The Adventures of Aaron Proctor

Pssst..did you hear there’s the fifth SGV (And Elsewhere) Blogger Picnic taking place next Saturday at the palatial Aztec Hotel in Monrovia, CA?  If you didn’t get the Evite, please let me know so you don’t miss out on the Most Electrifying Blogger Picnic ever.
Some of the fucking awesome superstars in attendance…..

Yours truly, The Proc

West Coast Grrlie Blather

Frazgo

Assembly (44th District) candidate Brian Fuller

Former WWF wrestler Eddie “The Banjo” Marks
Pasadena’s Public Spokeshole Ann Erdman

“Hollywood” Frank Girardot

AND LOTS MORE!  Thanks to Kathryn Reece for providing the location again and for whipping up some ham and eggs for everyone to eat.  Not a joke.
Don’t be square, be there.

**

Yesterday, “Mr. Thursday Morning” Andre Coleman and The Proc were walking down Green Street when up pulls a Ford Escape driven by a guy in a white baseball cap, orange shirt, and orange watch.

It was none other than STEVE MADISON!  Looked like he was going to a rave for golfers or something. He and Andre exchanged pleasantries, he even said hi to me, and I asked him where his Maserati was.  After he and Andre raved about how great Ownedbama’s speech was at the Democrat Convention, Madison drove away as I yelled “YOU’RE A DOUCHEBAG MADISON!”

The Proc 15329804832493802, Madison 0.

Ultravox is the bomb.  So is black licorice.
Be seeing you,

- AP

The Proc doesn’t understand what kids are sayin’ half the time.  Luckily, he’s got some Slang Flashcards from Lula Mae - so he can bring you The Slang Word Of The Week!

This week’s word: roll.

roll vb [ME, fr. MF roller, fr. (assumed) VL rotulatre, fr. L rotulus] 1 : to go out with “I’m ROLLING with the Human Relations Commission tonight” - syn CHILL, KICK IT 2 a : to leave, esp. in a vehicle “CHIEF MELEKIAN, LET’S ROLL“  b : to ride in a car 3 : to laugh uncontrollably 4 : to fight - syn wack, throw down, scrap, clock 5 : to have lots of money

Chris Holden likes to roll with other guys who wear glasses.

Iron Maggie rolls with Wrigley, the gentrification wonder dog.

**

I read an interesting letter in the PW this week….

Dry thoughts
While brushing my teeth — closing the water tap as requested — questions swirled in my head during the procedure.

If water shortages are on the horizon, why are new toilets springing up, flowing in new constructions? Something is not quite right. Why no moratorium on new construction in Pasadena, except of course, emergency facilities, etc.

Here I am, conserving a modest amount of water, attempting to do my part as directed by the city of Pasadena.

Will someone in the upper level of our city government splash some light on this conundrum?
~JAMES BEHM, PASADENA

Well, let me field that question James.

City Councilmembers are better than you and don’t have to follow the rules.

Just like they tell us all to take the ARTS bus and then drive their Maseratis into City Council meetings.

So, it’s obvious that wasting water only applies to you and I, the PCC-educated plebeians, who aren’t as cool enough as the part-time Councilman, full-time lawyers who are exempt from all rules and regulations in the City of Pasadena.

Fuck that noise.  I’m running my sink as we speak.  And I’m not even home.

**

To answer all the e-mails, The Proc’s many investments are fine.  The Proc, long ago, invested in latex, which continues to climb in the offshore markets - thanks to The Proc buying 90% of it.  Ya hear that, Queen Mickie?

**

Todd Ruiz is back with a new blog called “Pasadena: Center Of The Universe“.

Expect my blog link to be taken down after 3 days of calling someone a douchebag, talking about the band Japan, and/or hitting on the assumedly hot Monica chickie.  We call this “The Ann Erdman Rule”.  We’re cool, Ann, I know it wasn’t your fault you had to take my link down.

**

Have a happy and safe weekend.

Be seeing you,

- AP

The Proc demands that you pick up this week’s Pasadena Weekly.  Not only for another electrifying edition of “5 Questions” (this time, with art & antique gallery owner, Tania Verafield) - also for a few other interesting articles….

Samuel L. Jackson’s new movie, “Lakeview Terrace” is all the rage in Altadena right now - especially since the plot mirrors a story The PW’s “Mr. Thursday Morning” Andre Coleman has been working on for over half a decade.  The story is by Carl “Shut The Fuck Up Donnie” Kozlowski.

The Irsie “Would Really Hate The Proc’s Mom & Dad” Henry story seems pretty comparable to the racist cop Samuel “Snakes On A Muthafuckin’ Plane” Jackson plays in the film.  Hey - Andre - if you want - I’ll help you out with your own version of “Lakeview Terrace”.  Best comedy of the year.  We could have Irsie chasing his neighbors around with pepper spray to the Benny Hill music.

I wish I could do “5 Questions” with this Irsie guy..

