The Adventures of Aaron Proctor

Inspired by Susan Kitchens’ rendering of Jacque Robinson, based upon my rant yesterday, I made this picture of Councilman Gordo:

Speaking of picking on City Council - the popularity of my City Council Drinking Game has grown quite a bit. Just in time for Cinco De Mayo, I’ve converted the City Council Drinking Game into a special section of this very website. Click here to check out the rules and to submit your own ideas!

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Anybody see Law & Order: SVU last night? It was a big fucking deal because the sometimes-hilarious, sometimes-annoying Robin Williams guest starred last night - doing his typical “I can play a creepy guy in a dramatic role and even impress The Proc” shebang.

The hook wasn’t even Robin’s performance, which was actually pretty good and left me on the edge of my sofa seat. The actual kicker was another cameo that surprised any of us over 25 years old: Joyce DeWitt playing a nurse in a hospital.

You’re probably thinking to yourself “Damn, Proc, you so crazy. Who da fuck is Joyce DeWitt?” (if you live in Northwest Pasadena) and “Mr. Proctor, your general delusions of grandeur about uncertain actors will never be solved - even in the fullness of time.” (if you live in West Pasadena).

Joyce DeWitt is none other than the chick who played Janet on “Three’s Company“. That was pretty cool to see her. Maybe that episode will win an Emmy?
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I finally got around to mailing the actual Ham & Egger Awards out to the three winners so far. I sent one to last week’s winner Joe Hopkins (with a fake return address), the week before’s Joe Piasecki, and the inaugural Ham & Egger himself, Fred Ortega.

Apparently Fred is pretty damn proud of his mediocre and lackluster work as K-Todd’s replacement. Here’s a picture of him taken by Frank Girardot, his co-worker and Crime Scene blogger:

Don’t smile, it’s not a compliment. Button your shirt’s top button, Fred. You’re at work, not a home. And clean up that pile of papers to your left! Does your mother work at the PSN? Unless your mother is Larry Wilson?
**

If you know letters A through B, you probably aren’t going to school in Pasadena
Dormitas is pretty pissed about the PUSD wanting more money from us taxpayers and I don’t blame him one bit. I hate when public schools say they need funding to make the schools better, proceed to take our money, and then do an even shittier job.

I wish a politician would have the testicles to say the following: Let’s face it, some kids are just stupid. Maybe it’s because they’re born that way, maybe it’s because their parents are stupid, maybe it’s the environment they grow up in with the MySpace and the Facebook and the cell phones and the MTV making it not cool to know the answer to “Final Jeopardy”.

We have the worst public schools in the country here in California. Ya think throwing money at them is going to change everything? (Or anything?!) I could put a bag of hammers on my living room floor and throw money at the bag of hammers for days and it’s not going to be able to tell me the Pythagorean theorem. It would be just as futile as giving PUSD more money.

I don’t have kids and I really don’t want children at this point in time. That’s why I wear a condom and that’s also why I don’t really talk about PUSD that much - because if there’s anything else I hate, it’s when a politician who doesn’t even send their kids to public schools is talking about PUSD. However, I am a realist. If we just let these kids fall behind, then who the fuck cares? We already pretty much do that any way.

Besides, if we don’t let stupid kids fall behind - then who is going to take my order at Wendy’s? Help me find the DVD section at Wal-Mart? Who is going to come over and install my cable? Who is going to become the next big star in the NBA? Some illegal immigrant? Nahh…it should be a John Muir High School graduate!

I say we take that money and use it for better things in Pasadena. Expanding our ARTS bus system, building stronger neighborhoods, and stuff like that. That’s what I call thoughtful management of Pasadena’s finances.

And, by the way, I went to one of the lowest ranked public schools in all of Pennsylvania. I did quite fine myself. Why? Because I’m a genius. I didn’t get any money thrown at me to be that way either - it’s because I have genius parents who taught me that reading and writing and `rithmetic were more important than wearing the coolest clothes or being the most popular kid in school.

If we’re gonna teach Darwinism in schools, we might as well use “survival of the fittest” as a means of determining that they don’t get any of my hard-earned cash. Goldbrickers.
**

The Proc’s “Interview With A Bogaard” in yesterday’s edition of The Aaron Proctor Interview Series was such a huge hit that The Most Electrifying Man in Pasadena decided to go ahead and interview Bogaard’s secretary, Jana Stewart.

Jana (that’s pronounced John-uh) Stewart has been Bogaard’s right hand woman for the past 8 years. Let’s find out, together, what it’s like to work for the Man Who Crushed The Proc:

The Proc: How many words a minute do you type? I type 110 words a minute. I should have your job.

Jana Stewart: 116 on a slow day, but speed is all relative, Proc. Acurasee iz mch mo imprtnt, d’ont yew thynk?

The Proc: True or false: 11.2% of Pasadena can’t be wrong.

Jana: This is truly false.

The Proc: Do you think Dwight and Angela will ever get back together on “The Office“?

Jana: Hey, who wouldn’t want to get back with Dwight…in the scheme of things, is a cat-sicle really a reason to break up with someone? It’s not like he made her eat Sprinkles or anything.

The Proc: Does Bill Bogaard like Ronnie James Dio songs?

Jana: Are you kidding? The first thing I programmed into his ipod was “The Elf Albums“. Or wait, was it “The Butterfly Ball”?

The Proc: Ever make paper airplanes out of Council agendas?

Jana: Guess you’ve heard I’m the Origami Wizard of City Hall. Planes, cranes and automobiles fill my recycling bin every Tuesday morning.

The Proc: How many women swoon when I walk into City Hall?

Jana: Can I count that that raven haired trannie that walks around Old Town?

The Proc: You ever meet Sid Tyler? I heard he ate three 72 oz. steaks in an hour. He spent the first 45 minutes banging the waitress.

Jana: I heard it was 45 steaks and three minutes. Hmmm…not bad either way!

The Proc: How many city employees would get knackered at Moose McGillicutty’s when the offices were temporarily in the Chamber?

Jana: (Hiccup) notice they closed down not long after we left? (Hiccup) What’s up with that? This is no coincidence.

The Proc: Make The Proc a cup of coffee, stat.

Jana: I’ll get right on it. Hope you like two lumps of shugavery with that coffee.

The Proc: Who would win in a fight between Steve Madison and The Iron Sheik?

Jana: Let’s just say a certain Maserati in Pasadena has a custom clutch in the shape of a camel. An homage to his wrestling skills, no doubt. Sorry, Mr. Vaziri.

The Proc: Think I should keep you on staff when I become Mayor?

Jana: Somebody’s got to teach you how to run things…then again, I plan on retiring in 2036. Think you’ll be Mayor by then? Hahaw, electoral burn!

The Proc: Where’s the “Welcome To Pasadena” sign?

Jana: I believe it’s in fine print at the top of the overnight parking tickets.

The Proc: Does Bill Bogaard make you put cover sheets on your TPS Reports? (”Office Space” reference by the way)

Jana: You think I didn’t catch that Office Space reference? I deal with the *&$#*!@ residents like you so the Mayor doesn’t have to! I have people skills! I am good at dealing with people! Can’t you understand that? What the hell is wrong with you, Aaron Proctor?

