The Adventures of Aaron Proctor

The Proc used to make fun of iPod’s - but damn - they’re pretty cool.  Especially when you get one for free from former pro wrestler, Eddie “The Banjo Who Never Blogs-o” Marks. Mine is the iProc, however.  Especially since it says “The Most Electrifying Man In Pasadena” on the back.

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Samuel Mutha Fuckin’ Jackson Was On Last Week’s Mutha Fuckin PW Cover

The Proc says to pick up a Pasadena Weekly today.  I’ve got another round of “5 Questions” with Kathryn Reece - she’s the insanely gorgeous chick who runs The Aztec Hotel - where this Saturday’s Blogger Picnic V (For Vendetta) is takin’ place.  Let me know if you didn’t get an evite!

Check out Andre Coleman’s “Good Fight” story as well - about how Victor Gordo screwed this dude Eddie Johnson over.  Hey Eddie’s family - if you’re out there reading - if I’m electing Councilman, I’ll rename the stretch of Orange Grove Blvd. in District 5 after you.  Take that, El Pollo!

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Picking up where we left off yesterday - revealing just who is The Worst Of Pasadena 2008!

Worst Newspaper:

The Pasadena Journal!

If The Star-News were in the Indy 500 For Shitty Newspapers, it would be the fucking pace car.  But who would be leading the pack of the race itself?  Why, it’s the Pasadena/San Gabriel Valley Journal - the throwaway rag that Joe Hopkins could be using as a service to the community but instead fills it with rants that start out pretty good and turn insane, accuses every white person of being racist, and critcizies youths for listening to “gangsta rap” while noting rap groups that haven’t been popular since 1993.

I mean, if you like hearing how “Whoomp! There It Is” is poisoning the black community, by all means, pick one up.  While you’re at it, pick up a King Cobra - `cause that’s seemingly the only kinds of retailers who carry this paper.  Speaking of King Cobra - where the fuck is Fred Williamson?!  I saw a bunch of his movies for 99 cents at Walgreen’s a few months ago.

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Worst Fashion Trend:

For some reason, everyone says these are ugly ass shoes yet everyone is wearing them.  I think they’re stupid and rank right up there with those annoying bitches who wear over-sized Paris Hilton sunglasses.  Crocs suck, The Proc even has video proof.

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Worst Pasadena Event:

The Doo Dah Parade

No offense to Queen Mickie, but yeah, the People spoke - and think the Doo Dah Parade is just more annoying as The Rose Parade.  And they’re two completely opposite attractions.

The Doo Dah was started by hippies.  I fucking hate hippies.

I don’t dislike The Rose Parade, I just dislike people who focus more on that than crime or schools or things that affect us who live here.  So I resent people who get all up in arms about the Rose Parade and otherwise don’t even know who their fucking City Councilmember is.

I’m going to start my own parade.  It’s going to be called “The Proc’s Awesome Cavalcade”.  No Commie floats.  No hippie chicks who don’t shave their pits.  Just downright, wholesome awesomeness - for the whole fucking family.  Rides, balloons, strippers (with actual nudity), Villanova University’s marching band, and yearly Grandmaster, Tom Wopat.  Or we could just invent a time machine, I could go back, roll up to the very 1st Doo Dah parade on the bus, tell Scotty Snotty & The Hankies that they’re the worst fucking band in the world and that scratching on a chalkboard sounds better than the crap that they put out, and layeth the smackdown so hard on some non-showered hippies that they’ll actually go out and get a job.

Fuck yeah.

Stay tuned tomorrow as I reveal the final Worst Of winners.

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Sarah Palin, meet Elizabeth Kucinich

Ya know, if this election thing doesn’t pan out for Sarah Palin - I’d like to invite her to be in my first adult film..co-starring with me and Elizabeth Kucinich.  We could call it “Bi-Partisan”.

Be seeing you…and remember:

Huell Howser is my Homeboy! 

- AP

The Proc demands that you pick up this week’s Pasadena Weekly.  Not only for another electrifying edition of “5 Questions” (this time, with art & antique gallery owner, Tania Verafield) - also for a few other interesting articles….

Samuel L. Jackson’s new movie, “Lakeview Terrace” is all the rage in Altadena right now - especially since the plot mirrors a story The PW’s “Mr. Thursday Morning” Andre Coleman has been working on for over half a decade.  The story is by Carl “Shut The Fuck Up Donnie” Kozlowski.

The Irsie “Would Really Hate The Proc’s Mom & Dad” Henry story seems pretty comparable to the racist cop Samuel “Snakes On A Muthafuckin’ Plane” Jackson plays in the film.  Hey - Andre - if you want - I’ll help you out with your own version of “Lakeview Terrace”.  Best comedy of the year.  We could have Irsie chasing his neighbors around with pepper spray to the Benny Hill music.

I wish I could do “5 Questions” with this Irsie guy..

1. My mom is white and my dad is black…so do you hate me?
2. You do know that Axe Deodorant does not make a “Pepper Spray” brand, right?
3. WTF kind of name is Irsie?
4. Do you feel bad about the movie?  `Cause you shouldn’t.  I’d love to be played by Samuel L. Jackson.
5. How many mixed couples did you pull over for “broken taillights”?

The real movie is getting some good reviews, though..look what I found in some Hollywood rag:

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Madison And Selinske, Sittin’ In A Tree - D-O-U-C-H-E-B-A-G-G-I-N-G…..
 