1. My mom is white and my dad is black…so do you hate me?
2. You do know that Axe Deodorant does not make a “Pepper Spray” brand, right?
3. WTF kind of name is Irsie?
4. Do you feel bad about the movie?  `Cause you shouldn’t.  I’d love to be played by Samuel L. Jackson.
5. How many mixed couples did you pull over for “broken taillights”?

The real movie is getting some good reviews, though..look what I found in some Hollywood rag:

**

Madison And Selinske, Sittin’ In A Tree - D-O-U-C-H-E-B-A-G-G-I-N-G…..
 

Surprise, surprise:  Madison’s not the biggest douche in the PW this week.  That title goes to PUSD board member Tom Selinske, who tries to sell us poor saps on why we should vote to flush our money down the toilet and support Measure TT…which, to me, stands for “Measure Tsk, Tsk“.  Do they think we’re a bunch of retards?  Don’t answer that, Virginia.

If you vote yes on TT, you’re an assclown.  Plain and simple.  PEF wants to fuck us all in the ass and I don’t swing that way, better call Larry.

P.S. Way to earn yourself some Ham & Eggs, Selinske.
**

Violent crime is up 22% in Pasadena - according to Alfred Lee at the Pasadena Star-Snotrag.

TRIVIA TIME!

True or false:  Alfred Lee once wrote for “LA CityBeat“, back when it was a good paper.

Answer?

FALSE.  LA CityBeat was never a good paper.

Anyhow -yep..crime is up…but even like Del Apter said, it could be just something that fluctuates - like Britney Spears’ sobriety.

It is nice that we don’t even pay attention to the statistics in the City, though.  Let’s talk about adding streetcars and not worry about crime being up or not even discuss it during a City Council meeting.  I mean - I know - what the fuck are we supposed to discuss?  Well, I don’t know, how about - instead of giving $2 million away on “quiet helicopter” - we get a few more cops out there?  I’m sure $2 million is a LOT of cops!  “BUT I WAN’T QUIET NEIGHBORHOODS”..maybe if we had more foot patrols and less helicopters…huh?  Did The Proc just make a lot of fucking sense…yeah he did.

Yeah, in the Crown City, crime sure doesn’t pay…………………….the bills like the Rose Parade does, so let’s not talk about it.

Oh and I figured out another way to get me to read the Star-News besides putting my name in it…

They need more pics of this fine piece of ass to my left.  Yeah, just move that hand you have on my jacket a little lower, Mickie.  Seriously - what’s up with all the hot chicks at the Star-News?

That picture, by the way, is from the third Bloggers picnic.  Will you make our fifth get together on the 27th at 1 p.m.?  Let me know if you haven’t received an EVite!

**

Dormitas is back with another classic City Council “blow by blow”.   Public Comment sure has been boring lately.  Where’s the crazy singing poem lady?  Oh, that’s right, smoking pot somewhere and listening to Joni Mitchell.  Ann, find her. Somebody needs to go in there and spice it out.  Somebody electrifying.  Like me.

So, The Proc will be at public comment next Monday to discuss some VERY important issues affecting the community.  Don’t be square - be there!  Bring a change of panties, ladies.

**

Covina had better stock up on vodka and Pall Malls Lights 100’s.  Cynthia Kurtz is coming to town.  My favorite former City Manager is gonna be rockin’ it out east. 

So we lose Cynthia to some NASCAR maniac from the IE?

Which dumb asses let her go again?  Oh, right….

**

This is the funniest prank I’ve ever seen on YouTube.  This kid, one day before his graduation, sets up a computer he brought from home..and..well, you’ll just have to watch to see his teacher freak out.

Be seeing you,

- AP

I really like The Foothill Cities Blog.  It’s the most popular blog in all of Blogadena (and surrounding areas) - and is chock full of chestnuts, tidbits, and contributions from all different kinds of people - including The Most Electrifying Man In Pasadena, The Proc.

They also save me from actually having to read the Star-Quilted Northern a lot of the time.  I found these great entries on the site yesterday…..

The “Peace Ambassador Program” is being launched at…can’t hardly finish typing this sentence without bursting out in laughter…John fuckin’ Muir High School.

Enabled by a grant from the California Endowment, the nonprofit social services organization is launching the “Peace Ambassador” program this school year at John Muir High School and Washington Elementary School in northwest Pasadena.

The program will recruit five students from each school, and Ertll and his staff will hire and train them in conflict resolution and peer-to-peer mediation. The students will receive $200 stipends for their participation.

The goal is to resolve student conflicts on campus before they can escalate into violence, he said. “It’s a significant problem when students don’t feel safe in their communities, especially in northwest Pasadena.” 

Hey, $200 ain’t too shabby.  You can put that money away for a textbook or two for college..or use some of it to buy a monthly bus pass for the Gold Line…or get a decent gun or drugs on the streets!

For a “$200 stipend”, I’d also pretend to care about other people’s problems.

