a submarine screen-door repairman, still feels disappointed. Seriously, though, a lot of people tell Polish jokes back in Cleveland. One time, I saw this guy walk into a bar and ask the bartender if he wanted to hear a Polish joke. The bartender warned him that he, the two bouncers and us five other guys at the bar were Polish. “Still want to tell the joke?” asked the bartender. “No,” said the stranger. “I don’t want to have to explain it eight times.”
The Proc:  Who’s the most fun person you’ve ever interviewed for the Weekly?
Piasecki:  That’s a tough one, but I think I had the most fun with the Charlie Munger interview because he just so obviously, but not maliciously, didn’t give a crap.
The Proc:  What do you think of Steve Madison?
Piasecki:  I’ve heard he’s a fun guy to hang out with once you get to know him, but you’d have to consider the source: http://www.pasadenaweekly.com/cms/story/detail/nothing_but_lies/5442/
The Proc:  If I grew a beard, by what percentage would it increase my Piaseckability? Piaseckiness? Piasecquience?

Piasecki:  Piaseckability – Inclination or suitability to being Piasecki-like
Piaseckiness – The quality of being or sounding Piasecki-like, something you feel from the gut without regard to evidence or logic.
Piasecquience – Now that’s just made-up! But I like its Piaseckiness, so it stays.
Growing a beard can boost your rating in all three.

The Proc:  True or False:  Your boss, Kevin Uhrich, is D.B. Cooper.
Piasecki:  Now that you mention it, he has been awfully quiet about the fall of ’71. Some say he bears more of a resemblance to Jack Lord in “Hawaii-Five-O.”

I’d like to thank Joe for being a good sport and putting up with my interview questions.  On a serious note, I think Joe’s a class act.  He doesn’t walk around with an arrogant sense of self-importance or constantly make “look-at-me” statements like yours truly.  From what I observe, he hasn’t ever padded a story with his personal political agenda either.  He’s a nice guy, very smart, and very knowledgeable about Pasadena….

For a Polish guy.

I kid, I kid.

Who will be next in the Aaron Proctor Interview Series?  Just wait and see!

- AP

Google: We run the world.

The Proc was using GOOG-411 the other day to find a phone number.  It’s a useful, free 411 service provided by, you guessed it, Google.  Using the system is pretty easy - although I felt like Deckard in Blade Runner in the scene where he’s telling that little computer to move around a photo.

So, this morning I decided to mess around with the system a little bit.  You see, when you call in it asks you for your City and State followed by an inquiry for a local business or service.  Naturally, I said “Pasadena, California” followed by “Aaron Proctor“.

The results were hilarious.  The first result was the Altadena Public Library (site of one of my forums when I ran for Mayor).  The third result was the City of Pasadena.  Other results include Brit’s, Frank & Dean’s (which - according to a reader - says the interior looks like somewhere Goren & Eames would look for suspects), and - of course - Robin’s.  I’m assuming since they couldn’t find a listing for my name, they just searched for local businesses and stumbled upon my website where I’ve talked about these places.  Pretty awesome.

**

“No, ma’am, I cannot sculpt a statue of David out of ribs”

Speaking of Robin’s, the owner & former City Council candidate, Robin Salzer, is headed to Europe for a few weeks to attend a family event.  A little barbecued birdie told me he’ll be hitting up Switzerland on his way to Italy.  So, a month from now, everyone in La Suisse will be eating Mesquite chocolate bars.  Mmmm-mmmm.

**

If anyone cares, the historic Herikmer building was sold for $2.5 million.  Apparently, it’s not real news - or else it wouldn’t be in the worst newspaper I’ve ever read.

According to Emma Peel in the Star-Blues:

Heritage Housing Partnership, an offshoot of Pasadena Heritage, has bought the historic Herkimer Arms apartments as the centerpiece of a $2.5 million project in Northwest Pasadena.

The group announced plans Tuesday to move the rare eight-unit building - the only known apartments by Greene and Greene - from Fuller Seminary’s campus for conversion to two market-rate condominiums.

