The Adventures of Aaron Proctor

Congratulations to CM Punk. This guy became the WWE World Champion last night on what was an unusually amazing episode of Monday Night RAW. Not only did CM Punk work his way up from the independent ranks to do this (and became quite the fan favorite) - he’s a great guy to be representing WWE at the moment. You see, CM Punk - in real life and in character - is “Straight Edge”. No drugs, no cigarettes, no alcohol, nothing. Now, I’m not down with the no cigarettes/no alcohol/no sex before marriage lifestyle (actually I think being “Straight Edge” is pretty lame) - but with all the steroids shit going on in the WWE and other sports/entertainment, there’s nobody better to represent the company.

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The Proc has been analyzing District 2 City Councilmember Paul Little’s recent blog entry lately:

Council passed the annual operating budget last Monday night. Mostly, from what I can see the budget is appropriate.

I do have one serious concern: they added nearly $4 million more to the city’s General Fund reserve. Ok. Reserves help with stability, and generally I don’t have an issue with a healthy reserve. BUT, Pasadena already has a very healthy General Fund reserve. So healthy, the city recently earned a AAA bond rating.

Here’s my gripe, when they were campaigning for passage of Measure D, which I supported, the Mayor, former city manager, current interim city manager and the Council said they faced an emergency if the Utility User Tax wasn’t extended. BUT, now that the have the UUT in place, the city leaders are taking cash and putting it in their own reserve funds. NOT using it for services. NOT using it for constituent support. NOT using it for anything at all. If there was an emergency in February and it no longer exists, it seems to me only fair that, rather than line the city’s bank account, the appropriate action would have been to rebate that $3.7 million to the folks who pay the Utility User Tax.

As for the argument that other cityies have higher reserves — those cities don;t enjoy a AAA bond rating. They also don;t have a utility company that generates mass quantities of money on a daily basis and that carries both a reserve and a working capital reserve valued together at more than 15% of the General Fund budget. Oh, and let’s not forget the Capital Projects Reserve and a host of other funds carrying balances to hedge against lost revenue or emergencies.

So, I have take my hat off to Martin Truitt and Wayne Lusvardi, who apparently were prescient when they said that the city didn’t have an emergency, didn’t need the UUT renewal and that city leadership was only going to fatten its own wallet with the money.

In times of economic stress, I do find it difficult to accept a city government that increases its own reserves rather than do what it can to relieve the stress on its citizens and businesses.

Well, duh. Measure D was such a fucking crock - but hardly anyone listened, did they? Paul Little’s entry is great and all - but I’m still wondering - why did he exactly support Measure D in the first place? Why didn’t he do his own research? He would have come to the same conclusion that Truitt and Lusvardi did. Right? Why all of the 20/20 hindsight now, Paul? You’re a big voice in this City, a lot of us tend to listen when you speak - why didn’t you take the time to see how big of a hornswoggle Measure D really was?

Speaking of being bamboozled - according to Rene Amy - the PUSD is proposing a $350,000,000.00 (yes that’s $350 million) bond measure to go on November’s ballot. And if that doesn’t outrage you - maybe Rene’s description should:

…folks may not actually realize that bonds are like a mortgage
that all property owners in the district must pay back through increases
in their yearly property taxes.

Such bonds are typically paid back over 30 year.

We’ve still got about 20 years left on paying the mortgage on Measure Y.

So, this next bond would be like a second mortgage - with extra added
payments due year in and year out….

Oh, what the fuck. $350 million? In Steve Haderlein math, that’s 70 Peppermint Gardens. (Take a shot). So, PUSD is going to try to be all cool and sneak this bond measure on the ballot with, ya know, the biggest Presidential election ever - and have people just blindly vote “yes” on it because they’re skipping everything else to go vote for the President.

Are they insane!? If we’re still paying money back on Measure Y - which I still have yet to see numbers supporting what exactly, if anything, Measure Y solved - are we, as citizens, going to shell out another $350 million so the geniuses at PUSD can bring gangsta rappers to show kids the way or pay Virginia Hoge more money to stroke their academic cocks?

Of course - I’m sure the same people who supported Measure D will tell us what a good idea this is. Then, a few months later, one of their main supporters will come out and tell us that they were basically a shill and that this bond measure is faker than most women’s tits out here.

Crimeny. Is there anyone with a brain left!?

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Bloggers picnic photo. Courtesy WCGB:

Front row: The 99 Cent Chef, Pasadena Daily Photo, Ed Padgett.

Middle: Miss Havisham, Irina.

Standing in the back: Monrovia City Watch, WCGB, the cool dude Adam who hangs out with Brian Fuller, Kelli with an i, Ann Erdman, Susan Kitchens (who got me blogging in the first place).

The taller guys in the very back: Brian Fuller, Aaron Proctor, a space for Centinel, Frazgo.

Not pictured: The Sky Is Big In Pasadena, Alex Zucco (an FC Contributor), The Real Zajac

There’s also more coverage by Frazgo here on Metroblogging LA. Apparently that post was linked on MSNBC the other day - explaining another day of ridiculous web traffic for me.

Another group photo - by Frazgo

The pic is of the bloggers who willingly wanted to be shown on the net. That is the lovely Miss Havisham sitting on FCBlog co-owner, Centinel’s shoulder. To the right is equally invisible owner Publius. Invisible because no one knows who they are including those of us invited to post there know who they really are.

Speaking of bloggers - I found a really rockin’ blog out in Burbank called Valley of The Shadow. Thanks for the kind words!

**

We’re down to the #2 spot on my list of The Ten People Ruining Pasadena. Let’s go over what we’ve learned so far:

#10 gets crazy with Virginia Hoge.

#9 is straight outta North Pasadena with Joe Hopkins.

#8 wants money but won’t let you buy them lunch. The homeless of Pasadena.

There was something in the air that night, the stars were bright - Larry Wilson (#7)

#6 was too busy watching MTV to go out and vote on Election Day

#5 - Peter Dreier, whose beard is full of bong resin and potato chips

#4 makes me sick.

#3 kept me on hold for 72 minutes and transferred me 6 times.

And now……#2 on the list of The Ten People Ruining Pasadena. This next entry might not be a shock to most of you - the position on the list just might be a surprise, though:

Councilmember Steve “Maserati” Madison!

Ric Flair has Sting. Superman has Lex Luthor. Bugs Bunny has Elmer Fudd. Virginia Hoge has common sense. Everyone’s got their rival, their enemy, their arch-nemesis.

My arch-nemesis and product of all my polemics happens to have been a Councilmember for like the past 12 years now. His name is Steve Madison, he drives a Maserati, and he’s kind of a douchebag. I think, for the first time ever, other people in Pasadena are starting to see this as well.

It all began a long, long time ago in a land far, far away during the 2007 Election. Back when I was an eyeliner-wearing Goth kid who supported rent control running for Mizayor. Toward the end of the race, there was a debate over at the Neighborhood Church. Kelli and I arrived a little late and she accidentally went into the door for candidates with me. (It was a separate door from the spectators).

Unbeknownst to me at the time, Madison turned to Kells Bells and yelled at her “THIS DOOR IS FOR CANDIDATES ONLY!!!!!!!!!” Kelli was furious and snapped back with a comment explaining how she was with the Mayoral candidate.