**

Ahh, Pasadena City College..PCC.  The Proc’s Alma Mater.  And home to a hilarious story I found, again, on Foothill Cities - through “Hollywood” Girardot:

A registered sex offender and member of PCC’s football team, was arrested Sept. 2, the first day of school, on an assault charge after a fight with a female friend.

Darryl Stephens (also known as “slurp” to friends and teammates) has been on parole since April 4, 2005, for a charge of “assault to commit a specific sex crime,” according to the California Department of Corrections. He was also wearing a GPS high-risk sex offender bracelet on his left ankle and was listed as a restrained person per a domestic violence order, according to the arrest report. 

This would make a great one act play. 

(Cut to locker room scene, guys getting ready for their big game against DeVry University - or whomever PCC plays in NCAA Division 48..)

Second Year Linebacker:  “Hey slurp…what’s happenin’?”

Slurp:  “Not much…just got out of a Yahoo chatroom with a fourteen…”

Rookie Wide Receiver (interrupting): “Hey - why do they call you slurp?”

Slurp:  “Well, it’s how I got this….”

(Shows ankle bracelet, they and the audience get a chuckle..)

(Fade To Black)

**

Pasadena…the San Francisco treat? 

Some people are desiring a streetcar (hah - get it?! Well, the Star-News thought it was funny..)  to run on Union and Green Streets here in Pasadena.

Sounds like a really cool idea, right?

Absofuckinglutely not.

First of all - let me tell you how awesome Union Street is.  Living in District 5, it only takes me 20 minutes to walk to work in Old Town via Union.  No annoying Colorado Blvd foot traffic & long lights…and no having to walk anywhere near the Paseo, like you even have to do on Green Street.  It’s a beautiful walk through a beautiful part of town - even at points, between Los Robles & Lake, making you feel as though you’re walking somewhere back east.  I do a lot of happy thinking walking to and from home on Union…don’t fuck this shit up for me, Crown City.

As Fiddy Cents brings up, trolleys would ruin the nice flow of traffic that both streets have (especially Union).

And instead of adding this trolley system - making Pasadena into more of the most pussified City on the earth, San Francisco - why don’t we fix up some other things down that way?  I mean, come on, you wouldn’t put a new addition on to your $52 million mansion without fixing the leaky room in one of your 12 living rooms (that’s an old West Pasadena saying I learned recently).

Why not fix up the deplorable Central Park?  The park now SMELLS like human urine from all the fucking homeless people there.  It’s disgusting and - surprisingly enough - it’s IN THE MIDDLE OF OLD TOWN.  If this park were a few more blocks up, the shit that I see there everyday would NOT be going on.

Let’s get our priorities in line before we start adding new things.  If my SimCity experience has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t go build 3 football stadiums when your residents are crying for more police and fire fighters.

But what the hell do I know?

**

It’s time for another edition of Dear Mr. Proc. 

This one comes straight from Dear Abby on Yahoo News:

DEAR ABBY: I am 20 years old and had never been in love until recently. The only problem is, the man I fell for is married.

I knew “Craig” was married when I began talking to him at work. We have never “done” anything but talk, but sometimes that’s all it takes. Craig was going through a separation, and we talked every day for hours at a time.

Now he doesn’t want to talk at all. He says he needs time and doesn’t want anyone to get hurt, but I am already hurt. I try to talk to him, but he doesn’t respond. Craig is ignoring me now, and it’s very painful. I have already fallen for him, and I am more than willing to wait, but each passing day it gets harder and harder.

Please advise me on what to do. Is love worth all the pain? — HEARTBROKEN IN OHIO 

Dear Fucktard In Ohio,

You’re a 20 year old chick.  Do you know how many more times you’re going to be “in love” before you’re 30?  Hopefully your next “Craig” is single and doesn’t work for the airlines - because you’re going to have to pay extra for all that baggage! 

Be seeing you,

- AP

So The Proc’s in Old Pasadena yesterday, just getting off work, smoking a cigarette, on the phone with his brother, Josh, wishing him a happy birthday.

The Most Electrifying Man in Pasadena finishes The Most Electrifying Cigarette in Pasadena and throws it into the street.

Suddenly, some old limo liberal bitch drives up in her huge gas-guzzling SUV and says “Hey! Can you pick up that cigarette you just threw on the ground?  And are you with the McCain campaign?” (asking because I have a McCain sticker on the bag I carry to work).

I am on the phone with my brother at the time and he’s all like “What’s going on Aaron?” and I tell him to hold on.

“Fuck you. If you got a problem with me throwing a cigarette in the street, fucking pick it up yourself…and if you have a problem with me supporting McCain, get out of your fucking car and say it to my face” I say to the bitch as she drives off in her SUV.  That’s how we roll back in Philly and I am bringing some of that toughness to Pasadena.  If I drove up South Street and asked someone to pick their cigarette up, I’d get my ass beat…on principle alone.

And say what you want about Philadelphia - but at least they’re building the 3rd largest building in the US, the American Commerce Center.  Could you imagine the bitching and complaining if that were happening in certain neighborhoods in Pasadena?

