The Proc hopes his loud laughing isn’t waking up The Most Electrifying Man In Pasadena’s neighbors. If you look close enough, you can see someone is still having fun with the South Pasadena Wikipedia article:
South Pasadena can often be seen in motion picture productions with its beautiful tree-lined streets and “anywhere in America” feel. Such movies as The Terminator, Gone with the Wind, Halloween, Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure, American Pie, Legally Blonde, 13 Going on 30, Triumph of the Will, Back to the Future, Mr. Deeds, Bruce Almighty, and License to Wed are just a few of the notable films shot on location in South Pasadena. Notable television series that have been filmed there include Boston Public, Nip/Tuck, Desperate Housewives and Big Love.
“One of these things is not like the other. One of these things is not quite the same…” - Sesame Street.
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My friend Jason had a wonderful suggestion for an additional segment on this website - so I’ve created “Dear Mr. Proc“.
“Dear Mr. Proc” will be an advice column like no other. It’s where you, yes you, the tried and true Procaholics can send The Proc questions. Send them with your real name or anonymously, I don’t care - just click the Contact link above to do so. You can ask questions about politics, life, love, relationships, sports, anything - The Proc is an expert in most fields - just take a look!
Dear Mr. Proc,
I think my girlfriend of 5 years is cheating on me. She doesn’t tell me where she’s going or what she’s up to. She won’t cuddle at night any more. She’s been going out with her friend Stephanie who drives a Maserati and they stay out all hours of the night. Every time I confront her about this, she warns me she’s suddenly got some legal knowledge and that it’s not my right to confront her. What should I do?!
- Hopeless In Heritage Square
Dear Hopeless,
First of all, you’re a stupid mother fucker. Been with the chick 5 years and all of the sudden she’s acting weird? Her friend “Stephanie” drives a Maserati? Too much of a pansy to just break up with the bitch? Wake up, dumb ass. I say you go out to your nearest bar, find the sluttiest chick there, and go home with her. If Jack Daniels won’t help you solve your problems, Jill at 2 a.m. just might.
- The Proc
Dear Mr. Proc,
I’m a City Councilman and want to run again next year for my seat. However, the last time I ran, I almost lost to this woman who didn’t speak English. I continue to eat and eat and eat and never lose any weight. How can I overcome this pain I feel inside?
- V.G.
Dear V.G.,
What kind of candidate almost loses to a chick who hasn’t mastered the English language?
- The Proc
Dear Mr. Proc,
I’ve got a business meeting tomorrow and usually don’t wear ties. How do you tie a tie?
- Tieless In La Canada
Dear Tieless,
Select a tie of your choice and stand in front of a mirror. Then simply follow the steps below:
1) The wide end “W” should extend about 12 inches below the narrow end “N”. Cross the wide end “W” over the narrow end “N”.
2) Bring the wide end “W” up through the loop between the collar and your tie; then back down.
3) Pull the wide end “W” underneath the narrow end “N” and to the right, back through the loop and to the right again so that the wide end “W” is inside out.
4) Bring the wide end “W” across the front from right to left.
5) Pull the wide end “W” up through the loop again.
6) Bring the wide end “W” down through the knot in front.
7) Using both hands, tighten the knot carefully and draw it up to the collar.
8) Now you’re done. By the way, I’m not your mother, dickweed.
- The Proc
See? Not only am I doing a public service but I’m showing you all the new Pasadena Way. So - if you’d like The Proc to answer some of your most burning questions, click this link and send a question his way today!
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Robert CJ Parry might be unknown to a lot of Pasadenans but he’s sure making waves in Monrovia. You know, that little town you drive through to go to the Krekorian or go through to get to the 605 and then come back to Pasadena?
Robert’s a hero of mine because he’s doing what I do here in Pasadena - except for the fact that what he’s doing is a lot more important and turning a lot more heads.
I had the pleasure of making Robert Parry my next guest in the Aaron Proctor Interview Series:
The Proc: What’s been going down in the All-American City?
