The Adventures of Aaron Proctor

Bye, Bye Ortega! Leftovers From City Hall reports on PSN’s Fred Ortega’s last day at this link. It looks like Jennifer McLain will take over West Covina reporting and some new guy named Don Edelweiss will be the newest Ham And Egger in Pasadena.

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Time for another installment of my new comic strip, You Can’t Fight City Hall!

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Kelly LC Russell is a writer. Kelly LC Russell is a grrlie. Kelly LC Russell likes to blather. Kelly LC Russell lives on the West Coast. So, it makes sense that she has a blog called West Coast Grrlie Blather. It’s not as much political as it is really, really good photography.

Let’s see what happens when this Pasadena photo-storian grapples with The Proc in the Aaron Proctor Interview Series:

The Proc: Why did Cynthia Kurtz steal your hairdo?

Kelly Russell: She wanted to be recognized in District 1.

The Proc: How do you think the blogosphere has impacted the local Pasadena political scene?

KR: Openness is good. Politicians and policy makers know we’re watching them, and we’re conversing with each other about what’s going on in a very public forum. Look at Paul Little—he left City Council and got a blog.

AP: What’s it like living in the Northwest?

KR: We always know where the tv remote control is, because we’re always turning the volume up to drown out the sound of helicopters. We don’t moan about it, we just do it.

AP: What’s the “LC” for?

KR: 150. I’m dyslexic.

AP: You’re originally from England. Should I call you a traitor?

KR: Nationalism is kitsch.

AP: Whitney Houston told me to ask you “How do I know if he really loves me”?

KR: Girlfriend, you know he really loves you if his name isn’t Bobby Brown.

AP: What do you think of Steve Madison?

KR: My Maserati does 186.

AP: What’s your favorite summertime activity?

KR: The Obon Festival at the Pasadena Buddhist Church. One bite of the teriyaki chicken reveals the entirety of the eightfold path.

AP: Thanks for that Doctor Who TARDIS piggy bank. Did you know that when I put money in it, it disappears into another time and dimension?

KR: Yes, and and I know that Sid Tyler can retrieve it.

AP: Is there such thing as East Coast Grrlie Blather?

KR: There is—after I knock back a few at the Algonquin Hotel.

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Rock on, and thanks Kelly. You’ll go down in history with everyone from Bill Bogaard to Whazzat Kangaroo in the Aaron Proctor Interview Series.

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Hulk Hogan is such a douchebag. It sucks, too. He was a hero of mine growing up (and a hero when Kelli was growing up, too). I mean, in a way, he saved the wrestling industry when it was down in the doldrums in the late 90’s by becoming a villain…one of the few things he ever did the right way. You know, I could deal with him thinking he was the wrestling business, I could deal with his lies about “inventing theme music” and “inventing t-shirts” - I could even deal with him being a dick to younger wrestlers and not realizing he was far past his prime. All of this stuff as of late with his son’s drag racing car crash (which ended up permanently paralyzing the other dude) and his affair with a girl that looks like a Dateline NBC decoy - it just proves a few things to me:

1. Hulkamania is dead as a doornail in my book.
2. Ric Flair was the wrestling business, not Hulk
3. All of the stories about him being a dick to other wrestlers, promoters, etc. - I now fully believe them.
4. He and his son are being outed for the fakes that they are.
5. I’m a little weirded out about his affair with the chick that looks like his daughter.

Did anyone see Hulk’s pathetic ass on Larry King the other night? I can’t believe he’s still going through with the whole reality show thing.

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I went to John and Ken’s protest in Memorial Park yesterday afternoon. The whole reason for it was to show just how stupid State Senator Jack Scott’s idea to ban mylar balloons is. These guys are awesome and you should really listen to their show on KFI - they make a LOT of sense. A lot more sense than all the fucking pundits on any other shows I hear. I got a bunch of pics and videos I’d like to share with you:

I arrived at the park a little after 3 pm. There was a small crowd on hand which got quite larger as the 5 o’clock hour approached. The theme was “Jack Scott: SOB.” Obviously, SOB stood for “Save Our Balloons” - then I realized, he’s an SOB for being another California Liberal trying to take away yet another personal freedom. Funny how Democrats whine and cry about the children and then want to take something away from them.

John & Ken were set up in the park on the Raymond Street side.

Tables were set up by the balloon industry where you could sign petitions and get a free balloon to show your support.

This was GREAT - a balloon effigy of Jack Scott himself. Here’s another shot of that:

Free balloon animals for the kids by Buster Balloon and Annie Bannanie!

I *finally* met Frank Girardot in person. Such a cool guy!

A member of the Balloon Council (guy in sunglasses, Pete McDonough) talks to some nobody from the Star-News.

Around 3:30 p.m., a big paddy wagon from the Pasadena PD showed up. Wow, way to look out for the Northwest. I guess Bogey told them there’s conservatives in Memorial Park, so they need to be on the look out.

I spoke with Tara Silva and Francine, two women from the Balloon Factory all the way up in Lancaster, CA. They made the drive to show their support. Tara said that this whole balloon ban was “outrageous”. They mentioned how they’ve never had a power outage due to a balloon or anything like that.

And hey…look who else I ran into?

Brian Fuller! Candidate for Assembly against “Fat Tony“. Obviously he’s not as stupid as Fat Tony is, a friend and supporter of Jack Scott’s proposed mylar balloon ban.

Video:

John & Ken go over PG&E’s top ten power outages of 2007, none of which are related to Mylar balloons.

The balloon effigy of Jack Scott.

“La Raza” likes John & Ken (dude’s words, not mine)

UPDATE:  Not my video but a cool video of little kids stomping on the Jack Scott effigy.

I don’t care what others say - I think this protest drew a lot of attention to this issue and how our tax dollars are not at work when we elect people like Jack Scott. For more info on how to Save Our Balloons, visit John & Ken’s website or listen to their show on KFI.

Be seeing you,

- AP

Time to stick it to those trying to take away our personal freedoms and our fun! The protest against Jack Scott’s proposed Mylar Ban of Evil is today at 3 p.m. at Memorial Park here in Pasadena. It’s being hosted by John & Ken from KFI AM. Yours truly shall most definitely be there! Here’s the info once again:

John and Ken’s Balloon Ban Protest opposing the Senate bill that would ban those happy foil balloons you find at birthday parties will be held next Wednesday, June 11 at Memorial Park in Pasadena. Broadcast starts at 3:00 p.m. Bring the kids!

Memorial Park
85 E Holly St
Pasadena CA 91103We will set up on Raymond Street between Holly and Walnut Streets.The nearest parking garages are the Courtyard Marriott Garage on Raymond Street (b/w Walnut & Holly) and the Holly Garage on Holly Street (b/w Arroyo & Marengo).**

The woman you just can’t stay mad at for more than a millisecond and Pasadena Minister Of Truth Public Information Officer, Ann Erdman, has a blog now. Still crossing my fingers that City Councilmembers set up their own blogs in the not too distant future.

Speaking of Council, Dormitas has another excellent blow-by-blow of Monday’s meeting. Included in Monday’s meeting was a hipster/trendy night club in Pasadena, Vive, being the subject of debate about a dance floor and noise levels. Of course, neighbors complained about booze sales “causing crime” and things like that. Great. Way to scare businesses away and way to make Old Town even less fun. I mean, I’m not really into going to places like Vive (read yesterday’s post) - but since when are we banning nightclubs? Nightclubs?! Is anyone allowed to have fun around here? Christ, sometimes Pasadena Council and some Pasadenans really need to grow a pair. If we keep this up, we’re going to have to change our city’s logo:

Or….as inspired by something I saw on the Interwebs the other day:

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Guess who wasn’t at City Council on Monday night? Ya know, the meeting where they sorta disbanded the Youth Violence Committee? Why, it was Steve Madison! For some reason, he was at Council’s closed sessions..but not at the meeting.

