The Adventures of Aaron Proctor

Congratulations to CM Punk. This guy became the WWE World Champion last night on what was an unusually amazing episode of Monday Night RAW. Not only did CM Punk work his way up from the independent ranks to do this (and became quite the fan favorite) - he’s a great guy to be representing WWE at the moment. You see, CM Punk - in real life and in character - is “Straight Edge”. No drugs, no cigarettes, no alcohol, nothing. Now, I’m not down with the no cigarettes/no alcohol/no sex before marriage lifestyle (actually I think being “Straight Edge” is pretty lame) - but with all the steroids shit going on in the WWE and other sports/entertainment, there’s nobody better to represent the company.

**

The Proc has been analyzing District 2 City Councilmember Paul Little’s recent blog entry lately:

Council passed the annual operating budget last Monday night. Mostly, from what I can see the budget is appropriate.

I do have one serious concern: they added nearly $4 million more to the city’s General Fund reserve. Ok. Reserves help with stability, and generally I don’t have an issue with a healthy reserve. BUT, Pasadena already has a very healthy General Fund reserve. So healthy, the city recently earned a AAA bond rating.

Here’s my gripe, when they were campaigning for passage of Measure D, which I supported, the Mayor, former city manager, current interim city manager and the Council said they faced an emergency if the Utility User Tax wasn’t extended. BUT, now that the have the UUT in place, the city leaders are taking cash and putting it in their own reserve funds. NOT using it for services. NOT using it for constituent support. NOT using it for anything at all. If there was an emergency in February and it no longer exists, it seems to me only fair that, rather than line the city’s bank account, the appropriate action would have been to rebate that $3.7 million to the folks who pay the Utility User Tax.

As for the argument that other cityies have higher reserves — those cities don;t enjoy a AAA bond rating. They also don;t have a utility company that generates mass quantities of money on a daily basis and that carries both a reserve and a working capital reserve valued together at more than 15% of the General Fund budget. Oh, and let’s not forget the Capital Projects Reserve and a host of other funds carrying balances to hedge against lost revenue or emergencies.

So, I have take my hat off to Martin Truitt and Wayne Lusvardi, who apparently were prescient when they said that the city didn’t have an emergency, didn’t need the UUT renewal and that city leadership was only going to fatten its own wallet with the money.

In times of economic stress, I do find it difficult to accept a city government that increases its own reserves rather than do what it can to relieve the stress on its citizens and businesses.

Well, duh. Measure D was such a fucking crock - but hardly anyone listened, did they? Paul Little’s entry is great and all - but I’m still wondering - why did he exactly support Measure D in the first place? Why didn’t he do his own research? He would have come to the same conclusion that Truitt and Lusvardi did. Right? Why all of the 20/20 hindsight now, Paul? You’re a big voice in this City, a lot of us tend to listen when you speak - why didn’t you take the time to see how big of a hornswoggle Measure D really was?

Speaking of being bamboozled - according to Rene Amy - the PUSD is proposing a $350,000,000.00 (yes that’s $350 million) bond measure to go on November’s ballot. And if that doesn’t outrage you - maybe Rene’s description should:

…folks may not actually realize that bonds are like a mortgage
that all property owners in the district must pay back through increases
in their yearly property taxes.

Such bonds are typically paid back over 30 year.

We’ve still got about 20 years left on paying the mortgage on Measure Y.

So, this next bond would be like a second mortgage - with extra added
payments due year in and year out….

Oh, what the fuck. $350 million? In Steve Haderlein math, that’s 70 Peppermint Gardens. (Take a shot). So, PUSD is going to try to be all cool and sneak this bond measure on the ballot with, ya know, the biggest Presidential election ever - and have people just blindly vote “yes” on it because they’re skipping everything else to go vote for the President.

Are they insane!? If we’re still paying money back on Measure Y - which I still have yet to see numbers supporting what exactly, if anything, Measure Y solved - are we, as citizens, going to shell out another $350 million so the geniuses at PUSD can bring gangsta rappers to show kids the way or pay Virginia Hoge more money to stroke their academic cocks?

Of course - I’m sure the same people who supported Measure D will tell us what a good idea this is. Then, a few months later, one of their main supporters will come out and tell us that they were basically a shill and that this bond measure is faker than most women’s tits out here.

Crimeny. Is there anyone with a brain left!?

**

Bloggers picnic photo. Courtesy WCGB:

Front row: The 99 Cent Chef, Pasadena Daily Photo, Ed Padgett.

Middle: Miss Havisham, Irina.

Standing in the back: Monrovia City Watch, WCGB, the cool dude Adam who hangs out with Brian Fuller, Kelli with an i, Ann Erdman, Susan Kitchens (who got me blogging in the first place).

The taller guys in the very back: Brian Fuller, Aaron Proctor, a space for Centinel, Frazgo.

Not pictured: The Sky Is Big In Pasadena, Alex Zucco (an FC Contributor), The Real Zajac

There’s also more coverage by Frazgo here on Metroblogging LA. Apparently that post was linked on MSNBC the other day - explaining another day of ridiculous web traffic for me.

Another group photo - by Frazgo

The pic is of the bloggers who willingly wanted to be shown on the net. That is the lovely Miss Havisham sitting on FCBlog co-owner, Centinel’s shoulder. To the right is equally invisible owner Publius. Invisible because no one knows who they are including those of us invited to post there know who they really are.

Speaking of bloggers - I found a really rockin’ blog out in Burbank called Valley of The Shadow. Thanks for the kind words!

**

We’re down to the #2 spot on my list of The Ten People Ruining Pasadena. Let’s go over what we’ve learned so far:

#10 gets crazy with Virginia Hoge.

#9 is straight outta North Pasadena with Joe Hopkins.

#8 wants money but won’t let you buy them lunch. The homeless of Pasadena.

There was something in the air that night, the stars were bright - Larry Wilson (#7)

#6 was too busy watching MTV to go out and vote on Election Day

#5 - Peter Dreier, whose beard is full of bong resin and potato chips

#4 makes me sick.

#3 kept me on hold for 72 minutes and transferred me 6 times.

And now……#2 on the list of The Ten People Ruining Pasadena. This next entry might not be a shock to most of you - the position on the list just might be a surprise, though:

Councilmember Steve “Maserati” Madison!

Ric Flair has Sting. Superman has Lex Luthor. Bugs Bunny has Elmer Fudd. Virginia Hoge has common sense. Everyone’s got their rival, their enemy, their arch-nemesis.

My arch-nemesis and product of all my polemics happens to have been a Councilmember for like the past 12 years now. His name is Steve Madison, he drives a Maserati, and he’s kind of a douchebag. I think, for the first time ever, other people in Pasadena are starting to see this as well.

It all began a long, long time ago in a land far, far away during the 2007 Election. Back when I was an eyeliner-wearing Goth kid who supported rent control running for Mizayor. Toward the end of the race, there was a debate over at the Neighborhood Church. Kelli and I arrived a little late and she accidentally went into the door for candidates with me. (It was a separate door from the spectators).

Unbeknownst to me at the time, Madison turned to Kells Bells and yelled at her “THIS DOOR IS FOR CANDIDATES ONLY!!!!!!!!!” Kelli was furious and snapped back with a comment explaining how she was with the Mayoral candidate.

Madison and I tried to bury the hatchet once or twice but all it ended up being was a dissertation from him about how I’m being “brainwashed” by the “right-wing” of Pasadena. Or how he didn’t like that I called his 20-something girlfriend a stripper because she looks like one. I guess he didn’t realize that I can think for myself and make my own choices and it was actually guys like him and Bogaard and stuff trying to exploit me for the benefit of Liberals. Oh - and I forgot to mention - I once sent him an Aaron Proctor pin as a peace offering - and he mailed it back to me.