The Proc: Give me three facts about you. Two truths and one lie.

Jana: My stripper name is Heather Garfield; I can read and write in Korean; I swoon when you walk into City Hall.

The Proc: Did Bogaard wear Hammer Pants in the late 80’s?

Jana: I can’t touch this.

**

That was fun and educational, as all the Proc’s adventures seem to be as of late. Tomorrow - The Great One’s got Richard Bruckner. Who the fuck is he? He’s the Director of the Department of Planning & Development!
Buy some stuff. Sign my petition.

Be seeing you,

- AP

From the “No Shit, Sherlock!” file comes this gem from Pasadena Now (probably cut and pasted from somewhere else):

As a result of the ongoing wildfires in the foothills above Pasadena , Sierra Madre and Arcadia , air quality continues to remain unhealthful throughout the San Gabriel Valley, said a spokesperson in a news statement. 

Really?  The fires are causing bad air quality, huh?  Next week there’s gonna be a Pasadena Now exclusive:  SLICED BREAD!  Look out, America.

You’d think they’d be blaming the air quality on us evil, second-class cigarette smokers.

Speaking of City Council’s proposed smoking ban - it looks like next week isn’t going to be the “big meeting”.  The word on Garfield Street is that they’ll be passing it on to the Planning Commission.
So the smoking ban just gets another stay of execution.  That’s fine with me, considering I’m not even going to heed the ordinance when it’s passed.

Example 1 of Not The Pasadena Way 

I am glad, though, that Council - especially guys like Victor Gordo - brought up nuisance shopping carts.  I’m sick and tired of walking around and seeing those things everywhere being left over by the homeless.  Like that annoying lady who walks around North Pasadena talking to herself while pushing one.

I especially hate the nuisance shopping carts.  You know, the kind of shopping cart you walk past and then it says to you “Pssst…want to buy some apples?”  No, Mr. Shopping Cart, I don’t.  Get a fucking job.

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Interviewed just yesterday by yours truly, District 1’s Jacque Robinson is making some local news again.

According to the Blather And The Fury, Jacque’s having a District 1 Community meeting soon.  That’s great - if it weren’t in Altadena.

What’s up with Jacque’s meeting not only not being held in her own district - but not in her own City as well!?

Well, apparently, her meeting is in her own district.  It’s one of those weird parts of Pasadena and Altadena that assimilate into a place where people are Pasadena and Altadena voters.  Weird and unheard of - but Jacque even commented on Kelly’s blog:

Hi Kelly,

Sorry to see you won’t be making the meeting. In any event, just wanted to let you and your readers know that District 1, in fact, includes Altadena addresses and residents who are lucky enough to be able to vote in both Pasadena AND Altadena. District 1 runs along Arroyo straight through Windsor (where the Vista Laguna’s and Florecita’s run as well as about 1/2 of Altadena Dr.) Odyssey is actually in the District. As a general rule, anyone can go to lavote.net and click on “District look up by address” on the right hand side and it will give you not only your City District, but Congress, Assembly, and all the other elected officials you’d like to contact for your address.

As a general practice, I am making it a practice to move the meetings around the District so everyone has an opportunity to participate, including my Altadena constituents.

Thanks

Damn it.  And here I was hoping Jacque was trying to pull something Borg-esque, a la Susan Kitchens’ comment:

Here’s why the weird venue, Kelly– I think that Jacque Robinson scheduled the meeting at this location as a city annex aggressive move. She wants more territory.
She wants her district, District 1, to be larger. Altadena, prepare to be assimilated. Resistance is futile. Robinson will bring out her Annexation Army militants at this meeting and declare a War on Altadena. It’s a coup attempt, I tell you! 

Guess we won’t be calling Jacque “District 1 of 7” any time soon.

**

Is Bill Bogaard actually James Bond?!

And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for.  It’s not just another day in the Aaron Proctor Interview Series.

The Proc has landed his biggest interview to date.  Wandering around City Hall, up to the sort of mischief only the Most Electrifying Man In Pasadena could be up to, The Proc ran into the Mayor of Pasadena, Bill Bogaard.  You know, that guy who beat The Proc in last year’s Mayoral election.

Before someone could start humming Duel of Fates (sorry about all the sci-fi references today), Bogey decided not to take on The Proc in a match of strength.  Instead, he decided to battle The Proc in a match of wits.

The Saga Begins.

(Note:  Mayor Bogaard, just like everyone else, really did answer these questions.  The Proc is serious.)

The Proc:  How do you feel after giving me the biggest ass whipping of my lifetime in last year’s election?

Mayor Bill Bogaard:  I feel good…I knew that I would now…I feeeeeeelll good…I knew that I would now…so good…so good…I whooped you…OW!

The Proc:  You’re on the board of directors at the Pasadena YMCA.  Can you do the YMCA dance?

BB:  Not only can I do the dance, but I’ve heard that at the YMCA you can get yourself clean, you can have a good meal, and you can do whatever you feel, young man.

The Proc:  I heard you’re an avid bicyclist.  Do you own a Livestrong bracelet?

BB:  Where do you think Lance got the idea for those bracelets?

The Proc:  How tall are you?

BB:  With or without shoes?

The Proc:  Wouldn’t it have been hilarious if your first name was Humphrey?

BB:  No, I don’t see the humor in that.  But after pondering the question, I did get a good chuckle when I thought, “What if Aaron’s first name was Humphrey?  And what if he was a doctor?”  Paging Doctor Humphrey Proctor…Paging Doctor Proctor to Proctology, come in Doctor Humphrey Proctor.

The Proc:  Can I wrestle you in a steel cage match?

BB:  Perhaps a Luchas de Apuestas match in an electrified Thunderdome would be an interesting way to wind down my Monday nights.

The Proc:  Who put the bomp in the bomp-a-bomp-a-bomp?  Who put the ram in the ram-a-lam-a-ding-dong?  Was it Steve Madison?

BB:  I believe it was John Gilchrist.  You may be more familiar with his work as Mikey from the Life cereal commercials.

The Proc:  Why do you make that hand gesture when people’s Public Comment time has expired?

BB:  It is preferable to using my feet.

The Proc:  Were you DB Cooper?

BB:  Wait, let me fold up my nylon parachute so I can NOT answer that question.  Not even in the fullness of time.

The Proc:   Michigan Wolverines or USC Trojans?

BB:  Go Blue!

The Proc:  You were a captain in the U.S. Air Force.  Finish these lyrics:  “Off we go into the wild blue yonder, Climbing high into the sun...”

BB:  “…Here they come zooming to meet our thunder, at ‘em boys, ram-a-lam-a-ding-dong…”

The Proc:  Did you ever watch “The Cosby Show“?  Ever notice that the main characters were Bill & Claire Huxtable?  Kinda like you and your wife Claire?  Do you have a son named Theo?

BB:  I believe you are referring to Heathcliff and Claire Huxtable.  The question is, did Cliff have a long lost son named Joseph or Matthew?

The Proc:  Senator Bill Bogaard.  Has a nice ring to it, no?

BB:  Once a Mayor, always a Mayor.

The Proc:  Favorite type of Girl Scout Cookies…?