Surprise, surprise:  Madison’s not the biggest douche in the PW this week.  That title goes to PUSD board member Tom Selinske, who tries to sell us poor saps on why we should vote to flush our money down the toilet and support Measure TT…which, to me, stands for “Measure Tsk, Tsk“.  Do they think we’re a bunch of retards?  Don’t answer that, Virginia.

If you vote yes on TT, you’re an assclown.  Plain and simple.  PEF wants to fuck us all in the ass and I don’t swing that way, better call Larry.

P.S. Way to earn yourself some Ham & Eggs, Selinske.
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Violent crime is up 22% in Pasadena - according to Alfred Lee at the Pasadena Star-Snotrag.

TRIVIA TIME!

True or false:  Alfred Lee once wrote for “LA CityBeat“, back when it was a good paper.

Answer?

FALSE.  LA CityBeat was never a good paper.

Anyhow -yep..crime is up…but even like Del Apter said, it could be just something that fluctuates - like Britney Spears’ sobriety.

It is nice that we don’t even pay attention to the statistics in the City, though.  Let’s talk about adding streetcars and not worry about crime being up or not even discuss it during a City Council meeting.  I mean - I know - what the fuck are we supposed to discuss?  Well, I don’t know, how about - instead of giving $2 million away on “quiet helicopter” - we get a few more cops out there?  I’m sure $2 million is a LOT of cops!  “BUT I WAN’T QUIET NEIGHBORHOODS”..maybe if we had more foot patrols and less helicopters…huh?  Did The Proc just make a lot of fucking sense…yeah he did.

Yeah, in the Crown City, crime sure doesn’t pay…………………….the bills like the Rose Parade does, so let’s not talk about it.

Oh and I figured out another way to get me to read the Star-News besides putting my name in it…

They need more pics of this fine piece of ass to my left.  Yeah, just move that hand you have on my jacket a little lower, Mickie.  Seriously - what’s up with all the hot chicks at the Star-News?

That picture, by the way, is from the third Bloggers picnic.  Will you make our fifth get together on the 27th at 1 p.m.?  Let me know if you haven’t received an EVite!

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Dormitas is back with another classic City Council “blow by blow”.   Public Comment sure has been boring lately.  Where’s the crazy singing poem lady?  Oh, that’s right, smoking pot somewhere and listening to Joni Mitchell.  Ann, find her. Somebody needs to go in there and spice it out.  Somebody electrifying.  Like me.

So, The Proc will be at public comment next Monday to discuss some VERY important issues affecting the community.  Don’t be square - be there!  Bring a change of panties, ladies.

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Covina had better stock up on vodka and Pall Malls Lights 100’s.  Cynthia Kurtz is coming to town.  My favorite former City Manager is gonna be rockin’ it out east. 

So we lose Cynthia to some NASCAR maniac from the IE?

Which dumb asses let her go again?  Oh, right….

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This is the funniest prank I’ve ever seen on YouTube.  This kid, one day before his graduation, sets up a computer he brought from home..and..well, you’ll just have to watch to see his teacher freak out.

Be seeing you,

- AP

On a serious note:

Today is the 7th anniversary of the attacks on the World Trade Center, Pentagon, and Western Pennsylvania (the latter, most likely headed for the White House or the Capitol).

No matter your party aliegance or your alliance, please don’t forget to silently, in whatever way you do things, thank those who gave their lives - not only unknowingly by being a victim of this most heinous act of our modern day society - but those who went out to try and save those lives.

I’ll never forget that day on September 11th, 2001 (September 11th, which also happens to be my youngest brother, Josh’s birthday - happy birthday, by the way, Josh!) - and I’ll never forget where I was (Dallas, Texas to be exact) or how I felt afterward.

Never, ever forget.

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Don’t forget to pick up a PW this week - not only is there another excellent edition of my “5 Questions” column (this time, with Huntington Catering Company owner, Justin Prietto) - there’s also a sweet letter about me and my interview with my close, personal friend Huell Howser in the letters section.  Read on, folks, read fucking on.

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Ann Erdman has got seven little trivia questions about Pasadena over on her blog.  That’s all fine and dandy - but as The Proc usually does what he wants - he’s going to be the Most Electrifying Man in Pasadena and make her seven little trivia questions 11% better.

1.  About how many people are fucked over per day by the City of Pasadena?

a)  1,200

b)  2,300

c)  appx 160,000

2.  Which three positions are least cared about by the City Council?

a) City Manager

b) Police Chief

c) City Clerk

d) City Treasurer

e) Chris Holden
f) City Attorney
3.  Which three revenue sources does the City use to give everybody in West Pasadena a good life as well as say “fuck all” to everyone else?

a) Property tax

b) Transient occupancy tax (hotel room tax)
c) Sales tax
d) Secret PEF funds
e) Parking meters and parking tickets
f) Utility users tax

4.  Which type of business should be have been asked first about how the proposed smoking ban will affect them?

a) Auto sales
b) Restaurants
c) Department stores
d) Gas stations
e) Armenians
f) Computer software companies

Ann Erdman and I

5.  Which four properties have more importance to the City of Pasadena than your own safety and well-being?

a) Wrigley Mansion / Tournament of Roses headquarters
b) The Gamble House
c) Pasadena Senior Center
d) Madison’s Maserati and Asian Whore
e) Pacific Asia Museum
f) Armory Center for the Arts
g) Pasadena Playhouse

6.  Which three official, charted businesses development districts does Larry Wilson like to name drop in his editorials?

a) Old Pasadena Management District
b) South Lake Business District
c) Playhouse District Association
d) The Boulevard
e) East Washington Boulevard Business District

7.   What of these items does The Proc not give a shit about and throw in other people’s blue recycling bins when he’s walking down the street?

a) Batteries
b) Phone books
c) Glass jars and bottles
d) Styrofoam
e) Used condoms
f) Used motor oil
g) Computers

Sorry, Ann

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I’ve always been a big fan of the song Australian folk song “Waltzing Matilda“.  My brother, Adam, had to learn it in 4th grade Music class and used to sing it all the fucking time.