So, the Sock on Madison campaign kind of started from all of that and never looked back. Here’s the real problem I have with Madison - he’s not an informed guy, he doesn’t really know what’s going on in Pasadena nor does he care because he puts his job before his constituents. He thinks of City Council as more of a playground than an actual important entity.

Last week at City Council, he had the audacity to make a joke about the electricity bill when Iron Maggie was just trying to figure out what she was actually voting on. A few weeks before that, he sent his henchman, Victor Gordo, out to try and make me apologize to Madison for claiming he was going to miss a month or so of City Council (after Gordo had sort of told me that’s what was going on). Madison can’t fight his own battles, claims he doesn’t read this website, and sends Moose from Riverdale after me.

So - after all of this - I think that definitely qualifies Madison to be on this list. When you’ve been elected to serve the people and blatantly disregard serving the people, you’re messing up the Crown City. Hopefully someone grows some balls and runs against him in 2011. That person would be my hero.

Wonder who’s gonna be #1 on this list? We’ll find out soon.
**

Better watch out..cause Sid’s a war machine…

It’s time for this week’s Sid Tyler Facts:

• When Sid Tyler wants an egg, he cracks open a chicken.
• The Monrovia Police originally thought someone had Sid Tyler in their trunk.
• Sid Tyler has a pet kitten - every night for a snack.
• Sid Tyler walked out of church when they were talking about the Rapture. He was overheard muttering “That’s not how I’m going to do it…”
• The Kama Sutra was originally known as “The Diary Of Sid Tyler”
• The real reason PBS has pledge drives is so they can hire protection from Sid Tyler. He’s not a fan of Upstairs, Downstairs.
• Sid Tyler uses staples as hair gel.
• Despite Sid Tyler’s rage, he is still just a Councilman in a cage.
• When in Rome, do what Sid Tyler does. Kill.
• Sid Tyler’s belly button is actually a power outlet.

Be seeing you,

- AP

You’re my girl, Maggie Mags. Did anyone else see her verbally bitchslap my arch-nemesis Steve Madison last night? You’re my hero, Margaret. Instead of making it a new rule in the City Council Drinking Game, can I buy you a beer? Or two? Or three? Seriously. Keep up the good work. I honestly don’t even know what the whole issue was about - I just saw you rip Madison’s manhood out like you were a female Sid Tyler or something. Want to be my tag team partner?

**

Saturday - Saturday - Saturday! It’s the fourth get-together of all the local bloggers. This time it’s personal…nahh..actually, it’s just in Monrovia. If you haven’t received the super secret special E-Vite, please let me know and I’ll send it to you right away. If you’d like to be in a PSA, let me know, too.

**

The Proc can’t get enough of Rene Amy’s PUSD listserv. Rene likes to post a lot of thought-provoking articles from various publications, like this one from over the weekend in the San Francisco (*vomits in mouth a little bit*) Chronicle:

1997 saw the height of the Math Wars in California.On the one side stood educrats, who advocated mushy math - or new-new
math. They sought to de-emphasize math skills, such as multiplication
and solving numeric equations, in favor of pushing students to write
about math and how they might solve a problem. Their unofficial motto
was: There is no right answer. (Even to 2 +2.)

They were clever. They knew how to make it seem as if they were pushing
for more rigor, as they dumbed down curricula. For example, they said
they wanted to teach children algebra starting in kindergarten, which
seemed rigorous, but they had expanded the definition of algebra to the
point that it was meaningless.

On the other side were reformers, who wanted the board to push through
rigorous and specific standards that raised the bar for all California
kids. Miraculously, they succeeded, and they took pride in the state
Board of Education’s vote for academic standards that called for all
eighth-graders to learn Algebra I.

Whatever happened to just solving for x like a normal human being would? I know I’m just some “unenlightened right-wing dummy from Pennsylvania” - but I got through math just fine and would like to think I have exemplary mathematics skills.

But what do I know?!?!?!?!?

Why should I have to write some hippie dissertation about what 2+2 means to me? How does solving for x make me “feel”? Who the hell cares. Just do the math problem and move on.

The teaching methods are so wussified these days. We need to support our children and give them a good education - but - why are we such nannies, such hand-holders, that we have to take math and make it more complicated and philosophical?

Silly people. Can’t wait until the debate about whether odd numbers can legally marry other odd numbers. Maybe PUSD could give me $11,000 to figure this out. It won’t be a conflict of interest or anything.

**

The Real Zajac has a beautiful article up over at Foothill Cities about a hot topic in the blogosphere as of late: racism. Zajac discusses how - although it’s stupid to be a racist, we shouldn’t be trying to ban a line of thinking because, hey, like or not - that’s pretty “1984″-esque (I didn’t link “1984″ because if you don’t know the book, get the fuck off of my blog. Is that being book-ist?). Miss Havisham also chimes in with a powerful and personal story.

The word racism gets thrown around an awful lot in the Crown City. People who make fun of Muir are apparently racist. People who don’t want to develop homes in an area prone to being blighted are apparently racist. People who don’t like Indian food are racist, apparently. Some of our City Council members and other officials are apparently racist.

Hoge: Likes to use the “r” word

I recently read (and was inspired by) an article by Edwin Decker at the San Diego City Beat. I know I’ve mentioned this particular article before but he has a really, really good point that a lot of people in their high and mighty soapboxes forget: Isn’t everyone a little racist or intolerant of something or someone?

I sure know I am. So, for those of enemies who wish to use this as fodder against me..or for those of you who want to simply be amused - here’s a small excerpt of things/people/places I’m possibly racist or intolerant against:

• White people who treat me differently after they find out my father is black and I’m not 100% white
• Greenpeace.
• Stoners and drug addicts.
• Companies that don’t do drug testing.
• Kids with 20 piercings and 50 million tattoos who wonder why they can’t get a decent job.
• Goth kids who charge a higher cover charge if you’re not in “Goth attire” to their shitty little clubs with crap bartenders and slutty women that nobody wants to go to anyway..so be happy I’m fucking paying even $10 to get into your hole in the wall, you pathetic slags.
• Goth kids.
• Surfers. They’re not so tough. Oooooh they beat up the paparazzi. So what? Larry Wilson’s a surfer, apparently. Says a lot right there.
• Charities who stand outside of the 99 Cents Store and ask you for money. I’m shopping at the fucking 99 Cents Store..do you think I have any money?!
• For English, Press 1.
• “Sex In The City“, “Lipstick Jungle“, “Real Housewives of…“, “Desperate Housewives“, the WNBA, “How I Met Your Mother” and “American Idol“
• Armenian guys who tell you their name is Kevin but it’s really Kevork or something.
• And the Armenians in North Pasadena Heights who key cars of whites/blacks in “their” neighborhood and stole my girlfriend’s antenna ball.
• Black people who treat me differently after they find out my father is black (whether they’re nicer to me or not, it’s just not cool..treat me like a fucking human being..)
• Skinny blonde bitches in Paris Hilton sunglasses who still talk with a Valley Girl accent
• Skinny blonde bitches
• Gay guys who get drunk and make out with chicks and grab their boobs and then pass it off for the alcohol and not just being bisexual or a whore. You hear me, Lance????
• Chicks who get drunk and make out with chicks… Wait, no, I actually don’t mind that.
• Lakers, Dodgers, Raiders, Cowboys fans. You know what I’m talking about.
• People who make fun of you for not driving - until gas hit $4.00/gallon.
• Starbucks and all places like Starbucks. Gimme some gas station coffee, I’m fine.
• Latinos who say “Viva La Raza”. Dude, it would be like a white guy saying “White power”.
• “Business casual”. Unless you’re lifting boxes or working in a warehouse or somewhere where you get dirty a lot, we all should have to wear suits to our office jobs.
• Alhambra.
• Any race or nationality or ethnicity (including White people) living in the US in 2008 who says racism is bad but then only hang out with, converse with, deal with, date, etc. the people only from their race/nationality/ethnicity.
• San Francisco.
• Hollywood is starting to get on my nerves, too.
• Most of the Midwest and Southern U.S….and Arizona….and Oregon…and Delaware..and all the other states except California or Pennsylvania. Anyone not on that list is “ok”. Las Vegas is an exception. Maryland’s ok.
• 60-year-old hippie ladies that come to work, don’t do any work, pretend they are your supervisor, regale you with boring stories about doing drugs and going to see The Doors and all of that “Can Do 1960’s Attutide”, work from 12 noon to 9:45 p.m. and then you come in the next morning and find out they didn’t do any work and have to finish what they did, hide work from you so that they can “stay late” and then complain when you’re reading a newspaper for a few minutes, talking to your co-worker about sports or music, or go out for a smoke break - and they have somehow worked there for 3 years without reprimand.
• People who bum cigarettes when they don’t have any but then are stingy with their cigarettes when they do.
• Tori Amos fans. Why are they always crazy bitches who slit their wrists? Seriously. Name one hardcore Tori Amos fan you know that isn’t crazy. If she owns a couple CD’s, she’s not a hardcore Tori Amos fan.