I guess Steve had something (or someone) more important to do than to tend to the issues that he’s responsible for.

** POP QUIZ **
Where was Madison on Monday night?

a. Watching Vince McMahon’s Million Dollar Giveaway on WWE RAW
b. “Polishing The Maserati” (if you know what I mean)
c. Banging a stripper
d. In a three-way with his girlfriend and a stripper
e. Spending quality time with his son Julian, bonding and teaching him the ins and outs of life while playing catch in the backyard (as “That’s My Boy” plays in the background).
f. A through D.

B-R-L-F-Q spells “no show a City Council meeting.” If you guessed “f”, you’re right and you win a prize. I don’t know what yet, but I’ll figure out something. How about I won’t kick your ass? If you guessed anything but “e”, you’ve gotta learn a little bit more about Mr. Maserati. If you guessed “e”, you’re probably Madison himself.
Poor District 6. Out there in the wild. All alone with no Councilman to take care of them.

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Well, this picture above isn’t happening, according to Emma Peel in the Pasadena Star-News:

PASADENA - The Ambassador West project, one of the largest and most prestigious in the city’s history, has been foreclosed on and the property is back on the market for the fourth time in a decade.

“We no longer own any of the property,” Howard Weinberg, a part-owner of Ambassador West, said Monday. “A foreclosure sale has occurred.”

In a double blow to a 10-year effort to develop the former Ambassador College campus, plans for the Sterling of Pasadena luxury senior-living complex on an adjoining site have been scrapped.

Anybody got a couple million they could spare? I’d love to turn that into a Graceland-esque estate for myself. Just to fuck with the people who live over there.

Seriously, it’s a nice piece of land and I always wonder what it’s going to become. For those who don’t know, that place used to be the headquarters for the Worldwide Church of God. I heard they kept all over their Flavor-Aid in one building alone. Oh, and Bobby Fischer had his own Anti-Semitic version of a chessboard there.

If you’ve ever been over to that campus, it looks like an excellent place to begin filming my Pasadena version of The Prisoner.

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Photo by Frazgo

Madison’s no-show at City Council is awfully dull compared to all the shenanigans and tomfoolery in Monrovia. How about we trade, All-American City? You can have Steve Madison and I’ll get all the hot, sweaty, cop-on-minor gay sex scandals?

This stuff is great, I’d just appreciate it more if it were happening in the Dena. Robert Parry reports on The Foothill Cities Blog that there’s been a lawsuit against the City of Monrovia. They’re some pretty bold charges of sexual assault, sexual misconduct, even more sexual misconduct, and sexual healing. Basically, some cop allegedly was banging some minor and having their summer lovin’ in the backseat of his car. Inner Circle wasn’t kidding about “Bad Boys”!

I don’t know how true all of this is or how this is all going to pan out, but bravo Monrovia, bravo indeed for giving me something to talk about besides the location of my favorite Wendy’s.

This looks like a job for…

Yep.

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Because it’s Fred Ortega’s last day at the PSN, The Proc has decided to interview another one of his Ham-and-eggin’ co-workers as part of the Aaron Proctor Interview Series. (I guess he didn’t like my song?) I sat down with Caroline An (well, I sat as close as she’d let me sit - so - e-mailed her under my alias, Ross Cutler). Caroline runs the sometimes-updated Hallway Monitor blog and is the education reporter for the PSN. Since she mainly covers PUSD, make that “schools reporter.” That’s her pictured above in Larry Wilson’s tiara. I’d tap that (her, not Larry Wilson’s tiara).

Don’t let that small frame you could fit nicely into a overhead compartment fool you, though - she’s one tough cookie.

Look out for a Frank Girardot cameo, too!

The Proc: You run the “Hallway Monitor” blog for the PSN. What do you think of the blogosphere?

Caroline An: I didn’t know you had a blog until my office-mates told me about it.

AP: Suuure. Does Fred Ortega copy off of your notes when Larry Wilson isn’t looking?

CA: He sits too far from me to copy my notes, but we pass notes to each other when Hector isn’t looking.

AP: Remember that commercial in the 80’s with the California Raisins rapping “Books! Check em out”. Did you know that’s really Sir Mix-a-lot rapping? He liked big books and he could not lie.

CA: Yes I do but that commercial scared me. I don’t like raisins and seeing shriveled up fruit talking freaked me out. Here’s my favorite lyric though…”You got a fantasy imagination can take you to where you want to be. Are you curious? How can you find out? Books check em out .

AP: Remember that book “Island Of The Blue Dolphins“? I read that in like 5th grade.

CA: 5th grade? What remedial school did you attend? I think I read that book in third grade.

AP: Marcus Hook Elementary, Marcus Hook, PA. (Proc’s note - Janet Szper is still the school nurse? She looked like Odo. I kid you not). If you don’t get a story in by its deadline, do you get detention or just a demerit?

CA: Deadline? What’s a deadline? I make my own deadlines!

AP: What’s in your Trapper Keeper?

CA: I was a Pee Chee girl. No Trapper Keepers for me!

AP: If somebody took the average IQ of students in PUSD, would the answer be somewhere below “mildly retarded”?

CA: Aren’t you mildly retarded?

AP: We should do a remake of “Billy Madison” but use Steve Madison instead.

CA: As an education reporter, I’m appalled at any film that glorifies a grown man who has not completed grade school. Shame on you for including this as a question.

AP: How come every time Zack Morris and one of his girlfriends “decided to be friends” on “Saved By The Bell“, you never saw that chick again in any future episode?

CA: Because he’s not worth staying friends with since Screech is his wingman!

AP: Since you report on schools, do you eat your lunch on a plastic tray with chocolate milk and crinkle-cut fries?

CA: No. Plastic trays are very bad for the environment, chocolate milk and crinkle-cut fries will make me fat. I have to watch my girlish figure.

AP: Pick a flap on this little flower-shaped thing I made out of college-ruled notebook paper.

CA: the top left, please

AP: Pick a color.

CA: *Pink*

AP: Pick a number.

CA: *9*

AP: You’re going to live in a mansion with 3 pools and have 4 Mercedes-Benzes.

CA: Promise? Cross your heart and swear to die? Stick a needle in your eye?

AP: Ever throw a paper airplane across the newsroom?

CA: Paper airplanes are SO 1992. I have thrown my stress ball at Fred Ortega when he stressed me out.

AP: How many John Muir students does it take to screw in a light bulb?

CA: Do you know how to screw in a light bulb? Or do you have to get Kelli to do that?

AP: Want to go to the prom with me?

CA: I already have a date. His name is Larry Wilson.

AP: You made fun of the fact the Ham And Egger award you all got was printed out in black and white. You’re not an art teacher, though.

CA: Well, you’re not one to judge our newspaper so if you’re not going to pay the extra 20 cents for color copies, please keep the 42 cents you wasted in mailing us that sorry excuse of an award. Besides, I heard from several sources that you can’t afford to buy a round of alcoholic beverages so start saving those pennies!

CA (cont’d): BTW – Frank Girardot wants me to pass this note along to you (Stop giggling Aaron, it’s not a love note.)

Frank Girardot: Stop telling people to go into my bottom desk drawer. Gentleman Jack is expensive.

AP: So, any way, Caroline - Which was bigger? Todd Ruiz’ rolodex of story sources or Todd Ruiz’ rolodex of women’s phone numbers?

CA: I’m going to assume they are the same size…but I haven’t seen Hot Toddy’s little black book of female numbers. His rolodex was actually an excel spreadsheet.

AP: Want a Now And Later? It’s strawberry.

