The Adventures of Aaron Proctor

The Star-Spangled Banner

O! say can you see by the dawn’s early light
What so proudly we hailed at the twilight’s last gleaming.
Whose broad stripes and bright stars through the perilous fight,
O’er the ramparts we watched were so gallantly streaming.
And the rockets’ red glare, the bombs bursting in air,
Gave proof through the night that our flag was still there.
Oh, say does that star-spangled banner yet wave
O’er the land of the free and the home of the brave?On the shore, dimly seen through the mists of the deep,
Where the foe’s haughty host in dread silence reposes,
What is that which the breeze, o’er the towering steep,
As it fitfully blows, half conceals, half discloses?
Now it catches the gleam of the morning’s first beam,
In full glory reflected now shines in the stream:
‘Tis the star-spangled banner! Oh long may it wave
O’er the land of the free and the home of the brave!And where is that band who so vauntingly swore
That the havoc of war and the battle’s confusion,
A home and a country should leave us no more!
Their blood has washed out their foul footsteps’ pollution.
No refuge could save the hireling and slave
From the terror of flight, or the gloom of the grave:
And the star-spangled banner in triumph doth wave
O’er the land of the free and the home of the brave!O! thus be it ever, when freemen shall stand
Between their loved home and the war’s desolation!
Blest with victory and peace, may the heav’n rescued land
Praise the Power that hath made and preserved us a nation.
Then conquer we must, when our cause it is just,
And this be our motto: ‘In God is our trust.’
And the star-spangled banner in triumph shall wave
O’er the land of the free and the home of the brave!

Happy 4th of July! America’s birthday! My favorite holiday - after all, I’m from where it all began. Let’s celebrate the greatest country in the world..a country that allows me (and others) the right to make an ass out of myself day in and day out. U-S-A! U-S-A! I’ll be celebrating with Kelli tonight - checking out the amazing Rose Bowl fireworks - the largest fireworks display in Southern California. It’s no Penn’s Landing, but it’s pretty damn close.

Now I was in a good, uber-patriotic mood this morning. Until I saw the cover of the LA City Beat - a paper published by Southland Publishing (also owner of the PW but NOT affiliated with this website and vice versa). I’m not posting the picture of the cover here because it’s absolutely disgusting, disgraceful, saddening, and extremely Anti-American.

I’ve been harboring contempt for City Beat for quite some time. Every week it’s more and more hipster America-bashing - particularly by someone who calls themslves “Commie Girl” and thinks that’s cool or something. It’s so fucking “cool” to hate on America these days - yet these people would be missing it quite quickly if they moved to Canada or the UK or wherever. I guess those tattooed and pierced dregs of society they’ve got over there are grasping at straws while trying to figure out how to make people care about them like people care about the LA Weekly (not that I care about that paper, either - actually I think most people read the LA Weekly to get $5 off of nightclub covers).

I’m sick and tired of people like her - she’s actually the FUCKING EDITOR OF THE NEWSPAPER. I’m sick and tired of people thinking that just because you love America, just because you’re happy to live in a country with its many positives (and many follies), you’re some beer-swilling redneck who watches NASCAR. I love America and I’m proud to live here and I’m not embarrassed or ashamed to admit that. I don’t think someone should be admitting they love the country they’re in. There’s NOTHING WRONG with being patriotic.

Even some hot people hate America…

This chick should be happy she lives in a country which allows her the freedom to criticize our country and to bash it day in and day out. Instead, she proudly calls herself the same title that a freedom-less country like China calls itself: a Commie. What a horrible thing to do on the 4th of July - the day that our country began its great journey to allow you to print such trite and insignificant crap each week. Thankfully, the Constitution also allows me to berate your horrible excuse for a column and opinion into the next century.

Rebecca Schoenkopf (sounds like a Nazi last name to me..) - you get a special July 4th Ham And Egger Award. It’s what our forefathers would have wanted. I’m ashamed to even be loosely connected to you through work. I wish I could give you a one-way ticket to China or Cuba, since you pride yourself on the whole Communist thing. I’m sure you’ll be staring at the fireworks from wherever you are, drinking a beer, and having a good time….trying to make us all think you’ll be staying indoors, hating the country which allows you the freedoms to write like the Anti-American that you are, smoking some marijuana while in your Che Guevara t-shirt, watching “Loose Change“, and blaring “music” from Rage Against The Machine. Get the fuck out of here with that bullshit.
I also e-mailed her and you can do the same at this link:

This week’s CityBeat cover is disgusting, saddening, and offends me as an
American.

Why is it so horrible to love America any more?

- Aaron Proctor
Pasadena, CA
http://www.proctorformayor.com

By the way - if you were looking to increase readership with a half-assed-Photoshopped cover used for “shock value”, it was a pretty counterproductive effort. All you did was further the hipster America-hating - the embarrassing portrait of what everyone else thinks all Californians think and act like. You may have gained a few readers of that worthless and rebellious ilk - but you certainly lost one here (not that I ever really read your paper, more like glance through it and laugh because it’s probably put together by hipster white people who have dreadlocks and don’t shower for 3 days straight. Obama in `08, right?). Hating on America might be all the Hollywood rage but - to me - when you verbally and visually spit on our Nation, you’re spitting on me. You’re no worse than the terrorists you’re defending.

**

Well, some Communist bitch isn’t going to ruin my 4th of July. Here’s a brand new Top Ten List:

TOP TEN THINGS I LOVE ABOUT AMERICA

10. Disneyland

9. Conservative talk radio

8. Politics

7. The National Anthem
6. Burger King
5. The “George Washington Bridge” song
4. John Philip Sousa
3. Baseball
2. Professional wrestling
1. Freedom

**

Pasadena PIO Ann Erdman recently posted a photo of Pasadena Star-News reporter and blogger, Dan Abendschein:

I swear - if you give this guy a cigar and put on his sunglasses and more of a tan - he’d be:

Armando Alejandro Estrada!

**

I’ve always found this picture hilarious. It’s been floating around the Interwebs for years. It’s a picture of ABC 7’s Marc Brown talking about a rape suspect. Notice the sketch in the corner, though:

**

I like to send drawings to Mayor Bogaard. I think it annoys him. It cracks me up, though. Here’s my latest:

Be seeing you and Happy 4th! Now go enjoy Dusty Rhodes vs. Steve Corino from the good days of ECW.