The $10 purchase - hailed by Fuller officials as a “win-win situation” for all concerned - comes three months after the collapse of a contentious year-long effort by developer Fil Salcedo to move the building to North Marengo Avenue, making way for the seminary’s planned $30-million Worship Center.  

Oh - and by the way - there was a another racially-motivated shooting in Pasadena, too.  Shhhh…don’t tell anyone.  At least our historic heritage will be preserved!! Rose Bowl!  Green Week!  WOOOO!

Whatever happened to that violence committee? 

They’re polishing the doors on the Maserati.

Bon Mercredi,

- AP

Following in the footsteps of Miss Havisham, I recently sat down (to compose an e-mail) with Pasadena Police Chief & Interim CM, Bernard Melekian.  I asked him very important questions that we all seriously need answered here in the Crown City.  This actually took place - it isn’t made up.  Here are the results of that interview:

The Proc Says:  Which show was better:  ‘Adam 12′ or ‘Dragnet’?

Melekian: Adam 12 since they have better hats.

The Proc:   What do you think of Steve Madison?

Melekian:  He is the best Councilmember in District 6.

The Proc:   Who is going to win the Final Four this year?

Melekian:  The team who scores the most points in every game they play…

The Proc:  Wouldn’t it be way cooler if we had Dunkin’ Donuts in Pasadena instead of Winchell’s?

Melekian:  No, we need to have a Crispy Cream…

The Proc:   Who would win in a fight between Andre Coleman and Joe Piasecki?

Melekian:  There wouldn’t be a fight, since they couldn’t put their beers down nor could they agree on the rules.

The Proc:  Is my website a great Pasadena website or the greatest Pasadena
website?

Melekian:  I haven’t been able to find your website. Is it an actual website or a virtual website?

The Proc:  Can I challenge you to an arm wrestling match?

Melekian:  Yes, but I won’t accept since my image would be shattered if I lost. For that matter, yours would be shattered if you won.

The Proc:  What actor would you like to see play you in a movie about Pasadena?

Melekian:  Clint Eastwood

I find I only had the capacity for 8 somewhat amusing (to me anyway)
answers.Take care,
Bernard Melekian
And that’s what we call investigative journalism.  Kudos to Bernard for not only having a sense of humor but having seriously hilarious responses.  He’s a good sport.

And that’s what we call investigative journalism.  Kudos to Bernard for not only having a sense of humor but having seriously hilarious responses.  He’s a good sport. 

Are you feeling lucky, Pasadena?

- AP

Miss Havisham’s Tea Party & One Hour Martinizing

Happy 1st day of Pasadena Cussing Week!  Shit!

I hope everyone had a nice weekend.  The Proc sure did - `cause his Villanova Wildcats are headed to the Sweet 16! 

Local blogger, artist, and party host, Miss Havisham, has recently posted a well-done and interesting interview with current Pasadena Police Chief and Interim CM, Barney “Don’t Call Me Barney” Melekian.

In the article, we find out that Melekian reads her blog (which must mean he reads other blogs), we learn a little about his family life, and we find out his future ambitions in the Crown City.  Miss Havisham is a really great writer - and contrary to Steve Madison’s belief - is NOT my girlfriend.

I don’t know why she left out some of Barney’s responses, though.  Luckily, after spiking her tea with some elephant tranquilizers I got from a liquor store on Orange Grove, I was able to get the rest of the interview.  Some of The Un-Don Knotts’ responses are great.