BB:  I’m All Abouts the Thin Do-si-do Trefoil Tagalong Lemonade Mint Samoas. Thanks-A-Lot for asking, Cinna-spin.

The Proc:   Behind those doors at Council chambers - I heard there’s a Pac Man machine that you and Sid Tyler share the high score on.  True?

BB:  Beyond those doors one would also find Centipede, Donkey Kong, Frogger, Space Invaders, Galaga, and an Atari 2600.  Not to be confused with the Ataris or Atari Teenage Riot, which are no longer regulars at City Hall.  And yes, Sid and I do share the high score on Pac Man, as well as all the other machines.

The Proc:  We both speak French.  Isn’t that incroyable?

BB:  Tres incroyable.  j’attends avec intérêt cette allumette de camp, docteur Proctor.

The Proc:  Every time I type the word “inclusionary” into Microsoft Word, it gives me one of those red “you spelled something wrong” lines.  Is inclusionary even a word?

BB:  Inclusionary, pronounced in-kloo-zhuh-ner-ee is an adjective; (of zoning, housing programs, etc.) stipulating that a certain percentage of new housing will be priced within the reach of middle-income buyers or renters.  Origin:  inclusion + ary.  It may be well for you to add “inclusionary” to your Microsoft Word dictionary during a spell check.  ALT+T–>S–>ALT+A.  This will keep those red “you spelled something wrong” lines from ruining your day.  Glad I could help.

**

Wow, just wow.  The Proc is floored - and it takes a lot to floor the Proc.

Glad to un-stuff the stuffed shirts of Pasadena.

Tomorrow, we tone it down a little bit in the Series with an interview from Jana Stewart, Bill Bogaard’s secretary.

Don’t forget to SIGN MY PETITION.  Also, BUY STUFF.
Be seeing you,

- AP

Before I get to the sarcasm and the satire today, I just want to let you know if you’d like continuing serious coverage of the Chandry Flats/Santa Anita Canyon fire in Sierra Madre, head over to the Foothill Cities blog here.

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So the geniuses at the MTA want to propose an idea to start charging people to drive in the car pool lanes, including some of them in Pasadena.

I’ve never been a fan of new taxes, especially ass backwards taxes.  First of all - why punish the people who are carpooling and therefore creating less congestion on the roads?  Second of all - it seems like just another idea to “encourage” people to take the shittiest public transit system in the world outside of rickshaws.

Listen, MTA.  You’re not going to convince people to all of the sudden start taking trains and buses.  You’ve got to fix up your damn system first.  It’s a Catch-22, really.  Nobody (besides me) takes the MTA even though it’s far cheaper to take the bus than it is to drive.  Why?  Maybe it’s because the damn things are never, ever on time, maybe it’s because they take 3 hours to get somewhere it takes 45 minutes to drive - partially due to traffic, few express routes, and the fact that the driver wants to stop at every little market and business on the way to talk to his or her friends (maybe that’s just the driver on the 256).
Unlike other cities like, say, Philadelphia - Los Angeles is far too spread out to have a decent mass transit system just suddenly “pop up”.  It’s also the fact that the MTA won’t become more reliable until more people start taking it (so more people can complain!) - which again, just isn’t going to happen.

I love to hear these idiots on TV when they say they’ll start taking public transit when gas reaches $4.00/gallon.  These are the same people who said they’ll start taking the bus when gas reached $2.00/gallon.  These are probably some of the same people who said they’ll start taking public transit when gas reached 65 cents/gallon.
Oh - and don’t forget it costs an arm and a leg just to fill up at the pump now.  MTA is realizing it’s not making any money so they’re going to pass the fucktardity on to drivers.

If you’re going to charge people - why not charge people riding in the regular lanes?!

Then again, it might just work.  I doubt a person like Steve Madison would turn in his Maserati to ride on the brand new 780 line from Pasadena to Hollyweird:  now with urine scented air fresheners.

I think the MTA really ought to consider some of the following ideas to increase ridership:

TOP TEN WAYS THE MTA IS ENCOURAGING MORE PEOPLE TO TAKE PUBLIC TRANSIT

10.  They just finally gave up and realized none of the bus drivers ever check to see if you’re using a monthly pass from 2004
9.  The magic voice that tells you the next stop is now Bill Bogaard’s voice
8.  You’re now allowed to strangle loud homeless riders with that cord you use to tell the driver to request a stop
7.  Every 5th rider gets to take a turn driving
6.  Taggers ride free
5.  New slogan:  “Join The One Mile Per Hour Club”
4.  Steven Seagal reenacts scenes from “Under Siege 2” ever hour on the Gold Line
3.  You’re actually allowed to commit murder on the 187 bus line
2.  Newer slogan:  “You can’t spell ‘I’m Going To Be Late For Work’ Without M-T-A”
1.  If you find gum under your seat, you get to keep it.
**

It seems like everyone wants to be a part of the Aaron Proctor Interview Series these days.  Where were these people when The Most Electrifying Man In Pasadena was running for office?

The Proc was walking around District 1, stealing Barack Obama signs and replacing them when John McCain signs.  Suddenly, the cops came by and were about to arrest me when Jacque Robinson (that’s District 1 Councilwoman Ms. Robinson if you’re nasty) came out of nowhere and let the cops go.  She proceeded to beat the shit out of the Great One a la Fred Ortega.  (P.S. Fred, your award is in the mail)
As the Proc was being bandaged up, Jacque agreed to answer some of his questions.

The Proc:   I like your hair..who does it?

Jacque Robinson:  Salon 580 and AndiBandi

The Proc:  You were the ONLY Councilmember who knew what I was trying to pull when I asked you guys for your adult film star name.  Doesn’t that make you closer to the youth pulse than any of the other Councilmembers?

Bingo Howard:  You should know by now: Older does not = Wiser

The Proc:  I think the next City Manager should be Chuck D from Public Enemy.   Any objections?

Jacque:  “Yeah, Boyeee!”… NOT

The Proc:  What are the three biggest challenges facing District 1 right now?

Jacque:  I think District 1 is the most diverse in the city and so issues vary depending on where residents live.  So, in no particular order (and based on emails/calls that come into my office) -  quality of life related to noise issues and traffic on residential streets, jobs that lead to careers for youth and adults, and blighted properties that lead to crime issues.

The Proc:  How are you trying to answer those challenges?

Jacque:  Getting the Council to adopt a long term, sustainable approach to youth development and opportunities as it relates to the at-risk population and young adults over age 18; making it a practice to be accessible and responsive to email and phone calls with additional follow-up to City Staff to make sure issues are resolved in a timely manner.  Also, actively marketing District 1 as a untapped affordable, economic engine.  There are some exciting opportunities coming up for Lincoln Ave. but it will take time.  I just hope people will be patient and reasonable in thier expectations.  I hate the thought of us (Council) adopting things “in principal.”  I think it’s such a cop out.  Some things aren’t just black and white.

The Proc:  Say you’d lost to Robin Salzer last year.  Would you have run again in the future under the name “Rose Bowl“?

Jacque:  What name is better than Jacque Robinson?

The Proc:  True or false:  Steve Madison can’t find District 1 on a map.

Jacque:  False

The Proc:  Do you get distracted during meetings when Steve Haderlein flexes?   What cologne does he wear?