Madison and I tried to bury the hatchet once or twice but all it ended up being was a dissertation from him about how I’m being “brainwashed” by the “right-wing” of Pasadena. Or how he didn’t like that I called his 20-something girlfriend a stripper because she looks like one. I guess he didn’t realize that I can think for myself and make my own choices and it was actually guys like him and Bogaard and stuff trying to exploit me for the benefit of Liberals. Oh - and I forgot to mention - I once sent him an Aaron Proctor pin as a peace offering - and he mailed it back to me.

So, the Sock on Madison campaign kind of started from all of that and never looked back. Here’s the real problem I have with Madison - he’s not an informed guy, he doesn’t really know what’s going on in Pasadena nor does he care because he puts his job before his constituents. He thinks of City Council as more of a playground than an actual important entity.

Last week at City Council, he had the audacity to make a joke about the electricity bill when Iron Maggie was just trying to figure out what she was actually voting on. A few weeks before that, he sent his henchman, Victor Gordo, out to try and make me apologize to Madison for claiming he was going to miss a month or so of City Council (after Gordo had sort of told me that’s what was going on). Madison can’t fight his own battles, claims he doesn’t read this website, and sends Moose from Riverdale after me.

So - after all of this - I think that definitely qualifies Madison to be on this list. When you’ve been elected to serve the people and blatantly disregard serving the people, you’re messing up the Crown City. Hopefully someone grows some balls and runs against him in 2011. That person would be my hero.

Wonder who’s gonna be #1 on this list? We’ll find out soon.
**

Better watch out..cause Sid’s a war machine…

It’s time for this week’s Sid Tyler Facts:

• When Sid Tyler wants an egg, he cracks open a chicken.
• The Monrovia Police originally thought someone had Sid Tyler in their trunk.
• Sid Tyler has a pet kitten - every night for a snack.
• Sid Tyler walked out of church when they were talking about the Rapture. He was overheard muttering “That’s not how I’m going to do it…”
• The Kama Sutra was originally known as “The Diary Of Sid Tyler”
• The real reason PBS has pledge drives is so they can hire protection from Sid Tyler. He’s not a fan of Upstairs, Downstairs.
• Sid Tyler uses staples as hair gel.
• Despite Sid Tyler’s rage, he is still just a Councilman in a cage.
• When in Rome, do what Sid Tyler does. Kill.
• Sid Tyler’s belly button is actually a power outlet.

Be seeing you,

- AP

Letters…we get letters…we get stacks and stacks of letters……

Feedback is always appreciated from the fans and readers of this blog. Once in a while, though, The Proc gets something so totally hilarious - I just have to post it. Take for instance, this fellow, who e-mailed me under the name Donald Head from the e-mail address victory_music51@hotmail.com:

Yo’ your a faget biatch, badmouthing graff and shit, i hope someone lays the verbal smack down in your verbal oraphice bitch, seriously, your so cool bud, most electrifyingly gay man i’ve ever heard of. Go die please

IP: 75.155.19.244

It took me like 20 minutes to figure out what this gentleman was painting with his beautiful word picture. Then, I realized I had just bought my brand new PUSD English-To-English Translator, on sale from Steve Lizardo for just 3 installments of $19.95:

You are incorrigible with the condescending way you speak of graffiti. My fellow colleagues and I feel that it is an art form. I hope someone could debate with you the merits of the urban graffiti phenomenon.

Someone didn’t like me talking shit about graffiti. I think I’ve got something to cure that. Take two of these and call me in the morning:

I’m surprised the dude used e-mail instead of tagging a dumpster with his feelings. It’s one thing to come on The Proc’s show and insult the Most Electrifying Man In Pasadena - but - Jesus Christ - this is the most laughable “threatening e-mail” I’ve seen in a while. I’m sorry that I “badmouthed” graffiti. What I meant to say was: Only faggers are taggers.
**

According to “Mr. Thursday Morning” Andre Coleman in this week’s PW, obstetricians and gynecologists are big fans of Fat Tony. So, I guess that mean’s his next opponent, my buddy Brian Fuller, has no shot, right?

Wrong.

Star Wars Characters Love Brian Fuller!

**

As you all read, Steve Madison once again didn’t show up for a meeting on Monday. And as you may or may not read in the PW, it was kinda important for him to be there. The Ad Hoc Committee on Youth Violence or whatever it’s called this week was disbanded to be replaced with a three-member “Youth, Families, and Neighborhoods Committee”. I’m laughing at that name right now because it seems a little too inclusive. At least Young Jacque is finally chairing somethin’.

Why El Pollo Gordo didn’t want to serve on the new committee is one question - I’ll just assume he’s still getting heat from Madison for the whole absence thing and they aren’t buddies any more. Maybe Victor is trying to focus on his upcoming reelection campaign and how to not barely lose to a candidate who doesn’t speak English?

They’re looking for a third member and nobody’s really jumping all over each other to be the third member. Why not just make the entire committee Sid Tyler? He’s three times the man, any way. Or how about a tag team of Haderlein & Tyler? We could call them “Vicious & Delicious”?

I think I might know who the third man is.

People should listen to me more often. Photo by Frank Girardot.

Whatever the dealy-o is, I’m sure everyone really thinks this new committee is real important and is going to do a lot of work. Heh. Or maybe people just realize how vague this new committee’s name is? I mean, if it focuses on families, can one come to the committee for some help when they get grounded? Maybe the whole thing is just created for Madison to showcase some brand new garish ties?
We’ll find out what happens the next time some kid gets capped and the committee is “all over the issue”. Until then, posture away for 2009 and 2011, gentlemen.

Take a shot whenever a bullshit committee is formed.

**

I’m probably the last person to check in about this whole thing - but the story about 9th Circuit Judge Alex Kozinski here in Pasadena is hilarious. The trial he’s on is being suspended because he’s got his own website full of bestiality pics and other crazy shit that would make my old roommate blush.

Something this AP will tell you that the other AP won’t is that he’s actually working on a new porno film called “Activist Judges“. He’s in a three way donkey fellatio scene fucking Sandra Day O’Connor while a posthumous William Rehnquist watches.

I’m sure this judge will simply be given $5 million to leave town. Where’s McAustin and Haderlein during all of this?

**

June 11th was a record breaking day here at proctorformayor.com. The record for most hits and pageviews in a day was shattered - one that had been in place since June 25, 2007 - the day Chris Benoit decided to put a permanent Crippler Crossface on himself and his entire family. Thanks to everyone who came to the site and to everyone who reads the bullshit I put on here everyday.
**

Edwin Decker knows what the hell he’s talking about down at the San Diego City Beat. In his article, “The Good Bigot” he channels Avenue Q (Larry Wilson’s second favorite musical) and talks about how everyone’s just a little bit racist or prejudiced. Hell, even I’m a “patriotic love-it-or-leave-it” guy and I agree with what he’s talking about: isn’t everybody intolerant of something?

I mean, it would be nice if we could all stand in a circle, sing something from the 60’s, and join together - but that’s not the case. No way am I going to hold hands with some dude who looks like Jerry Only from the Misfits.

**

I bet you thought I forgot - but I always save the eggs for last. This week’s Ham And Egger Award takes a little bit of a different (but not too surprising) approach.

I’m a forward-thinker, I think ahead. Some people call that being an alarmist, I call it being a visionary. With that said, I’m giving out a pre-emptive award this week, of sorts.

Your lucky winner, who will probably receive this on his first or second day of the job - is brand new Pasadena political reporter for the Pasadena Star-News, Earl Abdenschieb.