I’ll start watching when a chick dunks…

Oh yeah - and illegal immigrants. Big time on that one.

Immigrants, I’m fine with. If you came to this country LEGALLY and passed a citizenship test and all that jazz..rock on…welcome to America…unless your family were Native Americans or taken over here by ships from Africa, your family also likely came through Ellis Island or somethin’ like that. Yay.

People jumping over borders and just slipping into the US, I’m *not* fine with.

Let’s face facts: Canadians aren’t jumping over the borders to take advantage of our liberal welfare system which helps people who are drug addicts and also helps people who aren’t even citizens but can’t help an actual American dude like me who falls down on his luck. So, I don’t think it’s racist to point out that it’s the Mexicans who are the main part of the illegal immigration problem.

Illegal immigrants come here with their hands already out. Illegal immigrants come here and expect US to suddenly learn Spanish. They complain about our schools and our public services and things not catering to them…well….guess what? You’re not a fucking American. We shouldn’t cater to you if you are an illegal. They come here and - yeah, some of them do “the jobs nobody else wants to do” but some of them also commit crimes and help out their families in Mexico. The US isn’t some kind of developmental territory to make Mexico a better place, I’m sorry.

Then, we try to vote against giving them any benefits here…the vote passes..and our Supreme Court overturns the vote.

Pisses me off.

Guess that’s somehow racist though - racist that I want to protect our country’s security and that I don’t want people to get a free pass in life..because I never did.

People always want to have a “dialogue” or a “talk” about race… I’d sure love to engage in one. I think talking about race makes some people feel more uncomfortable than ever (but not me!). Especially if you’re white - or perceived to be white, that is. The point is - racism sucks, racism happens, racism is still apparent. You’re doing a counterproductive thing, though, when you throw the word around too much and on too many things. I’m not trying to get people to sing “Love One Another Right Now” or anything - but - we sure do have to lighten the fuck up a little bit. That’s all I’m sayin’…I think people should be more honest and say what’s really on their minds. We’d probably learn that everyone’s a little intolerant of someone or something..and that there’s many exceptions to the things they’re intolerant of…I know there’s quite a few to things I’ve listed.
**

Sid Tyler wants you to conserve water and will seriously hurt you if you don’t read this week’s Sid Tyler Facts:

• Sid Tyler can get blackjack with just one card.
• If you watch City Council meetings on an HD TV, Sid Tyler can actually reach into your living room and punch you in the face.
• Sid Tyler hates rich people. And he’s rich. And he also hates irony.
• Sid Tyler can split the atom. With his bare hands.
• Sid Tyler’s battle cry is “Bingo!”
• Sid Tyler once bench-pressed the state of Ohio - and all of its residents.
• What’s black and white and red all over? Sid Tyler’s newspaper after the paperboy talked some trash.
• Sid Tyler can walk, chew gum, and kick ass all at the same time.
• After Monday’s meeting, Margaret McAustin can’t stop staring at Sid Tyler.
• Sid Tyler makes onions cry.

Shiiiiit (is that racist, Virginia?)

- AP

Letters…we get letters…we get stacks and stacks of letters……

Feedback is always appreciated from the fans and readers of this blog. Once in a while, though, The Proc gets something so totally hilarious - I just have to post it. Take for instance, this fellow, who e-mailed me under the name Donald Head from the e-mail address victory_music51@hotmail.com:

Yo’ your a faget biatch, badmouthing graff and shit, i hope someone lays the verbal smack down in your verbal oraphice bitch, seriously, your so cool bud, most electrifyingly gay man i’ve ever heard of. Go die please

IP: 75.155.19.244

It took me like 20 minutes to figure out what this gentleman was painting with his beautiful word picture. Then, I realized I had just bought my brand new PUSD English-To-English Translator, on sale from Steve Lizardo for just 3 installments of $19.95:

You are incorrigible with the condescending way you speak of graffiti. My fellow colleagues and I feel that it is an art form. I hope someone could debate with you the merits of the urban graffiti phenomenon.

Someone didn’t like me talking shit about graffiti. I think I’ve got something to cure that. Take two of these and call me in the morning:

I’m surprised the dude used e-mail instead of tagging a dumpster with his feelings. It’s one thing to come on The Proc’s show and insult the Most Electrifying Man In Pasadena - but - Jesus Christ - this is the most laughable “threatening e-mail” I’ve seen in a while. I’m sorry that I “badmouthed” graffiti. What I meant to say was: Only faggers are taggers.
**

According to “Mr. Thursday Morning” Andre Coleman in this week’s PW, obstetricians and gynecologists are big fans of Fat Tony. So, I guess that mean’s his next opponent, my buddy Brian Fuller, has no shot, right?

Wrong.

Star Wars Characters Love Brian Fuller!

**

As you all read, Steve Madison once again didn’t show up for a meeting on Monday. And as you may or may not read in the PW, it was kinda important for him to be there. The Ad Hoc Committee on Youth Violence or whatever it’s called this week was disbanded to be replaced with a three-member “Youth, Families, and Neighborhoods Committee”. I’m laughing at that name right now because it seems a little too inclusive. At least Young Jacque is finally chairing somethin’.

Why El Pollo Gordo didn’t want to serve on the new committee is one question - I’ll just assume he’s still getting heat from Madison for the whole absence thing and they aren’t buddies any more. Maybe Victor is trying to focus on his upcoming reelection campaign and how to not barely lose to a candidate who doesn’t speak English?

They’re looking for a third member and nobody’s really jumping all over each other to be the third member. Why not just make the entire committee Sid Tyler? He’s three times the man, any way. Or how about a tag team of Haderlein & Tyler? We could call them “Vicious & Delicious”?

I think I might know who the third man is.

People should listen to me more often. Photo by Frank Girardot.

Whatever the dealy-o is, I’m sure everyone really thinks this new committee is real important and is going to do a lot of work. Heh. Or maybe people just realize how vague this new committee’s name is? I mean, if it focuses on families, can one come to the committee for some help when they get grounded? Maybe the whole thing is just created for Madison to showcase some brand new garish ties?
We’ll find out what happens the next time some kid gets capped and the committee is “all over the issue”. Until then, posture away for 2009 and 2011, gentlemen.

Take a shot whenever a bullshit committee is formed.

**

I’m probably the last person to check in about this whole thing - but the story about 9th Circuit Judge Alex Kozinski here in Pasadena is hilarious. The trial he’s on is being suspended because he’s got his own website full of bestiality pics and other crazy shit that would make my old roommate blush.