Jacque:  Wait, Steve (H.) has muscles?

The Proc:  How many friends do you have on the MySpace?

Jacque:  5, I think…I don’t even use it all that often.  If you’re really my friend, you’ll take the time to call.

The Proc:  Do you giggle anytime someone accidentally calls it the “Jacque Robinson Center“?

Jacque:  What’s “it”?

The Proc:  Are you going to be Barack Obama’s Vice Presidential candidate?

Jacque:  I’ll consider it if Hillary declines.

The Proc:  Want to go to the Spring Formal?

Jacque:  I don’t think Kelli would appreciate that.

The Proc:  Remember that episode of Growing Pains where Mike Seaver didn’t end up marrying that chick because he got cold feet?  Wasn’t that sad?

Jacque:  The last episode of The Cosby Show was much sadder…Name one current primetime TV show that features a normal, functioning, family with both parents MARRIED (to each other) w /kids - of any race?

The Proc:  Does anyone ever eat at that cafe over on Lincoln called “The Spot“?  It always seems empty.

Jacque:   Actually, they only do catering now but thier food is pretty tasty.

The Proc:   I asked this question to Darryl Dunn (GM of the Rose Bowl) and he didn’t answer - but I know you can answer tough questions.  John Muir High
School has its graduation ceremonies at the Rose Bowl.  Isn’t that too big of a venue for 5 students?

Jacque:  Graduation is a big lifetime event well suited for a big venue. Besides, I thought size didn’t matter?

The Proc:  Can you name a street after me?

Jacque:  No can do…I’m still trying to get a meal named after me at Robin’s.

The Proc:  Andre Coleman took my can of Pringles.  What should I do?

Jacque:  Tell his wife.

The Proc:  Didn’t former District 1 Council Candidate Raphael Henderson kind of remind you of “Carlton” from “The Fresh Prince of Bel Air“?

Jacque:  LOL.

The Proc:  Has Victor Gordo taken you out to The Colorado yet?

Jacque:  I’m allergic to smoke

The Proc:  Margaret McAustin said in her interview that nobody would want to see a lingerie pillow fight between you, Margaret, and Jane Rodriguez.  I don’t think that’s true.

Jacque:  I agree with Margaret.

The Proc:  We’re about the same age.  Remember that show “Square One” with that “Mathnet” detective series at the end of each episode?  Didn’t that show
rock?

Jacque:  Schoolhouse Rocks!

**

Thanks to Jacque for taking the time to answer questions - especially with all of that algebra homework she had to do.  I’ve got the biggest interview of all lined up for tomorrow.  MAYOR BILL BOGAARD and I will battle it out once again.  Stay tuned.
**

Blog reader and Aaron Proctor fan, Felicia Cain - sent in this addition to the City Council Drinking Game:

and if you don’t mind me saying, i could add a few rules such as: taking a swig every time the mayor says “you have 10 seconds, sir/ma’am.” during public comment. then ya gotta take a second swig when the speaker ignores the mayor and goes over the time limit

Excellent.  I’ll be taking shots tonight - and in person next week when they try to ban smoking and anything else that’s fun in Pasadena.

Be seeing you,

- AP

Foothill Cities (here and here) and 91024 are doing some excellent coverage of the fire in Santa Antia Canyon.

Here are pictures that I took Sunday morning at 7 a.m. - how it looked then from Eastern Pasadena:

- AP

Brand new bumper stickers have arrived and they’re on sale!

Show the world you know where to get the latest and greatest political news & views in Pasadena.  Plus, if you’re a horrible driver, they might think it’s your website and then they’ll just give me hell. 
Only $4.00.  Check it out at the all new Aaron Proctor Store!

- AP

Run, don’t walk, over to Pasadena’s Political Underbelly for some brand new Sid Tyler Facts! Click here.

**

Joe Hopkins - recently bitchslapped by Jim Laris

It looks like Jim Laris has responded to Joe Hopkins’ editorial, something I mentioned earlier this week, in the current edition of the Pasadena Weekly.

Jim seemingly held nothing back - something people in Pasadena rarely do. (Part of the Pasadena Way is not having a sack.) The 5 people who read Joe’s paper and have the same ideas as him are going to be shitting bricks when they read stuff like this:

And that First Amendment whining of yours. Who the hell is stopping you from speaking your mind? Nobody. You have a damn newspaper, for Christ’s sake! You just don’t like it when someone responds. Well, Joe, I’m just using my First Amendment right to call you and Obama and the Rev. Wrong on your misguided, racist comments. If you can’t stand the heat, then get out of the damn kitchen. Just call me a racist jerk in your newspaper if you like, but please, save me the whining about how I want to stop you from speaking your mind.

Nicely done. Still, if you two grizzled old guys want to battle it out on the basketball court, let me and Steve Haderlein know. I’ll bring the basketball, you bring the Wild Turkey, Jim. I’m not responsible for any heart attacks, though.

Joe Hopkins - you’re officially the Ham And Egger Of The Week. Go ahead and frame this award right next to the lynching picture you have in your office (true story, says Martin Truitt). Oh - and while you’re at it - fix up your damn website so it doesn’t look like some shit a two year old put up on Geocities in 1997.

**

From the “Who The Fuck Cares?” pile - has anybody been reading Carl Kozlowski’s 3-or-whatever part series in the most recent issues of the PW?

So some ex-prostitute and junkie in Koreatown gets in trouble because her animals should be considered service animals and they’re not, blah, blah, fuckity blah, I don’t care because I don’t feel sorry for hookers.

Seriously. How am I supposed to feel sorry for someone who obviously comes off as a loon. I used to know enough chicks like this in real life!

I like you, Carl, but this is garbage, not journalism. The only way this ties into Pasadena is because future Dateline: To Catch A Predator star and former Pasadena Mayoral candidate, Philip Koebel, had his hands in the legal side. Other than that - why the fuck should I, the reader, care?

Perhaps this heaping pile of journalistic dump could have been substituted with some high-quality, high-energy, consistently entertaining political satire? I wonder where you can find that?
So, go forth and sign my online petition. If this crap can get in the Weekly, my stuff should be there, too.

**

It’s time for the next round in the Aaron Proctor Interview Series. The Most Electrifying Man In Pasadena, The Proc, should have brought his boxing gloves when he met up with the Star-News’ Fred Ortega. Fred officially accomplished something few others in Pasadena have - laying the smacketh down on the Great One.

P.S. You should watch this week’s CityBeat on the Pasadena website to hear Fred call himself a “ham and egger”.

The Proc Says: Brutus or Bluto?

Fred Ortega: For some reason I always liked Bluto better. Brutus is too Roman and out of character with the Popeye mythology.

The Proc: I-7. Hit or miss?

Fred: Miss. You got no game, Proctor.

The Proc: Shouldn’t the Pasadena Star-News be called “The Monrovia, Sierra Madre, Arcadia, Pico Rivera, and Other Cities Nobody Cares About Star-News”?

Fred: Maybe we should start covering Philly, too, to make you feel more at home? And you left out my home town, Alhambra. Come on man, we gotta spread the love around to our West San Gabriel Valley sister cities!