- AP

Remember that movie “Snakes On A Plane“? Well, as you all have seen before, I occasionally like to send little drawings to the Mayor. Instead of trying to re-size the damn things to where they look horrible, I’ll just link my latest creation right here. You can enlarge it by left clicking. (That’s what she said).

**

There’s a reason why a guy like Joe Hopkins made it to my list of The Ten People Ruining Pasadena. He’s fucking insane! Here’s an excerpt from his editorial last week… It’s your standard “conservative media” rant - when I can’t find a single news outlet or paper in this area that’s touting McCain the way he’s describing:

The conservatives want to talk about Barack’s race but they don’t want to talk about McCain’s age. They want to call McCain a war hero because he was shot down while piloting a bomber in Vietnam. What’s so heroic about dropping bombs from the sky on innocent Vietnamese people?

Yep. McCain’s old. We know this. You’re getting up there in years, too, Joe. I know this one dude who ran against someone and had an argument about that opponent’s age - trying to make the opponent’s age a negative. Remember when I called Bill Bogaard 170 years old? He beat me in a landslide. Age doesn’t really mean shit..except that younger people relate to a younger dude more - and then are too high/forgetful to wake up on Election Day and vote for the younger guy…AND… old people vote because a) they come from a generation that cared about voting, b) a lot of policy affects them more than affects us youngin’s and c) they have nothing else to do but play with Choo-Choo and Mitt-Mitt (their cats) and watch Huell Howser. (If you’re lucky, they don’t - d) - have a part-time job where they annoy the fuck out of you and don’t do any actual work)

I digress. I didn’t know you were a conservative, Joe? Because don’t you bring up race, and lately Barack’s race in general, every chance you get? Your whole paper is a big “Look at me! I’m black!” statement. Isn’t it guys like you that do the ol’ “we-don’t-want-to-make-this-election-about-race-but-we-actually-do” scenario? And by guys like you - I don’t mean African Americans..I mean every person who says “Hey - listen - I’m not gonna make this about race.” You just fucking made it about race by saying that! You know how you don’t make an argument about something: don’t bring up something!

And what the fuck…bombing & killing innocent Vietnamese people? Quit you’re cryin’ Ever hear of a little term called Collateral Damage? Here’s what Wikipedia says:

At least one source claims that the term “collateral damage” originated as a euphemism during the Vietnam War and can refer to friendly fire, or the killing of non-combatants and the destruction of their property.^[3]

Is that like the innocent people who died during the Civil War - I’m sure there had to be at least one person who didn’t have slaves or believed in slavery that lived in the Confederate states, right? It’s a war. People die. Children die. Little fluffy kittens die. People who don’t have anything to do with the war die. It sucks..but it happens. It’s not John McCain’s fault as much as it’s not John Kerry’s fault. Oh, but he’s white, so he’s the devil, too..I guess….

I’d have a lot more respect for you, Joe, if you stopped all of this bullshit and came right out and said it:

You’re voting for Obama because he’s black. That’s it. End of story. Lots of people are voting for him because he’s black (just as lots of people are voting against him because he’s black, for McCain cause he’s white, against McCain because he’s white, la la la…). And that’s fine - I mean, it’s stupid to vote for (or against) someone solely based on the color of their skin - but it’s your prerogative. I think you (and a lot of other people) should just come out and say it and quit your tired-ass charade. So…who’s the racist media again? Oh yeah, people like me. I forgot.

**

We’ve got a Ham And Egger Award winner this week already - thanks to the suggestion of another winner, Frank Girardot:

Monrovia Mayor Rob Hammond.

Rob Hammond is obviously acting like a jackass toward bloggers. With his knock on the blogosphere last week and failure to realize the great job guys like Frazgo and RCJP are doing in Monrovia - he deserves it well this week. Guys like him are a dime a dozen in Pasadena, they’re just a little bit more quiet about their views of the “Evil Blogosphere”.

He’s also built an empire based on driving fear into people who try and vote against him. I’ve heard stories of countless people who have supported other candidates getting “visits” from Hammond, basically threatening them with code violations and all sorts of other nonsense unless they support him.

The Proc says Hammond needs to know his role, shut his mouth, and eat his breakfast.

Hell, this guy even has Ham in his name. Might as well add some eggs. And - he has a crony named Dick Singer. I don’t even have to make a joke about his name (but I heard that he changed his last name from Head).

**

It looks like the Pasadena Star-Toilet Paper had their headline priorities straight yesterday:

Yes, Moe the Chimp is apparently missing (as of this writing - maybe they found him by now - but who the fuck cares?!). Why is this news, again? Screw the guy who got shot in Altadena, right? At least Girardot had the right idea to switching this pointless news to slightly less pointless news about CM Punk. I can’t believe I’m not making this shit up. Maybe Sid Tyler ate him?

(Note: Frank Girardot makes a good point about my screen-cap….in italics…..)

Ok legitimate.
But to be fair Aaron the shooting story is in the display sopt at the top
left hand corner of the page…where more people are going to see it and
read it…
Right?

TOP TEN NEWS STORIES I CARE ABOUT MORE THAN THE MISSING CHIMP

10. Mannie, Moe, and Jack. Which One’s A Coke Addict?

9. Proctor Gets Theme From “$25,000 Pyramid” Stuck In Everyone’s Head

8. Miss Havisham Misplaces Tea, Goes On Killing Spree, 12 Dead

7. South Pasadena Finally Realizes The Insanity Of Having Von’s Next To Pavillion’s

6. Who Put Chocolate In My Peanut Butter?

5. Joe Piasecki Completes Submarine With Screen Door

4. Holden To City: Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit

3. Sgt. Schultz Bludgeons Col. Hogan With Tripod

2. Larry Wilson Gives “Mamma Mia!” 5 Stars

1. Moe The Chimp: The Real DB Cooper

**

PEF…er….PUSD approved putting a $350,000,000 bond measure on this November’s Presidential election ballot last night. It was approved with 2/3 of the vote. The votes of approval came from Mike “I Look Like A Child Molester” Babcock, Bob “Zuccini Bread” Harrison, Barry Horowitz..I mean..Ed Honowitz, Tom “I Can’t Think Of A Nickname Or Likeness For Him Right Now” Selinske, and Scott Phelps - who - I can’t believe this - phoned it in…making him the school board’s brand new douchebag.