TOP TEN RESPONSES LEFT OUT OF MISS HAVISHAM’S INTERVIEW WITH BARNEY MELEKIAN

10.  Released a rap album under the pseudonym “Freak Meleek”

9.  Became a police officer because his favorite wrestler was the Big Boss Man.

8.  Has every episode of “Visiting With Huell Howser” on tape.

7.  Police badge made out of 100% chocolate.

6.  Tried out for Jeopardy.  Was disqualified when he accidentally shot Trebek in the kneecap.

5.  Was named City Manager of the Smurf village.

4.  Blares sirens when he’s stuck in traffic.

3.  Was a 15-seed in last year’s NCAA Men’s Basketball tournament. 

2.  Not only reads Miss Havisham’s blog, also has a YouTube video response to “Two Girls: One Cup”

1.  Working on a re-make of “Tenspeed & Brownshoe” with Andre Coleman

**

Dormitas points out another idiotic piece of garbage printed by you-know-who.  The worst part is that L-Dub is now using Gizoogle to “translate” his articles so the “minority community” can “understand him better”.

“WE hizzy work ta do,” sez idea origizzle Bobby Nelson on tha notion of bustin’ a local community dialogue on race in tha wakes of tha Obama speech, as mentioned in Friday’s column.

“Let’s think `bout this a shawty more. Where is tha usual places ta go? Well, tha minista - they’ve bizzle work’n on tha issue fo` a long tizzy from tha streets of tha L-B-C. But elsewhere in tha community as well.” He mentioned a prominent black businesswizzles as a candidate fo` participizzles in any round tables n more formal dialogue. And suggested mackin’ tha Pasadena Brotha of Commerce involved n shit.

I’m jizzay sure new chamba heezee homey Pizzle Little is look’n fo` shiznit ta do T-H-to-tha-izzat wizzle remind him of his recent role as a city councilman, R-to-tha-izzight?

Realtor Bert Tibbet writes in wit recollizzles of straight trippin’ affordable rhymin’ in Northwest Pasadena in tha late 1970s now motherfuckers lemme here ya say hoe. Tibbet, who is white, has an frontin’ business story of a successful collaborizzles wit African-Amerizzle n Latino business n civic leada thizzay a partnership tizzle he thinks would not work as wizzy these days. Proof? Look at tha debacle of Heritage Square, he says. I’ll relate his fizzle story n an anecdote `bout racial attitudes among tha young spendin’ T-H-to-tha-izzat time of integration of tha local schools in a future column.

Professor Peta Dreia sez tha issue in its local sense is “well-timed n important”; perhaps we can makes use of his Occidental connections fo` com’n dialogues . You’se a flea and I’m the big dogg.

Whizzay La Grande Orange pened a wizzle ago today wit a Pasadena Heritage benefit, some of us who’d had tha pleasure of actually tak’n tha train - tha real train, tha heavy rail, tha Santa Fe - frizzay tha South Raymond Avenue station tizzy tha restaurant brotha restored were overcome by woozy nostalgia straight from long beach mothafucka.

My grandmotha, Hazel O’Brien Crazy Ass Fucka lived in Amarillo, Texas, n as widow of tha Atchison, Topeka n Santa Fe Railway’s Panhandle vice president, she had a lifetime pass on tha firm’s routes. I don’t T-H-to-tha-izzink tizzy really covered tha all-Pullman sleepa ride fizzle of tha Supa Chief, flagship of tha line, but it was an excellent excuse ta takes tha train from Pasadena ta Amarillo everyone wit her grandchildren.

I don’t recall ever frontin’ any of tha Hollywood stars on board tha Chief, who, it was said, climbed on in Pasadena in orda ta avoid tha media biznuzz of Union Station downtown. But it was a fizzy way ta see tha Wiznest.

Nizzle over a locally brewed Craftsman ale out by tha tracks, it’s a bootylicious place ta rememba tha way th’n were. The food n drink is certainly a far sizzay motherfucka than T-H-to-tha-izzat forked over by tha candy machines of tha 1960s . I’m a mutha fuckin 2-time felon.. The gorgeous wood-beamed interior, wit original light’n fixtures extant, n original ticket boxes in tha open kitchen, looks probably betta than in its first incarnation.

