The Proc’s refrigerator doesn’t say anything this morning because the mailbox has the floor.

All right, all right, who’s the anonymous joker?

Someone sent me a picture of cupcakes in the mail (I know, I know, you can barely see it) - with no return address. It had me dying laughing when I opened the envelope.

I’m assuming it’s Larry Wilson because of all of the glitter and frilly borders. But it could be other Ham-And-Egger Award winners Frank Girardot or Fred Ortega. Why? Because this was not only sent to me by mail, it was sent to my place of employment - something I don’t advertise on my website but is known in a few certain circles. :-)

Good job, though, guys - it’s hanging on my wall now. Everyone at work thinks I have a secret admirer. :-)

**

Aaron Proctor: Pasadena Dignitary, Paragon of Virtue, and Role Model To Children Everywhere

Not only do I embody the heart, soul, and minds of Pasadenans - I’ve also been quite the print superstar this week.

I had a quote in the Pasadena Star-News on Tuesday.

I had a letter printed in the San Diego City Beat.

AND I have my first ever article as a “reporter” printed in this week’s Pasadena Weekly.

What’s next for The Most Electrifying Man in Pasadena? I should be hearing from US News & World Report and The Daily Show any time. :-)

**

Bike Week Pasadena starts on May 12th. Get out those Livestrong bracelets and tight lycra pants, boys.

Unfortunately for the bikers, there were a lot more events planned for Bike Week that just didn’t make a cut. Luckily, I was resourceful enough to provide you “bikers” (but not the cool, tough, All-American motorcycle kind) with a list of what you could have been doing:

TOP TEN BIKE WEEK PASADENA EVENTS THAT DIDN’T MAKE THE CUT

10. Larry Wilson’s “Race For The Bore”
9. Bike Jousting
8. The Orange Grove Liquor Stores’ Drunken Peloton
7. Bike & Smoke Through The Paseo
6. Joe Piasecki’s Bleeding Heart Liberal 5k Race
5. Jumping Bikes Off Of Suicide Bridge
4. Race Your Bike Against Madison’s Maserati
3. Ann Erdman On A Unicycle
2. Female Topless Biking On Lambert Avenue
1. “Push People Off Of Segeways” Contest
**

The Aaron Proctor Interview Series is in full-swing. The Proc got down to the center of the anti-smoking controversy rocking Pasadena by getting an exclusive interview with Dr. Takashi Wada. (1x Ham And Egger Award Winner!)

Dr. Wada is the Director of the Pasadena Public Health Department and Pasadena’s Public Health Officer. Let’s see if he can go one on one with the Great One.

Dr. Takashi Wada: Mr. Proctor (Most Electrifying Man in Pasadena),

Thank you again for considering me for your interview series, especially given the VIP list of prior interviewees (Jesus, CM Melekian, your mother, etc.) It was good seeing and hearing you at the city council meeting when you spoke about our proposed smoking regulations. The opposition had some solid points and I agree that there are other vitally important issues affecting our community, but I do believe that the council made the right decision and I feel that Pasadena will be healthier for it.

For that, I guess I get the Ham and Egger Award and some vitriol directed my way.

The Proc: You’re the Director of the Pasadena Public Health Department AND Pasadena’s Public Health Officer. Why are you hogging all of the jobs that nobody else wants?

Dr. Takashi Wada: It’s a great department with dedicated staff and programs that make Pasadena a healthier place. Plus, as Health Officer, I get to carry a badge and bust crooked doctors and quarantine people. It also looks good on my resume, right after my other high profile past jobs - dishwasher, bartender, shirt folder for a clothing store, and assistant editor at MTV.

The Proc: If Clearman’s North Woods Inn were in Pasadena, would they get an F because they let you throw the peanuts on the floor?

TW: Peanuts on the floor are OK, but elephants or monkeys eating the peanuts off the floor inside the restaurant would not be viewed favorably.

The Proc: I really think you should check out the bologna and the hot dogs at the 99 Cents Store next to PCC.

TW: Thanks for the advice. I’ll be requesting them to cater our next health department event. Aside from being real tasty, you can use the left over hot dogs as lawn darts and the bologna as Frisbees.

The Proc: Can you give Robin’s Wood Fire BBQ & Grill an A+? I’ll give you a dollar.

TW: I can’t take your dollar or give them an A +. However, if they named something after me - say the “WadaSpecial” which would be a WadaBurger, some WadaCarrot Sticks, and a tall glass o’ Wada with a slice of lemon…. I may reconsider. After all, didn’t they name some patty melt after you?

(The Proc’s Note: Yes, yes they did.)