Something this AP will tell you that the other AP won’t is that he’s actually working on a new porno film called “Activist Judges“. He’s in a three way donkey fellatio scene fucking Sandra Day O’Connor while a posthumous William Rehnquist watches.

I’m sure this judge will simply be given $5 million to leave town. Where’s McAustin and Haderlein during all of this?

**

June 11th was a record breaking day here at proctorformayor.com. The record for most hits and pageviews in a day was shattered - one that had been in place since June 25, 2007 - the day Chris Benoit decided to put a permanent Crippler Crossface on himself and his entire family. Thanks to everyone who came to the site and to everyone who reads the bullshit I put on here everyday.
**

Edwin Decker knows what the hell he’s talking about down at the San Diego City Beat. In his article, “The Good Bigot” he channels Avenue Q (Larry Wilson’s second favorite musical) and talks about how everyone’s just a little bit racist or prejudiced. Hell, even I’m a “patriotic love-it-or-leave-it” guy and I agree with what he’s talking about: isn’t everybody intolerant of something?

I mean, it would be nice if we could all stand in a circle, sing something from the 60’s, and join together - but that’s not the case. No way am I going to hold hands with some dude who looks like Jerry Only from the Misfits.

**

I bet you thought I forgot - but I always save the eggs for last. This week’s Ham And Egger Award takes a little bit of a different (but not too surprising) approach.

I’m a forward-thinker, I think ahead. Some people call that being an alarmist, I call it being a visionary. With that said, I’m giving out a pre-emptive award this week, of sorts.

Your lucky winner, who will probably receive this on his first or second day of the job - is brand new Pasadena political reporter for the Pasadena Star-News, Earl Abdenschieb.

Congrats, Earl!

McCain may have called his wife a “cunt” according to a new book. That just makes me want to vote for him all the more.

Be seeing you,

- AP

You know, and I’ve said this before, I really miss the Saturday mornings I grew up with.  A few hours of cartoons leading into a ton of hours of pro-wrestling from all over the US.

Luckily, YouTube (a subsidiary of Google) has a lot of full episodes of some of my favorite 80’s cartoons.  Thank God (also a subsidiary of Google).

I’m not a fan of the new cartoons out there for kids.  They’re so spoiled with their damn computer animation and blocks and blocks of cable channels devoted to just cartoons.  There’s one new show I just am excited about seeing, though.

Super Pasadena Friends!
Check out the video at this link.

…and don’t forget to check out some of the new rules in the City Council Drinking Game.

- AP

I was having some fun the other day, so I mailed this stick figure drawing to Mayor Bill Bogaard:

The bubble reads “I don’t think this is too appropriate, Mr. Proctor” 

A few days later, I got this reply from the Man Himself (and yes, it was actually from the Mayor and not one of his assistants). I don’t think he liked the drawing too much:

**

I don’t know if a lot of you are aware of this but our favorite District 6 Councilman, Steve “Maserati” Madison is apparently going to be phoning in to City Council meetings for the next month or two because he’s going to be out of town for business-related purposes (not Pasadena-related purposes).

Steve, whose absence from the big smoking meeting was really suspect, phoned in to this past Monday’s game of grab ass between PUSD and the Council. According to Victor Gordo, he’s going to be doing this for quite some time and, again according to El Pollo Gordo, it totally counts as if Steve were in the room with his stupid lavender ties and boxes he brings from his law firm.

Am I the only person who has a problem with this? Sure it helps that I don’t like Madison, like, at all - but still - I mean…in the words of “Arrested Development’s” G.O.B. Bluth: “COME ON!”

Steve is going to be away apparently on some type of assignment or case or cocaine run or whatever for his law firm, Quinn Emanuel. I know the guy has kids and an ex-wife to feed and that “paltry” $1200 a month stipend he gets for being a Councilman isn’t enough..but seriously? Madison was a former Federal Prosuector. Dude also got like $6 million in some case against Occidental College. He doesn’t have money piled up for emergencies or anything? (save for buying a Maserati, of course).

Gordo said that if we didn’t let people work full-time, we’d only be electing rich, old retired people (like Tyler & Bogaard) to Council. I guess Gordo forgets that there’s working people who run for office, too. Like me. Give me $1200 a month and watch that shit stretch. I don’t even think I make $1200 a month now.

I’m not knocking the guy for being successful - I think people in this country are often penalized too harshly for being successful. But being successful also doesn’t mean you have to be a dick. Madison’s priorities are obviously this: 1. Steve Madison, 2. Pasadena. I’m sorry, but the second you take that oath of office, your #1 priority is your District and your Community. I don’t care what kind of fancy-schmancy lawyer you are. You don’t have time to serve the community? You just want to literally “phone it in” every Monday? Then don’t be a fucking Councilman.

I don’t think phone-ins to City Council should count as being there. I mean, imagine the shit Jacque Robinson would be getting if she was calling in from home every week while eating a bowl of cereal in her She-Ra pajamas, watching “McMillian & Wife” on mute. Imagine if you told your boss that you’d be staying home or going elsewhere every Monday but you’d be “phoning in” from work. You’d be fired, right?
There is no such thing as a part-time Councilman. I really think we should get the ball rolling to recall this guy and get someone up there who is going to serve their community. I mean, I don’t even live in District 6, but this isn’t right for the City of Pasadena. This dude wants to run for Mayor in 2011 if Bogaard doesn’t run?! He’s got to be out of his damn mind.

Let’s recall his Maserati driving ass. In the meanwhile, Steve, you’re this week’s proud recipient of….you guessed it…the Ham And Egger Award:

Bon appetit, assclown.

**

I haven’t done a Top Ten List in a while, huh? Here’s one for you all to enjoy:

TOP TEN REJECTED AARON PROCTOR TOP TEN LISTS

10. Top Ten Pasadena Street Names With The Words Sierra, Madre, or Villa
9. Top Ten Things I’ve Seen Carved Into The Seat In Front Of Me On The 181 Bus
8. Top Ten Joe Hopkins Pick Up Lines
7. The Other Top Ten Stupid-Ass Things Dennis Farina Has Done
6. Top Ten Dreams I’ve Had About Margaret McAustin
5. Top Ten Things In My Refrigerator
4. Top Ten Pasadena City Council Porn Movie Titles
3. Top Ten Ways I’d Beat Some Sense Into Fred Ortega
2. Top Ten Flavors Of Baskin-Robbins I’d Fill The Stanley Cup With
1. Top Ten Armenian Variations Of The Phrase “Hey Bro”
**

The Aaron Proctor Interview Series rocks with Bill Bibbiani today. Bill is a former member of the PUSD School Board and is now just retired and chillin’ up in North Pasadena Heights. The Proc met with “Bib” and he graciously took on The Most Electrifying Man In Pasadena’s line of questioning:

The Proc: What have you been up to?

Bill Bibbiani: I know it sounds like a bad country song but my life now revolves around grandkids, gardening and old British motorcycles.  I’m also a devoted follower of buspirates.com.

The Proc: I heard you were an English teacher. You ever read “The Outsiders” by S.E. Hinton? Stay gold, Pony Boy.

Bib: No, but I have been a semicolon for 30 years.

The Proc: If Billy has 3 pencils and Johnny has 2 pencils, how higher are taxes are going to go so they can have 5 pencils a piece?

Bib: They both have too many pencils. If the GOP wins again in November, they will be
confiscated or pawned.

The Proc: You like motorcycles. Do you ever act like you’re in the movie “Easy Rider“?

Bib: More like Two Lane Blacktop or The Wild One. The only scene I recall in Easy Rider was the poor bastard hippies walking in circles scattering seeds on rocks somewhere in New Mexico. Btw, the difference between a bastard and a poor bastard is that a poor bastard has a kind heart.

