The Adventures of Aaron Proctor

The June 3rd election is quickly approaching and it’s about time The Most Electrifying Man In Pasadena gave his choices.

44th Assembly District

Here’s Anthony Portantino Telling Someone To “Go Get His Fucking Shinebox”

Here in the 44th Assembly District - or the “Foety-Foe” as we call it on the streets - there’s quite a stranglehold held on us by one Anthony “Fat Tony” Portantino. So much that even his Wikipedia article was hacked the other day. I’m sure that person will be wearing cement shoes quite soon. Anthony wouldn’t even give me my cut of the Lufthansa heist. By the way, Tony, I want 5 on Dartmouth.

Anthony might be from Long Branch, New Jersey and work in “waste management” but that doesn’t stop his bright-eyed and bushy-tailed challenger, one Brian Fuller.

Brian’s a Republican, he has youth (the kids seem to like that even though they forget to go out and vote), deep local roots, and a whole lot of common sense.

Straight from the elephant’s mouth when asked what his campaign is about:

It is about quality of life and how we can improve it: budget (education is in the mix as budget talks run into that big elephant in the room), freeways, gerrymandering and illegal immigration. As I am not flush with cash nor have the favorable demographics, I have to conduct a campaign that chooses its moves judiciously (thank you gerrymandering!).

Sounds good enough to me. I’ll be voting for the underdog, Brian Fuller, on June 3rd.

**

29th Congressional District

Not that Adam Schiff…

Welcome to the Two-Nine. Man, does it suck to have Adam Schiff as your Congressman. I mean, the only thing cool about the dude is that he shares the same name as a character on Law & Order from back in the day. Not only does the guy personify the term “limousine-liberal”, he’s made acting like a dick “cool” for the people who work below him, namely Pasadena City Council Members.

Adam Schiff has never once - once - returned a phone call to me - either as a plain old constituent of his OR a politician. Schiff’s a pretty unreliable dude and sources tell me he’s dumber than a bag of nails. Plus he’s got every single Democrat politican and Democrat newspaper on his jock.

What the PSN won’t really tell you, though, is that Adam actually has an opponent in June. His name is Charles Hahn. He’d like to be your Congressman in the 29th. I had the pleasure of meeting Charles at the last PRC dinner. Very nice guy.

Dude wants to get rid of inheritance taxes, stop runaway production in the movie industry (”Take that shit back to Hollywood!” as one of my District 1 friends says quite often), and lower health care costs. Fine and dandy. This is what really caught my eye, though, from his bio page:

Age 38

Cool: youth. I like that.

Married to Dr. Heidi Park, DDS for 6 years

Maybe if he gets elected, he can help fix my teeth?

Daughter, Nicole Hahn, 3 years old, who likes ballet and tap dancing

That’s cool.

Graduated UCLA, with a degree in Spanish Literature

I’m a USC fan, but that’s ok..nobody’s perfect.

Black Belts in Judo, Jiu Jit-Tsu, and Tae Kwon Do

Ok..ok…this is my 2nd favorite thing on the guy’s bio. Hahn vs. Sid Tyler - oh my god, imagine the possibilities.

Fluent in Four Languages

That’ll help out a lot, actually.

Self Employed Financial Advisor

I like the fact he’s not a former Federal Prosecutor.

Favorite Food: Cheese Burgers!

YES! There it is. Dude likes cheeseburgers. How can you NOT vote for him!?

**

Props 98 & 99

According to Joe Piasecki’s bleeding heart wussy Liberal article in the Pasadena Weekly, voting “Yes” on Proposition 98 would be like making out with Satan himself. Here’s the truth about Prop 98, though, that you won’t hear from the liberal media in Pasadena:

• First of all, none of us will ever have to hear that disgusting phrase “rent control” ever again. I mean, I was a staunch supporter of rent control before I got the real facts. Rent control ruins communities and would ruin Pasadena. Socialist Sacramento won’t be able to tell property owners what price they can sell or rent their properties.
• If you own a home, the People’s Republic of Pasadena just can’t take it from you and decide to build a “Urban Shopping Center” which will be torn up in a year and filled with graffiti and drugs.
• The government can’t take residential property and simply turn it into “government housing”.

So, I’m voting Yes on Prop 98 and No on Prop 99. If you believe in free enterprise and believe in America and don’t want neighborhoods destroyed by that ugly “rent control” word, I urge you to do the same. I also find it funny how the people telling me to vote “No” on Prop 98 are the people who laughed at me when I brought up “rent control” during my campaign. Just goes to show you who the hypocrites are in Pasadena. *coughs*Democrats*Coughs*.
For more on Prop 98, please visit this link.

**

Yes, gentlemen, this chick is a reporter. Very hot but the PSN’s dress code comes into question.

The Aaron Proctor Interview Series continues today with a most interesting guest. The Proc met up with Pasadena Star-News “Adventure Girl” reporter Michelle Mills (better known as last year’s Queen of the Doo Dah parade) and had a few drinks, all the while asking her a lot of very important questions.
The Proc: Which is more dangerous? Jumping out of an airplane or eating at the Hometown Buffet on Rosemead?

Michelle Mills: I’d rather take my chances jumping out of an airplane- that goes double if the pilot is cute!

The Proc: Sneak into Frank Girardot’s desk and get me a burbon on the rocks.

MM: No can do. Frank’s a Jack Daniels man - Gentleman Jack, that is - a real man’s drink. If that doesn’t make you happy, I might still have some tequila left in the flask I hide in my cleavage.