And if thizzat lonesome whistle D-to-tha-izzon’t really blizzow any more - killa it’s tizzle somewhat gang bangin’ bizzle of tha Gold Line trains ridin’ into tha Del Mar Station - W-to-tha-izzell, nostalgia ain’t wizzle it used ta be ya feelin’ me?. At least we’ve still gots a train so show some love homies. Someday, whizzen it runs from out Claremont way ta downtown, it wizzay be a really useful line like old skool shit. And there’s already a kind of Sam Spade-y, old-L.A. vizzle in La Grande Orange thiznat makes you think important ridin’ wizzay happen dizzown tha decades when thugz hop off tha train n into tha bar.

larry.wilsizzle

At least the idiotic article is somewhat more enjoyable that way.  This guy’s real articles make “Mein Kampf” look like “A Christmas Carol“.

**

(Sung to “Sweet Caroline”)

Steve Haderlein….

You have never seemed so good.

What makes me fine?

Moving to District 4 would

Sexy Steve is pretty excited I’m moving to District 4.  My new Councilman e-mailed me and let me know that all of the cool people live over there - and that there’s a moratorium on Maseratis.  Hoorah!

That’s all for today.  Have a great Monday.

I gotta go cause I got me a drop top and if I hit the switch, I can make the ass drop.

- AP

Sung to “Cherry Pie” by Warrant:

He’s Steve Haderlein

Pitchin’ a fit bout

A property of mine

Looks so good

Makes a straight man cry

Steve Haderlein…

My new Councilman and sexiest man in Pasadena, Steve Haderlein, uncharacteristically went off on some developers - according to an article that James MacPherson probably copied off of another reporter’s notepad.

Not to say I’m in favor of or against what Steve did - I will say it is rather dickish that DS Ventures (hey - are they owned by DS Waters?) - didn’t invite Councilman-meat to the meeting.

Even though we live in a free-market economy, you know me and you know I’m still rebellious in many ways.  Although I’m still unsure whether I’m going to go down the Gene Masuda road in the 2011 election (that is, if Haderlein doesn’t decide to run against me for Mayor) - it is kinda cool to see Steve speak his mind and not follow “the Pasadena Way.”

Oh - by the way - if Haderlein and Masuda want to fight over an endorsement from me, here’s some easy ways to win me over:

• Name a burger after me
• Name a street after me (since I am moving to District 4)
• A couple of cartons of Marlboro Menthol Smooths (100’s, please)
• Buy me a DeLorean (they’re about $20,000)
• Shirtless picture (Steve only)
• A jacket like The Prisoner wears
• One night with Jane Rodriguez (of Scrabble)
• Lifetime Wendy’s gift card

Those will all put a smile on my face.  Ten miles wide.

**

McKay Hatch Received Thirteen Swirlies This Week

I think I’ve read one of the funniest editorials about local news ever - and it comes from a paper hundreds of miles away.  It’s an editorial by Edwin Decker, whom I already think is a bona fide genius, in the San Diego City Beat. 

Edwin discusses South Pasadena (a/k/a Inferior Pasadena) and how a dorky 14-year-old got them to declare the first week of March “No Cussing Week”.

I’m not even going to lay into this kid because I’m sure it’s already happening to him on a daily basis.  To mirror the editorial, this whole thing is much deserving of tons of ridicule.

As a Pasadena resident, I’ve always hated South Pasadena.  It’s a stupid down that I try to avoid at all costs.  Riding our coattails by having our city’s name in theirs while trying to be completely different.  It’s such a stupid place that, the last time I checked, they have a Von’s next to a Pavilion’s - which are owned by the same fucking company! So I’m not surprised the jackasses on their City Council would support such a stupid, non-enforceable “suggestion”.

There’s no more Rialto theater there, hence no reason to even give that place the time of day.  I’d spend my money in Irwindale or Fontana before I did in South Pas.  Traitors.

As a huge fan of the 1st Amendment, I’m proposing we counter South Pasadena’s cussing dibacle with a week here in Pasadena that not only celebrates our Constituion but celebrates free speech and individuality as well.