The Proc: Remember that chick who ran against you with the Russian accent? Didn’t she sound like Natasha from “Rocky & Bullwinkle“?

Bib: Yes, but she is very smart.

The Proc: Do you get free zuccini bread from PUSD board member Bob Harrison now?

Bib: I won’t go there …

The Proc: Let’s grab a beer. I’ll buy if you fly.

Bib: Just walk down the hill and pick up a six pack at Rite Aid. We can sit in my back yard and admire my tomatoes and Nortons. I’ll be the godfather and if you catch her in the right mood, Janet might feed you.

(The Proc’s note: I no longer live up the hill from Bibbiani)

The Proc: Aren’t you glad you’re not part of the train wreck known as PUSD any more?

Bib: Yes, but it’s more of a shipwreck and they’re still moving the deck chairs.

The Proc: Do you think Barney Rubble was a bad influence on Fred Flinstone?

Bib: Everyone needs a willing Stooge.

The Proc: Has a kid ever given you an apple and you said “Screw this, where’s my bourbon”?

Bib: Never got an apple or any other gift but I was the recipient of some amazing threats. For example, “we bomb your house and drag your name in the gutterrrrrrrrrr.” from a family whose son could not pass the profiency test that I wrote. My response to them was their son Hrant was “You can Hrant and Hrave all you want but he still doesn’t pass.”

The Proc: Which was more boring? “War and Peace” or the The Kahlenberg Report?

Bib: This is a hard one. War and Peace was an easier read.

The Proc: Isn’t this smoking ban pretty lame?

Bib: Yes, although I’ve never had cigarette in my life. Even my hippie friends stopped offering stuff in the ’60s because I simply do not know how to smoke. I’d either burn my lips or choke on the smoke.

The Proc: Gonna run for office again?

Bib: No. But, my 400 member motorcycle club has been compared to Cuba in a national bike magazine because… “it’s run by a bearded dictator, has no elections and fewer rules and depends on old vehicles.”

The Proc: Favorite candy bar as a kid?

Bib: Almond Joy

The Proc: I think Ed Honowitz is trying to steal your hair style.

Bib: Haven’t noticed. I lost my hair for religious reasons. Repeated slaps to my forehead while muttering “Jaysuss” have worn all the hair off the front and top.

The Proc: Remember that guy Steve Madison?

Bib: Who? (Wasn’t he one of the two members who did not endorse me in the last election?)

The Proc: Isn’t it awesome when Von’s has Double Coupons and then you have more coupons from the LA Times and then when you go to the store, your total is
orginially like $250 but you walk out of there paying $95?

Bib: I just think it is a sad commentary on the times.

**

Bib is a fun guy and I really wish he had won re-election last year. However, it seems like he’s enjoying not being anywhere near the PUSD sinkhole - so good on him.

Be seeing you and don’t forget to send in your rules for the City Council Drinking Game and questions for Dear Mr. Proc.

- AP

The June 3rd election is quickly approaching and it’s about time The Most Electrifying Man In Pasadena gave his choices.

44th Assembly District

Here’s Anthony Portantino Telling Someone To “Go Get His Fucking Shinebox”

Here in the 44th Assembly District - or the “Foety-Foe” as we call it on the streets - there’s quite a stranglehold held on us by one Anthony “Fat Tony” Portantino. So much that even his Wikipedia article was hacked the other day. I’m sure that person will be wearing cement shoes quite soon. Anthony wouldn’t even give me my cut of the Lufthansa heist. By the way, Tony, I want 5 on Dartmouth.

Anthony might be from Long Branch, New Jersey and work in “waste management” but that doesn’t stop his bright-eyed and bushy-tailed challenger, one Brian Fuller.

Brian’s a Republican, he has youth (the kids seem to like that even though they forget to go out and vote), deep local roots, and a whole lot of common sense.

Straight from the elephant’s mouth when asked what his campaign is about:

It is about quality of life and how we can improve it: budget (education is in the mix as budget talks run into that big elephant in the room), freeways, gerrymandering and illegal immigration. As I am not flush with cash nor have the favorable demographics, I have to conduct a campaign that chooses its moves judiciously (thank you gerrymandering!).

Sounds good enough to me. I’ll be voting for the underdog, Brian Fuller, on June 3rd.

**

29th Congressional District

Not that Adam Schiff…

Welcome to the Two-Nine. Man, does it suck to have Adam Schiff as your Congressman. I mean, the only thing cool about the dude is that he shares the same name as a character on Law & Order from back in the day. Not only does the guy personify the term “limousine-liberal”, he’s made acting like a dick “cool” for the people who work below him, namely Pasadena City Council Members.

Adam Schiff has never once - once - returned a phone call to me - either as a plain old constituent of his OR a politician. Schiff’s a pretty unreliable dude and sources tell me he’s dumber than a bag of nails. Plus he’s got every single Democrat politican and Democrat newspaper on his jock.

What the PSN won’t really tell you, though, is that Adam actually has an opponent in June. His name is Charles Hahn. He’d like to be your Congressman in the 29th. I had the pleasure of meeting Charles at the last PRC dinner. Very nice guy.

Dude wants to get rid of inheritance taxes, stop runaway production in the movie industry (”Take that shit back to Hollywood!” as one of my District 1 friends says quite often), and lower health care costs. Fine and dandy. This is what really caught my eye, though, from his bio page:

Age 38

Cool: youth. I like that.

Married to Dr. Heidi Park, DDS for 6 years

Maybe if he gets elected, he can help fix my teeth?

Daughter, Nicole Hahn, 3 years old, who likes ballet and tap dancing

That’s cool.

Graduated UCLA, with a degree in Spanish Literature

I’m a USC fan, but that’s ok..nobody’s perfect.

Black Belts in Judo, Jiu Jit-Tsu, and Tae Kwon Do

Ok..ok…this is my 2nd favorite thing on the guy’s bio. Hahn vs. Sid Tyler - oh my god, imagine the possibilities.

Fluent in Four Languages

That’ll help out a lot, actually.

Self Employed Financial Advisor

I like the fact he’s not a former Federal Prosecutor.

Favorite Food: Cheese Burgers!

YES! There it is. Dude likes cheeseburgers. How can you NOT vote for him!?

**

Props 98 & 99

According to Joe Piasecki’s bleeding heart wussy Liberal article in the Pasadena Weekly, voting “Yes” on Proposition 98 would be like making out with Satan himself. Here’s the truth about Prop 98, though, that you won’t hear from the liberal media in Pasadena:

• First of all, none of us will ever have to hear that disgusting phrase “rent control” ever again. I mean, I was a staunch supporter of rent control before I got the real facts. Rent control ruins communities and would ruin Pasadena. Socialist Sacramento won’t be able to tell property owners what price they can sell or rent their properties.
• If you own a home, the People’s Republic of Pasadena just can’t take it from you and decide to build a “Urban Shopping Center” which will be torn up in a year and filled with graffiti and drugs.
• The government can’t take residential property and simply turn it into “government housing”.

So, I’m voting Yes on Prop 98 and No on Prop 99. If you believe in free enterprise and believe in America and don’t want neighborhoods destroyed by that ugly “rent control” word, I urge you to do the same. I also find it funny how the people telling me to vote “No” on Prop 98 are the people who laughed at me when I brought up “rent control” during my campaign. Just goes to show you who the hypocrites are in Pasadena. *coughs*Democrats*Coughs*.
For more on Prop 98, please visit this link.

**

Yes, gentlemen, this chick is a reporter. Very hot but the PSN’s dress code comes into question.