Congrats, Earl!

McCain may have called his wife a “cunt” according to a new book. That just makes me want to vote for him all the more.

Be seeing you,

- AP

I was having some fun the other day, so I mailed this stick figure drawing to Mayor Bill Bogaard:

The bubble reads “I don’t think this is too appropriate, Mr. Proctor” 

A few days later, I got this reply from the Man Himself (and yes, it was actually from the Mayor and not one of his assistants). I don’t think he liked the drawing too much:

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I don’t know if a lot of you are aware of this but our favorite District 6 Councilman, Steve “Maserati” Madison is apparently going to be phoning in to City Council meetings for the next month or two because he’s going to be out of town for business-related purposes (not Pasadena-related purposes).

Steve, whose absence from the big smoking meeting was really suspect, phoned in to this past Monday’s game of grab ass between PUSD and the Council. According to Victor Gordo, he’s going to be doing this for quite some time and, again according to El Pollo Gordo, it totally counts as if Steve were in the room with his stupid lavender ties and boxes he brings from his law firm.

Am I the only person who has a problem with this? Sure it helps that I don’t like Madison, like, at all - but still - I mean…in the words of “Arrested Development’s” G.O.B. Bluth: “COME ON!”

Steve is going to be away apparently on some type of assignment or case or cocaine run or whatever for his law firm, Quinn Emanuel. I know the guy has kids and an ex-wife to feed and that “paltry” $1200 a month stipend he gets for being a Councilman isn’t enough..but seriously? Madison was a former Federal Prosuector. Dude also got like $6 million in some case against Occidental College. He doesn’t have money piled up for emergencies or anything? (save for buying a Maserati, of course).

Gordo said that if we didn’t let people work full-time, we’d only be electing rich, old retired people (like Tyler & Bogaard) to Council. I guess Gordo forgets that there’s working people who run for office, too. Like me. Give me $1200 a month and watch that shit stretch. I don’t even think I make $1200 a month now.

I’m not knocking the guy for being successful - I think people in this country are often penalized too harshly for being successful. But being successful also doesn’t mean you have to be a dick. Madison’s priorities are obviously this: 1. Steve Madison, 2. Pasadena. I’m sorry, but the second you take that oath of office, your #1 priority is your District and your Community. I don’t care what kind of fancy-schmancy lawyer you are. You don’t have time to serve the community? You just want to literally “phone it in” every Monday? Then don’t be a fucking Councilman.

I don’t think phone-ins to City Council should count as being there. I mean, imagine the shit Jacque Robinson would be getting if she was calling in from home every week while eating a bowl of cereal in her She-Ra pajamas, watching “McMillian & Wife” on mute. Imagine if you told your boss that you’d be staying home or going elsewhere every Monday but you’d be “phoning in” from work. You’d be fired, right?
There is no such thing as a part-time Councilman. I really think we should get the ball rolling to recall this guy and get someone up there who is going to serve their community. I mean, I don’t even live in District 6, but this isn’t right for the City of Pasadena. This dude wants to run for Mayor in 2011 if Bogaard doesn’t run?! He’s got to be out of his damn mind.

Let’s recall his Maserati driving ass. In the meanwhile, Steve, you’re this week’s proud recipient of….you guessed it…the Ham And Egger Award:

Bon appetit, assclown.

**

I haven’t done a Top Ten List in a while, huh? Here’s one for you all to enjoy:

TOP TEN REJECTED AARON PROCTOR TOP TEN LISTS

10. Top Ten Pasadena Street Names With The Words Sierra, Madre, or Villa
9. Top Ten Things I’ve Seen Carved Into The Seat In Front Of Me On The 181 Bus
8. Top Ten Joe Hopkins Pick Up Lines
7. The Other Top Ten Stupid-Ass Things Dennis Farina Has Done
6. Top Ten Dreams I’ve Had About Margaret McAustin
5. Top Ten Things In My Refrigerator
4. Top Ten Pasadena City Council Porn Movie Titles
3. Top Ten Ways I’d Beat Some Sense Into Fred Ortega
2. Top Ten Flavors Of Baskin-Robbins I’d Fill The Stanley Cup With
1. Top Ten Armenian Variations Of The Phrase “Hey Bro”
**

The Aaron Proctor Interview Series rocks with Bill Bibbiani today. Bill is a former member of the PUSD School Board and is now just retired and chillin’ up in North Pasadena Heights. The Proc met with “Bib” and he graciously took on The Most Electrifying Man In Pasadena’s line of questioning:

The Proc: What have you been up to?

Bill Bibbiani: I know it sounds like a bad country song but my life now revolves around grandkids, gardening and old British motorcycles.  I’m also a devoted follower of buspirates.com.

The Proc: I heard you were an English teacher. You ever read “The Outsiders” by S.E. Hinton? Stay gold, Pony Boy.

Bib: No, but I have been a semicolon for 30 years.

The Proc: If Billy has 3 pencils and Johnny has 2 pencils, how higher are taxes are going to go so they can have 5 pencils a piece?

Bib: They both have too many pencils. If the GOP wins again in November, they will be
confiscated or pawned.

The Proc: You like motorcycles. Do you ever act like you’re in the movie “Easy Rider“?

Bib: More like Two Lane Blacktop or The Wild One. The only scene I recall in Easy Rider was the poor bastard hippies walking in circles scattering seeds on rocks somewhere in New Mexico. Btw, the difference between a bastard and a poor bastard is that a poor bastard has a kind heart.

The Proc: Remember that chick who ran against you with the Russian accent? Didn’t she sound like Natasha from “Rocky & Bullwinkle“?

Bib: Yes, but she is very smart.

The Proc: Do you get free zuccini bread from PUSD board member Bob Harrison now?

Bib: I won’t go there …

The Proc: Let’s grab a beer. I’ll buy if you fly.

Bib: Just walk down the hill and pick up a six pack at Rite Aid. We can sit in my back yard and admire my tomatoes and Nortons. I’ll be the godfather and if you catch her in the right mood, Janet might feed you.

(The Proc’s note: I no longer live up the hill from Bibbiani)

The Proc: Aren’t you glad you’re not part of the train wreck known as PUSD any more?

Bib: Yes, but it’s more of a shipwreck and they’re still moving the deck chairs.

The Proc: Do you think Barney Rubble was a bad influence on Fred Flinstone?

Bib: Everyone needs a willing Stooge.

The Proc: Has a kid ever given you an apple and you said “Screw this, where’s my bourbon”?

Bib: Never got an apple or any other gift but I was the recipient of some amazing threats. For example, “we bomb your house and drag your name in the gutterrrrrrrrrr.” from a family whose son could not pass the profiency test that I wrote. My response to them was their son Hrant was “You can Hrant and Hrave all you want but he still doesn’t pass.”

The Proc: Which was more boring? “War and Peace” or the The Kahlenberg Report?

Bib: This is a hard one. War and Peace was an easier read.

The Proc: Isn’t this smoking ban pretty lame?

Bib: Yes, although I’ve never had cigarette in my life. Even my hippie friends stopped offering stuff in the ’60s because I simply do not know how to smoke. I’d either burn my lips or choke on the smoke.

The Proc: Gonna run for office again?

Bib: No. But, my 400 member motorcycle club has been compared to Cuba in a national bike magazine because… “it’s run by a bearded dictator, has no elections and fewer rules and depends on old vehicles.”