More from the lovely Mary Dee Romney:

At this afternoon’s special BOE meeting where the PEF/BOE majority approved a $350,000,000 general obligation bond for the PUSD, Supe Diaz alluded to the district’s unsavory past with Measure Y and vowed accountability for his *own* bond measure set for a vote in November.

Likewise, Mr. Brinkman affirmed his own personal support for the “accountability issue.”

If accountability is what Mr. Diaz and Mr. Brinkman profess, why did they fail to follow the customary Brown Act procedure of publishing staff reports to the district website prior to this afternoon’s public BOE meeting?

Why were the only two Facilities Master Plan Committee members speaking from the podium recommending against the bond proposal?

Why was the tax-paying public left dependent upon the scanning efforts of Rene Amy and the Greatschools listserve to learn the details of a bond proposal described today by Mr. Lizardo as “a very significant action (and) weighty decision” (?)

It is clear the PEF/BOE is saddled up and ready to ride with the Gilroy cowboys, regardless of so-called “accountability.”

Pasadena Star-News has nothing about this. Of course they wouldn’t. I guess this isn’t news to them. What a shitty newspaper. I guess this isn’t a “big deal”, huh? I guess PUSD “can do no wrong”. Bullshit. I can’t wait to see how they spin this - just like people spun Measure D and lied to everyone. Can’t wait to see what City Council thinks of this nonsense.

PUSD might think they’re fooling people by putting this on November’s ballot so half the people who are voting for President will vote “Yes” on this - but they’re not. I’m going to make sure everyone knows about this crock of a bond measure and make sure people vote no on it. It’s my job…not just as a citizen of Pasadena who actually gives a damn…but as the Most Electrifying Man In Pasadena (and your role model), The Proc.

**

The Altadenablog recently had a 5-day crusade to make sure they were linked on Dave Atlantic’s Under The Dome blog.

Today is the first day of my crusade against Altadenablog. It’s called the “Fix My Fucking Link” crusade. You see, they have a very nice section of links that’s quite put together. Except the URL that you get when you click on the link to my site is West Coast Grrlie Blather. Kelly-With-A-Y is cool and all..but it’d be nice if that link actually went to my site. So yeah, fix my fucking link

**

Be seeing you,

- AP

According to an article in the PW from a little while back, Steve Madison “doesn’t go to my website any more.”

Ya sure about that? Well, someone at Quinn Emanuel has sure taken a gander at my website since June 1st:

Hmmm. Could be someone getting a laugh at their cohort. My money is on Madison lying to the newspaper, though.

**

A few months ago, Kelli and I went to the Romano’s Macaroni Grill out in Monrovia before seeing my friend’s band play. After a very filling dinner, we were walking to the car when a lady - best described as a cracked-out Billy Idol - approached us. She told us a story about how she had left her bag on the bus and she needed some change, blah, blah blah. Kelli and I didn’t have any change so we didn’t give her any and she walked away. I told Kelli that I thought it was a scam - it was pretty close to 9 pm and buses out in these parts don’t run that late on a Saturday night.

So, a couple of days ago, Kelli and I are out at the Wal-Mart in Duarte. Guess who comes up to us in the parking lot? Cracked-out Billy Idol. 2 months later and, again, she “left her bag on a bus.” I told her to her face “You told us that 2 months ago!” and she just walked away…as if she had been owned by someone like that before - and started speaking to another dude - who I then walked up to and said “It’s a scam..saw her 2 months ago at the Macaroni Grill on Huntington.”

The worst thing is - she’s probably buying drugs with the money she does get for her sob story. So - yeah - this lady is obviously lying. If you ever see her around, don’t give her any cash and tell her to stop scamming people. Maybe that’ll learn her.

**

A lot of people sure are proud of the Ham And Egger Award.  Here’s Tribune prep sports reporter Fred Robledo and his award for outstanding performances in wasting company time.

Keep up the great work!

See you at the picnic later,

- AP

Pick up a Pasadena Weekly as soon as you can! My newest “5 Questions” column features none other than Miss Havisham!

**

So, if you haven’t heard by now, District 2 Councilwoman Margaret McAustin is my new hero - after her verbal bitchslapping of Steve Madison on Monday night. As Del Appledumplinggang will tell you, Madison was trying to be funny (and I mean really trying) and McAustin just layeths the smacketh down - AP style.

Here is a video clip of the event as well as the reaction Kelli & I had when we heard it. I love how the camera zooms in on Maserati Man looking all owned and baffled. It’s almost an award-winning performance by the District 6 Councilman….

A Ham And Egger Award winning performance, that is. Enjoy your award, Steve. You certainly deserve it this week. Maggie Mags: My hero.
**

My companion series to The Ten People Ruining Pasadena - The Ten Things I Love About Pasadena - continues on this Thursday morning with #7. This list was inspired by the good peeps over at When Are We Going To California? - who started a list of things they love about LA:

#7: Roscoe’s Chicken & Waffles!

Located on the mini-restaurant row on North Lake Avenue, Roscoe’s Chicken & Waffles is an awesome dining establishment. The idea of mouth-watering buttermilk waffles in syrup mixed with fried chicken might be quite foreign to some but - trust me - it’s good eatin’.

The waitstaff is always friendly and the place is always packed, especially if you go there on a Sunday morning or afternoon. The menu has just about every combination of chicken and waffles possible (and you can just get chicken or waffles seperately if you’re not feeling cavalier). Definitely the best place for Southern-style cuisine: the grits and cornbread are phenomenal. The walls are adorned with famous people (everyone from hip-hop artists to Steven Wright) who have graced the restaurant with their presence.

I’ve been living in the Crown City since the early part of this decade and I’ve probably been to Roscoe’s at least 50 times. I like to get two chicken breasts and two huge waffles and wash it down with a tall glass of milk (or a few tall glasses of milk). Not even the Waffle House chain popular in the Midwest and the South can compare to the yummy goodness of Roscoe’s. So, it’s no surprise that it comes in at #7 on The Ten Things I Love About Pasadena.