I also used to have this very cool neighbor named Dave Bond, who was from Australia.  He liked his beer and darts and knew a thing or two about cricket and shuffleboard - not the shuffleboard Claire Bogaard plays on vacation - actual shuffleboard.

Anyhow, I noticed that “Waltzing Matilda” fit perfectly, syllable-wise, with “Old Pasadena“…so here’s my tribute to Old Pasadena, self-titled, sung to the tune of “Waltzing Matilda“:

“Old Pasadena” (sung to “Waltzing Matilda”)

Once a limo liberal had a few thousand bucks,
Unsure of how he would spend his money,
So he jumped in his Prius and drove down Colorado
“Who’ll come to Old Pasadena with me?”

Old Pasadena, Old Pasadena
“Who’ll come to Old Pasadena with me”
And he sang in his Prius and drove down Colorado
“You’ll come to Old Pasadena with me”

First, he had some wine at that place Mi Piace
Then bought a new power suit at Armani
And he smiled as he passed the McMurphy’s and Lula Mae
“You’ll come to Old Pasadena with me”.

Old Pasadena, Old Pasadena
“Who’ll come to Old Pasadena with me”
And he laughed as he dropped a thousand bucks at Armani
“You’ll come to Old Pasadena with me”

Down came yellow jackets, mounted on their Seg-a-ways
Up came the hobags, one, two, three
“Where’s the 35er? It’s not really a dive bar”
“You’ll come to Old Pasadena with me”

Old Pasadena, Old Pasadena
“Who’ll come to Old Pasadena with me”
“Want to play some pool at Jake’s Billiards in the alley?”
“You’ll come to The Equator with me”

Up got the slutbag and jumped into her brand new car,
“You’ll find me at Neomeze”, said she,
And her tits may be seen as you pass by that Hooters place
“Who’ll come to Old Pasadena with me”?

Old Pasadena, Old Pasadena
“Who’ll come to Old Pasadena with me”
And her ass may be seen outside Forever 21
“Who’ll come to Old Pasadena with me”?

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Who gets to choke on some ham and eggs this week?  None other than Al-Qaeda.  Fundamentalist douchebags!

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Is Obama like George Costanza?

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The Proc wants some Vannia on his De La Cuba,

- AP

Former PSN Reporter & Permanent Pimp, Todd Ruiz

That’s what Pasadena PIO Ann Erdman was doing the other day.  All I gotta say is lock up your wives and girlfriends - this guy even gives The Proc a run for his money in the looks department.

Plus, we seem to be the only two dudes with attitudes in the `Dena able to pull off wearing this shade:

I’ll pause, ladies, so you can change your underwear.

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Pick up a PW today for another great edition of “5 Questions“.  This time it’s with this dude name Josh, who owns Luigi Ortega’s - or as the picture above says “LO’s Cafe Beer Wine”.  What an odd name!

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As you all know, I’m running against El Pollo Gordo for his District 5 seat.  Here’s the first non-video ad I’ve developed - to show Gordo that I’m not out of touch:

No Union Members were harmed in the making of that ad - but they sure got crunk.

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Palin 1, Obama 0

Everyone’s favorite VPILF totally owned Barack Obama..or should I say OWNEDbama last night!  Can’t wait until the Liberal media spins her as a racist - after all, you’re not allowed to criticize a black man running for President (much like you can’t touch a black man’s radio…)

Some of Ms. Hotness’ best lines of the night?

“And since our opponents in this presidential election seem to
look down on that experience, let me explain to them what the job
involves. I guess a small-town mayor is sort of like a ‘community
organizer,’ except that you have actual responsibilities.” 

BURN!  Yeah, Obama, while you were just walking around pretending to me a “community organizer” (kinda like how Portantino is in the Kiwannis club and doesn’t show up for meetings) - Palin was actually doin’ shit.  I mean, local Obama supporters - like Maserati Madison (who I thought was on Team Hillary?) and Victor Gordo totally know about sitting around, not doing anything!

And the other delicious line from the delicious one herself had to be:

“Here’s how I look at the choice Americans face in this election. In politics, there are some candidates who use change to promote their careers. And then there are those, like John McCain, who use their careers to promote
change.”

Nice.  Can’t deny that it was a fantastic speech!  And you also can’t deny something else….

For all the sucking up that you get from the media as the new Messiah, I’m sure this won’t bother you too much - but Barack Obama - you get this week’s Ham And Egger Award.  Go do some fucking “community outreach” with it, or something.

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Join in Gerrymanderingmania over at Foothill Cities!

Be seeing you,

- AP

The Proc is The Most Electrifying Man In Pasadena - and he also has the Most Electrifying Column In The Pasadena Weekly.  Pick up a copy of the PW this week (since they don’t put my column on their website!) and check out “5 Questions” with Jeannette Bouvard, media guru of the Pasadena Museum of History.

