The Ten People Ruining Pasadena list continues today with #6 and it’s something good (in a manner of speaking):

#6: Hipster Dudes & Paris Hilton Sunglasses Chicks

Now, a lot of you are going to say “Proc, Most Electrifying Man In Pasadena, how are hipster dudes and chicks in Paris Hilton sunglasses ruining Pasadena?” Well, shut the fuck up and I’ll tell you how.

First of all, let me clarify what I mean by hipster dudes since Google Images didn’t serve me too well this morning. Ever see those guys that wear professor-style sport coats with a Che Guevara t-shirts (something that even Che’s kids don’t even like you doing), jeans, and sneakers. Maybe they finish it all off with a wool cap when it’s 95 degrees outside? Yeah, those dudes.

And, I’m pretty sure you’ve all seen the Hilton-a-likes walking around the Paseo, talking on their cell phones, they don’t really need an explanation.

Well, they’re ruining Pasadena. A lot of them are hipsters and Hiltonites from other cities that come into our town and ruin the definition of things. What I mean by that is as follows - everyone in this City worships The 35er as “the” dive bar in the City. I don’t care what you have to say, it’s not a dive bar when I have to pay $6-8 for a beer and there’s a DJ “downstairs in the basement”. Fuck that noise. There are only a couple of actual dive bars in Pasadena - The 1881, R Place, and The Colorado. With the smoking ban coming up soon, I’m sure those places won’t last long and will be walking around with targets on their chests.

Actual bar, pictured above

The correlation I’m trying to make is that we have these hipsters and trendy bitches that come in here and take away any balls Pasadena used to have. Did you know how hard it was to find an actual bar in Pasadena when I first moved here? All it was were wine bars and lounges and overpriced trendy shit. No, I don’t want sushi with my vodka tonic - can’t I just smoke a cigarette and watch drag racing?

It’s people like I described above who think “Sideways” is the funniest and most worthwhile film ever and that it’s exactly like their life, that Bob Marley is one of the greatest musicians of all time although they only listen to “No Woman No Cry” on repeat, and that “So You Think You Can Dance” is quality television programming - that are ruining Pasadena for a decent, All-American guy like myself.

You are NOT this man, son.

So, the next time you’re at the `81..or The Colorado..or R Place..(but not the Rancho in Altadena, cause that’s turning into hipster central) and you see one of these types, kindly (but not so kindly) show them the door and tell them “The Paseo is downtown, asshole.”

You’ll make a brighter, better Pasadena for all of us.

**

I guess my dream to produce a brand-new sequel to the Police Academy flicks have been deferred and, therefore, denied:

PASADENA - Fewer options will be available for John Muir High School students when they return to school in September.

After reviewing staffing numbers and enrollment projections, Muir officials said they decided to delay the launch of the Law and Public Service academy. But they plan to offer the program eventually, said Tim Sippel, school improvement facilitator and a member of the Muir Reinvention team.

Man, that would have been pretty awesome to have a law enforcement academy at Muir. You might actually teach the kids a thing or two - like how to commit a crime without getting caught.

You know, I could hire three homeless guys to do the job the “Muir Reinvention Team” is supposed to do, pay them in only King Cobra and King Cobra alone, and get the same results.

Whenever I’m feeling down or having a rough day, I just remind myself that I don’t go to John Muir High School and I feel a LOT better. And smarter.

**

Don’t forget about the protest against Jack Scott’s dumb ass mylar balloon ban is TOMORROW.  Click here for more information.

Be seeing you,

- AP