CA: Naw..You got Dots or a Ring Pop? Or even Airheads?

AP: Remember when we would read a book in English class and then watch the movie but the movie was not even remotely close to the plot of the book and then you’d confuse the two and then get all your questions wrong on your test?

CA: Um..no. That never happened to me. I was a perfect student in school.

AP: Wouldn’t our public schools be a lot better if Steve Haderlein made the switch to teaching at them and he taught Home Ec wearing only an apron that says “Kiss The Vice Mayor”?

CA: No. He would probably get arrested for inappropriate behavior. Since this is your idea will you bail him out of jail?

AP: What the fuck is a gerund?

CA: What is with the language? You just landed yourself in detention. A gerund is a word that ends in -ing.

CA (cont’d): Example: Aaron I think you’ve been drinking too much. Come up with better questions next time.

AP: How many textbooks can Edwin Diaz walk around with on his head without having them fall to the ground?

CA: You know who can answer that question? Binti Harvey, the PUSD public information officer. I’m sure she will have the answer for you by the end of the day. Maybe you can record it and post the video on your blog. The video of you yelling “South Pasadena Sucks” out the window to unassuming strangers was just riveting. You must have a lot of free time.

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Wow! What a total bitch! Nahh, I’m kidding: she’s funny and “gets it” (either that, or Fred helped her out with half of the survey). At least I’m pretty sure she wants a piece of the Most Electrifying Man In Pasadena..but she’s gotta get in line, and that’s a long line, and Kelli is a bouncer in that line, so, maybe not….

See some of you later today at Memorial Park?

Will the sun shine tomorrow in an Fred Ortega-less Pasadena?

- AP

Hey, Larry Wilson! The California Supreme Court has overturned the gay marriage ban!

Good on them, too. I’m not against gay marriage in the slightest bit. If you’re a true Republican, you believe in the government staying out of your personal freedoms. Somehow the Christian Right fucked up the party, just like the hippie left fucked up the Democrats. Read “Leave Us Alone” by Grover Norquist if you don’t believe me.

The government shouldn’t be able to tell you who you can marry or what you can do that makes you happy and doesn’t harm others. If two dudes or two chicks (the latter being super hot) want to get married, fine by me. It’s not going to hurt my wallet like it does when another illegal comes over the border expecting (and getting) a hand out from the People’s Republic of California. Or when some piece of trash abuses the welfare system and just sits on their ass all day eating Cheetos and watching Jerry Springer. Hope you’re enjoying that flat-screen TV I got you.

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The other day I saw this ad on the bus. It’s the wicked witch from “Wicked” reading the newspaper while the MTA boasts its easy-to-get-to-the-Pantages schedule.

The funny thing is what’s in the newspaper she’s reading. The fake paper, called “The Los Angeles Tribune” has a top headline of something to the effect of “MTA Voted Best Public Transportation System” and a chick that looks like the woman from the Pine Sol commercial kissing an old MTA driver.

If you look down at all the “small” stories on the paper (you’ll have to either see this poster in person or download the above image and zoom in..), you’ll clearly see a headline that says - I kid you not - “Chicago Blast Kills Twelve“. What kind of newspaper would have an MTA story as their top billing and “Chicago Blast Kills Twelve” in small print?! Wait, is the Los Angeles Tribune a new LANG paper?

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The Pasadena Weekly has an excellent story (I think it’s even written by a former Ham And Egger Award winner!) contemplating that parking tickets in Pasadena are being used to fill the pockets of the City. No shit? Wait - who has been saying that very same thing for almost the past two years? Oh that’s right, The Proc’s been saying those things for the past two years.

From people who illegally park in Old Town Pasadena to people who park on quiet City streets with our Draconian overnight parking laws, finally a respectable news source is acknowledging that the City might just be fucking us all in the ass over and over again. Oh - and that person writing you the ticket might not even be a City Official!

Those right-side driving jeeps are lame, too. We’re in America, not fucking England.

When I used to live in my old place over on North Hill Avenue, Kelli would park on the street every night without a permit. When would she get ticketed? Any weekend that was a holiday weekend, at first. Then she started noticing that the tickets coming more and more often - our street was being targeted for it’s “easy pickin’s”.

Is that how you enforce a law? Hold up - wait a minute - let me put some Proc in it. Let’s take out “parking enforcement” for a second and replace that word with “police patrols”. Say the police only patrolled and arrested people in the Northwest and nowhere else? The liberals would be having a fit.

But, no, these parking permits and parking tickets give “much needed money to a City that is parched for money”. My ass. Prove me wrong City Council: Pasadena could end it’s insane parking enforcement and calm down with it right now and Pasadena would still be one of the richest cities in the United States.

Maybe instead of paying these assclowns over at Intercon, we should be paying more police. Oh - but that’s right - the parking situation in Old Town Pasadena far outweighs anything going on anywhere else in the City.

It’s just Pasadena being Pasadena.

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My comments yesterday about Councilmember “Maserati” Madison have struck a chord in the blogging community already.

“Eddie” writes:

Steve Madison reeks of shear arrogance. He should either vacate his seat or a recall petition should be started. City council is supposed to be a “part-time” position though it really is more of a full-time committment and he can’t even honor that. PATHETIC. How can anyone of at least average intelligence even consider Madison as a possible viable mayoral contender. He may contend but he won’t give the time committment that is required. Bottom line is this, If he can’t make council meetings due to his workload how the hell is he ever going to put in the time required to be an effective Mayor. The Mayor of Pasadena is not a part-time job.

Hmmm. Well, Eddie, there used to be this guy around these parts named Martin Truitt. He was 7 feet tall, weighed 500 pounds, carried an ax, and had a giant blue ox named Babe. He once threatened Madison was a recall about something..I forget what..and Madison backed down and quelled his dickish ways for a bit.

Martin - please come back and deliver us from Madison!

I think it’s time we start the “Recall Madison” murmurs again. Seriously, I can’t stand the guy - so I’d be leading that parade down Colorado Blvd. If anyone wants to join my fight, let me know. I went to where anyone goes to find out deep political information (like how to start a recall) - ehow.com.

• Submit the proper notifications. You’ll have to publish something saying you’re going to recall a city council member, have the notice served on the council member and give him a chance to respon

So - is it good enough that I published I want to recall Madison on this website? Do I just need to send him something in registered mail that says “Hey, you’re a douchebag and I want someone to replace you?”

• Determine the length of time the city council member has been in office. Most states require at least 120 days of service if not 6 months or longer

Too long.

• Explain why you want to recall the city council member. Many states have stated reasons a city council member can be recalled and your explanation must fit one of those categories.

Not serving his District, not serving his Community, being the Council pariah, lavender ties, etc.

• Get the appropriate number of signatures. A recall will require a petition signed by a certain number of registered voters. Go door-to-door, start a website or phone campaign to get the number of signatures you need to recall a city council member.

Well, that just steams my clams. I’d have to go door-to-door in District 6. I’m not well-liked there. Montgomery Q. Sixfigures doesn’t read the blogsophere so they still think I’m some weirdo in eyeliner.

• Use the allotted time wisely. You’ll only have a certain amount of time to collect signatures—usually 60 days or more—so use that time to your advantage to get the signatures you need.

Well, I can definitely do this. I’m going to need some help, though. So - should we recall Madison? I mean, the down side to him not being on Council would be the fact that I’d have nobody else to call a douchebag. “Margaret McAustin is a cunt” just doesn’t sound right (and isn’t true) to me.

The plus side is - no more Steve Madison on City Council. For the betterment of Pasadena.

Threats and ultimatums seem to work in politics a lot - so, Stevie, if you’re reading - I’ll give you 2 weeks to step down as a Councilmember. If you don’t step down in 2 weeks - that’s exactly 14 days from today - I’m going to get a recall petition rolling along.