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Is it me or does Virginia Hoge just get crazier and crazier with every new post she has on her blog?  This chick is fucking insane.

Check out this post she has about former Councilmember and CEO of the Chamber of Commerce, my buddy Paul Little.

Why is Paul Little the president of the Chamber of Commerce?  Is it some conspiracy by the right-wing in Pasadena?  Fuck no.  Paul works hard and likes to be involved with the community in some way or another.  He kicks ass and takes names while you, Virginia, what the fuck do you do!?   No - seriously - how do you contribute to society!?  Besides the $11,000 you get from PUSD to trash my blog?

And look at her blaming Rene Amy for her stealing a photo from the New York Times!  Yeah, I’m sure Rene Amy had everything to do with this.  If you read Virginia’s blog and believe what she says, apparently Rene and I rule the world.  We all know it’s just me and Rene Amy doesn’t have anything to do with running shit around here
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I haven’t talked about Victor “El Pollo” Gordo in a while.  I know Council has been on summer vacation and he’s probably spending those long summer nights wondering which other Pasadena restaurants have drive-thrus.

Well, that’s all about to change in a few days.

I’m moving into District 5.  So, in other words, Victor, Ahora soy su problema.  I’m your problem now, buddy.  I’m gonna miss my sexy Councilman - whom I am still challenging to a game of Horse any time, any place.

So, my new Councilman is Steve Madison’s best friend.  Yawn.

I’d like to present my new Councilman with a special award…you all know what’s coming:

The first ever Jambon Y Heuvos version of the Ham And Egger Award - just for you, Victor!  In bizarro world, this award would be presented to “Loser Flaco” - but we’re not in bizarro world, we’re in Pasadena, where your Council district just became the coolest one fucking ever - `cause I live there.

The funniest thing is that Victor is up for re-election later this year.  Maybe he’ll not just cruise right back into another term:  maybe he’ll deal with The Proc as his opponent!  And now my goal of trying to bang Vannia De La Cuba (pretty sure she’s the hot chick on the right whose eyes are screaming ‘I want a piece of The Proc’) is closer to being reached.

Proctor for City Council.  No Cerveza, No Trabajo.
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Be seeing you,

- AP

Today is a big day for The Proc. Not only is there another edition of “5 Questions” (with Andre Vener of redwhite+bluezz) in this week’s Pasadena Weekly, you can also check out my special interview with the one, the only, Huell Howser. Pick up a copy today! Let’s fuck shit up!
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I ran into Todd Ruiz (on the left in the picture above) the other day. He seems to be doing well - as you may or may not remember, he was the extremely memorable predecessor to the predecessor of Davey Allred over at the PSN. While Todd may not consider himself the hottest free agent in Journalism (not only due to his talent but his handsomeness as well) - his presence in the media is sorely missed. Let’s face it, Todd was the only reason actually pay for a PSN instead of stealing one from your neighbor’s doorstep.

Todd mentioned to me how it’s funny he’s might be the only person in Pasadena to not receive a coveted Ham And Egger Award from yours truly.

OOPS! I’m so sorry about that, Todd. I’ll redeem myself right now. Just for your comments alone - you get this week’s Ham And Egger Award.

Try not to make my job so easy next time, ok?

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Mucho props to Frazgo for representing the area blogosphere on his recent ride along with the Pasadena Police Department. I was setting up one of these for myself a few months ago and got very sidetracked.

I used to not have a lot of respect for police but that all changed recently. Yeah, there’s bad apples..but there are bad apples in everything we have in society. The cops in Pasadena are really trying to make things better, to make sure those Muir kids out on the streets at night aren’t fucking shit up, to make sure that we’re all a little safer.

I’m sure it’s not easy to be a cop no matter you are but we’re lucky that things aren’t worse and that we’re not in a city like Whittier or Compton or anything like that.

The cops in this City do a lot of hard work - and they get more done than any elected official ever would.

Oh and the Proc doesn’t have a gripe that these guys didn’t really know about me/my blog - they’re busy protecting the City - which is far more important than reading this website.

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Michael Beck was recently welcomed to the Crown City as our new City Manager. I’ve already personally welcomed him here on the website and have given him some pointers on how not to screw up. I wish I could have gotten him something…like a little gift basket or something - but I’m sure other people have already showered him with “Welcome to Pasadena” gifts….

TOP TEN PRESENTS MICHAEL BECK HAS RECEIVED SINCE COMING TO PASADENA

10. Coupon for one free “massage” in East Pasadena (with complete immunity)
9. A Barbara Streisand box set from Larry Wilson
8. A Flowbee
7. Sid Tyler said Michael Beck’s gift was that Sid was allowing him to breathe another day.
6. An 8-track of “Elvira” by the Oak Ridge Boys
5. The fruitcake that Cynthia Kurtz didn’t want for Christmas 2 years ago
4. A book explaining how one way streets work - compared to the Dukes Of Hazzard-esque dirt roads of the Inland Empire
3. Victor Gordo gave him a huge wrapped box with a big ribbon on it. When Michael Beck opened it, it was empty - as Gordo ran away laughing and saying “Sucker!”
2. NASCAR tickets for life
1. Bill Bogaard Pez Dispenser

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Q. What do you call it when you get to work and you see Kevin Uhrich, Carl Kozlowski, Joe Piasecki, and Andre Coleman standing outside?