This crazy bitch was worried about my little fucking cigarette in the street.  Seriously.  And now, just because of her, any time I’m smoking in Old Pasadena, that cigarette is either going right into the street or I’ll just flick a cigarette butt in the iPod store or something.  You don’t fuck with the Proc - and I’m not afraid of those assclowns on the Segways.  Bring them on.

Josh - all the way back in Philly - wondered what was going on and I said “Oh, some stupid bitch stopped in her SUV to ask me to pick up a cigarette” and he’s like “Huh?!  Why would anyone do that?”

Why would anyone do that, mon frere?  I tell you why.

Pasadena is a great City, it’s the Center of the Universe, home of the Rose Parade, home of Caltech and all that jazz….but it’s also a city that has a ton of pussies.  Not just some of the people who live here but the people who govern as well.  Bunch of mamby-pampby-got-picked-last-for-kickball-and-going-to-go-home-and-cry-to-mom-about-it pussies.

Throwing a cigarette into the street in, god forbid, sacred Old Town?!  That’s unheard of.  You can’t do that.  It would be like murdering a small child.

Maybe if we switched to RC helicopters, everyone would be happy?

Did you know the City of Pasadena is going to spend $2 million on QUIET HELICOPTERS.  Yeah, because people from all over Pasadena call in and complain about the helicopters.  The limo liberals in Linda Vista don’t want them because “why would we need them? no crime happens here” and the people in the Northwest don’t want them, even though that’s where a lot of the crime happens.

Why are we spending $2 million on this?  Do we really need quiet helicopters?  We LIVE IN A CITY.  THERE’S GOING TO BE NOISE.  If you don’t want noise, move ELSEWHERE.  It’s just a helicopter flying over, trying to protect you.  Deal with it.  $2 million - how many police or firefighters salaries is that?  How many new textbooks for our fucking failing 49th in the nation schools is that?

But, no, some assclown wants quiet helicopters.

Pussies.  Fucking pussies.

If I were happened to be elected to City Council, my first task would be the de-pussification of Pasadena.  Nobody should fuck with us….not even ourselves.

**

I’d suggest bulldozing Old Pasadena to the ground if my job and Lula Mae wasn’t there.  Seriously, that store rocks - and that’s where I got the Slang Flashcards…so I could bring you the Slang Word Of The Week!

This week’s word:  crib

crib n [ME, fr. OE cribb; akin to OHG krippa manger, and perh. to Gk griphos reed basket] one’s place of residence, domicile “IT’S THE HIP THING FOR RICH PASADENANS TO PHYSICALLY MOVE THEIR CRIB FROM ONE PART OF THE CITY TO ANOTHER” - syn PAD, CASTLE, NEST, DIGS, FLAT

I wonder which Councilmember is going to put this crib on a truck and move it?

**

Congrats to The Proc’s close personal friend, Robin Salzer, and his wife, AMV, on the birth of their twin boys!!!  Robin says it’s truly a miracle and a blessing.  Ahhh, the miracle of life…so beautiful yet so complicated!

**

Get to work, jabronis.

Be seeing you,

- AP

On a serious note:

Today is the 7th anniversary of the attacks on the World Trade Center, Pentagon, and Western Pennsylvania (the latter, most likely headed for the White House or the Capitol).

No matter your party aliegance or your alliance, please don’t forget to silently, in whatever way you do things, thank those who gave their lives - not only unknowingly by being a victim of this most heinous act of our modern day society - but those who went out to try and save those lives.

I’ll never forget that day on September 11th, 2001 (September 11th, which also happens to be my youngest brother, Josh’s birthday - happy birthday, by the way, Josh!) - and I’ll never forget where I was (Dallas, Texas to be exact) or how I felt afterward.

Never, ever forget.

**

Don’t forget to pick up a PW this week - not only is there another excellent edition of my “5 Questions” column (this time, with Huntington Catering Company owner, Justin Prietto) - there’s also a sweet letter about me and my interview with my close, personal friend Huell Howser in the letters section.  Read on, folks, read fucking on.

**

Ann Erdman has got seven little trivia questions about Pasadena over on her blog.  That’s all fine and dandy - but as The Proc usually does what he wants - he’s going to be the Most Electrifying Man in Pasadena and make her seven little trivia questions 11% better.

1.  About how many people are fucked over per day by the City of Pasadena?

a)  1,200

b)  2,300

c)  appx 160,000

2.  Which three positions are least cared about by the City Council?

a) City Manager

b) Police Chief

c) City Clerk

d) City Treasurer

e) Chris Holden
f) City Attorney
3.  Which three revenue sources does the City use to give everybody in West Pasadena a good life as well as say “fuck all” to everyone else?

a) Property tax

b) Transient occupancy tax (hotel room tax)
c) Sales tax
d) Secret PEF funds
e) Parking meters and parking tickets
f) Utility users tax

4.  Which type of business should be have been asked first about how the proposed smoking ban will affect them?

a) Auto sales
b) Restaurants
c) Department stores
d) Gas stations
e) Armenians
f) Computer software companies