The Aaron Proctor Interview Series continues today with a most interesting guest. The Proc met up with Pasadena Star-News “Adventure Girl” reporter Michelle Mills (better known as last year’s Queen of the Doo Dah parade) and had a few drinks, all the while asking her a lot of very important questions.
The Proc: Which is more dangerous? Jumping out of an airplane or eating at the Hometown Buffet on Rosemead?

Michelle Mills: I’d rather take my chances jumping out of an airplane- that goes double if the pilot is cute!

The Proc: Sneak into Frank Girardot’s desk and get me a burbon on the rocks.

MM: No can do. Frank’s a Jack Daniels man - Gentleman Jack, that is - a real man’s drink. If that doesn’t make you happy, I might still have some tequila left in the flask I hide in my cleavage.

The Proc: After becoming Queen of the Doo Dah parade, do you have bigger aspirations? Rose Parade Grand Marshal? Balloon of yourself in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade? Guest star on “Law & Order: SVU”?

MM: Is there anything bigger than being the Queen of the 31st Occasional Doo Dah Parade? Perhaps touring as the lead vocalist of hard rock/heavy metal band or riding my ‘65 Triumph Daytona Special chopper wherever the road calls or perhaps dancing with my swords on “Monster Garage“? Oh yeah… I’ve done that..

The Proc: Why is Brendan Fraser usually in the absolute worst films?!

MM: Hmmmm… that’s a good question, as I don’t recall seeing him on the set when I worked the Troma film, “Free Ride.” It was a motorcyle beach vampire flick and I was the only one of the cast who survives. It was so bad that you can’t even find it in the 99-cent bin at the video store.

The Proc: Which of my follow pick-up lines will work on you? First one is: “Nice tiara. Wanna fuck?”

MM: Not so much…. but at least you’re somewhat honest and I do like that in a guy, although that “Electrifying” thing is sorta scary. Can I bring my whip?

The Proc: How about “Want to grab a late edition of the Saturday Evening Post?”

MM: What are you? Some old pervert in a knit sweater and red sneakers?

The Proc: What are some of your favorite TV shows?

MM: I’m not big on TV - there’s so many other better things to do - but I admit that I’m partial to “Jeopardy” and I have to watch “NCIS” because my mother calls me to talk about it. She says, “You know, the guy with the pretty eyes, well he… ” and if I miss the show I don’t know who the heck she’s talking about! “Family Guy” is pretty fun too. Oooo! and “Numb3rs” because it’s filmed at Caltech!

The Proc: You should do a new column called “Less Than Adventure Girl”. You can do things like stand on your head for 20 seconds, cut out coupons, and go to the DMV and then tell us all about it.

MM: I’ll share your suggestion with my editor when I take a break from diving with sharks, driving race cars and hanging with rock stars.

The Proc: Is Councilman Steve Madison smarter than a fifth grader?

MM: His diploma says so, but I’ll do the math if we ever split the bill for lunch.

The Proc: As Queen of the Doo Dah Parade, can you declare war on South Pasadena? I mean, any place that has a Pavilion’s and a Von’s right next to each other is totally fucked in the head.

MM: South Pasadena is already akin to a war zone with it’s poorly maintained roads and lack of streetlights. I’d rather give the town what it really needs- a big hug and some new asphalt.

The Proc: Where have all the cowboys gone?

MM: They’re up on their fences. (I heard that from the Eagles).

The Proc: Do all the ladies at the PSN miss Todd Ruiz?

MM: Oh yes, Aaron, they just sit at their desks glumly pining away for him all day… sigh….

The Proc: Is (PSN reporter) Jeanette Williams really Diana Rigg?

MM: It’s quite possible. I have spotted a pair of white platform boots under her desk.

The Proc: I’ve asked this to people before. Give me two true facts and one fake fact about yourself. Not in that order, either.

MM: I drank the entire Mt. San Antonio College Flying Team under the table. I was 86′d from the 35er for three months. I sang a duet of “Green Manalishi” with Rob Halford of Judas Priest.

The Proc: Am I wrong for wanting to punch mimes in the face?

MM: No, mimes and clowns scare me too. But snakes are cool.

The Proc: You know how that new business that sells office furniture just opened across the street from the PSN? Doesn’t that store need a more creative name than “Office Furniture”?

MM: At least you know what they sell. Crate and Barrel is very misleading….

The Proc: Speaking of things around the PSN, you know the talking walk signals at Lake & Colorado? Wouldn’t they be way funnier if they were in Huell Howser’s voice?

MM: Even better if they were in Darth Vader’s voice!

The Proc: This question was a derogatory question about Larry Wilson and has been removed.

MM: Thank you. Larry’s a pretty cool guy and I like working with him.

The Proc: Who would win in a fight between the lead singer of Cinderella and the lead singer of Night Ranger?

MM: Let’s see, Cinderella hails from Philly, while Night Ranger came from San Francisco… My bet is gonna go on Motley Crue.

The Proc: Do you feel discriminated against when people ask if blondes or brunettes have more fun?

MM: Heck no~ everyone knows redheads rock!

The Proc: Remember when kids used to have to make dioramas for book reports in grade school? I miss making those.

MM: Oooo, I loved making those too, especially for my dead Japanese beetle, butterfly and dragonfly collection.

The Proc: What do you think of the blogosphere?

MM: Why? What are the bloggers saying about me?

The Proc: Ever hear that local Goth band Demonika & The Darklings? Aren’t they pretty terrible?

MM: I don’t care for their sound, but I have to admire their tenacity and ability to always have a gig somewhere.

The Proc: Follow-up question: Isn’t every Goth band (post 1987) pretty terrible?

MM: Most are too commercial for my taste, but I am a fan of Cradle of Filth and Lacuna Coil.

The Proc: Board games. “Trouble” or “Sorry”?

MM: “Battleship.”

The Proc: Remember the days before cell phones when people actually had to memorize or write down phone numbers?

MM: Omigawd, you mean I can stop carrying that address book in my purse?!

The Proc: What’s the best blog in Pasadena run by a former Mayoral candidate whose initials are A.P.?

MM: Hmmm… Could it be “The Adventures of Aaron Proctor”?

MM (cont’d): Thank you for inviting me for an interview. It is a pleasure and an honor to be included in your series. And super thanks for not stiffing me with the tab from our more-than-three-martini lunch!

Your readers are invited to learn more about me at www.insidesocal.com/doodah and Mickie’s Zoo. They can read my journalistic efforts at www.sgvn.com and www.dabelly.com. And lastly, learn where I’m dancing next at www.almasearabesque.com.

**

Hey, as much bad as I say about the PSN (and I say a LOT of bad things about the PSN), at least they have some cool people over there. Except Fred Ortega. He’s a ham and egger.

Tomorrow: Robert Parry joins the Series. Robert keeps the politicos in line over in Monrovia - so I don’t have to.

Any time the City Council gladhands PUSD, take a shot. You’ll be drunk tonight.

Happy Monday,

- AP

Liberty and justice - for anti-smokers only.

Yep, humanoids, that’s what it really feels like right now in the Crown City after Monday’s Council meeting. Even Chris Holden didn’t have the balls to vote “no” on this whole ordeal. Instead, he “abstained” from voting. Steve Madison was out of town in New Jersey on business - I guess it’s just a big coincidence he was 3,000 miles away so when the business community comes down on him in his District, he can say he wasn’t even there to vote on the damn thing.

I really am figuring out this whole liberal “progressive” movement, or at least the definiton of it. And you know what? These limo liberals aren’t that much different than the Christian right wing. Hear me out for a minute.

A lot of these people who want to ban smoking are the same granola covered bozos who want to be able to drive after smoking their medical marijuana. They’re the same people who say the government should stay out of their business when two dudes want to get married or some chick wants to have an abortion. (For the record, I support gay marriage and a woman’s right to choose - if you’re a true Republican, you support people’s personal freedoms.) Yet, when there’s something they DON’T like, they’re like “Please, please, Mr. and Mrs. Big Government, please invade THEIR personal freedoms.”