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Does somebody want to loan me $52 million for this Pasadena home? According to Centinel on the FC Blog, that’s how much it’s going for. I wish I had $52 million to blow - I’d be like “Why the fuck not?”

Fiddy-Cents also wants us to come up with our own tag lines for the photo. Here are some of his:

Competing with Versailles is priceless.

When Hearst Castle just isn’t big enough.

Why 19 bathrooms? Three letters: IBS.

“Housing market? Why, yes, it does come with its own grocery store.”

Sid Tyler’s house.

Here are some of mine:

• “Ever wanted to live in the place that’s on the back of the nickel?”
• “If you were Steve Madison, you’d be home by now.”
• “Get from one side of the house to the other with your very own MTA light rail.”
• “Slaves optional.”
• “Where your monthly electric bill is almost as much as the cost of your home.”
• “Imagine the fucking ridiculous parties you’d have here!”
• “19 bathrooms for 19 wives.”

**

The balloon ban by Jack Scott has been stalled. Thank goodness. 3 people decided not to vote on it - which pisses of Steve Haderlein, according to the City Council Drinking Game - but still - I mean come on? Was this thing seriously going to pass? I never saw any god-damned evidence supporting this ban to begin with.

Jack Scott is an embarassment and I’m not going to be fond of him being a head honcho over at my (one of my)Alma Mater(s) when he’s done with his worthless political career. It just goes to show you that infringing on people’s personal freedoms might work on the hippy-dippy local level like in Pasadena or Santa Monica - but not at the state level. Nice try, dickweed.

**

Look who I ran into yesterday!  It’s Bill Bibbiani!  Former PUSD school board member and motorcycle enthusiast.  Bib (as he likes to be called) is a damn cool dude..and quite popular!  What an honor!  Was I overdressed?  (Photo taken by Mrs. Bib)
Be seeing you,

- AP

Well, if you haven’t read or heard by now - there’s some big news in The Proc’s City. I now have a weekly column (of sorts) in the brand new, redesigned Pasadena Weekly called “5 Questions“. It’s basically a shorter, nicer, more appropriate version of the Aaron Proctor Interview Series - in fact, you could call it “The Aaron Proctor Interview Series Evolved”. It’s right next to the table of contents.

Kelli & I At Castle Green This Past Thursday For The PW Relaunch Party - More Pics Soon! (Photo by Michael Nagami)

In my first column, I talk to the man, the myth, the legend, the guy who whipped my ass in the 2007 election: Mayor Bill Bogaard. As of writing, it’s not up on the website yet but pick up a Pasadena Weekly wherever you can and check it out! Next week’s guest will be even more interesting, I promise.

WCGB has also given me some blather love - as she tries to figure out what I’m all about at this link.

**

Yesterday, I talked about how rapper The Game visited John Muir High School to “mentor the troubled youth” as well as put the High back in High School.

Well, Frank Girardot has an excellent column in the PSN (Yeah, you heard me - an actual excellent column in the PSN) and on his blog. Frank, now known on the streets as “The Scene“, has made some comments that are simply priceless (plus he gets bonus points for making a reference in the title to the other guy known as The Game…)

I hoped to ask Pasadena school Superintendent Edwin Diaz if “The Game” held similarly lofty goals for the children and teens of Pasadena.

I wanted to ask, “Why ‘The Game?’

“Why not City Councilwoman Jacque Robinson? Why not potential First Lady Michelle Obama? Why not Powell? Why not U.S. Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas? Why not former Deputy District Attorney Chris Darden? Why not former Pasadena police Lt. Rick Law?

“Why not one of the thousands of successful black men and women who live or work in Pasadena every day?”

Unfortunately I didn’t get a call back. It was graduation day for about 60 percent of the kids who started there as freshmen four years ago.

The other 40 percent?

Probably off somewhere listening to “The Game.”

The Game. Rapper. Gangsta. Role Model For Your Kids.

This is why I think Girardot rocks. Seriously….what the fuck was PUSD thinking on this one? Edwin Diaz might not return phone calls to “The Scene” - but he does return phone calls to The Proc. I’ve obtained a shortlist of people Edwin has lined up to speak to John Muir High School students in the future. Let’s just say that future isn’t so bright…:

TOP TEN FUTURE SPEAKERS AT JOHN MUIR HIGH SCHOOL

10. OJ Simpson

9. Fucky, The Jaywalking Dinosaur

8. Chris Holden (Just supposed to say “shiiiiit” and then leave)

7. Tonya Harding

6. Some chick Aaron Proctor banged

5. Billy The Crackhead

4. Virginia Hoge

3. Chris Benoit

2. The Dyanmic Duo of Joe Piasecki & Carl Kozlowski

1. John Whitaker

Like Frank said, there’s a zillion other people they could have obtained to speak to kids - people who lead better lives and who have made something from strife and struggle. This is some lame attempt to “connect” with the youth and show us that PUSD and the people in charge of it aren’t out of touch with the times. Nice try. While the kids went home and told all their friends on the MySpace and the Facebook how The Game came to their school - I’m sure none went home with any kind of message or lesson learned. Is that how you reinvent the Mighty Mustangs?

I’ve never done this before…but this calls for very bitter pill. And, no, I’m not calling Joe Hopkins. He hasn’t listened to rap music since 1992.

Edwin Diaz, you’re the 2nd Ham And Egger of the week. I think I’ll actually write “You’re a fucking dumb ass” on the award, too. Or maybe I’ll quote some lyrics from your aforementioned favorite musician:

We runnin’ through summers
in dual hummers
and tell them my crew coming for war

Edwin - what I’m trying to say is that you’ve just got some ham & eggs all up in your grill, son. And if all you wanted was to get someone to tell the kids to ’stay alive’, you could have got the member of the Bee Gees who is still alive for a much cheaper price.

Dormitas and Del Apres-Ski (who is finally blogging!) also chime in on this thing, including Del’s note that The Scene and some dude got into it a little bit about this whole ordeal.

**

What’s a week without some All-American Sid Tyler Facts? Here we go….