The Proc: Favorite candy bar as a kid?

Bib: Almond Joy

The Proc: I think Ed Honowitz is trying to steal your hair style.

Bib: Haven’t noticed. I lost my hair for religious reasons. Repeated slaps to my forehead while muttering “Jaysuss” have worn all the hair off the front and top.

The Proc: Remember that guy Steve Madison?

Bib: Who? (Wasn’t he one of the two members who did not endorse me in the last election?)

The Proc: Isn’t it awesome when Von’s has Double Coupons and then you have more coupons from the LA Times and then when you go to the store, your total is
orginially like $250 but you walk out of there paying $95?

Bib: I just think it is a sad commentary on the times.

**

Bib is a fun guy and I really wish he had won re-election last year. However, it seems like he’s enjoying not being anywhere near the PUSD sinkhole - so good on him.

Be seeing you and don’t forget to send in your rules for the City Council Drinking Game and questions for Dear Mr. Proc.

- AP

If you’re confused by the subject line, it’s a reference to one of the greatest sitcoms ever.

Oh - and The Proc’s refrigerator sez:

I have received a very interesting and compelling comment on yesterday’s blog entry regarding Steve Madison’s non-appearance at Monday’s City Council meeting:

Isn’t it ironic that Steve Madison ducks out of an important meeting that greatly affects the business community in his district. What a WUSS. He’s hiding from his responsibility. And this guy thinks he has the time to be the mayor of Pasadena? He flip flops on the NFL when they whispered Recall into his ear and he doesn’t show up for a meeting that will greatly affect our fellow Old Pasadena merchants. Great leadership skills Steve, just what we don’t need in Pasadena. Stick to making millions as an ambulance chaser.

Now my sources tell me Maserati Madison was in New Jersey on business - pretty much one of the two reasons one should actually have to spend time in New Jersey. He calls himself a “part-time Councilman” so he can get away with not serving the people full time, which is exactly what you’re supposed to do the very second you’re elected. Fuck all if he’s going to do that, though.

I also heard he was supposed to phone in to the meeting to discuss this ordinance. Of course he was “busy” with his “work” - even though it was around 10:30 p.m. Eastern Time when he was supposed to call in, so I’m assuming he was with a hooker in Pennsauken (the other reason you should spend time in New Jersey) and he couldn’t get to his cell phone.

Madison, I’ve read your book, you magnificent adequate bastard. Places like the 35er and Cigars By Chivas and others sorely affected by the smoking ban are in your district. Why not have the perfect cop out? When they come down on you for ultimately hurting their business, you have that wild card of “Oh - I didn’t even vote on it. I was in New Jersey at the time.” Only this time, everyone sees right through it. The second you weren’t at that meeting, everyone knew you were just ducking yet another issue - because that’s what wusses (although I’ve used a stronger insult in the past) do.

Maybe Madison and Paparian could get together and start a new prime-time TV series called “Ambulance Chasers“. They could drive around Pasadena, ignoring bigger and more important issues, and do stuff like ban smoking and defend Andrew “Boner Stabone” Koenig in court. I can smell the television ratings.

**

I think Wikipedia vandalism is hilarious, most of the time. Especially when I find out that someone recently vandalized the South Pasadena article. Here’s an edited screen capture so it could fit in the margins of my blog (because it’ll probably be gone by the time I post this):

Neighborhood Pridesmen? In South Pasadena? I’m going to have to agree, they are pretty elitist down there. I think I’ve seen these guys before:

Yeah, that looks about right. Want to keep the “riff-raff” from shopping at Von’s or Pavilion’s. Make sure everyone is obeying their already-in-place smoking ban…oh and protecting the community from having a freeway run through it that makes total sense to have run through it.

**

If you have any issues or problems with the simple fact that I exist, you might want to take those grievances up with the person who brought me into this world: my mother, Beatrice Proctor.

The Aaron Proctor Interview Series continues today as The Proc sat down with his mom (Mrs. Proc?) to discuss very important topics.  Just in time for The Most Electrifying Man in Pasadena to wish his mother a Happy Mother’s Day!
The Proc:  You have a Master’s in Divinity - does that mean you can  talk down to anyone with a Bachelor’s in Divinity?

The Proc’s Mom:  No, I try to talk  ACROSS - across the table with those kind of folks.

The Proc:  How old was I when I learned how to play the piano?

The Proc’s Mom:  You were two years old.

The Proc:  How much cereal, in dollars, did  Adam and Ashley and Josh and I (my siblings) eat from ages 7 to 13?

The Proc’s Mom:  I think Dad  and I could buy one of those exclusive California homes with the money we  spent of cereal and, of course, MILK!!!

The Proc:  How many cats do you  and Dad have right now and what are their names?

The Proc’s Mom:  Right now we have five  cats (Dolly died of old age and we still miss her).   Their names  are:  Snowflake (age 16); Uncle Kitty (age 17); Fluffy (age 9);  Tangerine  (nickname “Little Man,” age 7); Pierre (nickname “Pokey,” also age 7).

The Proc:  When you read about the goings-on in Pasadena, what do  you think?

The Proc’s Mom:  Pasadena sounds like any other typical American small  city.

The Proc:  Remember that time you outed that guy who was going around Philadelphia pretending to be a priest?  That guy was a dick.

The Proc’s Mom:  Oh, yeah!  He not only pretended to be an Eastern Orthodox  priest, but he claimed he was a former Lutheran Church bishop and former  rabbi.  What a nut case.  His real  name was Jeffrey Boaz, but  St. Mary’s knew him as Father Nicholas!

The Proc:  Do they still sell  stuffed clams at Pathmark? I can’t find them anywhere out here.

The Proc’s Mom:  Since  Superfresh (actually A&P) bought out Pathmark, they  do NOT sell stuffed  clams.  They also got rid of New York style cheesecake AND Mr.  Pathmark!

The Proc:  Remember that time in 7th grade when I went to  the spelling bee and lost on the word “detonator”?

The Proc’s Mom:  Oh, yes, it seems  like yesterday.  You did a good job and we were still proud of  you.

The Proc:  As someone who grew up in the Midwest and now lives in  the Philadelphia area, doesn’t this whole smoking ban just make you  laugh?

The Proc’s Mom:  Yes, it does.  Most Midwesterners believe in minding one’s own  business; therefore, if you want to smoke, do it.  You’re the one spending  the money of the cigs, not me.  And besides, what would St. Louis be  without “Dirt Cheap?”  As far as Philadelphia goes, people have other  important issues to think of. Would Rocky really be worried if you  smoked?

The Proc:  Who do you want to get eliminated next on “American Idol”?

The Proc’s Mom:  It’s not a matter of who I really want, but I think in all  fairness, that Jason Castro really has to go.  I know the teenage girls  think he looks cute in his dreds, etc., but the guy really can’t carry a tune in  a paper bag.  I think it will be the two Davids at the end.  Oh, David  Cook is from Blue Springs, MO (outside of Kansas City).

The Proc:   Remember that time on Seinfeld that Kramer’s phone number was like one number  off from MovieFone and everyone kept calling him asking about movies so he  just pretended he was MovieFone?

The Proc’s Mom:  Yeah, Kramer was so funny in that episode.  He would say: “Well, why don’t you just tell me?”

The Proc:  When Dad reads my blog, does he go “That boy ain’t right“?