That’s why I’m officially declaring next week Cussing Week.

Try to use profanity as much as you can next week in Pasadena.  At work, at home, at your place of worship.  As the San Diego City Beat article suggests, get creative.  Don’t just use “fuck” and “shit” all of the time.  Really roll with the punches.  Learn some foreign cursewords, even!  Merde! 

Imagine the possibilities!  As Sunday is Easter, Jesus would be proud!  Fuck yeah, cunts!

Go forth and spread the word of the Lord Aaron Proctor, bitches.

**

A few friends and I were wondering the other day - whatever happened to McDonaldland?  According to Wikipedia, McDonald’s became pussy-fied and stopped using the characters.

As an investigate journalist on Andre Coleman-type levels, here’s the real scoop on all of your favorite characters:

Mayor McCheese

Mayor McCheese is still a very popular Mayor in McDonaldland.  He won the election last year with nearly 90% of the vote.  He’s actually an avid bicyclist, a former lawyer, and called a “tower of affability” by the McDonaldland Star-Napkin.

Grimace

Grimace actually tried to run against Mayor McCheese and lost.  He was building a political name for himself within McDonaldland until it was discovered he was Order #9 at Burger King and shamed in front of his friends and family.  Grimace now lives in Toms River, New Jersey with his two sons.

Hamburglar

The Hamburglar was, sadly, the first victim of the McDonaldland Three-Strikes-Law.  Hamburglar went from stealing hamburgers to socking on people from Taco Bell Land. He’s now serving a life sentence at White Castle.

Big Mac

Big Mac is still the police chief of McDonaldland AND the interim City Manager.  Mayor McCheese claims McDonaldland has spent 30,000 pickles looking for a permanent one - but there’s a lot of rumors that Big Mac will be named the new City Manager shortly.

Birdie The Early Bird

Birdie, agreed to be the most annoying of McDonaldland residents, still pops up at Council meetings now and again to sing songs and read poems.  Nobody likes her.

**

So there you have it.  I hope everyone has a Happy Easter - because when I think Jesus’ resurrection, I think chocolate eggs and a big bunny.

Have you had your blog today? 

- AP 

Steve Haderlein (right) with his dog, Open Space (left)

So - it’s official!  Kelli & I finally found a place!

The best news is we’re moving into District 4!  You’ve got to admit - having a sexy Councilman is a huge selling point. Now my dream of challenging Steve Haderlein to a game of basketball can come true!  Now my drunk dials to him have a point!  Now I can further plot how I will defeat him for the Mayor position in 2011!

District 4 just got 11% cooler.  Sorry, Margaret, that you’re losing such an awesome personality such as moi. 

**

So - a lot of people are shocked about my hateful post about Larry Wilson yesterday.  I’m not making any apologies.  The guy is a total douche and I’m not trying to make friends with him or become part of his sycophantic following.  It’s about time people started saying what they really feel in this City, instead of hiding behind political-speak and fake issues. 

Besides, it’s no secret I have a temper when it comes to assholes and I’m really passionate about the people and things that make Pasadena, well, Pasadena.  Whether I’m questioning Larry Wilson’s abilities as a human being or making a video about Steve Madison to say he has a small penis - I’m always turning heads and causing trouble along the way: for the good of Pasadena.

This isn’t the first time I’ve went off my rocker before, either.

From the home office in Terre Haute, Indiana:

TOP TEN OTHER SHOCKING AARON PROCTOR BLOG ENTRIES

10.  “Only Terrorists Like The Doo Dah Parade”

9.  “When Martin Truitt’s Eyes Met Mine…”

8.  “St. Luke’s Hospital To Become St. Luke’s Wild Water Kingdom”

7.  “Victor Gordo and Lena Kennedy Are The Same Person” 

6.  “The Jews Caused The Red Sox To Win Again”

5.  “Joe Piasecki Actually Owns A Submarine With A Screen Door”

4.  “I’m Opening A Restaurant Called Batman’s Across The Street From Robin’s”

3.  “If You Shop At Gelson’s, You’re A Homo”

2.  “Kelli’s Favorite Sexual Positions”

1.  “Joe Hopkins Makes A Lot Of Sense”

**

There’s been some conversation around these parts about the new proposed law in Pasadena to spay and neuter pit bulls.  Fred “Ham And Egger” Ortega has some of the community’s responses over at his blog. 