The Proc: Speaking of which, when you were a kid and your mom made you Brussel sprouts, did you pull out one of those placards that say “C” on them?

TW: I love Brussel sprouts, broccoli, granola, spinach, etc. Haven’t you already labeled me as one of those leftist type bozos that you always ridicule in your blog?

The Proc: Why don’t we have a Wendy’s in Pasadena? Nobody will answer this for me.

TW: Who needs a Wendy’s when you can have a 99 cent store hot dog?

The Proc: I heard a rumor that you once went down to Central America and beat the crap out of some rebel forces. Did they loosely base the “Delta Force” movies on you?

TW: The rumor is false. I was not in Central America beating the crap out of some rebel forces … I was WITH the rebel forces! Remember, I’m a supposed Che Guevarra styled leftist bozo.

The Proc: I think you should have a sitcom. We could call it “A Lotta Wada”.

TW: I would prefer “A WholeLottaWada”.

The Proc: Why is the 35er called a dive bar when a Guinness is $6 there? If you want to see a real dive bar, go to R Place or the 1881.

TW: Good choices. What about the ‘Rado or is that getting too hip these days? I used to frequent Al’s Bar in Downtown LA, cuz I like some live music with my dive bar. By the way, everyone tells me that you’re some Goth, but then I read somewhere that you sometimes have Depeche Mode paraphernalia on your clothes. What’s with that?

(The Proc’s Note: Not a Goth kid anymore. What in the fuck am I going to have to do to distance myself from that dirty four-letter word?)

The Proc: How many restaurants are PW reporter Carl Kozlowski banned from?

TW: Who is Carl Kozlowski? Should I be afraid?

The Proc: I think you should have a big burly guy named Guido in restaurant bathrooms. When an employee comes in and doesn’t wash his hands, Guido will club him with a slapjack.

TW: Can he also be responsible for keeping the smokers in line?

The Proc: If that homeless guy on Fair Oaks & Colorado with the cat went into Aux Delices, would it get shut down immediately?

TW: Is it a seeing eye cat?

The Proc: Don’t you hate when you go to a restaurant and it’s closed on a Monday?

TW: Drives me crazy, but you can always get a good meal at the 99 cent store and it’s open every day.

The Proc: Is it a health code violation when Steve Madison wears lavender ties?

TW: Depends on his shirt and suit. If the color contrast causes viewers to have seizures, I may have to step in.

The Proc: Who would win in a fight between Dr. Kildare and Dr. Marcus Welby?

TW: They would both be pretty old by now. Are they allowed to use their dentures to bite each other or is that fighting dirty? In my opinion, the baddest doctor dude is Dr. Zhivago - he could wrestle a bear. Dr. Seuss is pretty cool too.

The Proc: How long before we start labeling people “walking health code violations”?

TW: It’s just a matter of time until we start quarantining people for being too healthy.

The Proc: I bought this new stuff called Soylent Green. Is it safe to eat?

TW: Absolutely - it’s all natural and organic - where did you get it, Whole Foods?

The Proc: What’s the sickest thing you’ve ever seen during your inspections?

TW: Trust me, you do not want to know the details, but it involved a small furry animal, a bit of excrement, a blender, and some chocolate. (This was not in Pasadena.)

The Proc: Ever get those mini Krackel bars around Halloween? Delicious.

TW: Good choice, but my favorite has always been the Bottle Caps. A lady down the street used to give out fruit, which always upset me. Now that I work for the health department, she doesn’t seem so crazy.

The Proc: I’m going to get this Subway commercial song stuck in your head: “Five. Five Dollar. Five Dollar Footlongs.”

TW: Too late, it is already stuck in my head. You have no idea how many Subway sandwiches I’ve eaten from the store down on Fair Oaks and Orange Grove.

The Proc: Run me through a typical work day of yours.

TW: The beauty of my job is that every day is different. I deal with staff and budget issues within the department, occasionally get to play a real doctor and see patients in one of our clinics, investigate outbreaks of lice or tuberculosis in a school, speak to community groups about their health concerns, get a briefing from the FBI about some bioterrorist threat, write grants for new programs addressing nutrition or access to health care, field complaints about barking dogs, get interviewed by the LA Times about vaccination rates, and once in a while, I have the pleasure of interacting with characters that make the world interesting, like The Most Electrifying Man in Pasadena. It’s a great job and pays the bills, I can’t complain.

**

We need more good sports like him in Pasadena.

Have a great weekend.  Enjoy some brand new Sid Tyler Facts over on Dormitas’ blog!
I’m Audi 5000,

- AP