The Proc’s Mom:  No,  he KNOWS you’re intelligent; he just thinks your brain works a lot faster than  his (and most other people for that matter).

The Proc:  P.S. Does Dad still say “rasslin’” when he means “wrestling”?

The Proc’s Mom:  Actually, Dad stopped  saying “rasslin” when he moved out to STL and talked about it with a lot of the  guards he worked with at the airport.  He wanted them to think he was  cool.

The Proc:  When I was born, did you know I was going to turn out to  be such a genius and a damn handsome man, to boot?

The Proc’s Mom:  Well, Dr.  Herman told me you were the most handsome baby he ever delivered and I figured  you would be a very special person.  After all, you are a first-born and  they tend to be GREAT!

The Proc:  You used to work for the St. Louis Cardinals.  Did you give Mark McGwire any steroids?

The Proc’s Mom:  No, but  I did wish that I had something to give to the Cardinals during the 2004 World  Series when they lost to Boston.

The Proc:  Our cat Snowflake is  still on the juice, though, right?

The Proc’s Mom:  Not any more.  She was several  years back for an asthma condition.  She actually lost a lot of that excess  weight and is back to her normal weight.

The Proc:  Happy Mothers  Day!

The Proc’s Mom:  Thank you.  It has been a lot of fun doing this interview.

What a sweetheart!  That is where I get all of my charm from, you know.

Stay tuned for more stuff tomorrow.
Sign the petition.  Buy a shirt or a mug.

- AP

Happy Monday! I hope everyone had a great weekend.

The Proc’s refrigerator says:

Yes, even though I can’t draw the Philadelphia Flyers logo (it looks more like one of those fucking five-fingered turkeys), the Flyers sent those pesky Montreal Canadiens packing this weekend and have moved on to the Eastern Conference finals we’re they’ll be playing cross-state rivals, the Pittsburgh Penguins.

The Fly Guys made Les Habitants become Les Habi-nots - let’s see what they’ll do to “Syd The Kid“.

**

I recently received this picture via e-mail. It was taken by the mysterious Jerry Cornelius and shows a recent Ham & Egger Award winner, the PW’s Joe Piasecki, “proudly” holding his award:

Joe doesn’t look too happy about getting the award - although “Mr. Thursday Morning” Andre Coleman thinks it is hilarious.

I was dying of laughter at Piasecki’s reaction. That is, until Sunday morning, when Kelli made me a special breakfast:

Those were some tasty ham and eggs, though.   I must have deserved them because when I went to do live TV on Thursday, the TV station had a glitch and we had to tape an episode of Andre Coleman’s show.
**

Better Than Blue

Saturday night, Kelli and I went out to see a band called Better Than Blue. They played at Bar Twist in Arcadia - definitely an interesting venue - although I’m a little more interested in the bar next door called The First Cabin - which opens at 6 a.m. and lets you smoke in there.

Better Than Blue includes lead guitarist and vocalist Danny Hesse (who apparently hates jazz musicians) - who you may know better as the “long haired pony-tail dude with glasses who sits behind Sid Tyler (and is still alive to tell about it) during City Council meetings”. This dude can rock out - is a great guitarist and is very knowledgeable about music. The band is also fronted by a female vocalist, Felicia Cain, who has an AMAZING range and can sing just about any style of music. The band broke out into a cover of the Stones’ “Gimme Shelter” that was absolutely unforgettable - as Felicia’s wailing vocals complemented the band’s “we’re not a lame cover band, we’re actually talented musicians” rock-and-roll attitude.

There’s also another guy in the band - and fuck me for forgetting his name - because he sounded exactly like John Fogerty when they covered “Born On The Bayou“.

The funniest moment of the night was when the band covered “Sweet Caroline“. At one point, Danny changed up the lyrics a bit to - I kid you not - “Steve Haderlein. Who knew Councilmen could be so bad?” I spit out my Adios Mother Fucker all over the quaint lounge setting in laughter.

I spent 10 years of my life going to see some really shitty bands that somehow have huge followings. This is NOT one of them. I’d gladly see Better Than Blue when they’re playing again and I recommend you do the same.

**

So the City Council members might not be getting as many free Rose Bowl & Rose Parade tickets as they used to, according to some kid who writes for a newspaper. The FPPC isn’t going to take it anymore.
I think I hear some sirens coming down the street:

OH NOES! Poor City Council members. Ya know, I thought we had representative government in this Country. City Council members are supposed to be an extension of you and I (well, maybe more you than me). Why should they get special treatment? They already get special perks: being a City Council member and serving the people of the Crown City.

I say these companies with special interests should instead directly raffle the tickets off to constituents of Pasadena. Let the people in on these sweetheart deals. No City officials or City employees should be able to qualify for the raffle. That might not sound very Republican of me - but we’re not supposed to have big government getting away with shit. And by big government, I mean Victor Gordo.
I mean, this is a City Council who does things like says how great the ARTS bus system is but hardly any of them ever ride the thing. We should do that, too - every City Council member should lead by example and take the ARTS bus at least 3 times a week.

It’s just the Pasadena Way shining through again. City Council being City Council. Thousands of dollars in unreported gifts that - if it were a guy like me doing the same thing - would get me thrown in jail.
When I’m elected Mayor, if these companies came to me I’d say “No thanks” and tell them to raffle them off randomly to people in Pasadena who aren’t City employees. Besides, I’d already be using the tax payers’ money for something special - a hot, busty secretary who really knows how to take “dictation“.
Maybe this is the kind of stuff you’d like to read in the Pasadena Weekly. If so, you should sign my petition here.

Or just buy something from my store.

Either way, have a happy Monday. Edwin Decker is kicking my ass at online chess.
- AP

Pasadena’s proposed draconian smoking ban seems to be the talk of the town. There’s some good coverage from Fred “Ham And Egger” Ortega over at his blog and some good discussion on the Foothill Cities blog as well.

Yesterday while I was smoking outside of my place of employment, I overheard several passers-by talking about the proposed ban. I even got to speak with a few people in the Old Town area about it.

I asked the Asian guy who works at the General Store on Fair Oaks (in between Green and Colorado) if the ban would affect his business - since he’s got the cheapest smokes in Old Town. He answered with a resounding yes.

A friend of mine noted that, much like a lot of other Pasadena ordinances, this is pretty much a law that masquerades as City-wide but only will really be enforced in Old Town - a/k/a the only part of Pasadena they want you to know about.

I find it hilarious that this is the big focus of City Council. What about expanding our ARTS bus system? Whatever happened to those inclusionary housing discussions? Looks like a lot of posturing for upcoming elections and the Mayoral race. Looks even more like proof positive that Steve Madison is the douchebag cum laude.

I also find it hilarious how ordinances like this are popping up all over California. For a wacky liberal state that wants to legalize the wacky tobaccy, they sure don’t care too much about the real kind.

Can’t Pasadena just grow a pair? You know, those testicles I’m talking about. Or is The Proc always going to be the only one around here walking around here like a genetic jackhammer - with the biggest grapefruits in the Crown City?

City Council is sending a message to me and others: Screw our personal freedoms. Nobody cares because right now it’s smoking. I can’t wait until those alleged 76% of people in Pasadena (where the fuck did Angel Soft get that number?) who support this ban rally against a proposed ban on non-fuel efficient vehicles.

And - hey - it’s about time Jacque Robinson actually accomplishes something, huh?

