The June 3rd election is quickly approaching and it’s about time The Most Electrifying Man In Pasadena gave his choices.

44th Assembly District

Here’s Anthony Portantino Telling Someone To “Go Get His Fucking Shinebox”

Here in the 44th Assembly District - or the “Foety-Foe” as we call it on the streets - there’s quite a stranglehold held on us by one Anthony “Fat Tony” Portantino. So much that even his Wikipedia article was hacked the other day. I’m sure that person will be wearing cement shoes quite soon. Anthony wouldn’t even give me my cut of the Lufthansa heist. By the way, Tony, I want 5 on Dartmouth.

Anthony might be from Long Branch, New Jersey and work in “waste management” but that doesn’t stop his bright-eyed and bushy-tailed challenger, one Brian Fuller.

Brian’s a Republican, he has youth (the kids seem to like that even though they forget to go out and vote), deep local roots, and a whole lot of common sense.

Straight from the elephant’s mouth when asked what his campaign is about:

It is about quality of life and how we can improve it: budget (education is in the mix as budget talks run into that big elephant in the room), freeways, gerrymandering and illegal immigration. As I am not flush with cash nor have the favorable demographics, I have to conduct a campaign that chooses its moves judiciously (thank you gerrymandering!).

Sounds good enough to me. I’ll be voting for the underdog, Brian Fuller, on June 3rd.

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29th Congressional District

Not that Adam Schiff…

Welcome to the Two-Nine. Man, does it suck to have Adam Schiff as your Congressman. I mean, the only thing cool about the dude is that he shares the same name as a character on Law & Order from back in the day. Not only does the guy personify the term “limousine-liberal”, he’s made acting like a dick “cool” for the people who work below him, namely Pasadena City Council Members.

Adam Schiff has never once - once - returned a phone call to me - either as a plain old constituent of his OR a politician. Schiff’s a pretty unreliable dude and sources tell me he’s dumber than a bag of nails. Plus he’s got every single Democrat politican and Democrat newspaper on his jock.

What the PSN won’t really tell you, though, is that Adam actually has an opponent in June. His name is Charles Hahn. He’d like to be your Congressman in the 29th. I had the pleasure of meeting Charles at the last PRC dinner. Very nice guy.

Dude wants to get rid of inheritance taxes, stop runaway production in the movie industry (”Take that shit back to Hollywood!” as one of my District 1 friends says quite often), and lower health care costs. Fine and dandy. This is what really caught my eye, though, from his bio page:

Age 38

Cool: youth. I like that.

Married to Dr. Heidi Park, DDS for 6 years

Maybe if he gets elected, he can help fix my teeth?

Daughter, Nicole Hahn, 3 years old, who likes ballet and tap dancing

That’s cool.

Graduated UCLA, with a degree in Spanish Literature

I’m a USC fan, but that’s ok..nobody’s perfect.

Black Belts in Judo, Jiu Jit-Tsu, and Tae Kwon Do

Ok..ok…this is my 2nd favorite thing on the guy’s bio. Hahn vs. Sid Tyler - oh my god, imagine the possibilities.

Fluent in Four Languages

That’ll help out a lot, actually.

Self Employed Financial Advisor

I like the fact he’s not a former Federal Prosecutor.

Favorite Food: Cheese Burgers!

YES! There it is. Dude likes cheeseburgers. How can you NOT vote for him!?

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Props 98 & 99

According to Joe Piasecki’s bleeding heart wussy Liberal article in the Pasadena Weekly, voting “Yes” on Proposition 98 would be like making out with Satan himself. Here’s the truth about Prop 98, though, that you won’t hear from the liberal media in Pasadena:

  • First of all, none of us will ever have to hear that disgusting phrase “rent control” ever again. I mean, I was a staunch supporter of rent control before I got the real facts. Rent control ruins communities and would ruin Pasadena. Socialist Sacramento won’t be able to tell property owners what price they can sell or rent their properties.
  • If you own a home, the People’s Republic of Pasadena just can’t take it from you and decide to build a “Urban Shopping Center” which will be torn up in a year and filled with graffiti and drugs.
  • The government can’t take residential property and simply turn it into “government housing”.