The Proc: Did you work at the PSN when Mary Frances Gurton worked there? That bitch was crazy!

Fred: I was at the Trib when Mary Frances was here, so I worked with her on several stories, particularly when I was covering weekends for both papers. And you ain’t kidding! One time I stumbled onto a Pasadena crime story on a Saturday. On Monday she came out to the West Covina office, pulled me out of the newsroom, dug her shank in my ribs and told me, “Punk ass better step off if ya don’t wanna get cut.” That was the last time I encroached on her beat.

The Proc: Do you make those microwave taquitos I buy at the supermarket?

Fred: No. I stick strictly to brewing salsa, and the hot kind that you wussy Easterners can’t hack.

The Proc: Put that coffee down. Coffee is for reporters.

Fred: Toss your keyboard. Blogs are for people with something worthwhile to write about.

The Proc: Which is the better phrase that describes working at the PSN. “Can’t wait until tomorrow” or “Work hard enough not to get fired”?

Fred: I think both phrases get equal billing nowadays.

The Proc: You should make a documentary about Steve Madison called “The Devil Drives A Maserati”.

Fred: I think a documentary about your attempt to unseat Mayor Bill Bogaard would make for much more compelling (and hilarious) television. But I’d have to edit out all those scenes where you smile so as not to offend the viewers (Good God man, do something about those teeth. You look like a cockney cab driver!). No wonder you lost. Remember that, sadly, image is everything in politics. Just ask Madison. Say what you will about his ideology, but the guy looks sharp.

The Proc: “What’s Happening” or “What’s Happening Now“?

Fred: Come on, what kind of question is that? That crappy sequel series doesn’t hold a candle to the original. What’s more depressing than seeing Rerun reduced to selling used cars? And that little girl Raj adopted, she sucked. Dee rocked her world, as far as sass goes.

The Proc: Do you wear a little fedor with a press pass in it and walk around asking people to call you “‘Scoop’ Ortega”?

Fred: That’s fedora you uneducated bufoon, and no. What really attracted me to reporting were the tales of journalistic debauchery, and the days when the old AP motto “Drunk by Noon” reigned supreme (that’s Associated Press, but I
bet Aaron Proctor has a similar philosophy). Sadly those days were long gone by the time I got in the business. Though I hear Girardot still keeps a bottle of Jack in his bottom left drawer.

The Proc: Whatcha think of the blogosphere? I like to call it Blogadena `round these parts.

Fred: It is, in a word, invigorating. It is great to get instant feedback on our stories from the hyper-critical minds of our local bloggers including Dormitas, Centinel, Publius, Miss H, the Blathering Grrrly, and yes, even you, Aaron, when you’re not spouting about wrestling and fellatio. Keeps you on your toes as a reporter.

The Proc: How much Scotch does Frank Girardot drink before noon?

Fred: I’m not sure about Scotch, but I do know the answer to ‘How much Bourbon does Frank Girardot drink before noon: A LOT (see answer No. 10).

The Proc: Best Bruce Wayne. Keaton, West, Clooney, Kilmer, or Bale? (Sent in by BatmanFanColeman07, Altadena, CA)

Fred: Well I don’t think there is a single red-blooded American over age 30 who doesn’t have a soft spot for Adam West in their heart. But as for the new ones, I gotta go with Bale. I mean, who better than the actor who mastered the role of sadistic yuppie serial killer Patrick Bateman in “American Psycho” to really get into the mind of the most authentic Dark Knight character to hit the silver screen?

The Proc: If you could play Twister against any female PSN employee, which one would it be?

Fred: In the interest of avoiding a run-in with HR I will leave out current employees. As far as former Star-Newsers, I would have to say your girl Mary Frances — as long as she leaves the shank at home.

The Proc: Larry Wilson is my arch-nemesis but he’s your public editor. Does he edit the public? Isn’t that censorship?

Fred: Larry doesn’t edit the public because he doesn’t have to; he simply uses his writing prowess and considerable powers of persuasion to bend public opinion to mirror his own.

Fred (cont’d): And while we are on the topic, what is with the hostility toward Larry? In my experience, when someone elicits such a visceral reaction in another, it usually means that the latter either a) wants very badly to be like the former or b) wants to be WITH the former. So which is it, Aaron?

The Proc: Next time they ask you to do CityBeat on KPAS, you should call Ann Erdman a slut and throw a cup of ice water at the Mayor. You should also wear a tie with an American Flag on it. We could call you Wally Ortega. Highest rated episode ever.

Fred: Ummm, thanks for the suggestion, but no, I don’t think that will happen. However it does sound like prime material for an Aaron Proctor City Beat appearance.

The Proc: Do you know all the lyrics to “Waltzing Matilda“? No Wikipedia.

Fred: Sure. Waltzing Matilda, Waltzing Matilda, dum, dum, darum, dum, darum, dum darum. Duh dah dum dum darum, darararararararara dah dah dum Waltzing Matilda.

The Proc: The Philadelphia Eagles will finish 11-5 or 12-4 next year?

Fred: Sorry, buddy, but I ain’t an Eagles fan. I am gonna have to say they don’t break .500.

The Proc: What’s your favorite restaurant in walking distance to the Star-News?

Fred: That’s a toughie. But given the ham and egger reputation you’ve given me, I’m gonna have to say Pita Pita or Wolfe’s because they are the closest and take the least amount of effort to get to.

**
Wow, I’d totally give him some street cred and say Fred has some big balls. Too bad he’s a ham and egger who works at the Charmin Star-News.

Next week, we’ve got some pretty major Pasadena celebrities on deck.

Monday, I roll around with District 1 Councilmember Jacque Robinson.

On Tuesday - yes, this coming Tuesday, it’s none other than the man, the myth, the legend, the guy who whipped my ass in last year’s election: yes I’m being totally honest and serious: MAYOR BILL BOGAARD.

Have a safe and fun weekend.

Be seeing you,

Don’t forget to BUY STUFF FROM MY STORE.

- AP

First of all, congrats to my Philadelphia Flyers. I didn’t want to jinx them but they finally knocked the Washington Capitals out of the playoffs the other night and now are going to be headed to the Eastern Conference Semifinals against a tough Montreal Canadiens team.

So, first of all, fuck Canada. USA all the way. If you are cheering for Montreal against Philadelphia, the land where liberty was born, The Proc says you might just be on a terror watch list, eh? Ne’ermind that half the players on the Flyers are probably Canadian.

No Stanley Cup, No World Series Trophy, No NBA Title, No Super Bowl Ring (ever) - since 1983! Let’s Go Flyers! Clap, clap, clap-clap-clap. Let’s Go Flyers! Or - as at true Philadelphian like myself would say: Fuck em up Flyers, Fuck em up..clap-clap…
**

I was checking out the Quilted Northern Star-News this morning and I found this gem:

PASADENA - Complete with tiger-striped pedestrian crossings, date palms and edgy stainless-steel street furniture, the first phase of Arroyo Parkway’s $7.1 million modernist makeover should be finished next month.

But don’t expect to see any street lights on the city’s southern gateway anytime soon.

The 200 much-maligned high-tech lights - memorably described by Councilman Victor Gordo as looking like “big bug-zappers” - were removed by City Council vote from the original design chosen in a 2001 nationwide design competition. And no replacements will show up any time soon.