Robert CJ Parry: Some All-American, democratic debatin’, that’s what. Unfortunately, some folks missed the dust-up of 1776 and think we’ve still got royalty running the place. They get there panties in a bunch whenever a peasant speak out of turn, and then start dishing out the vengeance smack-down. Problem is, they’re facing off with Monrovia’s finest now. Those guys chase Du-Roc gangsters through dark alleys. A realtor in a Hawaiian shirt doesn’t scare ‘em much.
The Proc: I heard you serve our great country in one of the branches of the Armed Services. So mucho respect goes out to you first of all. Which branch do you serve in? Oh - and - how badly could you kick my ass at “Combat” on Atari 2600? Or, how badly could you just plain kick my ass?
RP: That’s the fact, Jack! And, thank you for being a supporter of my comrades. I am a First Lieutenant of Infantry in the California Army National Guard. I’m presently assigned to the 40th Infantry Division Headquarters at Los Alamitos. I’ve enjoyed two visits to our friends in the Middle East since 9/11, including time as a platoon leader in training team leader in Baghdad. According to Hay/BadBoy, that involved all desk work, and I never saw action. Perhaps on my next trip over I should return the pieces of shrapnel I kept as a keep sake of the last time somebody tried to blow me up.
RP (cont’d): But, I digress. Combat was THE GAME for the Atari 2600. I remember playing my Uncle Joe when he was visiting when I was like 10. I forgot to tell him the “fire” button on his joystick didn’t work. He didn’t find it nearly as hilarious as I did. Wonder if I could do the same overseas? And, um, no Aaron, I could not kick your ass. I follow the laws of Chuck Norris. CHUCK NORRIS DOES NOT KICK THE ASS OF GOOD MEN - ONLY BAD MEN. AND ONLY 12 AT A TIME.
The Proc: A lot of people see Monrovia as “Anytown USA”. Crush those people’s dreams right now.
RP: Like Johnny Cash said:
I find it very, very easy to be true
I find myself alone when each day is through
Yes, I’ll admit that I’m a fool for you
Because you’re mine, I walk the line
RP (cont’d): Well, inasmuch as I’m kinda fond of my property values, I’d kinda like to keep that perception up. Besides, it happens to be the reality. Monrovia really is a great town. The rest of Los Angeles should be jealous. (Except the cops, who would take a pay cut to come here). But, I’ll admit, I’m a fool for Monrovia!
The Proc: Jake’s Roadhouse or Robin’s Wood Fire BBQ & Grill?
RP: I fell in to burnin’ ring of fire! The taste of love is sweet!
The Proc: Gonna run for Mayor of Monrovia?
RP: Everybody keeps asking me that question. Just because I’m not afraid to speak truth to pwer doesn’t mean I want that power. I’m expecting a chance to travel to another exotic part of the planet at government expense next year. Running for Mayor doesn’t seem like a bright idea. Of course, Chuck Norris could run Monrovia AND kill Taliban. Before lunch.
The Proc: How come you guys get a Wendy’s and we don’t in Pasadena?
RP: Aaron, don’t be jealous, man:
Get rhythm when you get the blues
Hey, get rhythm when you get the blues
It only costs a dime, just a nickel a shoe
Does a million dollars worth of good for you
Get rhythm when you get the blues
RP (cont’d): Do you know why you need to get rhythm? Cause you can’t get a burger at Wendy’s. You don’t have one!
The Proc: Does Bill Bogaard’s liberal hand reach all the way out there?
RP: Chuck Norris stops Bill Bogaards evil ways at the Huntington Exit off the 210. Chuck Norris could kick Bill Bogaard’s ass without any extra vowels.
The Proc: Isn’t it important that we support our police - instead of protesting with stupid posters where there’s a drawing of a pig and the numbers “187″ under it? I wanted to slap that illegal immigrant in LA who did that.
RP: It’s a free country. But, an illegal immigrant shouldn’t be slapped, just deported. But that train keeps a rollin’ on down to San Anton..