• Sid Tyler’s favorite cereal is Kellogg’s Nails `N Gravel
• The brand new Dirty Harry DVD boxset is known in some circles as “The Sid Tyler Story”
• Sid Tyler is the last digit of Pi.
• Sid Tyler plays racquetball with a waffle iron and a bowling ball.
• Sid Tyler called me yesterday and said “Between you, me, and my fists, Virginia Hoge is a cunt.”
• Someone once gave Sid Tyler a pencil with an eraser. It’s not nice (or smart) to insult the man like that.
• The Internet was the only place one could hide from Sid….. until he got America Online.
• Sid Tyler is actually all of the “100 people surveyed” on Family Feud.
• Sid Tyler once bought Chuck Norris a beer. Hey, he can be a nice guy once in a while.
• Aliens do exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Sid Tyler is on.

Be seeing you…and remember:

- AP

Happy Wednesday!

If you’re feeling down and blue about the Lakers getting sexually assaulted last night 131-92 in the NBA Finals, don’t feel bad. Sit a spell and take some advice from a Philadelphia sports fan:

So, the Lakers haven’t won a championship in like…6 years…so what? Try not winning a championship in 25 years….in 28 years….or never. Think about how lucky you are to live in Los Angeles - beautiful weather, beautiful women all around, the beaches and the mountains in driving distance, swimming pools, movie stars - you catch my drift?

The Lakers didn’t win the championship. Boo hoo. At least being in Los Angeles, you have something to look forward to. We didn’t have that privilege in Philly. All we really had to look forward to was another season of the Phillies or the Eagles or the Sixers or the Flyers in last place or choking when they needed to be clutch.

Maybe if you Lakers fans supported your team when they were down in the dumps and not just in first place, maybe if you Lakers fans would fly those flags on your cars year round, I’d consider you passionate sports fans. Until then, most of you just further that typical L.A. “fake” stereotype. I say - be proud of what you did. Only 2 teams could reach the Finals this year and you were one of them.

For a city that gets on pretty well without a major NFL franchise, for a city that gets on pretty well for having 2 NBA franchises and pretending like it only has one - for a city that honestly has some of the most fair-weather, lackluster, apathetic, worst sports fans who leave games in the 7th inning in the entire country - I say hold you head high. Or, you can just put those Lakers flags away until they get past the first round of the playoffs next time.

(By the way, we Philadelphians have disowned Kobe Bryant like the Canadians disowned Alex Trebek)

**

The Ten People Ruining Pasadena list continues today with #4. Before that - let’s go through a run down of numbers 10 through 5, shall we?

#10 goes to the insane asylum with Virginia Hoge.

#9 drops it like it’s hot with Joe Hopkins.

#8 - Annoying Homeless People!

Larry Wilson lulls us to sleep at #7.

Put on your wool cap and American Apparel ‘Legalize LA’ t-shirt for #6: Hipsters.

Peter Dreier blames us all for #5.

*Drumroll* And now…#4:

Graffiti “artists”! (Picture courtesy of WCGB)

Yeah, everyone here pretty much knows how I feel about graffiti. It’s stupid, it’s not an art form - in fact, it’s pure vandalism. 99.9% of the time, the graffiti doesn’t make any god damned sense. I mean, look at the picture above. What the fuck is that? Maybe it’s some algebra homework from John Muir High School or someone was trying to calculate the strength of the Yen vs. the dollar?

Meh. This is called a “tag” and they’re purpotrated by “taggers“. It’s supposed to be “cool” and “hip” - but all it does is make people not want to build new things in neighborhoods where this is rampant, leaving people somehow confused as to why a business doesn’t want to come there. This kind of art is even celebrated in books by hipster white people who don’t live in the neighborhoods where tags are usually found (chalk that up for another on the list of ‘Stuff White People Like’).

Here in the Crown City, we have a hotline set up to report graffiti. It seems to work ok - but I wonder how we prevent this kind of stuff from happening? You can’t just put all graffiti artists in one group - I mean, they’re all stupid - but some of them are just stupid kids who don’t feel like going to the 99 cent store to get some markers and art supplies. Others are just gang members marking they’re territory like they’re a male cat - except male cats usually piss better patterns.

One thing’s for sure - I see this crap throughout Pasadena. Even in my hallowed District 4, I’ve been seeing newer graffiti everyday - now that it’s summertime and these kids don’t have anything else better to do.

Some cities try to set up graffiti walls and tell people that it’s ok to do that kind of shit in that particular area. Think about that Einstein knowledge for a second. Let’s set up a wall where people can do something illegal and it can be celebrated by all. I haven’t seen any statistics but I doubt these kind of walls really cut down on tagging. That would be like setting up an area of the city where it’s ok to break into cars or to beat people up…I mean, cities are setting these kinds of things up but they’re not setting up red light districts?

I think cities, ours in particular, should grow some balls and get more aggressive with graffiti. Get me on TV to do some PSAs (I’m really good at them) - and let me just proclaim my new slogan: “Taggers are faggers“. Doesn’t make too much sense, but after an e-mail I received from a tagger, neither do they:

Yo’ your a faget biatch, badmouthing graff and shit, i hope someone lays the verbal smack down in your verbal oraphice bitch, seriously, your so cool bud, most electrifyingly gay man i’ve ever heard of. Go die please

Stay tuned for #3 on my list of the Ten People Ruining Pasadena. Coming soon.

**

Why do moms get mad when I’m walking down the street in Old Town and I give lude and/or lascivious looks to their jail-bait daughter who happens to be wearing short short short short shorts with her tramp stamp above her ass hanging out? You’re the one who let them leave the house dressed that way. Hey, somebody’s gotta enjoy the view before she’s completely used up by the time she’s 20.

This actually goes for any hot woman - if you don’t want me leering at your cleavage or your hot ass, don’t wear stuff that shows off your cleavage or your hot ass. It’s pretty simple. You’re asking for it more than a contestant on Jeopardy.