Ann Erdman and I

5.  Which four properties have more importance to the City of Pasadena than your own safety and well-being?

a) Wrigley Mansion / Tournament of Roses headquarters
b) The Gamble House
c) Pasadena Senior Center
d) Madison’s Maserati and Asian Whore
e) Pacific Asia Museum
f) Armory Center for the Arts
g) Pasadena Playhouse

6.  Which three official, charted businesses development districts does Larry Wilson like to name drop in his editorials?

a) Old Pasadena Management District
b) South Lake Business District
c) Playhouse District Association
d) The Boulevard
e) East Washington Boulevard Business District

7.   What of these items does The Proc not give a shit about and throw in other people’s blue recycling bins when he’s walking down the street?

a) Batteries
b) Phone books
c) Glass jars and bottles
d) Styrofoam
e) Used condoms
f) Used motor oil
g) Computers

Sorry, Ann

**

I’ve always been a big fan of the song Australian folk song “Waltzing Matilda“.  My brother, Adam, had to learn it in 4th grade Music class and used to sing it all the fucking time.

I also used to have this very cool neighbor named Dave Bond, who was from Australia.  He liked his beer and darts and knew a thing or two about cricket and shuffleboard - not the shuffleboard Claire Bogaard plays on vacation - actual shuffleboard.

Anyhow, I noticed that “Waltzing Matilda” fit perfectly, syllable-wise, with “Old Pasadena“…so here’s my tribute to Old Pasadena, self-titled, sung to the tune of “Waltzing Matilda“:

“Old Pasadena” (sung to “Waltzing Matilda”)

Once a limo liberal had a few thousand bucks,
Unsure of how he would spend his money,
So he jumped in his Prius and drove down Colorado
“Who’ll come to Old Pasadena with me?”

Old Pasadena, Old Pasadena
“Who’ll come to Old Pasadena with me”
And he sang in his Prius and drove down Colorado
“You’ll come to Old Pasadena with me”

First, he had some wine at that place Mi Piace
Then bought a new power suit at Armani
And he smiled as he passed the McMurphy’s and Lula Mae
“You’ll come to Old Pasadena with me”.

Old Pasadena, Old Pasadena
“Who’ll come to Old Pasadena with me”
And he laughed as he dropped a thousand bucks at Armani
“You’ll come to Old Pasadena with me”

Down came yellow jackets, mounted on their Seg-a-ways
Up came the hobags, one, two, three
“Where’s the 35er? It’s not really a dive bar”
“You’ll come to Old Pasadena with me”

Old Pasadena, Old Pasadena
“Who’ll come to Old Pasadena with me”
“Want to play some pool at Jake’s Billiards in the alley?”
“You’ll come to The Equator with me”

Up got the slutbag and jumped into her brand new car,
“You’ll find me at Neomeze”, said she,
And her tits may be seen as you pass by that Hooters place
“Who’ll come to Old Pasadena with me”?

Old Pasadena, Old Pasadena
“Who’ll come to Old Pasadena with me”
And her ass may be seen outside Forever 21
“Who’ll come to Old Pasadena with me”?

**

Who gets to choke on some ham and eggs this week?  None other than Al-Qaeda.  Fundamentalist douchebags!

**

Is Obama like George Costanza?

**

The Proc wants some Vannia on his De La Cuba,

- AP

“Dear Mr. Proc” is back - and with a new twist.  Once in a while, The Most Electrifying Man In Pasadena, The Proc, will be going around to various advice columnists and answering the letters written to them.  That way, these people can get some good advice instead of the lame crock of shit they’re going to get from Dear Abby (how old is she - 5000 now?)

I think people who write into advice columns are lame as hell.  The people who are written to might be slightly less intelligent than punching yourself in the crotch.  Do you know how much mail these “columnists” get, any how?  “Oh - I’ve got a dire relationship/dating problem that I should talk to a close confidant or friend or family member to - but I’ll shoot ol’ Amy Alkon an e-mail and wait 8 months for my article to get printed!  That’ll learn me!”

These columns survive and are pretty popular, though.  So, The Proc’s decided he wants some of that action.

Today’s first question comes from the genius over at AskDog.com.  Yeah, because I’d totally go to someone named “Dog” for advice.  You’re going to get a long-winded response with a lot of “hey brah’s” in it - or you’re headed to a bonfire on Huntington Beach.  Either way, it’s a big no.

I came out of a long-term relationship a couple of months ago and I’m having a rough time getting over her. She wanted to move on, I wanted much more!

I can’t bring myself to enjoy things we used to do together: fondues, Seinfeld reruns, certain music and things like that. It just makes me sad as it brings back memories.

How do I get over my ex-girlfriend? I feel more and more stuck and pathetic!

Help!

Easy peasy, my friend.  There’s this cool website called Craigslist.  And, on Craigslist, there’s a section called Erotic Services.  Just go on there, find a chick for a decent rate in your neighborhood, and PAY her to have a fondue Seinfeld fun-filled evening.  She can’t say no - `cause she’s a whore!  Who knows? You might get a little “Yada, yada, yada” of your own!  Or anal for an extra $200.  Jenny (or whatever her name was) who?  I thought so.