The Proc: After becoming Queen of the Doo Dah parade, do you have bigger aspirations? Rose Parade Grand Marshal? Balloon of yourself in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade? Guest star on “Law & Order: SVU”?

MM: Is there anything bigger than being the Queen of the 31st Occasional Doo Dah Parade? Perhaps touring as the lead vocalist of hard rock/heavy metal band or riding my ‘65 Triumph Daytona Special chopper wherever the road calls or perhaps dancing with my swords on “Monster Garage“? Oh yeah… I’ve done that..

The Proc: Why is Brendan Fraser usually in the absolute worst films?!

MM: Hmmmm… that’s a good question, as I don’t recall seeing him on the set when I worked the Troma film, “Free Ride.” It was a motorcyle beach vampire flick and I was the only one of the cast who survives. It was so bad that you can’t even find it in the 99-cent bin at the video store.

The Proc: Which of my follow pick-up lines will work on you? First one is: “Nice tiara. Wanna fuck?”

MM: Not so much…. but at least you’re somewhat honest and I do like that in a guy, although that “Electrifying” thing is sorta scary. Can I bring my whip?

The Proc: How about “Want to grab a late edition of the Saturday Evening Post?”

MM: What are you? Some old pervert in a knit sweater and red sneakers?

The Proc: What are some of your favorite TV shows?

MM: I’m not big on TV - there’s so many other better things to do - but I admit that I’m partial to “Jeopardy” and I have to watch “NCIS” because my mother calls me to talk about it. She says, “You know, the guy with the pretty eyes, well he… ” and if I miss the show I don’t know who the heck she’s talking about! “Family Guy” is pretty fun too. Oooo! and “Numb3rs” because it’s filmed at Caltech!

The Proc: You should do a new column called “Less Than Adventure Girl”. You can do things like stand on your head for 20 seconds, cut out coupons, and go to the DMV and then tell us all about it.

MM: I’ll share your suggestion with my editor when I take a break from diving with sharks, driving race cars and hanging with rock stars.

The Proc: Is Councilman Steve Madison smarter than a fifth grader?

MM: His diploma says so, but I’ll do the math if we ever split the bill for lunch.

The Proc: As Queen of the Doo Dah Parade, can you declare war on South Pasadena? I mean, any place that has a Pavilion’s and a Von’s right next to each other is totally fucked in the head.

MM: South Pasadena is already akin to a war zone with it’s poorly maintained roads and lack of streetlights. I’d rather give the town what it really needs- a big hug and some new asphalt.

The Proc: Where have all the cowboys gone?

MM: They’re up on their fences. (I heard that from the Eagles).

The Proc: Do all the ladies at the PSN miss Todd Ruiz?

MM: Oh yes, Aaron, they just sit at their desks glumly pining away for him all day… sigh….

The Proc: Is (PSN reporter) Jeanette Williams really Diana Rigg?

MM: It’s quite possible. I have spotted a pair of white platform boots under her desk.

The Proc: I’ve asked this to people before. Give me two true facts and one fake fact about yourself. Not in that order, either.

MM: I drank the entire Mt. San Antonio College Flying Team under the table. I was 86′d from the 35er for three months. I sang a duet of “Green Manalishi” with Rob Halford of Judas Priest.

The Proc: Am I wrong for wanting to punch mimes in the face?

MM: No, mimes and clowns scare me too. But snakes are cool.

The Proc: You know how that new business that sells office furniture just opened across the street from the PSN? Doesn’t that store need a more creative name than “Office Furniture”?

MM: At least you know what they sell. Crate and Barrel is very misleading….

The Proc: Speaking of things around the PSN, you know the talking walk signals at Lake & Colorado? Wouldn’t they be way funnier if they were in Huell Howser’s voice?

MM: Even better if they were in Darth Vader’s voice!

The Proc: This question was a derogatory question about Larry Wilson and has been removed.

MM: Thank you. Larry’s a pretty cool guy and I like working with him.

The Proc: Who would win in a fight between the lead singer of Cinderella and the lead singer of Night Ranger?

MM: Let’s see, Cinderella hails from Philly, while Night Ranger came from San Francisco… My bet is gonna go on Motley Crue.

The Proc: Do you feel discriminated against when people ask if blondes or brunettes have more fun?

MM: Heck no~ everyone knows redheads rock!

The Proc: Remember when kids used to have to make dioramas for book reports in grade school? I miss making those.

MM: Oooo, I loved making those too, especially for my dead Japanese beetle, butterfly and dragonfly collection.

The Proc: What do you think of the blogosphere?

MM: Why? What are the bloggers saying about me?

The Proc: Ever hear that local Goth band Demonika & The Darklings? Aren’t they pretty terrible?

MM: I don’t care for their sound, but I have to admire their tenacity and ability to always have a gig somewhere.

The Proc: Follow-up question: Isn’t every Goth band (post 1987) pretty terrible?

MM: Most are too commercial for my taste, but I am a fan of Cradle of Filth and Lacuna Coil.

The Proc: Board games. “Trouble” or “Sorry”?

MM: “Battleship.”

The Proc: Remember the days before cell phones when people actually had to memorize or write down phone numbers?

MM: Omigawd, you mean I can stop carrying that address book in my purse?!

The Proc: What’s the best blog in Pasadena run by a former Mayoral candidate whose initials are A.P.?

MM: Hmmm… Could it be “The Adventures of Aaron Proctor”?