**

According to Pasadena Minister of Information, Ann Erdman, current Pasadena Police Chief and Interim City Manager, Bernard Melekian, is not going to be taking the permanent City Manager position.

What she and others didn’t tell you, though, is that Barney is actually applying for some other jobs.

From the home office in Yerevan….

TOP TEN OTHER JOBS BARNEY MELEKIAN WILL BE APPLYING FOR

10. New judge on American Idol
9. Steve Madison’s Maserati polisher
8. City Manager position in Springfield
7. One of those people at Dodgers Stadium who try to take away the beachballs
6. Mexican luchador (El Jefe Del Policía Que Era Encargado De la Ciudad)
5. Joe Piasecki’s tipsy-tow
4. Professional Guitar Hero player
3. Dominatrix at The Dungeon
2. Newest GIECO mascot
1. Placekicker for the Oakland Raiders
**

Finally today - would any Wednesday morning truly be complete without another chapter in the Aaron Proctor Interview Series?

Today, The Proc sat down with Centinel, 1/2 of the anonymous duo who run The Foothill Cities Blog. Suffice to say, that blog is one of (if not the) most widely read blogs in the entire area.

The Proc had to go down into a cave some 30 feet below see level and was blindfolded before he could get Centinel to know his role. To the anonymous blogger’s chagrin, The Proc actually likes being blindfolded.

The Proc: Michael Chiklis. Better on “The Commish” or “The Shield“?

Centinel: The Commish, hands down. Just look at the hair.

The Proc: I’ve had the time of my life. Do I owe it all to you?

Centinel: Only if I can redeem the debt at the 1881. I refuse to accept bundles of AP doorhangers as currency.

The Proc: Do you like movies about gladiators?

Centinel: Would a better question be: do gladiators like movies about Sid Tyler?

The Proc: How has your blog affected the political community?

Centinel: Judging from some of the Sierra Madrean comments, I’d say it’s been an effective dementia contagion.

The Proc: Which number is lower? Zero or the amount of kids who actually graduate from John Muir High School?

Centinel: Is that like pondering which would be louder applause: the sound of one hand clapping or a graduation ceremony at Muir?

The Proc: Who are you?

Centinel: I’ll give you one legitimate clue about my bloodline: Luis Quintero. The illegitimate clues haven’t grown up yet, so you’ll get those later.

The Proc: More boring Foothill City: Bradbury or Duarte?

Centinel: More bears in Bradbury, plus an old woman once cursed at me while I was riding a bike in that seemingly peaceful town. Duarte takes the cake.

The Proc: Seriously, who are you?

Centinel: Okay, one more serious clue: I’m descended from the brother of Benedict Arnold.

The Proc: How many readers do you think The Foothill Cities blog has?

Centinel: Hmm, if think=wish, then 6,092,885,471. If think=what Google Analytics tells me, then roughly 6,000 regular unique visitors. I say roughly, because the number is steadily rising (though it stalled a bit around the New Year).

The Proc: Ancient Chinese Secret - Calgon or Falun Gong?

Centinel: I thought Calgon was calwatch’s away message. And isn’t the Falun Gong that evil subversive group trying to destroy the honorably elected and much beloved Chinese Communist Party, model of governance and temperance?

The Proc: Have you ever gotten busy in a Burger King bathroom?

Centinel: I once made out over McDonalds, but no, you fast food fetishist.

The Proc: How long before I get sexual harassment lawsuits from Jane Rodriguez, former Pasadena Star-News reporter Mary Frances Gurton, Steve Haderlein, Miss Havisham, and Joe Piasecki?

Centinel: Oh that was Steve Francis in a jail in Florida, and not you? Curious. I assume that you’ve bought them off with doorhangers.

The Proc: Do you think Pasadena Now’s James MacPherson has carpal tunnel from hitting Control-V all of the time?

Centinel: No, I think it was the endless strings of unclosed html that did him in.

The Proc: Who the fuck are you?!

Centinel: Bill Bogaard is 170 years old in person, but on the internet, everyone is a studly twentysomething.

The Proc: Word association. What one - or a few - word(s) comes to mind when I say…

Martin Truitt: … (honestly, absolutely no word came to mind)
Pasadena Weekly: Hillary Clinton
Charlemange: Pepys
Pasadena Star-News: Slaughterhouse
Tater Tots: Waterloo
Jim Backus: Larry Czonka
Pomona: Order of the Great Knight
Mr. Conrad, My 12th Grade English Teacher: Heart failure
Bloggers: troglodytes
Aaron Proctor: Mythmaker
August 14th: Remember, remember the…fourteenth of August?
Publius (your co-blogger): He’s cool…I guess.
Villaraigosa: Media whore (HEYO!)
General Hospital: Specific injuries.

Thanks to Centinel for graciously asking my questions. Who’s in line for tomorrow?

Why - it’s President of the Light Bringer Project and the man behind the Doo Dah Parade - Tom Coston!

**

Quick Sid Tyler Fact: Sid Tyler really did bite through a prison guard’s neck to escape in Nam. Afterwards, he shouted “John Whita-who?”

Courage to all of my smoking friends,

- AP

Happy Friday everyone!

As of this Monday, The Proc will officially be a constituent of District 4 and Sexy Steve will become The Great One’s Councilman.  Wow.  Two guys will be running for Mayor in 2011 from the same district!  (It also means comments will be unmoderated shortly!)

We’re also still trying to find a date and a venue for the Haderlein-Proctor Horse challenge.  Hopefully my win in that will be a preview of the next Mayoral election.

Also - Dormitas has posted a link to the audio from the March 24th “Let’s Pretend We Want To Hear Your Ideas On Who Should Be The Next City Manager” meeting.  After Paul Little speaks, you’ll hear a hilarious Top Ten List from yours truly.  Click here for the audio. 

**

Miss Havisham has organized the first upcoming Pasadena Bloggers Picnic in a while.  You can contact Miss H. over at her tea party for more information.

**

I think one of the women here is Vannia De La Cuba?

The Aaron Proctor Interview Series donned sunglasses and a flannel shirt only buttoned at the top and made its way into District 5.  The Proc tried to get an interview with their Councilman, Victor Gordo, but he was playing Madden every time I called him.

Luckily, there’s always someone out there for each Councilman to help them in community activities, with their daily schedule, and with ordering from Papa John’s.  That person for District 5 happens to be Vannia De La Cuba, whose name I like to say in Antonio Banderas’ voice.

The Proc says know your damn city officials:

The Proc:  You’re Victor Gordo’s field representative.  How many Jack In The Box runs do you make for him per week?

Vannia:  None.  It’s outside district boundaries

The Proc:  El Santo or Blue Demon?

Vannia: El Santo, of course! 

The Proc:  Did you know Victor scored 4 touchdowns in one game for Pasadena High?

Vannia:  The Bulldog myth is that it was somewhere between 4 and 12 TDs.  Nevertheless, it does seem that he was a decent athlete…see link: http://www.pasadenahigh.org/about/awards/memorial.jsp

The Proc:  Finish these lyrics:  Como una promesa, eres tu, eres tu…Como una manana de verano…….

Vannia:  Como una sonrisa, eres tu, eres tu…

The Proc: Would Victor Gordo’s arch-nemesis in the Bizarro world be named Loser Flaco?

Vannia:  Me think so.

The Proc:  Who would win in a fight between Victor Gordo and Antonio Villaraigosa?