DEAR ABBY: I have been in a long-distance relationship with my girlfriend, “Elli,” for two years. We haven’t seen each other for almost six months, and now she has decided she wants time apart.

(From “Dear Abby on Yahoo! News“, September 8th, 2008)

Are you a fucking idiot?  She’s totally banging some other dude (or possibly a chick, these days).  If she wants “time apart” when you haven’t seen her face in 6 months, all of your man alarms and whistles should be going off as loud as air raid sirens.

If one of your friends who you haven’t seen in 6 months calls you up and said “Dude, I think we need some space..” - you’d pretty much think “This guy doesn’t want to hang out with me”.

Wake up, assclown.   She’s gettin’ it on with some guy who says he’s from Sweden but only seems to have a Swedish accent when he’s drunk and walks around the night club selling cigarettes for Camel as the only trade he plies, with his 1985 big hair and lame ass t-shirt with skulls on it.

Fuck that noise.

Stay tuned for another edition of “Dear Mr. Proc” soon!

**

Well, I’ve finally figured out why I got a phone call from Mickey Rourke’s agent about 4 or 5 years.  I was hoping it was because Mickey was making another “9 1/2 Weeks” movie and needed some sexual pointers - but - nope - his agent called me to talk pro-wrestling (as I was a promoter at the time).

I guess Mickey was trying to research a role - cause - lo and behold - look what was in the LA Times the other day:

In Toronto, Fox Searchlight pins ‘The Wrestler’

The
specialty division pays a reputed $4 million to $5 million to
distribute the film in which Mickey Rourke plays a broken-down fighter.

By PATRICK GOLDSTEIN

September 9, 2008

TORONTO — INDEPENDENT film may be grappling with an inability to
perform at the box office, but that didn’t stop “The Wrestler” from
inspiring an all-night bidding war after it screened at the Toronto
International Film Festival on Sunday night.

Fox Searchlight ended up buying the U.S distribution rights to the
Darren Aronofsky film, which had already won the prestigious Golden
Lion prize at last week’s Venice Film Festival. The movie, which
features a riveting performance from Mickey Rourke as an over-the-hill
wrestler, was considered the hottest potential buy at the festival.
Searchlight chief Peter Rice was not available for comment, but rival
bidders say the sale was completed in the wee hours Monday morning,
with the film going for a purchase price in the $4-million to
$5-million range.

Sony Pictures and Lionsgate were also leading bidders, but
Searchlight, which has emerged in recent years as the specialty world’s
leading marketing and distribution entity, came away with the prize. It
is expected that Searchlight will release the film later this year, at
least in L.A. and New York for an Academy Award qualifying run. The
sale gives Searchlight two of the top attractions here: The company
recently took over U.S. marketing and distribution for Danny Boyle’s
“Slumdog Millionaire,” the surprise hit of the recent Telluride Film
Festival, which Searchlight will release Nov. 28. The studio shares the
film with Warner Bros., which didn’t have enough space on its schedule
or passion for the project. In “The Wrestler,” Rourke is an
over-the-hill fighter whose best days are way behind him. With his
shoulder-length, dirty-blond curls, a fake tan and a scarred body
bulked up on cheap steroids, he looks less like Gorgeous George than
the dissolute leader of an ’80s hair band gone to seed. The movie is
loaded with cheesy ’80s rock (think Ratt, Poison or Mötley Crüe), which
blares out of Rourke’s dinged-up van and the strip club where his
friend Cassidy (Marisa Tomei) works as a pole dancer.

Sounds like a decent flick.  Might check it out. The only movie I’ve ever seen which was even realistic about the wrestling biz was the documentary, “Beyond The Mat” - which I still recommend you pick up and rent today, even though a lot of the stuff going on in the business at the time isn’t going on anymore.  That film accurately displayed wrestling at the height of its 2nd Golden Age and showed just how hard it is to stay around that business.

No wonder some of us get into politics after our tenure in those smoky arenas on the independent wrestling scene.  Politics is a piece of cake compared to it.

**

Some people in my party are all pissed at Ownedbama after his little “lipstick on a pig” quip.

Calm down, Grand Old Proctormaniacs.  I think this is what Barack meant to say:

“You can’t put lipstick on a pig. But if I’m elected - the Democrats will be in charge, so, we’ll make sure you can marry one.”

(Turns out my boy McCain made a similar comment about Hillary.  Oh well, I’m running for CITY COUNCIL!)

UDPATE:  The fish wrap comment.  Well, let’s put it this way, all you peeps who get pissed at me calling Madison a “douchebag” - really shouldn’t any more. 

Hey - the uglier this election gets, the more it benefits a guy like me

**

Speaking of November’s election, you should really consider voting for Brian Fuller - who is running against Fat Tony in the 44th Assembly District.