MM (cont’d): Thank you for inviting me for an interview. It is a pleasure and an honor to be included in your series. And super thanks for not stiffing me with the tab from our more-than-three-martini lunch!

Your readers are invited to learn more about me at www.insidesocal.com/doodah and Mickie’s Zoo. They can read my journalistic efforts at www.sgvn.com and www.dabelly.com. And lastly, learn where I’m dancing next at www.almasearabesque.com.

**

Hey, as much bad as I say about the PSN (and I say a LOT of bad things about the PSN), at least they have some cool people over there. Except Fred Ortega. He’s a ham and egger.

Tomorrow: Robert Parry joins the Series. Robert keeps the politicos in line over in Monrovia - so I don’t have to.

Any time the City Council gladhands PUSD, take a shot. You’ll be drunk tonight.

Happy Monday,

- AP

Take me to your heart
Feel me in your bones
Just one more night
And I’m comin’ off this
Long & winding road

I’m on my way
I’m on my way
Home sweet home
Tonight, tonight
I’m on my way
I’m on my way
Home sweet home

- Motley Crue, “Home Sweet Home”

Happy Tuesday that feels like a Monday (for me).

Kelli and I are all moved in to our brand new place. Man, what a difference three days makes. Is it just me or does District 4 have a lot of peaceful, quiet neighborhoods? Just another selling point on why it’s the best district in the City. Oh - and special thanks to my buddy, Jake Belcher, who finished building our computer desk.

A couple of things before I get to the usual rigmarole:

• Comments are back. Yes, that’s right. You can now comment again. You will still have to wait until I moderate your comment but I’m not having problems unmoderating them. For the 2,000 or so legit comments I’ve received since January, well, I just deleted them. No offense, but I have shit to do - and going through 8,000+ spam & regular comments isn’t one of them.
• If you’re expecting prolific posting (as WCGB called it) from me, you’re not going to get it. Even though I’m back in full effect on the Interwebs, I’ve decided I’ll keep the new tradition going of one “A.M.” post - and maybe I’ll have a special, additional “P.M.” post once in a while.
• Finally, e-mail. I may have mentioned this before but I dropped the “nuwaivaaron” AOL account. You can contact me at my teamproctor address. If you don’t know that account, hit up the “Contact” option at the top of this site.

Welcome Back, Kotter.

**

According to the Pasadena-Angel Soft News, the “geniuses” (using that term very loosely) over at the Dome were to consider a smoking ban last night.

We all know which Top Dog is Mr. Anti-Smoking and will probably be leading the way on this one. Just another example of Pasadena messing with people’s personal and legal freedoms. Of course, no one is going to get into a big uproar about this because second hand smoke apparently affects Californians more than it does anyone else in the nation.

Just when you thought it was safe not to call the guy a dick…

I’m a smoker, so I’m obviously biased. With that said, I’m very respectful of non-smokers. I won’t smoke outdoors say, at a bus stop or an ATM (two places they’re trying to ban smoking in Pasadena), if someone else is there and they aren’t smoking. I will move far away if I see a child walking down the street.

I’m also very passionate about the rights of human beings - especially rights made legal by the government. Seems like they’re saying it’s ok to buy cigarettes if you’re over 18, it’s ok to grow the products used to make cigarettes, but it’s not OK to smoke. Just ban the fucking things if you don’t like them so much.

One of the things the government should be doing is protecting us - you know, from terrorism and from other evildoers. One thing the government shouldn’t be doing is acting like they are our mom. “You know, this is bad for you, so we’re not going to let you do it.” That would be totally o.k. with me if it was my mom’s patio, not an MTA bus stop.

When will the line be crossed? When will the City of Pasadena start trying to regulate what we do indoors? Hey - if we’re banning smoking because it annoys people, let’s ban shit that annoys me. Those gas guzzling Hummers that I see everywhere - let’s not let them in Old Town. Let’s require everyone to drive Hybrids. Let’s tell those ugly bitches who wear those big Paris Hilton sunglasses to stop hanging out at the Paseo.

Gordo mentioned something last night about sending the wrong message to Sacramento about a separate, unrelated issue than I’m speaking about above - how about sending the wrong message to the rest of America? You know - the one that says: “Welcome To Pasadena. A Bunch Of Pussies Run This City. Don’t Smoke (And Good Luck Parking Overnight).”

Yeah, first it’s banning smoking and cutting the balls off of pit bulls - next it will be what websites you can and can’t go to.

Maybe that China float was a good idea, after all.  People’s Republic of Pasadena.

**

Speaking of last night’s Council meeting, I did catch some of it. It seemed like it went pretty long last night. I can’t even do the dais justice like my fellow blogger, Dormitas, does with his “blow by blows”. Here, though, is what I did pick up from last night:

• People are really passionate about keeping the Ad Hoc Youth Violence committee going. People are always really passionate about wasting the City’s time and taxpayers’ money as well, I guess.
• Von’s is selling Hot Pockets 4 for $11. How do I know this? I dropped $200 in groceries during the Council meeting.
• The “M” in Victor M. Gordo stands for “Mariscos“.
• The “F” in Sidney F. Tyler stands for “Fucking”.
• How come Triple H had to fight twice last night? William Regal isn’t that great of a general manager.
• Barney really looks like an all-pro up there on the dais. So what are we spending $30,000 on to look for someone else for? Oh, right, schadenfreude.
• Holy Shit! I get CBS College Sports TV.
• I didn’t see Jane Rodriguez. Missed out on her and the other Councilmembers missed out on her legs. I heard she’s retiring soon, too. Then again - who is this DeWolf chick from the Planning Commission? *wolf whistles*

**

If you think I’m channeling Jim Laris on the following rant, you’re right.