**

Wow. Look at the hard-working guys at the Tribune (ya know, the people who are in bed with the Pasadena Star-News). I guess it’s easy to tell why the paper has come down so much….they’re too busy watching the end of the US Open:

Amazing. Just amazing. Look at all those reporters dawdling. I wonder if one of them is the brand new rookie Pasadena politics reporter Dave Aftershock? Probably not - I don’t know what he looks like but I hear he used to write for the LA City Beat, which means he has 70 face piercings and 52 tattoos. (Edit: I now hear he’s a clean-cut All-American guy)

This kinda nonsense is just uncalled for. It is, however, quite award winning:

Congrats, SGVT. You guys all get the Ham And Egger Award this week. Maybe you can all stand around it instead of doing actual work.

**

I didn’t know this day would be coming so soon. Our fair City Clerk, Jane Rodriguez is leaving City Hall. Her last day is July 25th. This kind of sucks. Who is going to sound extremely enthused when taking roll at City Council meetings? Who is going to remind me of Casey Novak on Law & Order SVU? Who, just who, is going to put up with my occasional visits to City Hall?

Good luck in your future whatever-it-is-you’ll-be-doing, Jane. She’s been over at City Hall for like 35 years (not a joke).

Jane also sent me in the right direction to some really cool info:

The Pasadena 2009 Elections Are Coming! YES!!! Local election fever will be arriving quite soon in Pasadena! Election 2009 coverage officially begins today here on The Proc’s show. Or - as they’re calling it in District 5:

There are races upcoming in other places, too. Not just District 5 - but District 3 and District 7 will be up for grabs, although I doubt anyone is going to try and run against Holden and Tyler (especially the latter, considering he literally eats his opponents for breakfast). Word on the street is there are one or two serious people who’d like to challenge Gordo’s seat - so, at this time and juncture, I’m going to be really focused on that contest.

We’ve also got Mike Babcock, Scott Phelps, Steve Lizardo, and Ed Honowitz’ PUSD Board of Education seats up for grabs.

The election is on March 10, 2009 with the run-off election scheduled for April 21.

Click on this link to find out more information if you’re interested in running or just interested in what’s going down.

Be seeing you,

- AP

Wait - so one of our leaders might be lying to us, or not giving us exactly the best information? Oh noes, sayeth The Proc!

According to The Foothill Cities blog, that just might be the case. Ya see, all of those people who went to Saturday’s Million Moron March (or Hundred Huckster Parade, depending on who you talk to) won’t let us in on a big thing: there really aren’t any PUSD cuts at all. Let Centinel explain it for ya:

The supposed “cuts” were due to the fact that the state projected higher revenues, and since a certain amount of money is automatically allocated in the budget for education (as a percentage of revenue), when it turned out the state wasn’t going to bring in as much money this year, the budget for education shrank. Education is still receiving the same percentage, it’s just a slice cut from a smaller pie. More importantly, the overall amount spent on education will still increase, or so was the claim.

Seems kinda contradictory.

So, I’d like to make an appeal to our readers, particularly those that work at PUSD or in government and especially Janette Williams, author of the PSN article above: Where are the numbers?

I’d like to know four numbers: the state’s budget for education for 2008; the same for 2007; and PUSD’s budget for 2008 and for 2007.

That shouldn’t be too hard. I don’t want to hear any more bullcrap about cuts, until someone can actually show me that PUSD spent $190 million last year and will spend $185 million this year or the equivalent at the state level.

Yep, that’s right. Idiots like Peter “Dude, Where’s My Funding?” Dreier and Virginia Hoge (I’ll deal with that fucking bitch later) want to sucker all of you in to supporting their ideas with their mass hysteria and paranoia. The sad thing is, Centinel will never get those numbers that he’s looking for - just like I’ll never get the straight numbers from Dr. Takashi Wada about how car pollution is more deadly to Pasadena than second-hand smoke:

“….automobile transportation is a fact of life in Southern California and until there is a feasible alternative, we have to live with that unless the politicians and policy makers at the appropriate levels decide to address those issues.”

My point is: part of the Pasadena Way is to not only never give out information that makes your argument look weaker - but to make that information absolutely IMPOSSIBLE to find. Remember how everyone ran over me when I wanted to recall Steve Madison because I didn’t have my facts straight? Well, people like our City Council and our School Board are apparently infallible - they can’t be wrong, so you’ll rarely get to see numbers and facts when you really want them.

I Call Bullshit!

Chances are we’ll see the next Halley’s Comet before getting those numbers from PUSD. Though Diaz is doing a big smokescreen with this grade configuration bullshit, too. Sneaky scoundrel.

**

Six months and no murders in Pasadena, according to the PSN.  Yeah, thanks guys - now you just REMINDED all the gang members that they haven’t done anything in a while.  That’s like if your boss tells you that you’re not hitting the same stats you were a year ago.  Good job, Robert S. Hong, whoever the fuck you are.

**

I mentioned Virginia Hoge earlier. Ya know, #10 in my ongoing list of the Ten People Ruining Pasadena? Well, apparently, she’s not fond of some hilarious comments I’ve made about her. She let her feelings be known to Frank Girardot over at the Crime Scene blog - so I’m assuming she just went to every single blog in town until someone mentioned her comment. Here it is:

When former candidate for mayor, Aaron Proctor, (whose site is linked
to on this blog) posted this defamatory post about me - which included
ugly graphic sexual slander - the Pasadena blogging community was
completely silent.

I think we have lost the ability to see “hate”. I mean, if this post
isn’t hate, what is? Does the right to “Free Speech” cover…this?
No, I do not think it does.

The weird thing was, what made Proctor so angry was my writing about my
research on Rene Amy. I hadn’t even mentioned Proctor, yet he reacted
to it like he himself had been “stung”.

Why?

First of all: Call the fucking Wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhmbulance:

Secondly, it’s pretty simple why everyone remained silent, Virginia. Nobody likes you, nobody likes the way you think everything should be censored, nobody likes your crazy ideas, nobody like the fact that you bitch about things that happened a few years ago, nobody likes how you attack both the conservative AND the liberal media in this City, nobody likes your hair, nobody likes anything about you. So, because of that, it’s my job to fuck with you until you shut the fuck up and stop blogging.

I am definitely not going to give up my 1st amendment right to say things like I wouldn’t fuck you with Janet Reno’s dick or that I throw up every time I read your blog and see your picture. You might be some crazy, loony bitch - but at least you have the right to be. I just also have the right to lampoon you week in and week out.