I wouldn’t say I’m a hardcore animal lover - I also wouldn’t say I hate animals, either.  Pit bulls (and dogs in general) aren’t my favorite beings in the animal world, though.  I just think this whole law is another example of how the People’s Republic of Pasadena (and big government in general) wants to interfere in our daily lives. 

All I know is that there’s another country in this world who forces people to cut down on the human population.  It’s called China - remember they had a float in the Rose Parade?

What’s next?  The City of Pasadena saying that people in families with a history of crime can’t have any more babies?  Why can’t the Crown City just offer suggestions instead of telling people what to do? 

Offer the City of Pasadena an inch, and they’ll take a mile.  It’s kind of like The Village.

**

It’s time for another, belated installment of Sid Tyler Facts!

Sponsored in part by Jack Daniels.  Making it harder for Sid to play Computer Solitaire during City Council meetings since 2007.

• Apple pays Sid Tyler 99 cents every time he listens to a song.
• Sid Tyler is also known as “Client Number Infinity”
• The government really didn’t help out Bear Stearns.  Sid Tyler just went over to their building and tapped on the window.
• Sid Tyler’s suing MySpace because that’s what he calls everything around you.
• The Patriots didn’t go 19-0 because Sid Tyler is going to be an NFL expansion team soon.
• Sid Tyler doesn’t have a Control key on his keyboard.  He’s always in control.
• Sid Tyler was in Atlanta last weekend.  You saw what happened.
• Pasadena is proposing a law to spay and/or neuter Sid Tyler.
• The Pacific Theaters in Hastings Ranch closed because Sid Tyler hated “X-Men 3″
• “March Madness” was originally coined when somebody spent the entire month of March with Sid Tyler.
• If you turn the lights off in the bathroom, look in the mirror, spin in a circle three times chanting “Sid Tyler, Sid Tyler, Sid Tyler” - he’ll open the door and offer you a glass of 30-year-old Scotch.

I wouldn’t mess with that guy.

By the way, I’m still unable to unmoderate comments.  So - if you have anything positive OR negative to say, drop me a line:  teamproctor@proctorformayor.com. 

- AP

Larry Wilson (right), Miss Havisham (left)

So I’m scanning Blogadena this morning and come across a post from Centinel over on Foothill Cities.

In case you didn’t hear, former Pasadena Mayor Katie Nack passed away.  Wilson decided to do a tribute to her in the Star-News.  That’s all good.  I didn’t live here when she was in charge but everyone I talk to says she was a class act.

Centinel then proceeds to let us know just what else Wilson had to say:

It’s that people don’t live the kinds of lives that create hundreds of good reasons to write general-interest news and feature stories about them. And if they did, almost equally sadly for the community, the pinched newspaper of today couldn’t keep up with them. As for the alternatives, the snarky, short-attention-span world of the blogs - why, there would be nothing snippy to say about the pilgrim’s progress of a Katie. 

 

RANT ALERT 

First of all:  Fuck You, Larry Wilson.  And not the good kind of way that you probably go with Rick Cole to restrooms to get it, either.

Why would you take a swipe at us bloggers, of all people, when you’re doing a tribute to someone who is dead? 

And - what exactly are you expecting from us?  What?  Did you think I’d do a “Top Ten Ways She Died” list or something like that?  Hell, even if my arch-nemesis passed away, I wouldn’t go that far.

I personally don’t care if you insult bloggers - but why do it in someone’s obituary?  What’s your game, Larry? 