The Proc says moving this weekend was pretty fun.  It’s always nice to move into a place 50 times the size of the old place.  It’s also very nice to sleep in a bed and not a futon for the first time in like, 10 years.

It’s always an adventure when you move into a new place.  Going through old CD’s you haven’t listened to in years.  Finding pictures of your family you accidentally put in a box marked “hamdingers”.  Figuring out where the TV goes and claiming the left side of the sofa before your girlfriend does for maximum TV viewing is a plus.

You know what sucks, though?  Putting shit together.  I wonder to myself - Who makes these instruction manuals? Why did they label this one shelf “Part G” yet there isn’t a sticker or anything on the side of it saying what part it is? How come the estimated time it says to put together a small CD rack is “1 hour” but it took me, a guy with a 165 IQ, and a pretty smart girlfriend to boot, two people - about 3 hours?

And how come they always give you either too many screws or not enough parts?

I also hate those little tiny Allen wrenches they give you.  You know - the ones that are so tiny, you should have a 5 year old put your furniture together.

Apparently, the douchebags at Sauder - who make 99% of the furniture in my new place - don’t know the answers to the aforementioned questions, either.  At least they have a hotline you can call for extra parts - which is only open Monday through Friday when they damn well know most red-blooded Americans move on the weekend.  If you’re building an entertainment center at 3 o’clock in the afternoon on a Wednesday, chances are you’re a terrorist.  Or maybe you’re a Muir High School teacher from Arcadia.
So, I have a pile of wood in the foyer between the kitchen and the living room that is supposed to be a “multimedia rack”.  I’ve got to wait 4 to 5 business days for a new part - because the one shelf-end they gave me doesn’t have any holes or screws or anything in it.  If I never get that part, at least I can build a fort for the cats.
I guess you get what you pay for.

Join me here tomorrow when the Aaron Proctor Interview Series continues with Centinel of the Foothill Cities Blog.  (I know, I know, I promised that for today).

Burgers,

- AP

Google: We run the world.

The Proc was using GOOG-411 the other day to find a phone number.  It’s a useful, free 411 service provided by, you guessed it, Google.  Using the system is pretty easy - although I felt like Deckard in Blade Runner in the scene where he’s telling that little computer to move around a photo.

So, this morning I decided to mess around with the system a little bit.  You see, when you call in it asks you for your City and State followed by an inquiry for a local business or service.  Naturally, I said “Pasadena, California” followed by “Aaron Proctor“.

The results were hilarious.  The first result was the Altadena Public Library (site of one of my forums when I ran for Mayor).  The third result was the City of Pasadena.  Other results include Brit’s, Frank & Dean’s (which - according to a reader - says the interior looks like somewhere Goren & Eames would look for suspects), and - of course - Robin’s.  I’m assuming since they couldn’t find a listing for my name, they just searched for local businesses and stumbled upon my website where I’ve talked about these places.  Pretty awesome.

**

“No, ma’am, I cannot sculpt a statue of David out of ribs”

Speaking of Robin’s, the owner & former City Council candidate, Robin Salzer, is headed to Europe for a few weeks to attend a family event.  A little barbecued birdie told me he’ll be hitting up Switzerland on his way to Italy.  So, a month from now, everyone in La Suisse will be eating Mesquite chocolate bars.  Mmmm-mmmm.

**

If anyone cares, the historic Herikmer building was sold for $2.5 million.  Apparently, it’s not real news - or else it wouldn’t be in the worst newspaper I’ve ever read.

According to Emma Peel in the Star-Blues:

Heritage Housing Partnership, an offshoot of Pasadena Heritage, has bought the historic Herkimer Arms apartments as the centerpiece of a $2.5 million project in Northwest Pasadena.

The group announced plans Tuesday to move the rare eight-unit building - the only known apartments by Greene and Greene - from Fuller Seminary’s campus for conversion to two market-rate condominiums.

The $10 purchase - hailed by Fuller officials as a “win-win situation” for all concerned - comes three months after the collapse of a contentious year-long effort by developer Fil Salcedo to move the building to North Marengo Avenue, making way for the seminary’s planned $30-million Worship Center.  

Oh - and by the way - there was a another racially-motivated shooting in Pasadena, too.  Shhhh…don’t tell anyone.  At least our historic heritage will be preserved!! Rose Bowl!  Green Week!  WOOOO!

Whatever happened to that violence committee? 

They’re polishing the doors on the Maserati.

Bon Mercredi,

- AP

 

Stone Cold For Pasadena Mayor 

I hope everyone had a great Valentine’s Day.  While I showered my sweetheart in chocolates and other goodies, she got me The Legacy of Stone Cold Steve Austin DVD.  I’ve already watched the first disc and - my oh my - it’s a pretty good documentary so far.  If you’re a wrestling fan, The Proc highly recommends it.  Austin’s career spanned the big changeover in the pro wrestling industry - when it went from cutsey-”I love the fans” babyface good guys to guys who used profanity, beat up their boss, and still received admiration from legions wrestling fans.

Also, a lot of people yesterday learned about March 14th a/k/a Steak & BJ Day.  Thanks to Frazgo over at Metroblogging LA for educating even more people.  I mean - what a concept!  Steak? Good.  Blowjobs? Great!  Get that A-1 Steak Sauce and DVD of “Caligula” ready.