RP (cont’d): Why is that so hard for folks to understand. What’s the point of having laws if you’re just going to ignore them? Could I ignore tax laws the way Vivalaraza allows illegal immigrants to flaunt those laws?
The Proc: What’s it like living in Pasadena’s shadow?
RP: You live in Chuck Norris’ shadow! It’s great! Whenever I want to see pretentious self-absorbed freaks walking around in $500 jeans, Maribel (the Beautacious Mrs. Parry) and I pop over there and then go for a stroll on Colorado. Then we come back to Myrtle and live in the real world again.
The Proc: If the characters from Fraggle Rock and Muppet Babies were put in an over-the-top-rope Battle Royale, would would be the sole victor?
RP: Chuck Norris!
The Proc: Ever been to the First Cabin in Arcadia?
RP: Not that I remember. But, from what I hear about the First Cabin, that’s really not an indicator either way.
The Proc: Best song by Wings?
RP: The one that gave them the idea to form a band. Everything else was forgettable.
The Proc: Speaking of Wings, remember the TV show “Wings“? That show was funny until USA Network decided to rerun it 45 times a day.
RP: See, I never noticed ’cause I was too busy having a crush on Crystal Bernard. But, you’re assertion is obviously false, inasmuch as USA plays 36 hours a day of Law & Order. The Beautacious Mrs. Parry never misses a moment! Chuck Norris only need two hours to watch it, though!
The Proc: How come Orange County is politically on the right track but socially annoying with their bonfires and the guys who say “Hey bra”?
RP: My knowledge of life behind the Orange Curtain is limited to traffic patterns around the 405/55 interchange and the gorgeous view from a certain 9th floor suite. But, Chuck Norris would destroy any man who says “hey bra.”
The Proc: What do you think of the local blogosphere?
RP: I know a lot of folks at the Times and LANG who are right rightfully frightened by blogs. Between guys like Centinel, Publius, Frazgo, Patterico and Kevin Roderick, you’ve got the local piece. Drudge gives you the National and International. My story on the link between the anti-cop statements and the City Councilman’s office would have gone completely unreported without blogs. The Trib still hasn’t done the story. That should bother anyone who is at all interested in an informed electorate.
The Proc: Would it be fair to compare call you and Frazgo “Monrovia’s Woodward & Bernstein”?
RP: No, but it would be nice if we could think of someone at the Tribune in that regard. I’m a formally trained journalist with some great by-lines but relatively modest experience. It would be nice to see a real pro sink their teeth into the police pay issue and the City Manager’s loan, etc, etc, etc.
RP (cont’d): Part of the current problem in Monrovia is that there is a lack of information flow, and fact finding. That’s creating suspicion and tension. Somebody needs to get to the bottom of it, but Frazgo and I have day jobs!
The Proc: Didn’t Robert Parry discover the North Pole?
(Proc’s note: It’s actually Peary)
RP: Yes. But only because Chuck Norris permitted it. Chuck Norris told him where to look.
The Proc: Who is the douche-elganger to Steve Madison in Monrovia?
RP: Hay/Bad Boy, of course. I mean, what kind of sicko makes fun of a cop who got shot? I think that when the precise truth comes out (I only painted a general picture), which may be soon, Monrovia will be shocked. Folks who do that kind of thing aren’t thought of as the kinds of folks who lead the Chamber of Commerce or who get named citizen of the year.
The Proc: What rum makes a good rum and Coke?
RP: Wrong question! You want to know WHO makes a good rum and coke! Answer: Any bartender at the Monrovia VFW! And, of course, Chuck Norris!
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You can check out more of Robert’s work and talent over at the Foothill Cities blog.
Tomorrow marks another historic milestone in the Aaron Proctor Interview Series. It will be the first time The Proc interviews someone running for office. That person is none other than Brian Fuller - who is running for the California State Assembly’s 44th district (where I live).
We’ll find out if he’s worried that Anthony Portantino is going to bury him in the desert.
I wonder how the gladhanding went at the joint PUSD-Council meeting last night.
Buy some stuff,
Enjoy this week’s Sid Tyler Facts!
- AP