“We wanted to go with the bug-zappers, but it’s a clean slate now,” said Leon White, the project planner for the city, who said the electrical infrastructure is in place for any future substitutes - assuming everyone can agree on a lighting design next time around.

The futuristic design by landscape architect James Corner, the principal at Field Operations in New York and Philadelphia, was chosen for the project by a committee that included renowned architect Frank Gehry and Art Center College of Design President Richard Koshalek, and was funded by a $40,000 grant from the National Endowment for the Arts.

I was taking the 177 bus to work a lot until it just became unbearable to ride. Traffic is a halt on California Blvd. near the Arroyo Blvd. intersection. Taking the 181 has cut about 20 minutes off of my commute in the morning because of this annoying construction.

Your tax dollars at work, I guess. $7.1 million to fix up Arroyo Blvd., huh? Talk about a do-nothing City Council. What a huge fucking waste of time.

Why not take some of that money and build a community center in the Northwest? Then, when the community center is finished - put out a big sign in front that says “Free Guns and Drugs“. When people come inside, arrest them. There - gang violence and gang problems solved in one full swoop. Sock on gang members.
The $3 or 4 million you have left over could be used to buy out a person trying to open a strip club, building a golden statue of me next to those Jackie Robinson heads at City Hall, or buying a small minor league baseball team.

Also - Leon White is the planner of this project? You mean, this Leon White? It’s Vader time.

Well, at least the tiger-striped Ped Xing will make it more picturesque when I pass up the Arroyo Chop House, Dona Rosa, and other shitty restaurants on my way to buying a second bottle of wine for 5 cents at the BevMo. While supplies last.
**

Miss Havisham of Miss Havisham’s Tea Party

In today’s chapter of the Aaron Proctor Interview Series, The Proc takes a time out from interviewing local politicians and reporters. To the Most Electrifying Man in Pasadena, local bloggers are a big part of the City knitting in their own right.

After the success of her organized blogger picnic & snark, Miss Havisham has been the talk of the town. The Proc found her hanging out at Madeline’s where she had to shake the married guys off with a stick. She had a few minutes to answer some tough questions.

The Proc: Your interview with Bernard Melekian was the catalyst for the inception of the Aaron Proctor Interview Series. So, first, thank you. Second, how does that make you feel?

Miss Havisham: Happy and tingly all over– you’re so good at it [interviews]. A suggestion: add in the word “survey” to the title so I can take APISS.

The Proc: Noted.. What do you do for fun?

Miss H: I like to perch all of my empty wine bottles in the iron gates of Satis House and knock them off into the recycle bin with my crossbow. Mad for archery!

The Proc: How’d you come up with the name Miss Havisham?

Miss H: It was given to me by some 19th Century hack writer, mystic, flaneur.

The Proc: Remember that one time I had too much wine at the Satis House?

Miss H: How did that happen?

The Proc: What year is your VW Bug?

Miss H: A sweet ‘’77

The Proc: Steve Madison or a hole in the ground?

Miss H: Since I’m currently in a hole in the ground that only leaves one other thing.

The Proc: Better drummer: Ginger Baker or Roger Taylor (of Queen)?

Miss H: I’ll have to go with Roger Baker of Libido Magazine.

The Proc: What’s up with married guys always wanting a piece of Miss H.?

Miss H: Bitter rejection attracts bitter rejection.

The Proc: Remember Jim Lomako?

Miss H: Where is he now?

The Proc: You should make another “Leave Jacque Alone” video.

Miss H: It surprises me that there aren’t more “Leave Jacque Alone” videos.

The Proc: When’s the next picnic?

Miss H: Apparently, they are happening all over the world.

The Proc: Who would win in a fight between you and West Coast Grrlie Blather?

Miss H: Who do you think would win in a fight between Miss Havisham and West Coast Grrlie Blather? More wine! She really knows how to blog write. A skill that is different from other genres.

The Proc: I think Centinel is Marc Singer from “V”.

Miss H: He has a black belt in kung fu.

The Proc: Any more serious interviews lined up?

Miss H: Yes, I am planning a trip to London to interview Dame Edna.

Thanks, Miss Havisham. You’re always a barrel of fun!

I also think the next blogger get together should be an evening thing at a bar. I’d say the 1881 or the 35er, but to make it fair to those from Monrovia and beyond, maybe we could meet at the First Cabin in Arcadia. I’ve never been there myself but I’m intrigued by a bar which opens at 6 in the morning.

Tomorrow, I’ve got Fred Ortega (1x Ham & Egger Award Winner) and Monday, I’ve got District 1 Councilmember Jacque Robinson. Oh what fun!

Remember, tomorrow (and every Friday) is Hawaiian Shirt day:

Be seeing you,

- AP

In yesterday’s post, I talked a little bit about Joe Hopkins not taking too kindly to an article written by Jim Laris in the Pasadena Weekly.

Here are some other things that I found out also really piss off Joe Hopkins to the point of exclaiming “RACISM!”

TOP TEN OTHER PEOPLE & THINGS THAT JOE HOPKINS SAYS ARE RACIST

10.  Volkswagen Beetles
9.  The 99 Cents Store
8.  Head & Shoulders Shampoo In The 2 For 1 Pack
7.  The Arizona Diamondbacks
6.  Billy & Jimmy from “Double Dragon”
5.  Fozzy Bear from The Muppet Show
4.  When the wheel on “The Price Is Right” lands on 15 cents
3.  The change machine at the laundromat
2.  Scrunchies
1.  Apologizing

Speaking of Joe, I’m sure he’s 100% behind the whole Heritage Square drama with Danny Bakewell and others. There was a meeting last night of the Fair Oaks PAC and I assume that Heritage Square was brought up for the 90,000,000th time.

Danny Bakewell:  Every Councilmember’s Dream Come True

I understand wholeheartedly why people who live in that area definitely want something a little more than another tenement or another row of liquor stores.

I just don’t understand what all of the fuss about.  (Maybe it’s because I’m half-white, Joe Hopkins?)  If they build some new, non-Section 8 housing at that corner of Fair Oaks & Orange Grove - what’s going to happen?  Lollipops and candycanes are going to fall from the sky and nobody will shoot anybody any more?

I remember when I grew up in the Philadelphia area, particularly a city called Chester, Pennsylvania.  It’s a city that, until recently, has seen much economic decline and downturn.

People in the City always complained nobody wanted to build stuff there.  So, people would bitch that there wasn’t a decent supermarket.  The City would get someone to build a supermarket.  6 months later, everything would be torn up, there’d be fucking graffiti everywhere, and the supermarket would be boarded up.

What did the City do?  Stopped listening and stopped building stuff.  When the next generation of kids came by, they seemed to have a little bit more appreciation for people wanting to help their neighborhood out.  Not much more - but enough to get a Harrah’s Casino & Racetrack, driving people (and $$$) in from other cities who dared not cross into the City before.

But what do I know, right Hopkins and Bakewell? I only lived in a blighted area for many years growing up and know what it’s like to want nice things for where you live.  But it doesn’t count because you two see me as a white guy.  (Hopkins still never returned my e-mail when I corrected him when he listed in his paper the people who were running for office of African American descent and didn’t put my name on the list).