**

 

Pasadena Police Chief, Interim City Manager, and in the lead for the role of Joe Friday in the next Dragnet film - Barney Melekian 

In this week’s P-Dub, an article by “Mr. Thursday Morning” Andre Coleman discusses interim CM Barney Melekian’s wishes to become permanent CM Barney Melekian.  There are definitely pros and cons to this whole thing.  I mean, I don’t blame the guy - I’d definitely pick sitting in a nice cushy seat behind the dais with all of my buddies over risking my life every single day.  I mean - what’s safer than a City Council meeting?  Right??

Oh, wait…maybe I should take that back.  Sorry about that, chief. 

I don’t really dislike Melekian.  Sure, I pick on him, but I pick on every one (who deserves it).  The problem is - it would be another way to stack the deck against the real people in Pasadena.  It’s no secret he’s nearly down with guys like Bogaard like Jay-Z is down with Beyonce (Note for Ann Erdman: the latter are two pop stars who are dating).  Although everyone’s excuse for having anybody in office who still shouldn’t be in office is their “affability” or “likeability”, does it really serve the people in this City to have another ”Yes-man” to the Evil Empire? 

We need someone who can see through all of this limo liberal bullshit from a mile away.  Someone who is there to be a City Manager and not an extra, non-elected City Council member who will undoubtedly serve the people who put him there rather than the people who are part of ”the Club”.  Although I’m not in 100% agreement with what Iron Maggie states in the article, we do need to see what’s out there before we just go with Barney.  A majority of the Council, though, asks “Why buy the milk when you get the police chief for free?”

**

 

Artist’s depiction of Wayne Lusvardi

Wayne Lusvardi busts Measure D wide open with a left cross and leaves Paul Little in a pool of political blood in this recent article.  He protests that while Measure D may have won the battle, the City of Pasadena won the moral war. 

I’m not one to dissect things quite as fastidiously as Mr. Lusvardi, though.  I simply think Measure D passed due to a lot of voter ignorance.  There’s a ton of people in the Crown City who only vote in Presidential primaries and general elections.  They don’t know who Bogaard is, they don’t know what taxes they’re voting yes on, they could give a damn about what goes on here because, in their eyes, the national election is more important than the local election.

In fact, a local election hits your home far more than a national one does.  Let’s face it - some people are just plain stupid.  I highly doubt most people read the “Yes” or “No” on Measure D flyers.  Well, let me say, anyone who voted “Yes” on Measure D is either stupid, misinformed, mildly retarded and drooling, or in the back pocket of Bogaard/in the crotch of Madison.

I can’t wait to see what the City of Pasadena’s argument is against my term limits idea.  I’m sure we’ll be seeing tons of literature about how “bad” it is for people to serve on Council for 100 years.  I’m sure retractors of term limits will say “Look at their supporters - he’s just a crazy guy who used to wear make-up” and pull out pictures of me from a year ago.  People who claim they care about the people but are quick to dismiss someone who isn’t in their little club. 

I’m just happy I’m going to be shaking things up here in Pasadena.  Term limits are right for Pasadena.  The way Measure D was handled is exact proof.

**

 

Get a fucking job.

If you frequent Old Town, you may have noticed an influx of homeless people as of late.  This is partially due to the fact that idiots at Union Station in LA give them bus tokens and they take the Gold Line here to harass all of us.  And I’m serious about harass:  these bums have been getting more and more agressive by the day.

A co-worker of mine went to the General Store down on Fair Oaks yesterday afternoon and was verbally accosted by this old chick because she watched him buy a can of Coke and he didn’t buy one for her.  I saw this same woman this morning in Mills Alley - asking me - actually yelling at me - for $2 while she’s holding a cigarette in one hand and a Starbucks cup in the other. 

Then you’ve got the weirdo cat guy who sits on Colorado - between Fair Oaks & Raymond.  Then you’ve got the lamest homeless of all: the punk rocker kids who have a nice cozy home to go to but want to be “cool” and not shower and get all offended when an apparent “square” like me doesn’t give them a dime.

I’m not a hypocrite by any means.  Long time readers of this blog know my trials and tribulations last year when I lost my job and was nearly homeless.  It’s not like I didn’t exercise my resources though.  I’m fully aware tragedy can strike someone any time, any place.  I remember seeing this homeless guy at the Penn Center train station as a child who I later found out was a pretty prosperous archetict whose wife left him, his house burned down, and his family disowned him.  You’ve got to figure, though, 95% of these people are there because of drugs, booze, and other general loser-ness.

I’m just sick of running into homeless people all over Old Town, of all places.  You know - the place where they send 20 cops to bust a guy for making a scene on a bus?  You’d think the Pasadena Elite would want to protect precious Old Town.

Here’s a few solutions if you’re ever run into by one of these aforementioned peeps (not all of them by me) that seem to work - and if not - are downright hilarious:  

• Tell them you already gave $20 to another homeless guy nearby and didn’t plan ahead.
• Pull a quarter out of your pocket, pretend like you’re going to hand it to them, and then throw it in the other direction.
• Say “I know a guy who has tons of money” and have them write down Victor Gordo’s address. 
• Tell them you’ll meet them in 5 minutes with some cash.  Walk away and never come back.
• Get all Michael Douglas in “Falling Down” and inform them Pasadena isn’t their pissing ground and to go back to dirty Los Angeles where they came from. Handing them a suitcase which only contains an apple and a sandwich would work wonders with this.

Hero. 