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Here’s wishing you all a happy and safe weekend.

Be seeing you. Check out Edwin Decker’s new “Sordid Tales”.

- AP

The Proc hopes his loud laughing isn’t waking up The Most Electrifying Man In Pasadena’s neighbors. If you look close enough, you can see someone is still having fun with the South Pasadena Wikipedia article:

South Pasadena can often be seen in motion picture productions with its beautiful tree-lined streets and “anywhere in America” feel. Such movies as The Terminator, Gone with the Wind, Halloween, Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure, American Pie, Legally Blonde, 13 Going on 30, Triumph of the Will, Back to the Future, Mr. Deeds, Bruce Almighty, and License to Wed are just a few of the notable films shot on location in South Pasadena. Notable television series that have been filmed there include Boston Public, Nip/Tuck, Desperate Housewives and Big Love.

“One of these things is not like the other. One of these things is not quite the same…” - Sesame Street.

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My friend Jason had a wonderful suggestion for an additional segment on this website - so I’ve created “Dear Mr. Proc“.

“Dear Mr. Proc” will be an advice column like no other. It’s where you, yes you, the tried and true Procaholics can send The Proc questions. Send them with your real name or anonymously, I don’t care - just click the Contact link above to do so. You can ask questions about politics, life, love, relationships, sports, anything - The Proc is an expert in most fields - just take a look!

Dear Mr. Proc,

I think my girlfriend of 5 years is cheating on me. She doesn’t tell me where she’s going or what she’s up to. She won’t cuddle at night any more. She’s been going out with her friend Stephanie who drives a Maserati and they stay out all hours of the night. Every time I confront her about this, she warns me she’s suddenly got some legal knowledge and that it’s not my right to confront her. What should I do?!

- Hopeless In Heritage Square

Dear Hopeless,

First of all, you’re a stupid mother fucker. Been with the chick 5 years and all of the sudden she’s acting weird? Her friend “Stephanie” drives a Maserati? Too much of a pansy to just break up with the bitch? Wake up, dumb ass. I say you go out to your nearest bar, find the sluttiest chick there, and go home with her. If Jack Daniels won’t help you solve your problems, Jill at 2 a.m. just might.

- The Proc

Dear Mr. Proc,

I’m a City Councilman and want to run again next year for my seat. However, the last time I ran, I almost lost to this woman who didn’t speak English. I continue to eat and eat and eat and never lose any weight. How can I overcome this pain I feel inside?

- V.G.

Dear V.G.,

What kind of candidate almost loses to a chick who hasn’t mastered the English language?

- The Proc

Dear Mr. Proc,

I’ve got a business meeting tomorrow and usually don’t wear ties. How do you tie a tie?

- Tieless In La Canada

Dear Tieless,

Select a tie of your choice and stand in front of a mirror. Then simply follow the steps below:

1) The wide end “W” should extend about 12 inches below the narrow end “N”. Cross the wide end “W” over the narrow end “N”.

2) Bring the wide end “W” up through the loop between the collar and your tie; then back down.

3) Pull the wide end “W” underneath the narrow end “N” and to the right, back through the loop and to the right again so that the wide end “W” is inside out.

4) Bring the wide end “W” across the front from right to left.

5) Pull the wide end “W” up through the loop again.

6) Bring the wide end “W” down through the knot in front.

7) Using both hands, tighten the knot carefully and draw it up to the collar.

8) Now you’re done. By the way, I’m not your mother, dickweed.

- The Proc

See? Not only am I doing a public service but I’m showing you all the new Pasadena Way. So - if you’d like The Proc to answer some of your most burning questions, click this link and send a question his way today!

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Robert CJ Parry might be unknown to a lot of Pasadenans but he’s sure making waves in Monrovia. You know, that little town you drive through to go to the Krekorian or go through to get to the 605 and then come back to Pasadena?

Robert’s a hero of mine because he’s doing what I do here in Pasadena - except for the fact that what he’s doing is a lot more important and turning a lot more heads.

I had the pleasure of making Robert Parry my next guest in the Aaron Proctor Interview Series:

The Proc: What’s been going down in the All-American City?

Robert CJ Parry: Some All-American, democratic debatin’, that’s what. Unfortunately, some folks missed the dust-up of 1776 and think we’ve still got royalty running the place. They get there panties in a bunch whenever a peasant speak out of turn, and then start dishing out the vengeance smack-down. Problem is, they’re facing off with Monrovia’s finest now. Those guys chase Du-Roc gangsters through dark alleys. A realtor in a Hawaiian shirt doesn’t scare ‘em much.

The Proc: I heard you serve our great country in one of the branches of the Armed Services. So mucho respect goes out to you first of all. Which branch do you serve in? Oh - and - how badly could you kick my ass at “Combat” on Atari 2600? Or, how badly could you just plain kick my ass?

RP: That’s the fact, Jack! And, thank you for being a supporter of my comrades. I am a First Lieutenant of Infantry in the California Army National Guard. I’m presently assigned to the 40th Infantry Division Headquarters at Los Alamitos. I’ve enjoyed two visits to our friends in the Middle East since 9/11, including time as a platoon leader in training team leader in Baghdad. According to Hay/BadBoy, that involved all desk work, and I never saw action. Perhaps on my next trip over I should return the pieces of shrapnel I kept as a keep sake of the last time somebody tried to blow me up.

RP (cont’d): But, I digress. Combat was THE GAME for the Atari 2600. I remember playing my Uncle Joe when he was visiting when I was like 10. I forgot to tell him the “fire” button on his joystick didn’t work. He didn’t find it nearly as hilarious as I did. Wonder if I could do the same overseas? And, um, no Aaron, I could not kick your ass. I follow the laws of Chuck Norris. CHUCK NORRIS DOES NOT KICK THE ASS OF GOOD MEN - ONLY BAD MEN. AND ONLY 12 AT A TIME.

The Proc: A lot of people see Monrovia as “Anytown USA”. Crush those people’s dreams right now.

RP: Like Johnny Cash said:
I find it very, very easy to be true
I find myself alone when each day is through
Yes, I’ll admit that I’m a fool for you
Because you’re mine, I walk the line

RP (cont’d): Well, inasmuch as I’m kinda fond of my property values, I’d kinda like to keep that perception up. Besides, it happens to be the reality. Monrovia really is a great town. The rest of Los Angeles should be jealous. (Except the cops, who would take a pay cut to come here). But, I’ll admit, I’m a fool for Monrovia!

The Proc: Jake’s Roadhouse or Robin’s Wood Fire BBQ & Grill?

RP: I fell in to burnin’ ring of fire! The taste of love is sweet!

The Proc: Gonna run for Mayor of Monrovia?

RP: Everybody keeps asking me that question. Just because I’m not afraid to speak truth to pwer doesn’t mean I want that power. I’m expecting a chance to travel to another exotic part of the planet at government expense next year. Running for Mayor doesn’t seem like a bright idea. Of course, Chuck Norris could run Monrovia AND kill Taliban. Before lunch.

The Proc: How come you guys get a Wendy’s and we don’t in Pasadena?

RP: Aaron, don’t be jealous, man:
Get rhythm when you get the blues
Hey, get rhythm when you get the blues
It only costs a dime, just a nickel a shoe
Does a million dollars worth of good for you
Get rhythm when you get the blues

RP (cont’d): Do you know why you need to get rhythm? Cause you can’t get a burger at Wendy’s. You don’t have one!

The Proc: Does Bill Bogaard’s liberal hand reach all the way out there?

RP: Chuck Norris stops Bill Bogaards evil ways at the Huntington Exit off the 210. Chuck Norris could kick Bill Bogaard’s ass without any extra vowels.