Much like the Christian right wing - who are mostly Republicans - support the elimination of big government - except when it comes to gay marriage and abortion and marijuana legalization/decriminalization. They only want big government when it’s something they don’t like, when it’s something that offends their religion.

Either way - and this might be a bold statement to some and you might not agree 100% and if that’s the case, then fuck you - if you support gay marriage, if you support a woman’s right to choose, then you’re a hypocrite for supporting Pasadena’s smoking ban. And don’t give me that “but smoking hurts others” bullshit. You’re MURDERING a child when you abort one.

I’ve received a bunch of e-mails about this topic and I’d like to cut and paste some people’s statements. Let’s go to my friend Anonymous, from Pasadena, CA:

I am in total agreement with you on this…….I am most worried when these breakdowns of personal liberties end. Look, I don’t smoke, it helped kill my mother, it’s expensive and yucky- to ME- but it’s a choice.

There are ways to plenty of ways to avoid it if you want to. Alcohol kills, and you know what happened when they tried to stop it in the 30s. If cigarettes become black market, the repercussions and crime associated with it could be worse than for crack.

Bad council. They’re not looking at the big picture. They just want to look good IN the picture.

Glad to see you out there last night. It is now your responsibility to reach out to younger folks like yourself through your blog and get ‘em interested in community affairs by any means necessary!! You’re in a good position here.

Thank you. I, for one, am not going to sit back while the City of Pasadena - or any other place - infringes on other’s rights to begin with. What the fuck do I say over and over again? Oh yeah, that local politics is far more important than national politics. Why? Because things like this get overlooked quite often on a national scope (mostly because we’re the state that’s like that disgusting kind of luncheon meat you get in the store with the cheese already in it while every other state is just regular bologna).

How about this awesome comment from none other than my mother, Beatrice Proctor - she was St. Louis born and raised and has been a resident of Philadelphia for decades now:

Wow! What a controversy smoking is making out there. I guess you may just have to go back to “Dirt Cheap” country, where the “persecuted smoker” is treated with some respect!!! LOL! Yes, with major, major issues like, what do we do when food gets so expensive we can’t eat? OR what do we do when gasoline gets even more expensive and we can’t drive to work (and there is no mass transportation out our way)? who really cares if you or anyone else smokes while waiting on their bus and GOING TO WORK, by the way, or by an ATM, while you are GETTING OUT MORE MONEY FOR FOOD OR GAS? I don’t like smoking, but I really cannot, as an American, feel comfortable about some of the laws certain areas want to enforce.

Even my mom, not even slightly a fan of smoking, thinks this is crazy. But what does she know, right? I mean, she doesn’t live in California, so she doesn’t know “how hard we have it out here”. Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit.

I find it so funny that we want to be so much like Santa Monica because when I was running for Mayor and I had that crazy idea for rent control (which I even know doesn’t fucking work), people said they didn’t want to turn Pasadena into Santa Monica.

Well guess what - you are doing just that with this ordinance.

I also just wanted to also tell you all a little something about this website called nosmokingpasadena.com. First of all, if it’s not anything else, it’s a poster child for the limo liberal agenda in Pasadena. Notice how the title of the website doesn’t say “Ban smoking in Pasadena in public eating areas” - it just says “Ban smoking in Pasadena”. A lot of you don’t understand - these people want to ban smoking EVERYWHERE. Inside, outside, in your living room, out on your porch, etc. Moves like City Council made just got them closer to doing that.

And why is it that every ham and egger with a shitty idea has an even shittier website? Seriously. I mean, I know hippies still have a lot of acid and LSD in their veins - but come on - one of them has to know at least some basic HTML, right?

What a bunch of babies. If you go through this website, you’ll see that they support that stupid warning on movies now that you’ll be watching scenes where people are SMOKING.

Like I said, these fucktards don’t really make any sense. Let’s legalize pot but ban smoking. Let’s have the government stay out of our personal business unless someone else’s personal business offends us.

I’d better go find some petition papers. I want to ban skinny blond bitches who can’t name the two Senators from California who hang out at the Paseo. They are poisoning society and really, really annoying me.

There are some fucking idiots in this town, I swear.

**

John McCain and that bitch who is running for President are both proposing a Gas Tax Holiday, truly a most retarded idea.

Their idea, though, isn’t really completely the worst idea I’ve ever heard - especially when it comes to stimulating the local, Pasadena economy:

TOP TEN REJECTED WAYS TO STIMULATE PASADENA’S ECONOMY

10. $1 Victor Gordo rides

9. All roads leading out of Pasadena are closed under mysterious circumstances
8. City Council Meetings on Mondays - and then - for $15 - a special after-dark all-nude City Council meeting.
7. Last call is upheld by Council, leading to Kevin Uhrich single-handedly saving Pasadena from economic crisis by moving the Pasadena Weekly to the 35er.
6. New billboards: “Buy something or Sid Tyler will bitchslap your children”
5. Every time you pass Colorado Blvd., the City gives you $200.
4. City opens new Old Town valet service with lower prices called “Denva Lanes Valet Pizarking”
3. Pasadena finally gets a football team…..but it’s a Canadian Football League team.
2. City tells residents to just go mug people in San Marino and South Pas
1. Whole Foods starts selling edible food
**

The Aaron Proctor Interview Series is back.  Yeah, City Council members and other City officials have been taking super long getting back to The Proc’s questions.  I guess they’re “busy” with their “important jobs” so much that they can’t give the Most Electrifying Man In Pasadena the time of day.

So, The Proc went upstairs.

Wayyyyyyyyyy upstairs.

Jesus Christ took time out of His more-busy-than-any-of-you-schedule to sit down with me and answer some questions.

The Proc: What’s up?

Jesus Christ:  The sky.  The stars.  Me.  (chuckling)  I love that joke.

The Proc: Who are you going to vote for in the 2008 Presidential Election?

JC:  I have long hair, wear robes and sandals, and talk about peace on earth.  Ralph Nader all the way.

The Proc:  What do you think of Steve Madison?

JC:  Love thy neighbor, Proctor.  He is kind of a douche, though.

The Proc:  Why was “Knot’s Landing” on for so long?

JC:  Dad really liked that show.

The Proc:   Do you ever hang around the gynasium?

JC:  Hah.  “Airplane!” joke.  Very funny, Proctor.

The Proc:  What’s the most annoying hymn with your name in it?
JC:  I’m going to have to go with “O Holy Night” just because people either sing it really great or totally butcher it.  Second choice would be anything from “Godspell“.
The Proc:   You try one of those $5 footlongs at Subway yet?

JC:  They’re a rip off.

The Proc:   Do you get mad when I use the “f-word” a lot?

JC:  It’s cool, man. People really think I get up in arms about that stuff. I’m more worried about you guys killing each other off than someone using profanity. You’re not even saying my Dad’s name in vain.

The Proc:   Which was your favorite chick on “Three’s Company”?

JC:  All of them were great.  I even liked Chrissy’s country-bumpkin cousin.

The Proc:  What’s your favorite bog in Pasadena?
JC:  Nice try.  Foothill Cities do a great job.  Still can’t figure out who Centinel is.

The Proc:  Thanks for taking the time out of your extremely busy schedule to answer some of my questions.

JC:  Whatevs.  No biggie.  See you in 16 and a half months, Mr. Proctor.

The Proc:  What?!?!

**
Nice guy.

Hopefully I can get some more actual Pasadenans in this series, soon.  I’m trying my hardest.

You can love thy neighbor (being me, that is) and sign my petition or buy something from my store.