Vannia:  Need you ask… Victor.  Pasadena always beats LA

The Proc:  Well said.  I think we should turn Heritage Square into “Uncle Victor’s Family Fun Spot” - with water slides and mini golf.  

Vannia:  Hey, now there’s an idea!  We need more recreational opportunities for our youth.

The Proc:  How do you say “Aaron Proctor is a great man and a paragon of virtue” in Spanish?

Vannia:  El Aaron es un gran hombre y un modelo de la virtud.  I think this is it, kinda tricky.  Sounds good though, doesn’t it?  Ya gotta say it with a loud, deep booming voice, ala Vicente Fernandez, to get the effect you’re looking for. 

The Proc:  Liquor stores.  Hindrance to the community or a great place to get an ice cold King Cobra?

Vannia:  Irresponsibly operated ones are a hindrance.*

*subject to change, see #17

The Proc:  Who would play Victor Gordo in a movie?

Vannia:  hmm..that’s a bit tough.  someone with brains, a sense of humor, a good heart, good hair (all 1,775,431hair follicles must remain in place at all times), and can supposedly score 12 touchdowns in a football game.   A young Martin Sheen, perhaps.

The Proc:  Name 472 things Victor Gordo has accomplished since his election.  Or at least 3.

Vannia:  Deemed Approved Ordinance - a great tool that the city and its residents can use to battle irresponsible liquor store operators that are negatively impacting the quality of life of their neighbors.

Vannia (cont’d):  Playground for Madison School Neighborhood - brought a huge play structure to Madison School, which had nothing for it’s 1st through 5th graders to play on, and also opened up the yard afterschool and on weekends for the nearby residents to use for much needed recreational space. Also was the pilot project for joint use efforts
with the school district (which is no small task, i’ll tell ya!)

Vannia (even more):  Washington Park Restoration - worked with neighbors and city staff to kick out the druggies and drunks out of the park, restore it to its former glory, and give it back to the families in the neighborhood

The Proc:  Follow-up question:  What’s the best part about being El Pollo Gordo’s field rep?

Vannia:  I grew up in Pasadena and I love being able to work for the community that gave me so much.  The people are great, both city staff and residents.  And my boss is pretty darn cool…even though he went to PHS  (go Vikings!!)

The Proc:  Which is a better slogan for District 5.  “District 5!  We’re Next To Other Districts!” or “Where the hell is District 5″?

Vannia:  We already have a slogan: “District 5: Center of the Universe”

The Proc:  Victor’s one of the nicest guys on City Council.  What about Steve Madison?

Vannia:  Steve’s a great guy with a really great field rep.

The Proc:  Did Victor pick his seat on the dais next to Steve Madison or was it randomly assigned?

Vannia:  Legend says it was bequeathed to him by [Bill] Crowfoot, along with the book from Isaac Richard who used it to filibuster the Council.  (actually, the seat stays with the district)

The Proc:  How is Victor’s “ad hoc youth subcommittee on pastrami at The Hat” coming along?

Vannia:  I think they recessed to Rancheros.

The Proc:  Before I make any major decision in my life, I always ask myself “What Would Victor Do”?  Is this a good idea?

Vannia:  We all do that!  WWVD.  Bumper stickers are in the works.

The Proc:  I hear Gordo has a party every year after the Rose Parade.  Did my invitation get lost in the mail?

Vannia:  I know nothing, nothing!

The Proc:  I’m a Republican now.  Is Victor mad at me?

Vannia:  Yea, we had to drag him out of Church’s Chicken where he was drowning his sorrow with a large basket of fried chicken (including several side dishes) and an ice cold King Cobra while clutching a picture of you.  Just tragic.

The Proc:  Do Victor and Bill Crowfoot have bracelets that say “V+B=BFF”? (Victor + Bill = Best Friends Forever)

Vannia:  Until you became a Republican, his bracelet used to say “AP+VG=BFF” but don’t tell Crowfoot 

Fun interview!

I’ve got some interesting folks lined up next week - including the mysterious Centinel from Foothill Cities!  Did he shoot J.R.?  We’ll find out!

Fire up a colortini, sit back, relax, and watch the pictures, now, as they fly through the air.

- AP

That’s right, that’s right.

Plans are being made for an upcoming basketball challenge - a game of Horse, that is, between myself and District 4 Councilman “Dr. H” Steve Haderlein.

This will be a public event with proceeds going to charity.  More information will be provided in the next few upcoming weeks. 

I think we shall call this “The Scene-a In The Dena“.  Unless I can think of a better name.

You should report about this, Centinel. 

**

There have been some murmurs in the Crown City about affordable housing and, more importantly, the Inclusionary Housing plan once again.

Back in the day, I used to support rent control.  Also back in the day, I used to dress like an extra from Blade Runner.  I’ve grown up and so have my political views.  Rent control just wouldn’t work in Pasadena.  Yeah, yeah, they have it in Santa Monica - but come on - if you want it - then move to the hippy-dippy city of Santa Monica, where smoking a cigarette gets you more opprobrium than committing murder.

If a dude wants to sell a beat-up AMC Gremlin for $2,000,000 then, by gawd, he has every right to do so.  He’s probably not going to sell the damn thing - but still - no one should tell him he can’t ask for whatever price he wants.

So, if you’re not familiar with Pasadena’s Inclusionary Housing plan, you might not know that developers are given an “out” when it comes to them building some affordable units.  All they have to do is pay something like 15% and they don’t have to build affordable units on their property.

Going by the AMC Gremlin Example I just gave, why don’t we make the “in-lieu fee” as it’s called 90%?  95%?  99.9%?  We have every right to do so.  It’s not going to scare developers away.  Nobody wants to build shit in El Monte or Pico Rivera.  Pasadena is the center of the universe - they’ll pay to play.

There.  I solved our affordable housing problem in less than 6 hours.  More stuff gets done on this blog than in any Council meeting.

I should fucking run this City.

**

Former Pasadena City Manager, Cynthia Kurtz

The Aaron Proctor Interview Series is in full swing, if you didn’t hear about it. 

Whatever happened to Cynthia Kurtz?  The Proc searched the globe far and wide (well, at least to the part of the globe where the Murder Bus stops) for that unmistakeable hairdo.

Some say she became the City Manager of Intercourse, Pennsylvania.  Others think she’s somewhere in Vietnam where she became a special forces colonel and has gone insane.

Luckily, The Most Electrifying Man In Pasadena found her in South Jersey - selling watermelons on the side of U.S. Route 40.  Here’s all the info The Proc could get from her:

The Proc:  How’s non-City Manager life treating you?

The UnCity Manager:  I feel like I have fallen into a parallel universe.
 
The Proc: Are you related to Swoosie Kurtz?

Kurtz:  I am pretty sure we are related because we sort of look alike.  She disagrees.
 
The Proc:  Based on your experience as a City Manager, how close should I put my fire and police departments to my residential areas on SimCity?

Synthia:  Not too close, those sirens are loud.

The Proc:  What’s the best cocktail to enjoy while watching a televised City Council meeting?

City Barkeep:  A dry martini with a twist
 
The Proc:  Follow-up question:  What’s the best cocktail to enjoy while participating in a City Council meeting?

CK:  A dry martini with olives
 
The Proc:  Is there a City plan for a Mothra attack?  A direct line to Godzilla, maybe?  What does Commissioner Gordon have to say in all of this?