So, I’m voting Yes on Prop 98 and No on Prop 99. If you believe in free enterprise and believe in America and don’t want neighborhoods destroyed by that ugly “rent control” word, I urge you to do the same. I also find it funny how the people telling me to vote “No” on Prop 98 are the people who laughed at me when I brought up “rent control” during my campaign. Just goes to show you who the hypocrites are in Pasadena. *coughs*Democrats*Coughs*.
For more on Prop 98, please visit this link.

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Yes, gentlemen, this chick is a reporter. Very hot but the PSN’s dress code comes into question.

The Aaron Proctor Interview Series continues today with a most interesting guest. The Proc met up with Pasadena Star-News “Adventure Girl” reporter Michelle Mills (better known as last year’s Queen of the Doo Dah parade) and had a few drinks, all the while asking her a lot of very important questions.
The Proc: Which is more dangerous? Jumping out of an airplane or eating at the Hometown Buffet on Rosemead?

Michelle Mills: I’d rather take my chances jumping out of an airplane- that goes double if the pilot is cute!

The Proc: Sneak into Frank Girardot’s desk and get me a burbon on the rocks.

MM: No can do. Frank’s a Jack Daniels man - Gentleman Jack, that is - a real man’s drink. If that doesn’t make you happy, I might still have some tequila left in the flask I hide in my cleavage.

The Proc: After becoming Queen of the Doo Dah parade, do you have bigger aspirations? Rose Parade Grand Marshal? Balloon of yourself in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade? Guest star on “Law & Order: SVU”?

MM: Is there anything bigger than being the Queen of the 31st Occasional Doo Dah Parade? Perhaps touring as the lead vocalist of hard rock/heavy metal band or riding my ‘65 Triumph Daytona Special chopper wherever the road calls or perhaps dancing with my swords on “Monster Garage“? Oh yeah… I’ve done that..

The Proc: Why is Brendan Fraser usually in the absolute worst films?!

MM: Hmmmm… that’s a good question, as I don’t recall seeing him on the set when I worked the Troma film, “Free Ride.” It was a motorcyle beach vampire flick and I was the only one of the cast who survives. It was so bad that you can’t even find it in the 99-cent bin at the video store.

The Proc: Which of my follow pick-up lines will work on you? First one is: “Nice tiara. Wanna fuck?”

MM: Not so much…. but at least you’re somewhat honest and I do like that in a guy, although that “Electrifying” thing is sorta scary. Can I bring my whip?

The Proc: How about “Want to grab a late edition of the Saturday Evening Post?”

MM: What are you? Some old pervert in a knit sweater and red sneakers?

The Proc: What are some of your favorite TV shows?

MM: I’m not big on TV - there’s so many other better things to do - but I admit that I’m partial to “Jeopardy” and I have to watch “NCIS” because my mother calls me to talk about it. She says, “You know, the guy with the pretty eyes, well he… ” and if I miss the show I don’t know who the heck she’s talking about! “Family Guy” is pretty fun too. Oooo! and “Numb3rs” because it’s filmed at Caltech!

The Proc: You should do a new column called “Less Than Adventure Girl”. You can do things like stand on your head for 20 seconds, cut out coupons, and go to the DMV and then tell us all about it.

MM: I’ll share your suggestion with my editor when I take a break from diving with sharks, driving race cars and hanging with rock stars.

The Proc: Is Councilman Steve Madison smarter than a fifth grader?

MM: His diploma says so, but I’ll do the math if we ever split the bill for lunch.

The Proc: As Queen of the Doo Dah Parade, can you declare war on South Pasadena? I mean, any place that has a Pavilion’s and a Von’s right next to each other is totally fucked in the head.