Give up?

A. A Ham And Egg Omelet.

Be seeing you (especially you)…

- AP

Hey you! Yeah, you with the computer keyboard. Get off your lazy ass and pick up a Pasadena Weekly this week. “The Proc’s 5 Questions” is with the owner of Leaforever, Ray Tsai - probably the most hilarious one to date. And for everyone look for the big Huell interview, that’ll be in the paper next week!

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Did you vote in the Worst Of Pasadena awards yet? Well, you fuckin’ should. Over 100 people have so far…but I know there’s more of you out there..so get those ballots in quickly!

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Remember my list of The Ten Things I Love About Pasadena? The Proc is still counting down. Let’s see what made it to #2 on the list:

#2 - Pasadena City Council!

Ever love hating something? Yeah, that’s the way I roll when it comes to Pasadena City Council. Don’t get me wrong - there’s some great people with a sense of humor up there, and some people who take things way too seriously.

The thing that’s the funniest about these people is the fact you can hear their guffaws after reading my blog miles away from City Hall - until the joke is on them. Then, it’s “Proc, you’ve gone too far” and “Proc, you’ve got to tone it down a little bit.” Jokes are only funny if they’re not about you - that should be on the Pasadena seal.

The thing I love most is that they’ve all kind of developed (or maybe I developed them) into their own characters:

• The staid, boring, old Mayor who is still drinking pimp juice at the age of 172.
• A Councilwoman that doesn’t even look like she’s old enough to drink (and sometimes looks like she’s possibly on the Pineapple Express, according to Dormitas’ great City Council reviews…)
• Then there’s the Queen of District 2 - a sweet woman but she isn’t afraid to verbally lay the smacketh down. There’s a reason we call her “Iron” Maggie and it’s not because she’s good at pressing shirts.
• Shiiiiiiiiit.
• A sex symbol.
• A political lackey with perfect hair follicles who got the name “El Pollo” from simply asking at a meeting last year if the Church’s Chicken on Orange Grove had a drive thru.
• A giant douchebag who drives a Maserati and divorced his wife right before he received won a multi-million dollar court case.
• The world’s most dangerous man.

With Districts 3, 5, and 7 in contention in 2009, some of these guys might be replaced. I’ll never forget the current class of City Council though…and I don’t think the rest of Pasadena will, either.

Keep up the great work AND (more importantly) the shitty work. I gots to have something to writes about. And that’s the bottom line. `Cause Aaron Proctor said so.

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The District 6 Blogger brings up a really good point I’d like to share with you all:

Aaron:

Why does Bill Bogaard and pal Steve Madison continue to downplay Pasadena as some kind of quiet little bedroom community? You’d never know from Bogaard that there’s gang violence, coverups, and insider @($)! going on. Check out this article. Bogaard calls Pasadena “a little understated” as if he’s proud of it. This is the same old $*@$)_!.

Serious-fucking-ly. Speaking of our new City Manager, I guess my comments about the Inland Empire didn’t go unnoticed by an IE blogger:

The Inland Empire has not yet been universally recognized as an area of high culture and standards. For example, take a look at what Aaron Proctor had to say regarding the upcoming transfer of Michael Beck from Riverside to Pasadena.

I’ve got a few predictions about this Inland Empire go-getter (a go-getter in the IE is defined as anyone who wears a dress shirt and works more than 10 hours a week).

Now I could cry and complain and wave my dress shirt around, but I have to admit that sometimes we in the Inland Empire do our own selves in. The headline of this story says it all:

Official said to be meth addict

Say it ain’t so! Meth addiction in the Inland Empire? I’m shocked.

Actually, we have had a meth problem for years and years, and it doesn’t just affect the addicts:

When the Inland Empire ranked as one of the nation’s largest producers of meth during the 1990s, police officers like Jim Foreman were kept busy raiding and investigating countless makeshift labs where the drug was produced. During one incident, Foreman actually passed out from the chemicals. Today, Foreman, who took a medical retirement last year, says his lungs operate at only 60% of capacity. He suffers from a series of other ailments he blames on his exposure to the meth lab toxins.

So some of us aren’t working 40 hour weeks, either because we’re addicted to meth or we’re recovering from meth exposure.

At least we’re all keeping our shirts on. So far.

I didn’t know people out there did anything on the Internet outside of going to tattoo parlor websites, MySpace and NASCAR.com. Slap my ass and call me misinformed!

**

Be seeing you,

- AP

PW’s Andre Coleman, The Huell Howser, and Moi (photo by BettyLuImages)

As you may know, not many things put The Proc in a great mood. I would be hard pressed to find anyone who wouldn’t be in the best mood ever after having lunch at Pie N Burger with the one, the only, Huell Howser.

Huell and I are like two polar opposites when it comes to entertainment. While Huell is quite possibly the friendliest man in all of entertainment, I’m the mean-spirited, devil-may-care provacateur. Huell’s not polluted with politics like I am. Politics, liberal, conservative, black, white, yellow, green….all of that doesn’t seem to matter when you’re chillin’ with Huell.