This is what I’m trying to say in this diatribe:  yes, whites have been total dicks to blacks in the past.  That totally sucks.  That also just doesn’t mean that every white person who criticizes Joe Hopkins or Danny Bakewell or Heritage Square supporters is a racist.   It also means that if I say Heritage Square is a pipe dream, I’m not a racist, either.

People in this City are too uncomfortable when it comes to a discussion of race and race-related issues.  Either that, or they pretend like they know everything about someone - especially when they aren’t that race.

**

Jane Rodriguez, City Clerk

On a happier note, the Aaron Proctor Interview Series rolls on.

Today, I finally got to talk to someone I’ve been dying to talk to - City Clerk Jane Rodriguez.  Jane’s one of those people that’s a total enigma for some of us.  We often think she’s just the lady who takes roll call at the City Council meetings and keeps general order in the dais.  Well, she’s much, much, much more - and very attractive to boot.

Jane agreed to an interview with The Proc on the condition that The Most Electrifying Man In Pasadena kept his eyes on her face and sat 15 feet across the room from her.  The Proc says he reluctantly agreed.

The Proc:  What’s the City Clerk do?

Jane Rodriguez:  I spend most of my time trying to look absolutely fascinated by deliberations during Council meetings.  The rest of the time I’m in my office, hiding under my desk to avoid anybody who might walk in with public records requests.

The Proc:  Which “Law & Order” is the best “Law & Order”?  You kinda look like the chick who is the prosecutor on SVU.

JR:  Definitely SVU, although I’m much more like that cop chick who’s so caring and compassionate.

The Proc:  How come nobody can go all the way to the top of City Hall?  Is there a bar up there for you guys?

JR:  People have only gone all the way AT the top of City Hall.  Noontime dalliances are among my favorite “meetings.”

The Proc:  Can I call you “J-Rod”?

JR:  How dare you.  I am hardly an extraterrestrial biological entity.  You may call me Jane.  I shall call you Tarzan if that’s OK with you.

The Proc:  When City Council meetings were held at the Senior Center, did the Council bother the Seniors who were trying to watch “Wheel of Fortune“?

JR:  I was too busy looking fascinated to notice.

The Proc:  Do blondes have more fun?

JR:  Ask Stephanie DeWolfe.

The Proc:  Who has the highest score on Free Cell during Council meetings?  Sid Tyler or Steve Madison?

JR:  Actually, Danny the sound guy is the Free Cell master.  The game is entirely too complicated for Messrs. Tyler and Madison.

The Proc:  Want to go on a date?

JR:  Sure.  Who did you have in mind for me?

The Proc:  Why does Steve Haderlein say “In Favor” or “Present” instead of “Yes” or “Here”?

JR:  Because he’s the last of red hot rebels.

The Proc:  Almond Joy or Mounds?

JR:  Zagnuts for reasons I will take to my grave.

The Proc:  Can I borrow your stapler?

JR:  Don’t talk dirty to me, buddy. We haven’t been properly introduced.

The Proc:  When is the “Ladies Of City Council” calendar coming out?

JR:  When pigs fly.   You’ll be the first to know if that  happens.  If all else fails, the men will do it in drag.

The Proc:  If I went up to Public Comment and just rapped the “Fresh Prince of Bel Air” theme, would I get in trouble?

JR:  You have a Constitutional right to spend your three minutes in any stupid or childish way you choose, providing you don’t use profanity or slander anyone.   The late, great Roy Begley was the king of poetic and musical public comment.

The Proc:  True or false:  The book you use to swear people in isn’t the Bible, it’s “Who Moved My Cheese?”

JR:  Actually, for purely sentimental reasons, it’s Issac Richard’s old copy of “War and Peace.”

What a rockin’ interview.  Thanks, Jane.  Now I have to figure out where to take her out on a date!  I was thinking maybe a nice restaurant that is moderately priced and has great food, great milkshakes, and a great atmosphere.  I wonder which place in Pasadena that could be?

Stay tuned tomorrow.  It’s either Miss Havisham or Jacque Robinson in the hot seat - with the emphasis on hot.

Fred Ortega - I’m still waiting on your answers, ham and egger.

We walk on without a ride,

- AP

So Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and John McCain all showed up on last night’s episode of WWE Raw in separate, taped messages to get people out to vote for them in today’s Pennsylvania Primary (well, Obama & Clinton) and to “Smackdown Their Vote” (McCain).

I was totally fine with the idea. As a wrestling fan as well as a former participant in the industry, I know that a lot of wrestling fans aren’t the brightest or most politically active people in the world. So, getting those extra 4 or 5 people out there in Pennsylvania who actually vote and watch wrestling regularly was pretty important since Pennsylvania’s allegedly going to be a pretty close race.

I’ll have to say that all three promos (which you can watch here for now) seemed very forced. All three candidates used the same catchphrases from The Rock. At least my main man McCain channeled Hulk Hogan and “Stone Cold” Steve Austin.

The thing that really pissed me off, though, was that after all three candidates urged fans to participate and/or vote for them, the WWE had a match between a fake Hillary Clinton and a fake Barack Obama. I mean - what the fuck? Vince McMahon just encouraged people to go out and vote and now is going to totally turn on-the-fence-voters off from voting.  They should have had John McCain help out Cryme Tyme.
Hey - I’m all for political satire, you know that, I know that. To basically use the promos from all 3 real candidates to set up a fake match where the ending has a guy called the Samoan Bulldozer pummeling both Democratic candidates (which was hilarious but pointless at the same time) doesn’t really make a lot of sense to me.

Then again, these are the same eleventeens and social rejects who enjoy things like Hello Kitty vs Kuromi - where Hello Kitty is a DUDE. (Yes, this actually happened at a small, independent, regional wrestling show)

If anything good comes out of this, it’s that we might see other politicians “get into the ring”. Maybe even locally? That’s why I’m issuing a challenge right now. No disqualification, no count out, falls count anywhere match. Me vs. Steve Madison. Hair vs. hair match. Bring it on.

**

Joe Hopkins. The Reason Blogs Were Created.

Speaking of two people who want to layeth the smacketh down, did you see Joe Hopkins’ response to Jim Laris’ article in the Pasadena Weekly two weeks ago? Of course you didn’t.

Hopkins rips into Laris for knocking Barack’s buddy, Reverend Wright. Yes, because anyone who doesn’t agree with Joe Hopkins is a racist hellbent on destroying the African American race. Just like anyone who doesn’t agree with me is an idiot or anyone who doesn’t agree with Rosie O’Donnell hates gays, right?

Wrong. Hopkins may have said that “Reverend Wright Doesn’t Hate America. He Just Loves The Truth”. Well, if you look at Joe’s recent article, Joe Hopkins doesn’t hate America, either. He just hates punctuation. And grammar. And common sense. And sanity.

Laris was just talking about how if when Barack loses November’s election, it’s not going to be because he’s black. Joe, you have a rep in this town for laying the racial smackdown (like when you called Jim “Massa Laris” (q.v.) in this article you just wrote) but not being able to take the heat when someone does it back to you or criticizes you.
Good thing only 5 or 6 people read Joe’s paper - else I’d consider him a serious threat to poisoning the minds of Pasadena and surrounding areas.