Kurtzy:  No plan for Mothra.  New Federal guidelines tell us the Pillsbury Doughboy is much more dangerous.  We need a plan for that threat.  Gordon?
 
The Proc:  What do you think of Steve Madison?

Funniest Response Ever:  Well, what do you think of Steve Madison?
 
The Proc:  Everyone knows what I think of Steve.  So, what’s the deal with that lady to used to come to Public Comment and read poems and sing songs?

Cynny Cynn Cynn:  I don’t know but I thought there would be a CD and a book by now.
 
The Proc:  Did you ever have the urge to play the piano when City Council meetings were at the Senior Center?

Kelly Russell Stole Your Hairdo:  No, but I did have an urge every now and then to get up on the stage. 

The Proc:  Help my little brother with his math homework:   The water level in a cylinder of radius 2 meters is rising at a rate of 3 meters per second, what is the rate of increase of the volume of water?

Love Kurtz:  A hell of a lot!  Get ready to get real wet.
 
The Proc:  Which case would you pick on “Deal or No Deal“?

Cynthia Kurtz:  Believe it or not, I’ve never watch it.  Can I pick what’s behind curtain 3? 

A class act and a fun interview all around.

Stay tuned tomorrow as the Series continues with my first ever encounter with an SGVT employee.

No, it’s not Larry Wilson.  It’s Frank Girardot!

- AP

Mayweather had to use brass knucks to beat The Big Show last night

Kelli and I took part in one of our yearly traditions last night as we watched WWE Wrestlemania 24.  Can’t believe they’re already up to 24 - and it was good to see 75,000 peeps or so pack the Citrus Bowl in Florida.

Just a few quick notes:

• Mayweather and Big Show was pretty fun and entertaining, no matter what the rasslin’ fans on the Interwebs say.  If boxing doesn’t work out much longer for Floyd, he’ll have a bona fide role in the WWE as an arrogant heel (or “bad guy” in wrestlingspeak).  Still mad about him using brass knuckles to win - and yeah, yeah, I know it’s scripted.
• Someone should have told Jim Ross that Mayweather’s win won’t count toward his 39-0 boxing record - before he started screaming “Mayweather is 40 and 0!”
• What kind of crack are the WWE writers smoking that they still think fans like John Cena?  The only people who cheer for him are eleventeens and ugly girls who dress like Jeff Hardy.  Turn him heel and reap the rewards.  I had this same resentment toward “say your prayers, eat your vitamins” Hulk Hogan in the mid-90’s - and his 1996 turn to villain was nothing short of revolutionary.  I’m glad Cena lost, too.
• Money In The Bank was all right - but Kennedy should have won.  Kennedyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!  He’s my favorite wrestler these days.
• Wasn’t it super sad when - right before HBK super-kicked Ric Flair into retirement - HBK and Flair started crying and HBK mouthed “I’m sorry..I love you” to the Nature Boy?
• WWE runs like 489032840932890342 pay-per-views a year and still charges $60 for Wrestlemania?  What gives??
• Undertaker is 16-0 at Wrestlemania.  I don’t think he’ll ever lose.
• WWE’s only national competition, TNA, should have run a “Clash Of The Champions“-esque free show against Wrestlemania.  That way, I would have had something else to watch during the crapfest that was Batista vs Umaga.

**

Sexy Steve

Next up in the Aaron Proctor Interview Series is none other than District 4 Councilman and Pasadena’s resident GQ hunk, Steve Haderlein.  Steve’s been the Councilman in District 4 since like 1972 or something.  When he’s not sexing it up on Monday nights at City Hall, he’s a civics/economics teacher.  He also is an encyclopedia of sports and historical knowledge - and he played college basketball for Loyola Marymount and spend some time in a pro league in Australia.  True story.

The Proc pelted Cracker Jacks at Steve this weekend while he was coaching girls’ softball until he caved in and answered The Proc’s many important questions.  He is not aware of any of the girls he coaches taking HGH.

The Proc:  Can you dunk? Hook shot?

Haderlein:  More of pure jump shooter than hook shot.  Haven’t tried to dunk in a year so I’ll assume that I still can rather than hurt myself finding out otherwise.

The Proc:  How much can you bench?

Haderlein:  No clue and don’t want to crush my sternum finding out. 

The Proc:  What do you think of Steve Madison?  He shares your first name and that’s about it.

Haderlein:  We also share a commitment to the City. 

The Proc:   Does Bill Paparian follow you from a few cars behind when you go to the
supermarket?

Haderlein:  No idea what Bill’s up to. 

The Proc:  You played basketball in an Australian pro league in the late 80’s.  Did
you rock out to INXS at halftime?

Haderlein:  More of a Midnight Oil guy.  Even then, a concern for open spaces / environment / loud music.   Lead singer was a quirky tall bald guy.   Think Bono with a different accent and no hair.  

The Proc:   Is Michael Vick allowed at Vina Vieja Park?

Haderlein:  Only to have dogs pee on him.  What a piece of dog crap that guy is. 

The Proc:  You teach Economics.  Explain the Walrasian Model to us dumbasses. 

Haderlein:  Walrasian Model?  No idea. 

The Proc:  Remember back in 1993 when Chris Webber called timeout in the NCAA Championship and University of Michigan didn’t have any time outs left?  Oh - and - what the hell ever happened to Eric Montross on that opposing UNC team?

Haderlein:  Remember C-Web’s blunder well.  Almost as bad as when the Georgetown player (Sleepy Floyd?) threw the pass to UNC’s James Worthy as time ran out.    I think Montross is a ski resort / mountain range somewhere.  He was huge.  

The Proc:  How come Christian Laettner played for like 26 different NBA teams?

Haderlein:  He still hasn’t found what he’s looking for.  

The Proc:  You’re the Vice Mayor.  What are some of your vices (besides ’sports and history’)?

Haderlein:  Ice cream after a Council meeting.  Gotta add five pounds to my weight. 

The Proc:  True or False:  I could beat you at ‘Horse‘.

Haderlein:  Five bucks says “False”. 

The Proc:  You’ve always been a huge fan of open space.  What if we tore down everything in District 4?  Wouldn’t we have a ton of open space then?

Haderlein:  Can’t argue with that.  

The Proc:  Are you a Federalist or an Anti-Federalist?

Haderlein:  Anti-Federalists are wussies.   Sound central bank is needed. Look at the mess we’re in now because of a lack of oversight (one of the three roles of the Fed I might add)  My main man Teddy Roosevelt would have wanted regulatory powers.  

So - it’s official:  I’m challenging Steve Haderlein to a game of Horse.  Steve, you pick the date and the time and I’ll bring the video camera for all of my fans to see. 

Somebody’s gonna owe me $5.

- AP

Miss Havisham’s Tea Party & One Hour Martinizing

Happy 1st day of Pasadena Cussing Week!  Shit!

I hope everyone had a nice weekend.  The Proc sure did - `cause his Villanova Wildcats are headed to the Sweet 16! 

Local blogger, artist, and party host, Miss Havisham, has recently posted a well-done and interesting interview with current Pasadena Police Chief and Interim CM, Barney “Don’t Call Me Barney” Melekian.

In the article, we find out that Melekian reads her blog (which must mean he reads other blogs), we learn a little about his family life, and we find out his future ambitions in the Crown City.  Miss Havisham is a really great writer - and contrary to