The Proc: Isn’t it important that we support our police - instead of protesting with stupid posters where there’s a drawing of a pig and the numbers “187″ under it? I wanted to slap that illegal immigrant in LA who did that.

RP: It’s a free country. But, an illegal immigrant shouldn’t be slapped, just deported. But that train keeps a rollin’ on down to San Anton..

RP (cont’d): Why is that so hard for folks to understand. What’s the point of having laws if you’re just going to ignore them? Could I ignore tax laws the way Vivalaraza allows illegal immigrants to flaunt those laws?

The Proc: What’s it like living in Pasadena’s shadow?

RP: You live in Chuck Norris’ shadow! It’s great! Whenever I want to see pretentious self-absorbed freaks walking around in $500 jeans, Maribel (the Beautacious Mrs. Parry) and I pop over there and then go for a stroll on Colorado. Then we come back to Myrtle and live in the real world again.

The Proc: If the characters from Fraggle Rock and Muppet Babies were put in an over-the-top-rope Battle Royale, would would be the sole victor?

RP: Chuck Norris!

The Proc: Ever been to the First Cabin in Arcadia?

RP: Not that I remember. But, from what I hear about the First Cabin, that’s really not an indicator either way.

The Proc: Best song by Wings?

RP: The one that gave them the idea to form a band. Everything else was forgettable.

The Proc: Speaking of Wings, remember the TV show “Wings“? That show was funny until USA Network decided to rerun it 45 times a day.

RP: See, I never noticed ’cause I was too busy having a crush on Crystal Bernard. But, you’re assertion is obviously false, inasmuch as USA plays 36 hours a day of Law & Order. The Beautacious Mrs. Parry never misses a moment! Chuck Norris only need two hours to watch it, though!

The Proc: How come Orange County is politically on the right track but socially annoying with their bonfires and the guys who say “Hey bra”?

RP: My knowledge of life behind the Orange Curtain is limited to traffic patterns around the 405/55 interchange and the gorgeous view from a certain 9th floor suite. But, Chuck Norris would destroy any man who says “hey bra.”

The Proc: What do you think of the local blogosphere?

RP: I know a lot of folks at the Times and LANG who are right rightfully frightened by blogs. Between guys like Centinel, Publius, Frazgo, Patterico and Kevin Roderick, you’ve got the local piece. Drudge gives you the National and International. My story on the link between the anti-cop statements and the City Councilman’s office would have gone completely unreported without blogs. The Trib still hasn’t done the story. That should bother anyone who is at all interested in an informed electorate.

The Proc: Would it be fair to compare call you and Frazgo “Monrovia’s Woodward & Bernstein”?

RP: No, but it would be nice if we could think of someone at the Tribune in that regard. I’m a formally trained journalist with some great by-lines but relatively modest experience. It would be nice to see a real pro sink their teeth into the police pay issue and the City Manager’s loan, etc, etc, etc.

RP (cont’d): Part of the current problem in Monrovia is that there is a lack of information flow, and fact finding. That’s creating suspicion and tension. Somebody needs to get to the bottom of it, but Frazgo and I have day jobs!

The Proc: Didn’t Robert Parry discover the North Pole?

(Proc’s note: It’s actually Peary)

RP: Yes. But only because Chuck Norris permitted it. Chuck Norris told him where to look.

The Proc: Who is the douche-elganger to Steve Madison in Monrovia?

RP: Hay/Bad Boy, of course. I mean, what kind of sicko makes fun of a cop who got shot? I think that when the precise truth comes out (I only painted a general picture), which may be soon, Monrovia will be shocked. Folks who do that kind of thing aren’t thought of as the kinds of folks who lead the Chamber of Commerce or who get named citizen of the year.

The Proc: What rum makes a good rum and Coke?

RP: Wrong question! You want to know WHO makes a good rum and coke! Answer: Any bartender at the Monrovia VFW! And, of course, Chuck Norris!

**

You can check out more of Robert’s work and talent over at the Foothill Cities blog.

Tomorrow marks another historic milestone in the Aaron Proctor Interview Series. It will be the first time The Proc interviews someone running for office. That person is none other than Brian Fuller - who is running for the California State Assembly’s 44th district (where I live).

We’ll find out if he’s worried that Anthony Portantino is going to bury him in the desert.

I wonder how the gladhanding went at the joint PUSD-Council meeting last night.

Buy some stuff,

Enjoy this week’s Sid Tyler Facts!

- AP

Liberty and justice - for anti-smokers only.

Yep, humanoids, that’s what it really feels like right now in the Crown City after Monday’s Council meeting. Even Chris Holden didn’t have the balls to vote “no” on this whole ordeal. Instead, he “abstained” from voting. Steve Madison was out of town in New Jersey on business - I guess it’s just a big coincidence he was 3,000 miles away so when the business community comes down on him in his District, he can say he wasn’t even there to vote on the damn thing.

I really am figuring out this whole liberal “progressive” movement, or at least the definiton of it. And you know what? These limo liberals aren’t that much different than the Christian right wing. Hear me out for a minute.

A lot of these people who want to ban smoking are the same granola covered bozos who want to be able to drive after smoking their medical marijuana. They’re the same people who say the government should stay out of their business when two dudes want to get married or some chick wants to have an abortion. (For the record, I support gay marriage and a woman’s right to choose - if you’re a true Republican, you support people’s personal freedoms.) Yet, when there’s something they DON’T like, they’re like “Please, please, Mr. and Mrs. Big Government, please invade THEIR personal freedoms.”

Much like the Christian right wing - who are mostly Republicans - support the elimination of big government - except when it comes to gay marriage and abortion and marijuana legalization/decriminalization. They only want big government when it’s something they don’t like, when it’s something that offends their religion.

Either way - and this might be a bold statement to some and you might not agree 100% and if that’s the case, then fuck you - if you support gay marriage, if you support a woman’s right to choose, then you’re a hypocrite for supporting Pasadena’s smoking ban. And don’t give me that “but smoking hurts others” bullshit. You’re MURDERING a child when you abort one.

I’ve received a bunch of e-mails about this topic and I’d like to cut and paste some people’s statements. Let’s go to my friend Anonymous, from Pasadena, CA:

I am in total agreement with you on this…….I am most worried when these breakdowns of personal liberties end. Look, I don’t smoke, it helped kill my mother, it’s expensive and yucky- to ME- but it’s a choice.

There are ways to plenty of ways to avoid it if you want to. Alcohol kills, and you know what happened when they tried to stop it in the 30s. If cigarettes become black market, the repercussions and crime associated with it could be worse than for crack.

Bad council. They’re not looking at the big picture. They just want to look good IN the picture.

Glad to see you out there last night. It is now your responsibility to reach out to younger folks like yourself through your blog and get ‘em interested in community affairs by any means necessary!! You’re in a good position here.

Thank you. I, for one, am not going to sit back while the City of Pasadena - or any other place - infringes on other’s rights to begin with. What the fuck do I say over and over again? Oh yeah, that local politics is far more important than national politics. Why? Because things like this get overlooked quite often on a national scope (mostly because we’re the state that’s like that disgusting kind of luncheon meat you get in the store with the cheese already in it while every other state is just regular bologna).

How about this awesome comment from none other than my mother, Beatrice Proctor - she was St. Louis born and raised and has been a resident of Philadelphia for decades now:

Wow! What a controversy smoking is making out there. I guess you may just have to go back to “Dirt Cheap” country, where the “persecuted smoker” is treated with some respect!!! LOL! Yes, with major, major issues like, what do we do when food gets so expensive we can’t eat? OR what do we do when gasoline gets even more expensive and we can’t drive to work (and there is no mass transportation out our way)? who really cares if you or anyone else smokes while waiting on their bus and GOING TO WORK, by the way, or by an ATM, while you are GETTING OUT MORE MONEY FOR FOOD OR GAS? I don’t like smoking, but I really cannot, as an American, feel comfortable about some of the laws certain areas want to enforce.