I want the five minutes of my life back I spent typing those paragraphs. Thanks for being a general waste of everyone’s time around here. For that, you also get this week’s Ham And Egger Award:

**

Saturday night was a record-setting night for television. You see, “EliteXC Saturday Night Fights” debuted on CBS - making it the first time ever mixed martial arts has ever aired on network television.

The preliminary ratings for the show on Saturday are in and the rumored peak being the main event with a 4.7 rating and the rest of the show grabbing a 2.7 as CBS owned the night with the male demographic. They esitmate 7.5 million people tuned in which puts them about 3 million viewers over what they expected.

One of the main reasons why this show was so popular was one of the guys in the main event. I kid you not: when Kelli and I and our friend 007 were at the bar on Saturday night, they literally stopped karaoke so everyone could see this man fight.

I’m pretty sure this is the only person who may just be tougher than Sid Tyler himself:

His name is Kimbo Slice.

Seriously. Just type his name into YouTube. Guy’s a monster and has a pretty awesome story to boot.

**

Go vote today!

Be seeing you,

- AP

From the PSN the other day:

A community dialogue on shaping the city’s future - finding out what Pasadenans like, dislike, want to keep and want to change in the city’s General Plan - will be held Saturday at Pasadena Presbyterian Church.

“We’re pulling people together to see if there are some issues or concerns we share in common,” said Marsha Rood, a former Pasadena city planner now with Urban Reinventions.

The “Common Vision, Common Goals” discussion, Rood said, was set up by a “loose coalition” of grass-roots, non-profit groups - including “Open Space Now” - concerned with the city’s future growth.

“We want people to be involved throughout the process,” she said. “One of our issues is there hasn’t been an ongoing community participation in some of the (General Plan) update in a meaningful way, some feel.”

The discussion will be led by Steve Preston of Pasadena, the deputy city manager of San Gabriel, who teaches on cities’ general plan procedures at USC and UCLA Extension.

Personally, the biggest problem I’ve had with the City’s General Plan is the blatant disregard of one of its main goals: to make the Crown City an easy place to get around without a car. I’ve told that to “Smilin’-Except-When-He’s-Not-Named-City-Manager” Richard Bruckner.

In these trying economic times, yeah, more people (like 20%) or something are riding the Gold Line. However, I can tell you from experience every weekday, that there really aren’t that many new people riding the bus.

Yeah, that’s a way to attract riders. (Courtesy WCGB)

One of the things I’ve been repeating over and over and over and over and over and over and over again (and over) is how the ARTS bus needs to expand its schedule. It’s not a good schedule for people out there who work at night, who work late on weekends, who work anywhere really past 9 p.m. What about expanding the ARTS bus in Old Town - people will be more apt to take it than to pay $20,000 for a cab. Plus, it’s more likely than not that the bus driver will actually speak English and won’t pretend like they don’t know where they’re going, taking you the long ass way home.

I think our leaders should also take the ARTS bus or the MTA at least 2-3 times a week. Lead by example, bitches.

The wisdom of Paul Little has taught me that the City has a hard time dealing with the MTA and the like when it comes to providing additional ARTS bus lines - but I don’t see how hard it is to extend the schedule of the already established lines. The ARTS bus is by far more reliable (and cheaper) than taking the MTA from one point of town to the other.

I’ve also been told by one top City official that he’d like to sit down with me and discuss these issues. That was in December of 2006. It’s almost June of 2008. Mayor Bill Bogaard - you get the Ham And Egger Award this week.

This is also a great lead in to another thing that is hurting the whole “walkability” idea - something that ends up as #8 on my Ten People Ruining Pasadena list:

**

#8 - Annoying Homeless People, Like This Guy

I realize that homelessness in this City and State and Country is no laughing matter. I, myself, was nearly homeless last year - I mean, it can happen to anyone at any time. Especially in times like these where you could lose your home, your job, everything in an instant.

What really pisses me off, though, is that a lot of the homeless in Pasadena are imported homeless from other cities, specifically big bad Los Angeles. People down there at Union Station in LA (not the homeless shelter in Pasadena of the same name) simply give Gold Line tickets to these people and do everything but actually say “Go to Pasadena, there’s tons of Richie Riches there to give you money.”

The other kinds of homeless people I hate are the ones you find a lot of the time on that stretch of Colorado between Fair Oaks and Delacey. You know, the “I-couldn’t-get-a-decent-job-because-of-my-electric-blue-hair-and-stupid-piercings because-the-only-place-I-applied-for-a-job-was-Amoeba Records-because-working-at In N Out-is-so-not-punk rawk - so I’m going to panhandle on the streets of Pasadena” kids. Kids trying to “rebel” and be “cool” and “anarchy rulz” that panhandle and beg for money while sitting there with a tabby cat or drinking out of a Starbucks cup.

Yeah, those are the types of homeless that can go fuck themselves.

If you cleaned yourself up, you’d have a job by now

What about the ones that get really aggressive? For a while, there was a lady in Old Town who would DEMAND that you gave her $2.00 and would follow you around for a minute or two if you didn’t. What about the ones who are begging for money while sitting with a full pack of smokes? Maybe you should have bought food, not cigarettes, dickweed.

All of these types are giving the actual homeless people a bad name. The actual homeless people who, you know, can’t run up to get money from the General Fund because you actually have to be a complete drug addict or not speak English to get real help in this State. The people who have fallen on hard times that might not have immediate family in the area (or at all). You’ve got these pseudo-homeless that ends up making me not want to give ANY of them money because how do I know this isn’t just some rich kid from Silverlake trying to scam me? (Hey - a lot of those hipsters dress like homeless people).

I say we just adopt what they’re doing down in Los Angeles. Pick up some bus tokens at a check cashing place. The next time you’re down near Old Town, give the “wanna-be” homeless kid a bus token. Tell them to go down to Fair Oaks and Colorado’s southwestern corner and take the 267 to South Pasadena. Let’s just send them all down to South Pasadena or to Arcadia or something. Then use the rest of your bus tokens and start taking the bus yourself, if you can.