Keep those suggestions coming for the City Council Drinking Game.

Until tomorrow…be seeing you,

- AP

Inspired by Susan Kitchens’ rendering of Jacque Robinson, based upon my rant yesterday, I made this picture of Councilman Gordo:

Speaking of picking on City Council - the popularity of my City Council Drinking Game has grown quite a bit. Just in time for Cinco De Mayo, I’ve converted the City Council Drinking Game into a special section of this very website. Click here to check out the rules and to submit your own ideas!

**

Anybody see Law & Order: SVU last night? It was a big fucking deal because the sometimes-hilarious, sometimes-annoying Robin Williams guest starred last night - doing his typical “I can play a creepy guy in a dramatic role and even impress The Proc” shebang.

The hook wasn’t even Robin’s performance, which was actually pretty good and left me on the edge of my sofa seat. The actual kicker was another cameo that surprised any of us over 25 years old: Joyce DeWitt playing a nurse in a hospital.

You’re probably thinking to yourself “Damn, Proc, you so crazy. Who da fuck is Joyce DeWitt?” (if you live in Northwest Pasadena) and “Mr. Proctor, your general delusions of grandeur about uncertain actors will never be solved - even in the fullness of time.” (if you live in West Pasadena).

Joyce DeWitt is none other than the chick who played Janet on “Three’s Company“. That was pretty cool to see her. Maybe that episode will win an Emmy?
**

I finally got around to mailing the actual Ham & Egger Awards out to the three winners so far. I sent one to last week’s winner Joe Hopkins (with a fake return address), the week before’s Joe Piasecki, and the inaugural Ham & Egger himself, Fred Ortega.

Apparently Fred is pretty damn proud of his mediocre and lackluster work as K-Todd’s replacement. Here’s a picture of him taken by Frank Girardot, his co-worker and Crime Scene blogger:

Don’t smile, it’s not a compliment. Button your shirt’s top button, Fred. You’re at work, not a home. And clean up that pile of papers to your left! Does your mother work at the PSN? Unless your mother is Larry Wilson?
**

If you know letters A through B, you probably aren’t going to school in Pasadena
Dormitas is pretty pissed about the PUSD wanting more money from us taxpayers and I don’t blame him one bit. I hate when public schools say they need funding to make the schools better, proceed to take our money, and then do an even shittier job.

I wish a politician would have the testicles to say the following: Let’s face it, some kids are just stupid. Maybe it’s because they’re born that way, maybe it’s because their parents are stupid, maybe it’s the environment they grow up in with the MySpace and the Facebook and the cell phones and the MTV making it not cool to know the answer to “Final Jeopardy”.

We have the worst public schools in the country here in California. Ya think throwing money at them is going to change everything? (Or anything?!) I could put a bag of hammers on my living room floor and throw money at the bag of hammers for days and it’s not going to be able to tell me the Pythagorean theorem. It would be just as futile as giving PUSD more money.

I don’t have kids and I really don’t want children at this point in time. That’s why I wear a condom and that’s also why I don’t really talk about PUSD that much - because if there’s anything else I hate, it’s when a politician who doesn’t even send their kids to public schools is talking about PUSD. However, I am a realist. If we just let these kids fall behind, then who the fuck cares? We already pretty much do that any way.

Besides, if we don’t let stupid kids fall behind - then who is going to take my order at Wendy’s? Help me find the DVD section at Wal-Mart? Who is going to come over and install my cable? Who is going to become the next big star in the NBA? Some illegal immigrant? Nahh…it should be a John Muir High School graduate!

I say we take that money and use it for better things in Pasadena. Expanding our ARTS bus system, building stronger neighborhoods, and stuff like that. That’s what I call thoughtful management of Pasadena’s finances.

And, by the way, I went to one of the lowest ranked public schools in all of Pennsylvania. I did quite fine myself. Why? Because I’m a genius. I didn’t get any money thrown at me to be that way either - it’s because I have genius parents who taught me that reading and writing and `rithmetic were more important than wearing the coolest clothes or being the most popular kid in school.

If we’re gonna teach Darwinism in schools, we might as well use “survival of the fittest” as a means of determining that they don’t get any of my hard-earned cash. Goldbrickers.
**

The Proc’s “Interview With A Bogaard” in yesterday’s edition of The Aaron Proctor Interview Series was such a huge hit that The Most Electrifying Man in Pasadena decided to go ahead and interview Bogaard’s secretary, Jana Stewart.

Jana (that’s pronounced John-uh) Stewart has been Bogaard’s right hand woman for the past 8 years. Let’s find out, together, what it’s like to work for the Man Who Crushed The Proc:

The Proc: How many words a minute do you type? I type 110 words a minute. I should have your job.

Jana Stewart: 116 on a slow day, but speed is all relative, Proc. Acurasee iz mch mo imprtnt, d’ont yew thynk?

The Proc: True or false: 11.2% of Pasadena can’t be wrong.

Jana: This is truly false.

The Proc: Do you think Dwight and Angela will ever get back together on “The Office“?

Jana: Hey, who wouldn’t want to get back with Dwight…in the scheme of things, is a cat-sicle really a reason to break up with someone? It’s not like he made her eat Sprinkles or anything.

The Proc: Does Bill Bogaard like Ronnie James Dio songs?

Jana: Are you kidding? The first thing I programmed into his ipod was “The Elf Albums“. Or wait, was it “The Butterfly Ball”?

The Proc: Ever make paper airplanes out of Council agendas?

Jana: Guess you’ve heard I’m the Origami Wizard of City Hall. Planes, cranes and automobiles fill my recycling bin every Tuesday morning.

The Proc: How many women swoon when I walk into City Hall?

Jana: Can I count that that raven haired trannie that walks around Old Town?

The Proc: You ever meet Sid Tyler? I heard he ate three 72 oz. steaks in an hour. He spent the first 45 minutes banging the waitress.

Jana: I heard it was 45 steaks and three minutes. Hmmm…not bad either way!

The Proc: How many city employees would get knackered at Moose McGillicutty’s when the offices were temporarily in the Chamber?

Jana: (Hiccup) notice they closed down not long after we left? (Hiccup) What’s up with that? This is no coincidence.

The Proc: Make The Proc a cup of coffee, stat.

Jana: I’ll get right on it. Hope you like two lumps of shugavery with that coffee.

The Proc: Who would win in a fight between Steve Madison and The Iron Sheik?

Jana: Let’s just say a certain Maserati in Pasadena has a custom clutch in the shape of a camel. An homage to his wrestling skills, no doubt. Sorry, Mr. Vaziri.

The Proc: Think I should keep you on staff when I become Mayor?

Jana: Somebody’s got to teach you how to run things…then again, I plan on retiring in 2036. Think you’ll be Mayor by then? Hahaw, electoral burn!

The Proc: Where’s the “Welcome To Pasadena” sign?

Jana: I believe it’s in fine print at the top of the overnight parking tickets.

The Proc: Does Bill Bogaard make you put cover sheets on your TPS Reports? (”Office Space” reference by the way)

Jana: You think I didn’t catch that Office Space reference? I deal with the *&$#*!@ residents like you so the Mayor doesn’t have to! I have people skills! I am good at dealing with people! Can’t you understand that? What the hell is wrong with you, Aaron Proctor?

The Proc: Give me three facts about you. Two truths and one lie.

Jana: My stripper name is Heather Garfield; I can read and write in Korean; I swoon when you walk into City Hall.

The Proc: Did Bogaard wear Hammer Pants in the late 80’s?

Jana: I can’t touch this.

**

That was fun and educational, as all the Proc’s adventures seem to be as of late. Tomorrow - The Great One’s got Richard Bruckner. Who the fuck is he? He’s the Director of the Department of Planning & Development!