MM: South Pasadena is already akin to a war zone with it’s poorly maintained roads and lack of streetlights. I’d rather give the town what it really needs- a big hug and some new asphalt.

The Proc: Where have all the cowboys gone?

MM: They’re up on their fences. (I heard that from the Eagles).

The Proc: Do all the ladies at the PSN miss Todd Ruiz?

MM: Oh yes, Aaron, they just sit at their desks glumly pining away for him all day… sigh….

The Proc: Is (PSN reporter) Jeanette Williams really Diana Rigg?

MM: It’s quite possible. I have spotted a pair of white platform boots under her desk.

The Proc: I’ve asked this to people before. Give me two true facts and one fake fact about yourself. Not in that order, either.

MM: I drank the entire Mt. San Antonio College Flying Team under the table. I was 86′d from the 35er for three months. I sang a duet of “Green Manalishi” with Rob Halford of Judas Priest.

The Proc: Am I wrong for wanting to punch mimes in the face?

MM: No, mimes and clowns scare me too. But snakes are cool.

The Proc: You know how that new business that sells office furniture just opened across the street from the PSN? Doesn’t that store need a more creative name than “Office Furniture”?

MM: At least you know what they sell. Crate and Barrel is very misleading….

The Proc: Speaking of things around the PSN, you know the talking walk signals at Lake & Colorado? Wouldn’t they be way funnier if they were in Huell Howser’s voice?

MM: Even better if they were in Darth Vader’s voice!

The Proc: This question was a derogatory question about Larry Wilson and has been removed.

MM: Thank you. Larry’s a pretty cool guy and I like working with him.

The Proc: Who would win in a fight between the lead singer of Cinderella and the lead singer of Night Ranger?

MM: Let’s see, Cinderella hails from Philly, while Night Ranger came from San Francisco… My bet is gonna go on Motley Crue.

The Proc: Do you feel discriminated against when people ask if blondes or brunettes have more fun?

MM: Heck no~ everyone knows redheads rock!

The Proc: Remember when kids used to have to make dioramas for book reports in grade school? I miss making those.

MM: Oooo, I loved making those too, especially for my dead Japanese beetle, butterfly and dragonfly collection.

The Proc: What do you think of the blogosphere?

MM: Why? What are the bloggers saying about me?

The Proc: Ever hear that local Goth band Demonika & The Darklings? Aren’t they pretty terrible?

MM: I don’t care for their sound, but I have to admire their tenacity and ability to always have a gig somewhere.

The Proc: Follow-up question: Isn’t every Goth band (post 1987) pretty terrible?

MM: Most are too commercial for my taste, but I am a fan of Cradle of Filth and Lacuna Coil.

The Proc: Board games. “Trouble” or “Sorry”?

MM: “Battleship.”

The Proc: Remember the days before cell phones when people actually had to memorize or write down phone numbers?

MM: Omigawd, you mean I can stop carrying that address book in my purse?!

The Proc: What’s the best blog in Pasadena run by a former Mayoral candidate whose initials are A.P.?

MM: Hmmm… Could it be “The Adventures of Aaron Proctor”?

MM (cont’d): Thank you for inviting me for an interview. It is a pleasure and an honor to be included in your series. And super thanks for not stiffing me with the tab from our more-than-three-martini lunch!

Your readers are invited to learn more about me at www.insidesocal.com/doodah and Mickie’s Zoo. They can read my journalistic efforts at www.sgvn.com and www.dabelly.com. And lastly, learn where I’m dancing next at www.almasearabesque.com.

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Hey, as much bad as I say about the PSN (and I say a LOT of bad things about the PSN), at least they have some cool people over there. Except Fred Ortega. He’s a ham and egger.

Tomorrow: Robert Parry joins the Series. Robert keeps the politicos in line over in Monrovia - so I don’t have to.

Any time the City Council gladhands PUSD, take a shot. You’ll be drunk tonight.

Happy Monday,

- AP