Hopkins and Laris probably have more in common than you think. They’re pretty grizzled old guys. They should just go out for a beer or go down to the strip club and forget about everything. Maybe Hopkins could take Laris’ picture riding one of the camels in front of Hopkins Village?

Or - there’s always the undercard to me vs. Steve Madison.

**

What’s an entry full of pro-wrestling rants without a little trip into the Aaron Proctor Interview Series? The Proc found himself surrounded by street toughs in an alley the other night. All of the sudden, a caped crusader came by and kicked the shit out of all of them. Before planting a yard sign in one of the hooligan’s backs, she turned to The Most Electrifying Man In Pasadena and it was none other than District 2 City Council “Iron Woman”, Margaret McAustin.

After saving The Proc’s life, she also agreed to answer some of my questions before she had to be off to help out the “Green Lantern” Victor Gordo find a burrito.

The Proc: Have you seen my City Council Drinking Game? Should TV viewers take a shot whenever you bring up something and Gordo, for some reason, shoots it down?

Margaret McAustin: There should be a penalty for excessive use of the Y chromosome.

The Proc: Don’t you just want to whistle the “Matlock” theme whenever Bill Bogaard walks in to Council Chambers?

MM: You might be on to something there…Top Ten theme songs for Councilmembers?

The Proc: When you run or jump do people hear that Six Million Dollar Man noise?

MM: Steve Austin….Margaret McAustin…Coincidence???? I think not.

The Proc: What’s the best massage parlor in District 2?

MM: So many to choose from! Difficult to decide, so I sent my Massage Commissioner out to make some site visits. Have not heard from my husband in 6 weeks.

The Proc: True or false: A lingerie pillow fight between you, Jacque Robinson, and Jane Rodriguez would be the most watched City Council meeting…ever.

MM: False. Public Access, Aaron, not PayPerView.

The Proc: You weren’t really a big fan of Barney Melekian becoming City Manager. Now that he’s not applying for the permanent job, do you think we could get Robocop?

MM: I’m holding out for Wonder Woman. And Aaron, even I know you think she’s hot.

The Proc: Can we send Steve Madison to the moon (and keep him there)?

MM: Isn’t he a former Galactic Prosecutor?

The Proc: When you ran for office last year, one of your opponents was Stacy Lewis. One of his catchphrases was “Smart Growth, Safe Streets, Smart Schools.” Does this prove alliteration does not equal votes?

MM: Sertainly.

The Proc: Let’s go to the 1881. I’ll buy you a beer.

MM: 1881…Isn’t that the year John McCain was born? Beer me.

The Proc: How’s this sound for your biography? “Dial M For McAustin”?

MM: But not at 3:00am.

The Proc: You used to pick me up at the bus stop sometimes. What’s it like having Aaron Proctor in your car? (Besides the leftover armora of Axe body spray & cigarette smoke?)

MM: It’s awesome. You and Sid Tyler are my favorite Republicans. I’ll always treasure the 15 minutes or so when we were BFFs.

Dear Margaret, it’s me, Aaron Proctor. Thanks for answering my questions.

You’ll never know who is going to show up next. It might even be Fred Ortega - if he stops being a ham and egger and starts answering my questions.

Have a great Tuesday.

Oh - and why do we have this commission? Here’s the status of women: they’re awesome. I’d like to find out some women’s “status” here in the Crown City. Appoint me!

- AP

The Bloggers Got Together This Weekend. Courtesy, Pasadena Daily Photo.  Apparently, I think I’m Hulk Hogan.

Saturday was the semi-monthly-annual-whatever Pasadena/Altadena/Foothill Cities/Surrounding Area Bloggers picnic/get together.  Mad props to Miss Havisham for putting it all together.
It was really fun for The Proc to meet some of his partners in crime. We don’t get to always see each other that much - so it’s cool to catch up with some people. Especially the ones who brought beer to the picnic

According to Caltechgirl, here’s the bloggers who showed up:

Miss Havisham
Aaron Proctor
Altadenablog
Palm Axis
The Real Zajac
Frazgo
KChristieH
Pasadena Daily Photo
Eye Level Pasadena
LA Times Pressmens 20 year club
Up 2 Date - Pasadena’s Real Estate Blog
Mickie’s Zoo
West Coast Grrlie Blather

Monrovia commenter Robert Parry was also there. Nice guy with a great sense of humor.

A lot of people didn’t know it, but Centinel was there, too. Fucking sneaky bastard. Look at the guy holding the binoculars in this picture I took of Ed Padgett:

See Centinel in the back right? That’s probably Publius on the bike.

I was also very happy to see Jill and Gavin, from Eye Level Pasadena among other blogs. I haven’t heard from them in a while and glad to see them in good spirits.

AP & Gavin of Eye Level Pasadena

I also finally, FINALLY got to meet The Real Zajac. I’ve met the fake one before and he was kind of a dick. The Real one is much nicer and funnier to be around. He also has an excellent taste in classical music.

Aaron & The Real Zajac (Like Lars & The Real Girl)

Bonus: Here’s a video clip of Zajac discussing his favorite blog in the entire world.

The coolest thing about the bloggers getting together is that you get to learn stuff. Like - you learn what some people do for a living because they’re smart and don’t want to mention their workplace online. Or you learn that so-and-so has a kid. Maybe you even learn useful blogging tips like how to fix your spam filter or spacing on your webpage.

The biggest lesson I learned most at this picnic was that it’s hard out there for a former Mayoral candidate. The blogging ladies just can’t get enough of The Proc. See?

The Proc and WCGB (left), Jill from Eye Level (right)

The Proc & WCGB & Jill again

WCGB represents Gordo with the Bulldogs hoodie while The Proc represents the best restaurant in the world

The Proc & Miss Havisham (w/ Kurt Vonnegut)

Blogging royalty.  The King of the Blogosphere and the Queen of the Doo Dah Parade.

I had a great time and I can’t wait for the next blogging get together.  I suggested we take our show on the road.  Maybe “Bloggers Picnic:  Las Vegas” or “Bloggers Picnic:  Laughlin” or somethin’.

If you missed out, we definitely missed you.  We’ll have another one someday, I’m sure.  Here’s some things you may regret missing:

TOP TEN THINGS YOU MISSED AT SATURDAY’S BLOGGER GET TOGETHER

10.  KChristeH dropping the f-bomb profusely
9.   Steve Haderlein dropped by, since the park was in his district, and did a striptease
8.   Frazgo wrestling Virgina Hoge in Jell-o
7.   Me & Ed Padgett singing “I Want To Know What Love Is”
6.   Altadenablog admitting nothing happens in Altadena
5.   Up 2 Date Getting Foreclosed By Washington Mutual On The Spot
4.  Miss Havisham’s Special Tea Party
3.  Centinel was the homeless guy roaming the park
2.  West Coast Grrlie Blather defeating Palm Axis in Quarters.
1.  While the police officer watched us from the other side of the park, 3 liquor stores were robbed.
Well, that’s all from here today.  Have a happy Monday and I’ll be seeing you.

My ice cream needs ‘oomph’, and Bill Bogaard sez:

- AP

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