Brian’s a local guy, he’s the kind of dude that you can feel comfortable talking to.  He comes off as really honest and really does want to fight for reform in this area - especially when it comes to gerrymandering, which creates gridlock and doesn’t end up benefitting anyone - Republican or Democrat.  He’s got The Proc’s vote, that’s for sure.

Check out his amazing results on the “Political Courage Test“!

**

If I was still drinking, I’d be drunk after Dormitas’ City Council review.  Thanks, City Council Drinking Game.  Patting the ass of West Pasadena?  Take seventeen shots.

Looks like our fearful leaders are at it again - throwing caution (and our money) into the wind and spending our money so people in Linda Vista can continue enjoying the Pasadena Way.

Guess we know where everyone’s priorities are.  Even my future opponent, Victor Gordo, thinks that the people in Linda Vista are gonna let us District Fivers come and play over there.  Bullshit, I say.  You know who Gordo reminds me of?

Bebop from the Ninja Turtles.  Seriously. The not-so bright fucking henchman.  Maserati Madison is Shredder.  The people of District 6 are Krang.

**

Be seeing you,

- AP

If you weren’t engaged or energized by Mac’s speech last night, then you probably hate America - so get the fuck out.

Now, now - I know it isn’t common to use “engage” or “energize” when reviewing a McCain speech but some of the stuff he said last night really struck a chord with The Proc.

You’ve got to fight for what you believe in - even if it’s not “popular”, even if the City you live in is brainwashed by all this Messianic Obama crap.  You’ve got to do your part and do things, sometimes, that are for the greater good - not just your personal self.  Country first…and it’s about time there’s someone who isn’t ashamed to love America - through all of its comforts and follies.

To be frank - I first supported McCain just because he was the presumptive nominee.  Now I fully support him because I think he’s the best person to lead our country - not some Hollywood-esque “blessed savior”.

I enjoyed McCain’s speech last night with 100+ others at the Pasadena Republican Club HQ down on Green Street.  All kinds of cool people were there, too - like my buddy Brian Fuller, candidate for Assembly (Vote Brian for a Fuller Tomorrow!)….hot Republican chick Jill….Ed Barnum…Gene Masuda…that guy Bo who managed his campaign…even Teddy Choi.

A good time was had by all and a sense of unity and GOP pride was, well, Most Electrifying (like yours truly).   I also got to meet some new faces and it was nice not to feel so fucking alone as a Republican here in the Crown City.

Why not come out and chill out with us Elephants on September 26th - hey that’s the day before the blogger picnic (if you didn’t get an invite, let me know!) - and watch McCain lay the smacketh down, verbally, on Ownedbama?  You’ll be happy to know there’s a lot of people who make some sense `round these parts.
**

Foothill Cities points out that there’s an online survey available about the Pasadena ARTS bus system.

I remember back in, oh, December 2006, Bogey wanted to sit down with me and discuss expanding the ARTS bus system.  Still waiting for that meeting.  Then again, with a City even afraid to link to this website, I doubt the meeting will happen.

You know how you fix the ARTS bus system?  EXPAND THE FUCKING HOURS, dim wits.  Seriously.  You know how many people working late into the night would love to take a bus home instead of walking at 3 in the morning?  You know how many drunks in Old Town would take full advantage of the 50 cent ride compared to the sometimes $13-$14 cab ride across town?

When I ran for Mayor, I was the only candidate up there for ANY Council seat who didn’t own a car or didn’t drive.  I take the MTA and Foothill Transit and ARTS bus EVERY DAY in some form or another.  How the fuck are we supposed to listen to people who drive Maseratis and don’t even take the bus to Council meetings??!

So, yeah, expand the schedule - and then (and I know this is more difficult, thanks to Paul Little droppin’ some knowledge on me back in the day) try and add more routes.

It’s that simple.  Make sure those bus drivers aren’t lazy and are on time, as well.
Maybe it would be worth 50 cents to ride…

**

If you have a child between the ages of 7 and 25, chances are, they’re usin’ some jive turkey lingo that you just don’t understand.  That’s why (especially if your kid goes to John Muir High) you should run, don’t walk, down to Lula Mae (who just celebrated 5 years in Pasadena!) and pick up these Slang Flashcards - unofficial sponsor of my Slang Word Of The Week.

This week’s word?  Step off.

step off or step vb [ME, fr. OE staepe; akin to OHG stapfo step, stampfon to stamp] 1 : to back off, to retreat from a situation in order to avoid confrontation “STEP OFF BEFORE YOU ANNOY ME” 2 : to challenge someone, to fight “DO YOU WANT TO STEP TO MY COUNCIL SEAT?”

Claire Bogaard said to Bill, “All those janky ho’s I see in pics with you betta step off.”

Who wants to motha fuckin’ step to the Limo Libz, y’all?

**

Unless I read wrong, which isn’t possible since The Proc is never wrong, I haven’t heard a peep from City Council about banning smoking on this Monday’s agenda.  I wonder when that’s coming back.  I thought it was a “super important health issue” - but I guess their vacations in Rio with our tax dollars matter more.  I’ll try to have a full breakdown of this infrigement upon people’s personal freedoms sometime next week.