Well - that about wraps it up for this week.  Have a great weekend and a safe three-day weekend if you’re lucky enough to be off on President’s Day.

Stand & Deliver.

- AP

Some new faces of 2007 (From left to right): District 1 Councilwoman Jacque Robinson, District 2 Councilwoman Margaret McAustin, and “Planny” - the Planning Commission dalmatian.

By the power vested in me by hyperlinking and blog archiving, here’s a shout out to the year 2007 - one of the most memorable years of not only my life but Pasadena’s as well.
2007 was definitely a year that saw both challenges for me in my personal life and for the City of Pasadena. While my life saw me unjustly fired from two jobs in the same year and subsequently being exiled to St. Louis, Pasadena saw gang violence, strip club buy outs, Rose Bowl float drama, door hanger drama, developer drama, high school football game drama, a police chief doubling as a City Manager, long-time PUSD board members upset from their seats, and lots, lots more.

Kimberley Brown ran against Steve Madison in the District 6 Council election. I’d like to have her in my polling place, if you catch my drift.

The year started out with some exciting Council and PUSD board races - all culminating with the March Primary election and the April runoff election (well, the latter if you didn’t get trounced by Mayor Bogaard).

Danny Bakewell made hell for Council to quell.

This very blog blossomed and came into its own a few weeks after the dust cleared from the election. As you’ll see, this site started out as my own personal campaign site. After the election, it became a place where I continually posted my attempts at comedic musings, controversial rants, controversial musings, and comedic rants (Ha!).
Ever since late March or early April, this site has become a favorite of elected officials, political candidates, anonymous pundits, newspaper reporters, crazy liberal bitches, bitches with smokin’ bodies, family members, erstwhile school board members, losers on professional wrestling message boards, Nigerian porno spammers, and Average Joes.

Local bloggers Centinel (left) and Dormitas (right).

And it’s not just this blog either. The entire blogsophere - moreso Blogadena - has grown to be quite the influential source from everything like straight information to complete ridicule of/on our leaders. More people pay attention to what goes on at historic City Hall than ever before. Let’s band together and make 2008 even more memorable!

When I was a kid, I was a big fan of those “Choose Your Own Adventure” books. So why not sit a spell and do just that - choose your own Proctor-guided adventure in the archives of 2007.

• January
• February
• March
• April
• May
• June
• July
• August
• September
• October
• November
• December
• Febtabuary

Breakdown: 2007 In Numbers

• 195,000: The number of total hits for the year 2007 this site will reach sometime just before the end of the year.
• 8: The number of people on City Council (including the Mayor) who read this blog.
• Approximately 2300: The number of times the word ‘fuck’ is used on this site.
• 47: The number of times I’ve pissed people off.
• 86 minutes: The amount of time it takes Mayor Bogaard to finish a sentence.
• 48: Updated - number of times I’ve pissed people off.
• 3,000,000: The number of people I pissed off in the St. Louis area.
• $5,000,000: The amount the City spent to rid it of a strip club (the amount invested in to gang violence was far less).
• 40: Ounces of King Cobra goodness.
• $10 million: The amount Victor Gordo claimed we need in order to pay our police officers and fire fighters, in support of 2008’s worst decision, Measure D.
• $25 million: The amount in surplus the City actually will have. So why do we need Measure D again?
• 65,000 or so: The number of registered voters in Pasadena
• 5: The number of registered voters in Pasadena who vote
• 4: The number of registered voters in Pasadena who can name the Mayor or any member of City Council
• 73: The number of times Joe Hopkins attributed gang violence to a late 80’s or early 90’s hip hop group
• 8,294: The number of hours for entire City Council meetings this year
• 277: The number of times Jim Lomako used the phrase “granny flats” during the District 2 election
• 3,156: The amount of people who think things located just above Washington & Allen are part of incorporated Pasadena and not unincorporated Pasadena or Altadena.
• 1472: The number of geniuses in Pasadena.

Some Things I Learned In 2007

• John Shaft is a complicated man and no one understands him but his woman.
• Sid Tyler doesn’t use e-mail, he uses fe-male.
• The Midwest isn’t good for anything except cheap alcohol and cheap cigarettes.
• No MTA or ARTS bus in Pasadena is ever on time.
• Martin Truitt is 7 feet tall, weighs 650 pounds, and lives in a cave under the Allen Gold Line station.
• Running for office doesn’t get you a burger named after you. Calling the owner of a restaurant a ‘dick’ in the Pasadena Weekly does.
• Ace Star-News reporter Todd Ruiz and I have both seperately had sexual relations with this one chick back in our younger days. She had good taste.  UPDATE (Dec 27, 2007):  Chick pulls a Steve Madison and cries to me about this.  I took her picture down…here’s the e-mail I sent back:

  Because I'm a nice guy, a paragon of virtue, an icon, a superstar, role
  model, genius, et al....and since it's Kwanzaa, I'll take down your
  picture from that entry.
  
  It's a shame you don't have a sense of humor.  Then again, that's why
  you're a 30 year old Goth chick.
  
  - AP
  www.proctorformayor.com

• This chick on Law & Order: SVU reminds me of Jane Rodriguez.
• The Philadelphia Eagles and the Philadelphia Phillies are responsible for breaking my heart twice.
• Giving up the eyeliner and the eyeshadow and the weird clothes has been one of the better decisions I’ve made in life.
• Pasadena needs a Wendy’s and an Arby’s.
• City Council public comment cards make decent paper airplanes.
• Steve Haderlein is a sexy mofo.
• The hairstyle that Emo kids have is called a “Cry shield”. The kind of kids who listen to Emo are called “eleven-teens”.
• Jill organizes fun picnics.
• Former District 2 City Councilman Paul Little used steroids between his 2001 and 2003 terms.
• That guy on Orange Grove isn’t going to use the 50 cents you gave him to buy food.