Even my mom, not even slightly a fan of smoking, thinks this is crazy. But what does she know, right? I mean, she doesn’t live in California, so she doesn’t know “how hard we have it out here”. Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit.

I find it so funny that we want to be so much like Santa Monica because when I was running for Mayor and I had that crazy idea for rent control (which I even know doesn’t fucking work), people said they didn’t want to turn Pasadena into Santa Monica.

Well guess what - you are doing just that with this ordinance.

I also just wanted to also tell you all a little something about this website called nosmokingpasadena.com. First of all, if it’s not anything else, it’s a poster child for the limo liberal agenda in Pasadena. Notice how the title of the website doesn’t say “Ban smoking in Pasadena in public eating areas” - it just says “Ban smoking in Pasadena”. A lot of you don’t understand - these people want to ban smoking EVERYWHERE. Inside, outside, in your living room, out on your porch, etc. Moves like City Council made just got them closer to doing that.

And why is it that every ham and egger with a shitty idea has an even shittier website? Seriously. I mean, I know hippies still have a lot of acid and LSD in their veins - but come on - one of them has to know at least some basic HTML, right?

What a bunch of babies. If you go through this website, you’ll see that they support that stupid warning on movies now that you’ll be watching scenes where people are SMOKING.

Like I said, these fucktards don’t really make any sense. Let’s legalize pot but ban smoking. Let’s have the government stay out of our personal business unless someone else’s personal business offends us.

I’d better go find some petition papers. I want to ban skinny blond bitches who can’t name the two Senators from California who hang out at the Paseo. They are poisoning society and really, really annoying me.

There are some fucking idiots in this town, I swear.

**

John McCain and that bitch who is running for President are both proposing a Gas Tax Holiday, truly a most retarded idea.

Their idea, though, isn’t really completely the worst idea I’ve ever heard - especially when it comes to stimulating the local, Pasadena economy:

TOP TEN REJECTED WAYS TO STIMULATE PASADENA’S ECONOMY

10. $1 Victor Gordo rides

9. All roads leading out of Pasadena are closed under mysterious circumstances
8. City Council Meetings on Mondays - and then - for $15 - a special after-dark all-nude City Council meeting.
7. Last call is upheld by Council, leading to Kevin Uhrich single-handedly saving Pasadena from economic crisis by moving the Pasadena Weekly to the 35er.
6. New billboards: “Buy something or Sid Tyler will bitchslap your children”
5. Every time you pass Colorado Blvd., the City gives you $200.
4. City opens new Old Town valet service with lower prices called “Denva Lanes Valet Pizarking”
3. Pasadena finally gets a football team…..but it’s a Canadian Football League team.
2. City tells residents to just go mug people in San Marino and South Pas
1. Whole Foods starts selling edible food
**

The Aaron Proctor Interview Series is back.  Yeah, City Council members and other City officials have been taking super long getting back to The Proc’s questions.  I guess they’re “busy” with their “important jobs” so much that they can’t give the Most Electrifying Man In Pasadena the time of day.

So, The Proc went upstairs.

Wayyyyyyyyyy upstairs.

Jesus Christ took time out of His more-busy-than-any-of-you-schedule to sit down with me and answer some questions.

The Proc: What’s up?

Jesus Christ:  The sky.  The stars.  Me.  (chuckling)  I love that joke.

The Proc: Who are you going to vote for in the 2008 Presidential Election?

JC:  I have long hair, wear robes and sandals, and talk about peace on earth.  Ralph Nader all the way.

The Proc:  What do you think of Steve Madison?

JC:  Love thy neighbor, Proctor.  He is kind of a douche, though.

The Proc:  Why was “Knot’s Landing” on for so long?

JC:  Dad really liked that show.

The Proc:   Do you ever hang around the gynasium?

JC:  Hah.  “Airplane!” joke.  Very funny, Proctor.

The Proc:  What’s the most annoying hymn with your name in it?
JC:  I’m going to have to go with “O Holy Night” just because people either sing it really great or totally butcher it.  Second choice would be anything from “Godspell“.
The Proc:   You try one of those $5 footlongs at Subway yet?

JC:  They’re a rip off.

The Proc:   Do you get mad when I use the “f-word” a lot?

JC:  It’s cool, man. People really think I get up in arms about that stuff. I’m more worried about you guys killing each other off than someone using profanity. You’re not even saying my Dad’s name in vain.

The Proc:   Which was your favorite chick on “Three’s Company”?

JC:  All of them were great.  I even liked Chrissy’s country-bumpkin cousin.

The Proc:  What’s your favorite bog in Pasadena?
JC:  Nice try.  Foothill Cities do a great job.  Still can’t figure out who Centinel is.

The Proc:  Thanks for taking the time out of your extremely busy schedule to answer some of my questions.

JC:  Whatevs.  No biggie.  See you in 16 and a half months, Mr. Proctor.

The Proc:  What?!?!

**
Nice guy.

Hopefully I can get some more actual Pasadenans in this series, soon.  I’m trying my hardest.

You can love thy neighbor (being me, that is) and sign my petition or buy something from my store.

Keep those suggestions coming for the City Council Drinking Game.

Until tomorrow…be seeing you,

- AP

Happy May Day to all of the Commie Limo Liberals in Pasadena (Bogaard, Madison, Larry Wilson, etc.). Keep making those fuck ups in the People’s Republic of Pasadena so I can have stuff to write about!

**

We’ve got an early winner in this week’s Ham And Egger Awards. I usually give out this coveted prize on Fridays but someone has already taken the cake - or the omelette, if you will.

I checked out the PSN website this morning - mainly to see if any more actors from “CSI” got busted with heroin and cocaine. Then again, you’ve got to be high on something to want to go to the Coachella Music Festival and hang around with eleventeens, girls with dreadlocks, and liberal hipsters who are 35+ and voting in their first election this November. Suit jackets don’t go with jeans and white sneakers, losers.

Anywhooo - I find this little chestnut at the top of the PSN website:

Due to extraordinary technical difficulties, delivery was delayed for today’s print edition, and many of our regular news and sports stories and features did not appear.

We apologize for the inconvenience and the omissions.

We intend to resume our regular coverage in Friday’s print editions.

We will update our Web site throughout the day with local news, sports and features.

Do you hear that noise?

Seriously? You hear something?

Sounds like sirens?

The Ham And Egg Burrito otherwise known as the Star-News couldn’t put together enough good stuff to read so they cry “technical difficulties” for putting out a shittier-than-usual product.

Good on you because - the entire Pasadena Star-News staff, yes, that includes you, Humberto the Janitor, gets this week’s Ham And Egger Award! Congratulations - and no seconds, Barrera, until everyone has had a piece.

UPDATE:  Go get a PSN today!  The 50 cents you spend will be worth millions in laughter

 

**

This summer is going to get a lot hotter - and not just because that’s when Haderlein goes shirtless while walking his dog on Lambert Avenue. This summer, there’s going to be a charity basketball challenge between Steve Haderlein and myself, sponsored in part by the good people and great food at Robin’s BBQ & Grill. That’s Robin’s Woodfire BBQ & Grill, 395 N. Rosemead Blvd., in Pasadena!

Stay tuned, fans of The Proc, when we officially announce a date and a time.

**

On Joe Hopkins’ Speed Dial

Everybody and their mother (including my mother) is still talking about the Rev. Dr. Jeremiah Wright, Esq. Phd. and how he’s affecting Barack Obama’s Presidential campaign.