“There is success without doin’ all the things that everyone tells you you have to do in order to be successful” - Huell Howser to me yesterday

I met up with Huell for a feature on him I’m doing for the Pasadena Weekly - what started out as a simple “5 Questions” might end up being a bigger feature. In fact, I sincerely hope it does - because I’ve never really read another in-depth interview with the guy and he said a lot of things that makes his already towering affability go through the heavens. So, I won’t go into detail about our 90 minute interview - but I will say this - it’s very entertaining, very educational, very heartfelt, very real, and very awesome. You’ll laugh, you’ll smile, you might even cry after hearing about the world through Huell’s eyes. It’s just like watching his TV show - but a whole lot better. I look forward to working on this story and for you all to read it in the Weekly soon. Some of the best and most enriching 90+ minutes of my life I’ve ever experienced.

Speaking of “5 Questions” - pick up a PW for this week’s edition with Marci, the owner of much-promoted-as-of-late-on-this-website store, Lula Mae.

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See this motorbike above? It’s seen a lot over in the eastern part of Pasadena. There’s a blonde chick who rides it - and she’s usually wearing all pink as well, or at least a pink helmet. Kind of like a Pasadena version of Angelyne but way less annoying and way more cool. Anybody else ever seen her - or is she just a figment of my imagination?

**

I guess we have to call him “Hollywood” Girardot now after Frank’s appearance on Fox News last night. Rock on! Let me be an extra in the movie about this Rockefeller guy.
**

I was going to give a Ham And Egger award this week to South Pasadena for saying they’re for the 710 coming through but they’re not really for the 710 coming through. Until - I saw this on Dave Abington’s blog:

Ha, ha, fuckity ha. What’s next - “Chris Holden Facts”? “Bologna & Tuna Awards”? Get your own damn material and lay off my Top Ten Lists.

I knew giving this guy a preemptive award would soon him actually earning one - and you did that…Dan Abendschein (hey - I finally got his name right) gets this week’s Ham And Egger Award for gimmick infringement.

**

Happy Thursday!

- AP

The Proc says it’s Thursday - so that means it’s time for you to pick up a Pasadena Weekly and check out my newest edition of “5 Questions“. This time, it’s with Good Ol’ Paul Little!

**

After some homeless dude sat down next to me at the bus stop yesterday morning, demanded a cigarette, and when I told him I didn’t have any left - he said “THANKS A LOT, ASSHOLE” and walked away - I was pretty pissed. Not only pissed because the bus stop at Colorado and Sierra Madre smells of piss ever since they kept a bench there (which is now gone) for a week… (I also should note I would have beated his ass on principle but I didn’t want to smell like urine coming into my JOB)

I was also pretty pissed because I recently learned a new and disturbing fact about the homeless here in Pasadena and why they all flock here. It’s not just because the idiots down in Los Angeles give them tokens and tell them “Go to Pasadena!”

There was a survey recently done in Old Town. It found that a huge number of shoppers/people found it wrong that the Yellow Jacket Guides in Pasadena sometimes prevent them from giving homeless people money. Yeah, you read that right - people in Pasadena are pissed they can’t give to the homeless. I mean, in one sense, it’s their right to give money to whoever they want to - but in another sense - it’s causing a problem.

When I lived in Marcus Hook, PA - I lived by a park right on the Delaware River which I liked to go to and watch the ships unload at Sun Oil and then-BP. The park was full of seagull shit. Why? Because people kept feeding the seagulls. Finally the Marcus Hook city government (of which assclown Curt Weldon used to be Mayor) decided it was time to put up signs saying “Please Don’t Feed The Seagulls”. You feed a seagull, it keeps coming back, and shits on your sidewalk. People didn’t listen. Now the park is not only full of seagull shit - but lame-ass suburbanite gang graffiti as well.

Same applies to the homeless in Pasadena. Offer to buy one of them lunch next time instead of giving them money. See how many turn you down. Nahh, you give them money, or a cigarette..so they piss and shit at your bus stop..and EXPECT you to give them more money and a cigarette. These people who keep doing it AREN’T HELPING.

So - we just continue the trend that LA does. We give them a token and tell them to hit up Monrovia - where Crazy Billy Idol bitch has all of Restaurant Row squared away. That’s fine with me - `cause at least they’re not in Pasadena - but why not send them back to where they most likely came from?

Hey Council - why not make begging for money considered solicitation? Make it so someone asking you for change or a cigarette is right up there with a hooker in Untown telling you “$50 dollar for blow job”. I mean, it could be complaint based like their stupid smoking ban. We’ve got this new guy in Old Town telling people some sob story about he “just got off the Greyhound from prison” (when in fact, the Greyhound station here in Pasadena has been closed for a little while) - and that he needs a few dollars. Yeah, like I’m going to give money to a criminal. Why not have a hotline I can call where the po-po can come pick him up and drop his ass off in Los Angeles with the rest of the garbage? Put them right by that annoying “Question Mark” cafe on Colorado in Evil Rock - whose name I can never figure out - and let the hipsters on their Wi-Fi give him change. Or throw him in the slammer - at least he’ll have food and water and a bed for a night or two.

Don’t let the homeless dick you around and fuck up Pasadena. I’m surprised more of the limo Liberals aren’t all over this - but they’re mostly the ones GIVING them money and smokes. It’s only `cause there’s not homeless people pushing around shopping carts in Linda Vista. “You can be poor but you can’t be poor near me.” Nice job, douchebags.