It’s like that movie “Pay It Forward” except, instead of money, we’ll be using foul-smelling people who are just too lazy to shower, too “rebellious” to stop looking like a dreg of society, and too haughty to get a job at Wendy’s.

The Proc Has Real Solutions For Pasadena.

**

I hope everyone has a lovely weekend. Be seeing you,

- AP

If you blinked, you missed out on Fred Ortega

Gary Scott, a/k/a “Reporter G“, is, well, reporting that PSN reporter and original winner of the Ham And Egger Award winner Fred Ortega will be exiting his role at the paper soon. Fred will be taking a position with the Board of Equalization in Monterey Park.

Who his replacement will be, at this time of writing - The Proc has no idea. I do want to sincerely wish Fred good luck in his new position. Hopefully his successor will have the giant sized testicles that this kid had to actually take me on.

I’ve composed a little song as a tribute to all of Fred’s hard work. Actually, I just stole the melody. Feel free to heckle and curse at my video (all those out there who didn’t find my heckling of some street performer quite hilarious):

Goodbye Ortega
Good luck wherever life takes you
You were the grace that placed itself
In a paper torn apart
You called out to your readers
And you reported not in vain
Now you belong to MP
And the stars spell out your name

Now sing along with me…(sorry for the horrible lighting, but there’s at least audio)
**

Sid Tyler (very right) and his “posse”

It’s time for this week’s Sid Tyler Facts!

• Sid Tyler doesn’t run for office. The office runs from him.
• Crop circles are Sid’s way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.
• Sid Tyler went on The Price Is Right. He bid the exact dollar amount, got all $10,000 slots on Plinko, spun $1.00, won both showcases, permanently disfigured Drew Carey, and fucked all of the Price Is Right girls.
• If you ask Sid Tyler what time it is, he’ll say “Ten to.” You’ll ask “Ten to what?” and he’ll reply “Tend to your own damn business.”
• Sid Tyler has one of those tsunami warning signs outside of his house because he uses a bathtub.
• Sid Tyler is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
• Sid Tyler once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Sid Tyler re-entered the earth’s atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publicly claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.
• Sid Tyler shot the sheriff. He was the deputy at the time.
• Sid Tyler ordered a Big Mac at Burger King. And got one.

**

Be seeing you,

- AP

I “Go Metro” on a regular basis, considering I don’t own a car. No, I’m not trying to sound like one of those “go Green” smugs - but I do laugh at all the mother fuckers who made fun of me for not driving a few years ago who now are like “Wow, you must save a ton of money”. Considering I work and live in the same city, Metro isn’t a huge problem for me.

Besides the fact, though, that it takes like 3 hours to get from, say, Burbank to Pasadena on a bus - I think there are a few other reasons why Metro will never convince people to stop driving their cars and start taking the bus. Like I said before, all those people who said “I’m going to stop driving when gas hits $4.00/gallon” are the same people who said “I’m going to stop driving when gas hits $3.00/gallon” and will be the same people driving when it’s $5.00/gallon.

Here are three other reasons, depicted with photos I took yesterday on the 181 bus in Pasadena, that people might not be so willing to take Metro:

Graffiti on the windows…..

Graffiti on the seats……

…and more graffiti on the seats.

I’m not an expert in market research, but if someone who has never taken a bus before (and apparently there’s a lot of people like that in the Los Angeles area) saw these pictures, it would confirm their reason not to ride a bus. Not to mention, if you’re a female and there’s toothless homeless guy who smells like Olde English trying to hit on you.

First of all - this bus I took the pictures on goes from Pasadena to Hollywood - so this could have been some wanna-be “artists” in Pasadena or Eagle Rock or Hollywood or even Glendale (Heyyyyyyyy my friend, wanna see mah graffiti, bro?). I think the MTA is at fault, though, for not cleaning up their fucking bus. How the hell do people spray graffiti on it? Do they break into the bus yard? Do they do it when the bus driver isn’t looking (a bus driver never pays attention, they are never on time or anything - so it wouldn’t surprise me - maybe while the bus driver was making a stop to run into Von’s to get something, some kids tagged the place)?

If you do shit like this, you also like to have your salad tossed in prison

I also find graffiti to be retarded and not some kind of “art form” that is “protected” by someone’s 1st amendment rights. It looks stupid, it never makes any god damned sense, and it goes to show you another reason why I don’t want my tax dollars wasted on giving public school teacher’s raises anymore. Plus, it’s vandalism - and not the cool “hack into South Pasadena’s Wikipedia article” kind of vandalism.

The point is this: the MTA is a product, a brand. If your brand shows up all shiny and fun on TV but is a piece of shit when a customer implements it, you’re not going to get a lot of return. Fix up your buses, be on the look out for these graffiti fags, and get your asses in gear, MTA.

**

PUSD parent, Oxy College prof, and the man with the dirtiest beard in Pasadena (seriously - ever met the guy?), Peter Dreier, says there’s going to be a “big march through Pasadena on Saturday, May 31st” to protest budget cuts in excess of $10 million that PUSD will be facing.

So is this march going to be like a parade?

If so, you’re going to need something big to grab people’s attention.

I think I have just the thing:

First of all, Peter Dreier is a dumb ass. Here’s a quote from an article published on the…*throws up in my mouth a little bit*…Huffington Post:

In many years of activism, I’ve rarely seen such an outpouring of genuine grassroots anger and mobilization.

Really? I mean, you and your hippie friends don’t protest like..the war, ever?! Hey, I’m angry, too. Angry that you want more fucking money to just throw out the window.

So the state is cutting your money so we can try and spend that money on more worthwhile things? I don’t see what’s wrong with that. I don’t see why some of these PUSD people are such sheep. How is more money going to fix our failing public schools when that’s all we, the taxpayers, keep doing? Paying more and more and more money for your trainwreck of a school system.

So, chew on those apples when you’re having your little Million Moron March on May 31st. If you’re a part of PUSD, good luck finding Pasadena on the map. Oh - and one more thing - it’s one foot in front of the other. Or do you need me to give you $5,000 to remember that?

Guess who’s an early Ham And Egger Award winner this week? Peter Dreier!

**

11 days until you either step down or give back portions of your stipend, Madison.

Be seeing you,

- AP

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