Here’s a little advice and strategy for anyone else who decides to run for office - whether that would be here in Pasadena or on a national scale:

Separate yourself from the crazies BEFORE you run.

Seriously. If I could go back in time, drop all those subculture losers, take off the make-up, and run again - I would. I would have probably received 22% or even 25% of the vote.

Hindsight is 20/20 and now that I’m clean-cut and have a new attitude, I won’t have to worry about purple-haired freaks following me everywhere and making me look bad (or me making them look good).

What I’m trying to say is that Jeremiah Wright is Barack Obama’s Goth scene. You just don’t wake up one day and say “Hey, I wanna be the fuckin’ President”. I’m certain it takes a lot of time, a lot of decision, a lot of discussion with your family and friends. The second I decided I wanted to be President - whether that was when I was 14 or 40 - I would have dropped Jeremiah Wright like an 18-25 year old Southern California Democrat drops acid. Again, 20/20 hindsight (sorry Susan Kitchens).

In this day and age, nothing seems to “count” before you decide to run for office. Nobody talks about Barack’s drug addictions, nobody talks about Hillary’s husband getting blowjobs, etc, etc. Hell - nobody even discussed about my little fucked up run in with the law back in Philly until 3 months after the election.
We all know Barack Hussein Obama decided to run for Prez when he gave that speech at the DNC in 2004. He should have said “K Thanks Bye” to Rev. Wright the day before. The craziest thing about all of this is the fact that the first viable, serious African American candidate for President is going to have his campaign sabotaged by…another Black dude.

Saves the McCain campaign a lot of time and money. Fine by me.

**

Let’s Go Flyers. Clap, clap, clap-clap-clap. Let’s Go Flyers.

**

The Proc was trying to figure out how to get a statue built of the Most Electrifying Man In Pasadena right near City Hall. When he began building his statue, he was approached by Richard Bruckner - the Crown City’s Director of Planning and Development. After Bruckner gave him a slap on the wrist and a “tsk, tsk”, Bruckner agreed to sit down for some interview questions - on the condition that The Proc take down his fake “Proctor Avenue” sign over what used to be the “Euclid Ave” sign.

The Aaron Proctor Interview Series continues….

The Proc: Because of the title you hold - are you really good at SimCity?

Richard Bruckner: Showing my age, I have not played since it first came out and it was accessed on a mainframe with punch cards.

The Proc: Follow-up question: How about Jenga?

RB: Way too clumsy

The Proc: Who wins in a game of flag football between the Planning and the Design Commissions?

RB: Clearly a draw.. Planning comm. would devise an overly complex but politically correct strategy that could not be implemented and the design commission would be stymied between a west coast [modern] offense and a neo-traditional defense.

The Proc: Where’s my statue and/or street named after me? Do we really need Thurgood Marshall St.?

RB: Most art work in the city associated with an individual happens as a memorial so you may never know the rest of the story, but to get started… Submit a preferred list of artists to the Arts and Culture Commission and be prepared to pay one per cent of the cost of the Proctor Building.

The Proc: Could I get a conditional use permit on the condition that you make me a sandwich? No onions.

RB: Absolutely not, the environmental work on the evaluation of green house gas impacts for this project would make it too costly and the sandwich would be beyond stale.

The Proc: I have this idea for a new TV action series called “Bruckner!” Each week, you could solve difficult planning problems that save the world. It’d be like a cross between “Quincy” and “MacGuyver“. Wouldn’t that show rock?

RB: Slow down, we have plenty to wrestle with right here in Pasadena, we would not have to go beyond our own municipal borders to fill a 13 week season.

The Proc: Why does Ohio State always choke in the title game?

RB: It all stems from that mascot Brutus Buckeye, a nut as a mascot, how can you win?

The Proc: Can we make an ordinance against District 6 Councilmen wearing lavender ties?

RB: He is raising the fashion bar at Council mtgs. Aaron, don’t you know? Lavender is the new black!

The Proc: Can you help bring a Wendy’s to Pasadena?

RB: My kids own Wendy’s stock, I cannot even fathom the ethical violations let alone the Tax payer protection act forms to be completed!

The Proc: When you worked for the City of Anaheim - did you ever get to meet Mary Poppins? You know, Richard, I met her once. She told me to stand
up straight. She needs to mind her own business.

RB: No but, I had one minor encounter with an oversized mute mouse and don’t want to repeat it.

**

Kind of a fun guy - just wish he’d taken the time to answer more questions. Haven’t had anybody scheduled for tomorrow yet - but who knows who might show up!?
Don’t forget to help support this website by checking out some of the hot merchandise at the Aaron Proctor Store. Also - don’t forget to sign my important petition!

Check out Centinel’s new rule in the City Council Drinking Game!

Be seeing you,

- AP

Inspired by Susan Kitchens’ rendering of Jacque Robinson, based upon my rant yesterday, I made this picture of Councilman Gordo:

Speaking of picking on City Council - the popularity of my City Council Drinking Game has grown quite a bit. Just in time for Cinco De Mayo, I’ve converted the City Council Drinking Game into a special section of this very website. Click here to check out the rules and to submit your own ideas!

**

Anybody see Law & Order: SVU last night? It was a big fucking deal because the sometimes-hilarious, sometimes-annoying Robin Williams guest starred last night - doing his typical “I can play a creepy guy in a dramatic role and even impress The Proc” shebang.

The hook wasn’t even Robin’s performance, which was actually pretty good and left me on the edge of my sofa seat. The actual kicker was another cameo that surprised any of us over 25 years old: Joyce DeWitt playing a nurse in a hospital.

You’re probably thinking to yourself “Damn, Proc, you so crazy. Who da fuck is Joyce DeWitt?” (if you live in Northwest Pasadena) and “Mr. Proctor, your general delusions of grandeur about uncertain actors will never be solved - even in the fullness of time.” (if you live in West Pasadena).

Joyce DeWitt is none other than the chick who played Janet on “Three’s Company“. That was pretty cool to see her. Maybe that episode will win an Emmy?
**

I finally got around to mailing the actual Ham & Egger Awards out to the three winners so far. I sent one to last week’s winner Joe Hopkins (with a fake return address), the week before’s Joe Piasecki, and the inaugural Ham & Egger himself, Fred Ortega.

Apparently Fred is pretty damn proud of his mediocre and lackluster work as K-Todd’s replacement. Here’s a picture of him taken by Frank Girardot, his co-worker and Crime Scene blogger:

Don’t smile, it’s not a compliment. Button your shirt’s top button, Fred. You’re at work, not a home. And clean up that pile of papers to your left! Does your mother work at the PSN? Unless your mother is Larry Wilson?
**

If you know letters A through B, you probably aren’t going to school in Pasadena
Dormitas is pretty pissed about the PUSD wanting more money from us taxpayers and I don’t blame him one bit. I hate when public schools say they need funding to make the schools better, proceed to take our money, and then do an even shittier job.

I wish a politician would have the testicles to say the following: Let’s face it, some kids are just stupid. Maybe it’s because they’re born that way, maybe it’s because their parents are stupid, maybe it’s the environment they grow up in with the MySpace and the Facebook and the cell phones and the MTV making it not cool to know the answer to “Final Jeopardy”.

We have the worst public schools in the country here in California. Ya think throwing money at them is going to change everything? (Or anything?!) I could put a bag of hammers on my living room floor and throw money at the bag of hammers for days and it’s not going to be able to tell me the Pythagorean theorem. It would be just as futile as giving PUSD more money.