**

Everyone’s favorite crazy person, Virginia Hoge, is at it again. Spewing more gallons of crazy than an oil well at a Texas mental institution:

The Joker with his new pal

Well, look who is here, partying with Aaron Proctor - at 2 separate parties. The top pic is from Aaron’s Blogger Party - whose pics have mysteriously vanished from his blog (what? censorship in the land of Libertarian “Free Speech”), lucky I kept this one for my scrapbook. And here she is again, giving the camera a “Rose Queen wave” on the far right, a guest at his recent birthday party!Who is “she”? None other than the Public Information Officer for the city of Pasadena, Ann Erdman (yes, she has a blog too).She does not condemn him - her weak “give him a bar of soap” comment, is not near enough - as she should, in support of her City if nothing else! I say her being there is nothing less than a very real show of support from her.Ann Erdman’s job description is listed on the City of Pasadena website as:The Public Affairs Division is the information link between city government, the community and the media. It produces the community newsletter Pasadena In Focus, prepares and distributes news releases, answers media inquiries, oversees all programming on 55 KPAS, develops and sells City Hall souvenirs, produces brochures, leaflets, flyers, posters, ads and other literature; plans press conferences; promotes special events; provides media relations and public relations counsel to city departments; and oversees the information kiosk at Pasadena City Hall. We are in serious trouble at City Hall if their main media person, their “information link between the city…and the community”, has so little scruples as to consort with the likes of this modern-day “Bircher” who is violently* attacking her own colleagues at City Hall! Oh yes, and he also sends our Mayor crudely-drawn comics to “rattle” him.*“Violence of the tongue is very real, sharper than any knife.” - Mother TheresaNot to mention Proctor’s profane, racist and savage attacks on our Public School district and his support of right-wing causes and candidates.Not to mention Proctor’s profane, racist and savage attacks on our Public School district and his support of right-wing causes and candidates.Forget W being Batman, Aaron Proctor is our Joker. (”The Joker”, said the late Heath Ledger “is a person without empathy”).Not to mention Proctor’s profane, racist and savage attacks on our Public School district and his support of right-wing causes and candidates.Forget W being Batman, Aaron Proctor is our Joker. (”The Joker”, said the late Heath Ledger “is a person without empathy”).But how long does he get to run around “Gotham”, a whole lot more? Our media (and the City of Pasadena’s lead media official) seem to be enjoying him. Not to mention Proctor’s profane, racist and savage attacks on our Public School district and his support of right-wing causes and candidates.Forget W being Batman, Aaron Proctor is our Joker. (”The Joker”, said the late Heath Ledger “is a person without empathy”).But how long does he get to run around “Gotham”, a whole lot more? Our media (and the City of Pasadena’s lead media official) seem to be enjoying him.Why? Not to mention Proctor’s profane, racist and savage attacks on our Public School district and his support of right-wing causes and candidates.Forget W being Batman, Aaron Proctor is our Joker. (”The Joker”, said the late Heath Ledger “is a person without empathy”).But how long does he get to run around “Gotham”, a whole lot more? Our media (and the City of Pasadena’s lead media official) seem to be enjoying him.Why?

Here are a couple of things I said in comments on her blog - which I’m sure she won’t print:

1. Those pics are still on my blog. Just go into the archives. Here and here. Idiot!!

2. Those pics are my property and I did not authorize you to use them. Therefore, you should take them down - since they’re copyrighted material. (Note: This rule applies to Hoge and Hoge only. Everyone else is cool with using stuff. I am just worried she’s masturbating to my image. While I don’t blame her, it creeps me the fuck out..)
3. I’m pleased to be put on the same level as Heath’s stunning performance in the film.

4. You’re a crazy fucking bitch…and you’re a professional crazy fucking bitch because you get paid by PUSD to be a crazy fucking bitch.

5. Ann Erdman thinks I rock the party that rocks the body. Jealous much?

6. You wanna talk about verbal violence? When you say things like “how long does he get to run around”, etc - sounds like you want to have me jailed for freedom of speech or even killed. Get in line for both.

7. Sorry you didn’t get invited to the blogger party or my birthday party. Your invitation must have got lost in the mail…..but I swear I thought Crazytown, USA 12345 was a legit zip code.

8. Fuck you. But not in the literal sense - `cause seriously - I wouldn’t go near that if PUSD paid me $11,000.

9. “Our media (and the City of Pasadena’s lead media official) seem to be enjoying him. Why?” Because I’m the Most Electrifying Man in Pasadena and fucking hilarious?
10. Thanks.

**

I think we all know who the 5.4-on-the-Richter-scale Ham & Egger in the room is this week.

For the first time ever, this week’s Ham & Egger Award goes to an inanimate object (well, if you count Peter Dreier as an animate object..):

The Chino Hills Earthquake.

Thanks for a “not so big quake” to scare the hell out of me….should rename it “The Ham & Egger Earthquake.”

**

Ok - so everyone (including me) is talking about how great the new Batman movie is - but wait just a minute here….Step Brothers is pretty good, too.

It’s a funny movie that I was laughing through the entire way. Lots of “rated R” type humor - much like you’ll find on this website. It’s not “artsy” funny, either, so leave that Darjeeling Limited shit at home. Plus - like 99% of it is filmed in Pasadena and South Pasadena. If you go see it, watch for the Paseo and the Mission Gold Line Station. Now all those filming signs I saw like..6 or 8 months ago…for “Brothers” make sense.

I also have a soft spot for John C. Reilly (who also lives in Pasadena - why can’t we have John C. Reilly Day?! Margaret McAustin - get on that one…) since a couple of people used to say I looked like him (when I let my hair grow long..)