Be seeing you,

- AP

Former PSN Reporter & Permanent Pimp, Todd Ruiz

That’s what Pasadena PIO Ann Erdman was doing the other day.  All I gotta say is lock up your wives and girlfriends - this guy even gives The Proc a run for his money in the looks department.

Plus, we seem to be the only two dudes with attitudes in the `Dena able to pull off wearing this shade:

I’ll pause, ladies, so you can change your underwear.

**

Pick up a PW today for another great edition of “5 Questions“.  This time it’s with this dude name Josh, who owns Luigi Ortega’s - or as the picture above says “LO’s Cafe Beer Wine”.  What an odd name!

**

As you all know, I’m running against El Pollo Gordo for his District 5 seat.  Here’s the first non-video ad I’ve developed - to show Gordo that I’m not out of touch:

No Union Members were harmed in the making of that ad - but they sure got crunk.

**

Palin 1, Obama 0

Everyone’s favorite VPILF totally owned Barack Obama..or should I say OWNEDbama last night!  Can’t wait until the Liberal media spins her as a racist - after all, you’re not allowed to criticize a black man running for President (much like you can’t touch a black man’s radio…)

Some of Ms. Hotness’ best lines of the night?

“And since our opponents in this presidential election seem to
look down on that experience, let me explain to them what the job
involves. I guess a small-town mayor is sort of like a ‘community
organizer,’ except that you have actual responsibilities.” 

BURN!  Yeah, Obama, while you were just walking around pretending to me a “community organizer” (kinda like how Portantino is in the Kiwannis club and doesn’t show up for meetings) - Palin was actually doin’ shit.  I mean, local Obama supporters - like Maserati Madison (who I thought was on Team Hillary?) and Victor Gordo totally know about sitting around, not doing anything!

And the other delicious line from the delicious one herself had to be:

“Here’s how I look at the choice Americans face in this election. In politics, there are some candidates who use change to promote their careers. And then there are those, like John McCain, who use their careers to promote
change.”

Nice.  Can’t deny that it was a fantastic speech!  And you also can’t deny something else….

For all the sucking up that you get from the media as the new Messiah, I’m sure this won’t bother you too much - but Barack Obama - you get this week’s Ham And Egger Award.  Go do some fucking “community outreach” with it, or something.

**

Join in Gerrymanderingmania over at Foothill Cities!

Be seeing you,

- AP

The Proc is The Most Electrifying Man In Pasadena - and he also has the Most Electrifying Column In The Pasadena Weekly.  Pick up a copy of the PW this week (since they don’t put my column on their website!) and check out “5 Questions” with Jeannette Bouvard, media guru of the Pasadena Museum of History.

**

Is it me or does Virginia Hoge just get crazier and crazier with every new post she has on her blog?  This chick is fucking insane.

Check out this post she has about former Councilmember and CEO of the Chamber of Commerce, my buddy Paul Little.

Why is Paul Little the president of the Chamber of Commerce?  Is it some conspiracy by the right-wing in Pasadena?  Fuck no.  Paul works hard and likes to be involved with the community in some way or another.  He kicks ass and takes names while you, Virginia, what the fuck do you do!?   No - seriously - how do you contribute to society!?  Besides the $11,000 you get from PUSD to trash my blog?

And look at her blaming Rene Amy for her stealing a photo from the New York Times!  Yeah, I’m sure Rene Amy had everything to do with this.  If you read Virginia’s blog and believe what she says, apparently Rene and I rule the world.  We all know it’s just me and Rene Amy doesn’t have anything to do with running shit around here
**

I haven’t talked about Victor “El Pollo” Gordo in a while.  I know Council has been on summer vacation and he’s probably spending those long summer nights wondering which other Pasadena restaurants have drive-thrus.

Well, that’s all about to change in a few days.

I’m moving into District 5.  So, in other words, Victor, Ahora soy su problema.  I’m your problem now, buddy.  I’m gonna miss my sexy Councilman - whom I am still challenging to a game of Horse any time, any place.

So, my new Councilman is Steve Madison’s best friend.  Yawn.

I’d like to present my new Councilman with a special award…you all know what’s coming:

The first ever Jambon Y Heuvos version of the Ham And Egger Award - just for you, Victor!  In bizarro world, this award would be presented to “Loser Flaco” - but we’re not in bizarro world, we’re in Pasadena, where your Council district just became the coolest one fucking ever - `cause I live there.

The funniest thing is that Victor is up for re-election later this year.  Maybe he’ll not just cruise right back into another term:  maybe he’ll deal with The Proc as his opponent!  And now my goal of trying to bang Vannia De La Cuba (pretty sure she’s the hot chick on the right whose eyes are screaming ‘I want a piece of The Proc’) is closer to being reached.

Proctor for City Council.  No Cerveza, No Trabajo.
**

Be seeing you,

- AP

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