I guess that all sums up 2007.
Merry Christmas & Happy New Year!

- AP

I typed Heritage Square into Google Images and this picture came up. I’m not joking.

Well, it’s another Monday night and it’s another night of City Council wackiness for all of Pasadena. I’m watching at home on TV because it’s easier to yell shit at the Councilmembers. Like great buddy movies like “Stir Crazy” and “Tango & Cash”, I’m sure you’ll get a “blow by blow” over on Dormitas’ site sometime soon, too.
Why do the meetings always start even a few minutes late? Maybe they should move the time on the agenda to 6:40, 6:45 since that’s the time the meetings usually start. It looks like everyone (including Maserati Madison) is here for an interesting night of power politics.

The night began with Sexy Steve looking sexy and making a presentation to Bob Monk of the Rose Bowl Operating Company. Guess he’s a former University of Wisconsin football player who is stepping down from the RBOC. Haderlein presented Monk with a replica of Monk’s original Wisconsin Badgers jersey. That’s cool, I guess. El Pollo Gordo chimed in with more info for Bob Monk, especially the fact that Bob Monk influenced Gordo’s all-star football & political careers. Apparently there’s a $300 million project coming up at the Rose Bowl. Yippee. Kelli & I noticed Sexy Steve has loosened up a bit - anybody else notice that? I guess his Mayoral campaign has already begun. He even cracked a few jokes tonight.

Kelli: “How To Cut An Hour Out Of City Council Meetings: Turn off Madison’s microphone!”

Peeps from the Ritz-Carlton spoke on public comment. They’re upset about the possibility of the Ritz-Carlton being converted into condominiums. Cynthia Kurtz let us all know the Carlton can’t just make a 100% condo conversion. Apparently, the owners want to make some of the units into vacation condos - a side of travel & hospitality that I’m very familiar with as I used to work in that industry. People are the R-C are worried they’ll lose their jobs because they won’t need as much staff if some of the units (rumored to be 50%) are turned into privately owned timeshare-esque units. So, to summarize, Public Comment became Comentario Publico for a little while.

This was the point where I noticed Maserati Madison was wearing pinstripes - looking like a liberal mobster.

A guy spoke about the things going on in Burma/Myanmar right now which drummed up some conversation about China’s float in the Rose Parade. Madison covered the City’s ass and reminded us all that City Council doesn’t have anything to do with the floats being entered in the parade. He made it sound like City Council doesn’t have any pull whatsoever with the Tournament of Roses. I doubt that one.

Chris Holden looks good in purple

The Consent Calendar made its debut and the next 30 minutes or so were spent talking about where and how Pasadena will be getting water in case of an upcoming drought. Sid Tyler causes a drought when he brushes his teeth. So, Public Works guys like Martin Pastucha and Colonel Eric Klinker got to speak. Richard Bruckner made his semi-weekly cameo. Smilin’ Richard and the City Council talked about stuff that, I believe, we pretty much already knew. Hey - I knew the place would get filled up with hot air at some point!

By this time, it was near 8 o’clock. Madison, Tyler, and Mayor Bogaard have been talking the most. Everyone else is really quiet - not much to talk about , I guess. Hey - the graphics KPAS is putting up are looking better.

Nate, I mean Chris Holden suggested moving the public comment on condo conversions to next week’s meeting. Cynthia talked about putting a 45 day moratorium on all condo conversions in the City. I guess that’s the cliffhanger teaser for next week’s meeting.

And now the moment everyone was waiting for. Heritage Square. Bogaard gives a soliloquy (I’m surprise the lights didn’t dim and a small spotlight didn’t shine on BB) about how the Northwest is important and that the beauty and success of Old Town and Downtown need to be passed onto the Northwest, something that obviously hasn’t happened yet. Bogaard discussed “intent and impact”. He went into length about the Bakewell drama and apologized for the “loss of decorum” (a/k/a “fun”) and offending anybody by not selecting Bakewell. His apology did seem honest and legit, if you ask me. Anyhow, he wants to review and rededicate the Northwest Plan - you know, the plan whose priority to the Council is just under the plan to watch paint dry.

Cynthia Kurtz had four recommendations for Heritage Square:

1. What should they build there? She thinks senior living and some family townhomes are a good idea. She wants another 45 days (it’s all about those fucking 45 days, huh?) to go back to the community and ask them what they think.

2. Affordable family units should not be built there.

3. There’s a $13.4 million land value, she said, according to Century Housing. The city bought the land for $8 million, I think I heard.

4. Who will build at Heritage Square?

Basically, we just got a 45 day extension on stuff we’ve all been wondering and wanting answered since the summer. Shit, I was in St. Louis when most of this stuff started happening. Ramp it up, City Council.

Public comment continued past 8:30 p.m. and that’s where they all are now. I’m listening to people talk about affordable housing - asking Proctor-esque questions like “Affordable for whom”. People are also hoping the Heritage Square situation is a fair process and telling the City they’re not limited to one developer and that it’s ok to have more than one developer/”friend” to this community. I just turned around because someone said there’s no sissys up on City Council. LOL.

City Manager Cynthia Kurtz (second from the left). Who is her hot friend pictured to the right?