Sorry that people who read blogs have a “short attention span”.  Sorry that we can’t stand to read that shit-filled piece of toilet paper you call a “newspaper”.  Sorry your worthless company had to can people last week but your lillywhite ass got saved.  I guess that’s the blogosphere’s fault. 

Someone from Nack’s family should hit you over the head with a brick.

The next time I see you - remind me to let you know you should not talk to me, not look at me and just walk away.  You’d better pray to Julie Newmar that we don’t cross paths.  Fuck you for using someone’s death to promote your own “anti-21st Century” agenda.  Fuck you for being…..you.

The Proc says:  Larry Wilson.  Know your role and shut your fucking mouth. 

(Edited so I don’t get sued) 

- AP

The Proc is back once again to please the millions (and millions..) of The Proc’s fans.  Yeah, I’m still working on getting those comments unmoderated.  It will happen later than sooner - so - if you really have something to say, just drop me a line at teamproctor@proctorformayor.com.  All e-mails are answered ASAP.

Driving around the City on Sunday, looking for affordable apartments and guest houses, I found myself criss-crossing through the beautiful neighborhoods and districts and areas that make Pasadena the best City in the whole fucking world. 

If This Bungalow Is A Rockin’, Don’t Come A Knockin’ (Between 2 a.m. and 6 a.m.) 

If you’ve never driven around the Crown City before, you might not notice we have a lot of things called Landmark Districts here in Pasadena.  According to the People’s Republic website, people become part of a Landmark District by having residents petition the City for a designation.  The Historic Preservation Commission, Planning Commission, and Sid Tyler’s Commission Of Council & Ass Kickings then hold public meetings and it’s up to City Council to decide if you become one or not. 

If your neighborhood has one of these signs, chances are you’re not in a Landmark District

Some examples of Landmark Districts include Bungalow Heaven, Garfield Heights, and Banbury Oaks.   There were a few others you may not hear about on a daily basis that I passed through this weekend.

From the home office in The Historic Highlands…

TOP TEN LEAST POPULAR PASADENA LANDMARK DISTRICTS

10.  Chlamydia Heights (a/k/a East Colorado & Michillinda)

9.  Really-Old & Grizzled-Town Pasadena

8.  Piasecki Plaza

7.  Playa Del Rancho Santa El Camino

6.  Landmark THIS!

5.  Olde English Hills

4.  Haystacks Calhoun Ranch

3.  Miss Havisham’s Block Party

2.  Poopyland Underwear (this one was sent in by Johnny McShankleby, Age 5, North Pasadena Heights.  Johnny you get a Spongebob t-shirt and a video of “The Best Of Aaron Proctor”)

1.  Arroyo Gordo 

**

Eliot Spitzer:  We Need A Man Like You In Pasadena

Is it just me or has Under The Dome become quite a bore lately?  Maybe Larry Wilson’s sedative-like personality is rubbing off or maybe new Under The Dome contributor, Fred Ortega, has big shoes to fill?  (And you know what that means when your predecessor has big shoes:  big shoelaces). 

Suffice to say, there isn’t really anything exciting going on in Proctordena.  The fake City Manager search continues and that’s really about it.  Can’t a Spitzer-esque scandal come our way?  That would be awesome.  Maybe we could send some hookers over to Steve Madison’s house and film it for YouTube? 

Then again, that wouldn’t happen.  You ever notice it’s always the people we least suspect who end up having the biggest scandals?  I’m sure you’d be real surprised if someone came out and said I did something crazy involving alcohol, a City Council meeting, Packwood style groping, and a City Clerk. 

If we ever get a cool scandal here in Pasadena, it’s going to be from someone we least expect - something like Iron Maggie likes to pistolwhip the elderly or Chris Holden ran through Descanso Gardens, wearing only a wifebeater and boxers, singing “Holding Out For A Hero” by Bonnie Tyler.

Ah well.  If nobody else is going to great controversy, you just have to do it yourself.

Go Villanova Wildcats.

**

Anyone know where I can get a jacket like this?

Stay Gold, Pony Boy.

- AP

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