I don’t have kids and I really don’t want children at this point in time. That’s why I wear a condom and that’s also why I don’t really talk about PUSD that much - because if there’s anything else I hate, it’s when a politician who doesn’t even send their kids to public schools is talking about PUSD. However, I am a realist. If we just let these kids fall behind, then who the fuck cares? We already pretty much do that any way.

Besides, if we don’t let stupid kids fall behind - then who is going to take my order at Wendy’s? Help me find the DVD section at Wal-Mart? Who is going to come over and install my cable? Who is going to become the next big star in the NBA? Some illegal immigrant? Nahh…it should be a John Muir High School graduate!

I say we take that money and use it for better things in Pasadena. Expanding our ARTS bus system, building stronger neighborhoods, and stuff like that. That’s what I call thoughtful management of Pasadena’s finances.

And, by the way, I went to one of the lowest ranked public schools in all of Pennsylvania. I did quite fine myself. Why? Because I’m a genius. I didn’t get any money thrown at me to be that way either - it’s because I have genius parents who taught me that reading and writing and `rithmetic were more important than wearing the coolest clothes or being the most popular kid in school.

If we’re gonna teach Darwinism in schools, we might as well use “survival of the fittest” as a means of determining that they don’t get any of my hard-earned cash. Goldbrickers.
**

The Proc’s “Interview With A Bogaard” in yesterday’s edition of The Aaron Proctor Interview Series was such a huge hit that The Most Electrifying Man in Pasadena decided to go ahead and interview Bogaard’s secretary, Jana Stewart.

Jana (that’s pronounced John-uh) Stewart has been Bogaard’s right hand woman for the past 8 years. Let’s find out, together, what it’s like to work for the Man Who Crushed The Proc:

The Proc: How many words a minute do you type? I type 110 words a minute. I should have your job.

Jana Stewart: 116 on a slow day, but speed is all relative, Proc. Acurasee iz mch mo imprtnt, d’ont yew thynk?

The Proc: True or false: 11.2% of Pasadena can’t be wrong.

Jana: This is truly false.

The Proc: Do you think Dwight and Angela will ever get back together on “The Office“?

Jana: Hey, who wouldn’t want to get back with Dwight…in the scheme of things, is a cat-sicle really a reason to break up with someone? It’s not like he made her eat Sprinkles or anything.

The Proc: Does Bill Bogaard like Ronnie James Dio songs?

Jana: Are you kidding? The first thing I programmed into his ipod was “The Elf Albums“. Or wait, was it “The Butterfly Ball”?

The Proc: Ever make paper airplanes out of Council agendas?

Jana: Guess you’ve heard I’m the Origami Wizard of City Hall. Planes, cranes and automobiles fill my recycling bin every Tuesday morning.

The Proc: How many women swoon when I walk into City Hall?

Jana: Can I count that that raven haired trannie that walks around Old Town?

The Proc: You ever meet Sid Tyler? I heard he ate three 72 oz. steaks in an hour. He spent the first 45 minutes banging the waitress.

Jana: I heard it was 45 steaks and three minutes. Hmmm…not bad either way!

The Proc: How many city employees would get knackered at Moose McGillicutty’s when the offices were temporarily in the Chamber?

Jana: (Hiccup) notice they closed down not long after we left? (Hiccup) What’s up with that? This is no coincidence.

The Proc: Make The Proc a cup of coffee, stat.

Jana: I’ll get right on it. Hope you like two lumps of shugavery with that coffee.

The Proc: Who would win in a fight between Steve Madison and The Iron Sheik?

Jana: Let’s just say a certain Maserati in Pasadena has a custom clutch in the shape of a camel. An homage to his wrestling skills, no doubt. Sorry, Mr. Vaziri.

The Proc: Think I should keep you on staff when I become Mayor?

Jana: Somebody’s got to teach you how to run things…then again, I plan on retiring in 2036. Think you’ll be Mayor by then? Hahaw, electoral burn!

The Proc: Where’s the “Welcome To Pasadena” sign?

Jana: I believe it’s in fine print at the top of the overnight parking tickets.

The Proc: Does Bill Bogaard make you put cover sheets on your TPS Reports? (”Office Space” reference by the way)

Jana: You think I didn’t catch that Office Space reference? I deal with the *&$#*!@ residents like you so the Mayor doesn’t have to! I have people skills! I am good at dealing with people! Can’t you understand that? What the hell is wrong with you, Aaron Proctor?

The Proc: Give me three facts about you. Two truths and one lie.

Jana: My stripper name is Heather Garfield; I can read and write in Korean; I swoon when you walk into City Hall.

The Proc: Did Bogaard wear Hammer Pants in the late 80’s?

Jana: I can’t touch this.

**

That was fun and educational, as all the Proc’s adventures seem to be as of late. Tomorrow - The Great One’s got Richard Bruckner. Who the fuck is he? He’s the Director of the Department of Planning & Development!
Buy some stuff. Sign my petition.

Be seeing you,

- AP

From the “No Shit, Sherlock!” file comes this gem from Pasadena Now (probably cut and pasted from somewhere else):

As a result of the ongoing wildfires in the foothills above Pasadena , Sierra Madre and Arcadia , air quality continues to remain unhealthful throughout the San Gabriel Valley, said a spokesperson in a news statement. 

Really?  The fires are causing bad air quality, huh?  Next week there’s gonna be a Pasadena Now exclusive:  SLICED BREAD!  Look out, America.

You’d think they’d be blaming the air quality on us evil, second-class cigarette smokers.

Speaking of City Council’s proposed smoking ban - it looks like next week isn’t going to be the “big meeting”.  The word on Garfield Street is that they’ll be passing it on to the Planning Commission.
So the smoking ban just gets another stay of execution.  That’s fine with me, considering I’m not even going to heed the ordinance when it’s passed.

Example 1 of Not The Pasadena Way 

I am glad, though, that Council - especially guys like Victor Gordo - brought up nuisance shopping carts.  I’m sick and tired of walking around and seeing those things everywhere being left over by the homeless.  Like that annoying lady who walks around North Pasadena talking to herself while pushing one.

I especially hate the nuisance shopping carts.  You know, the kind of shopping cart you walk past and then it says to you “Pssst…want to buy some apples?”  No, Mr. Shopping Cart, I don’t.  Get a fucking job.

**

Interviewed just yesterday by yours truly, District 1’s Jacque Robinson is making some local news again.

According to the Blather And The Fury, Jacque’s having a District 1 Community meeting soon.  That’s great - if it weren’t in Altadena.

What’s up with Jacque’s meeting not only not being held in her own district - but not in her own City as well!?

Well, apparently, her meeting is in her own district.  It’s one of those weird parts of Pasadena and Altadena that assimilate into a place where people are Pasadena and Altadena voters.  Weird and unheard of - but Jacque even commented on Kelly’s blog:

Hi Kelly,

Sorry to see you won’t be making the meeting. In any event, just wanted to let you and your readers know that District 1, in fact, includes Altadena addresses and residents who are lucky enough to be able to vote in both Pasadena AND Altadena. District 1 runs along Arroyo straight through Windsor (where the Vista Laguna’s and Florecita’s run as well as about 1/2 of Altadena Dr.) Odyssey is actually in the District. As a general rule, anyone can go to lavote.net and click on “District look up by address” on the right hand side and it will give you not only your City District, but Congress, Assembly, and all the other elected officials you’d like to contact for your address.

As a general practice, I am making it a practice to move the meetings around the District so everyone has an opportunity to participate, including my Altadena constituents.

Thanks

Damn it.  And here I was hoping Jacque was trying to pull something Borg-esque, a la Susan Kitchens’ comment:

Here’s why the weird venue, Kelly– I think that Jacque Robinson scheduled the meeting at this location as a city annex aggressive move. She wants more territory.
She wants her district, District 1, to be larger. Altadena, prepare to be assimilate