Plus there are quite a lot of quotable lines and memorable scenes throughout the film. I’ll even wager this was funnier than Walk Hard or Semi-Pro.

I say give it a chance - but wait until after you see Batman..it’s the perfect “pick me up”. Seriously, I was laughing for 90 minutes straight.

**

So an e-mail went around from some Old Money White People “historical preservationists” about how Michael Beck wouldn’t be a good fit as the next City Manager of Pasadena.

If you read my post yesterday, you’ll see why he’s really bad for Pasadena. It has nothing to do with his records on pissing off Old Money White People “historical preservation” - it has to do with the fact that he’s coming from Bumfuck County to Pasadena and will roll over anything and everything the City tells him to do. Just what we need - another lackey. Trust me - take a City Manager from like Texarkana and tell him he’s gonna be the new City Manager of New York City and get a nicer house and get paid way more. He’d do anything you’d say. The Old Money White People “historical preservationists” should calm the fuck down - he’ll be at your beckon call.
Besides - the way Bogey is talking in the paper, it sounds like Beck is already the new guy. I wonder if Beck has been debriefed on Pasadena just yet? I mean, I’m sure he knows all the ins and outs of government..but what about other quirks of the Crown City?

TOP TEN THINGS THAT WILL BE SAID TO MICHAEL BECK ONCE HE BECOMES CITY MANAGER

10. “It is true that Sid Tyler does extreme mixed-martial arts cagefighting on the weekends..”
9. “If you see a heavy-set guy in glasses with an un-tucked shirt and notepad lurching around City Hall, that’s Carl Kozlowski. Yeah, don’t watch his stand-up routine.”
8. “Be careful what you say in print around here. Unlike Riverside, people here can actually read.”
7. “Here’s your copy of Mein Kampf for your trips to South Pasadena…”
6. “She’s not a high school intern, she’s a Councilwoman.”
5. “See that Proctor guy? You don’t see him.”
4. “It’s ok. It’s a diagonal crosswalk.”
3. “Nearest Sonic? 22 miles away.”
2. “Shiiiiiiiiiiit.”
1. “What do you mean ‘when’s the next NASCAR event’? HAHAHAHA! Where the hell do you think you are? Riverside?……………………………Ooops.”

**

Like dangling a piece of cheese in front of a mouse with its mouth wired shut,
- AP

Pick up a PW today! The 99 Cent Chef is my special guest in my weekly “5 Questions” segment! Find out which 99 Cents Stores sell BEER!

**

By the way - people lookin’ for me at last night’s Pasadena Republican Club shindig ought to know I had to work overtime yesterday and couldn’t make it. My apologies.

Anyone else notice a mini-war going on between Councilmembers Maggie McAustin and Maserati Madison? Dormitas talks about it a little bit in this week’s Council blow-by-blows.

Madison made some backhanded/condescending comment toward McAustin at this week’s meeting - basically making fun of her for not being on City Council as long as he has.

I think Madison’s just being a baby because McAustin totally crushed him a few weeks ago and his everyone and their mother probably saw Steve get owned on YouTube.

It’s time for this guy to step down from Council or something. He uses his position as something to show off to all the ho’s down in Old Town..or something. They all sit up there and talk about The Pasadena Way and here’s a guy who definitely doesn’t fit that description.  Ya know, Steve, I think you can pick up some anti-douchebaggery breath spray at Lula Mae.
And I’m tellin’ ya - if he does run for Mayor - I’ll run, too. Just to make sure he doesn’t win. Listen all y’all it’s a Sabotage.
**

“See, your murderers come with smiles, they come as your friends…” - Goodfellas

Fat Tony is having a fundraiser - and you’re invited. And by, invited, he means, pay $50 or wind up in one of the fake rivers we have around here.

Everyone is going to be there! Bill Bogaard’s wife, Mark Kenyon and Clare Marter Kenyon (their names even SOUND like they’re limo liberals!!!), oh - and since it’s overlooking the Arroyo and South Pasadena, you won’t have to worry about any black people being there.

Whatevs. I got Brian Fuller’s back. The thing is - how come Portantino needs a fundraiser if Fuller’s campaign isn’t “threatening” (wow, that sounds familiar). Kinda like Bogey raised like..$65,000..to run against me?

Seems a little, I dunno, mafioso to me? I’m just sayin’. Doesn’t help the stereotype either when you’re from Long Branch, NJ.

*cue The Sporanos theme* Woke up this morning…

**

A bunch of Starbucks in the area are closing.  Blah, blah, fuckity blah.  I noticed that you’ve got a Starbucks on North Hill Avenue and then right around the corner, another Starbucks on Bonnie and Colorado.  Seriously…not even a mile away from each other.

Maybe that’s why they’re going to have to close stores?  Ever hear of a term called oversaturation?  I’m all for companies succeeding in our capitalist society and I’m all for people not being penalized for being successful - but you wonder when the coffee bubble is gonna burst when you’re got 16 Starbucks per square mile.

Ya see, this is what happen when hippies grow up, have kids, and those kids start coffee businesses.  They don’t think ahead because they’re too busy smoking pot, trying to infuse the pot into their coffee, and listening to Jack Johnson or Dave Matthews or whomever is popular with the stoners this half of the year.

I, for one, welcome these store closings.  Just so I can see annoying fucking hipsters wandering aimlessly down the street because how dare they drink Winchell’s or gas station coffee!  Those trucker hats won’t save you now.

**

Seacrest out,

- AP

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