Let’s check out the Fantasy City Council League scoreboard:

Western Conference

Council Member / Total Points (Points Earned This Week)

1. Mayor Bill Bogaard - 40 (5)
2. District 3 - Chris Holden - 23 (10)
3. District 1 - Jacque Robinson - 22 (0)
4. District 6 - Steve Madison - 6 (0)
***

Eastern Conference

1. District 4 - Steve Haderlein - 55 (15)
2. District 5 - Victor Gordo - 50 (5)
3. District 2 - Margaret McAustin - 25 (0)
4. District 7 - Sid Tyler - 20 (0)

Not really many changes except Steve Haderlein moving ahead of Victor in the Eastern Conference. Holden moved into second place in the Wizest as he got points for the “if if and ands were pots and pans, the whole world would be a kitchen” line re: Heritage Square and for getting Council to move forward. Madison continues to bore us all. The mostly quiet Iron Margaret got a little rowdy in public comment. I wish Cynthia Kurtz was competing - she was kind of the real winner tonight. I hear her days as City Manager may be numbered *cough*RickCole*cough*, though.
So, aside from some minor excitement from Part 2 of Public Comment, nothing really happened of strong note except Bogaard’s Churchill-esque apology. Another semi-dull meeting (that got kind of good after the 9 pm mark) with Haderlein making sure to tell us we’re all stupid for talking about the use of public funds to go to the building of market value homes.

The general idea from everyone is that it’s time to move on with a new developer for Heritage Square and stop fucking around with semantics, etc.

And someone said Pasadena should stand for integrity. Preaching to the choir - but I don’t know if the Council is alway listening. Though, the same person said they’d like to see Bakewell build Heritage Square because “someone from the community should do something for the community”. Too bad Danny Bakewell lives in Bradbury, not Pasadena. So he’s not “from the community”.

Gordo still loves those drive-thrus.

Guess there’s no updates from the Youth Violence committee. Someone get them some more refreshments. (Update: Dormitas is reporting they are meeting.)

UPDATE: It’s 10:45 pm and the Council meeting is still going on.  It’s a marathon, folks.

- AP

James MacPherson of Pasadena Now (courtesy Eye Level Pasadena) 

Back in August, I posted an entry on how to write an article like L-Dub.

Now, I’m going to teach you an easier way to be a newshound.  I love you, J-Mac, but it’s your turn

Yes, with my free class, in just 2 short minutes you’ll be able to write just like Pasadena Now!

Check out this example story:

EXCLUSIV?E: The Snacks Councilmember?s Enjoy?
?Here’s what Marga?ret McAu#tin and Chris Olden are sn?acking? on befoer meetings?

Article and photos by STAFF WRITER?S
Friday, September 21 | 5:10 pm

When you watch city council meeting’s? what do you think these council. Members are chewing on besides the fact of red?tape politics?

District % COuncilWo?man Margaret McAutsin likes graham crakers while Chris Holden? prefers Chips Ahoy’? Cookes.

�Stay tuned to Pasad@na Now? for more;

information.

All you need to write like Pasadena Now are the following:

• Random punctuation and symbols in the middle of words.
• Question marks after non-questions.
• Spacing errors
• Flash animation errors
• Print letters from Gene Masuda and Claire Bogaard
• Exclusive stories that are really trivial like “Bogaard Wins 2nd Game Of Parcheesi” or “Holden To Wake Up Early, Shower”
• Have a website only viewable with a Commodore 64
• Boast that you got said “breaking news” before the P-Star and the P-Dub

Easy as 1, 2, j?

- AP

If you haven’t noticed, Blogadena (the entire Pasadena blogosphere) has been buzzing about PSN editor Larry Wilson’s new blog.

Check out this article on Foothill Cities to see what I mean:

http://thefcblog.com/2007/08/20/larry-wilson-strikes-again/

I’ve figured out how to write an editorial or article just like L-Dub. You just need to follow these four key pointers:

1. Name-drop irrelevant people. (Presidents of Elks Lodges, people who own ice cream parlors, the guy who cuts your dog’s hair)
2. Get all unnecessarily descriptive like John Steinbeck in the Red Pony about boring things like eating a tomato, having coffee, Whittier, or not-using profanity.
3. Make sure to remind us all how stupid we really are.
4. Reference the band Television

*****
Going To The Supermarket

By Larry Wilson

I arrived at my lavish Pasadena estate to find out I was plum out of avocados. It was time to go to the supermarket and that time was upon us. I needed to see what else I could pick up at the store or write an editorial about. As I foraged through my Kenmore refrigerator I bought in 2002, I found all sorts of interesting items that remind me of how glad I am to be a Pasadenan.
My eyes soon focused on an unused packet of mustard I left in the butter compartment. Oh, yellow mustard. The site and taste of it just takes me back to the time Johnny McShankelby, assistant custodian for the Pasadena-El Monte League of Bread Salesman Aerie #6251A, had sandwiches at Ricky’s, a diner you’ve never heard of. Johnny McShankelby used to sing old 60’s protest songs that he learned from Issac Richard while applying the yellow stuff to his pastrami sandwiches, which he liked to order with fresh iceberg lettuce.

I wonder whatever happened to Johnny McShankelby. We’d have such irreverent conversation over coffee and donuts at a little place on Colorado that didn’t allow people who weren’t famous editors like myself to eat there. Guys like Rene Amy and the Pasadena school board could sure learn a lesson from those coffee corrals.

****

- AP