The Adventures of Aaron Proctor

The Proc and Kelli went to a really cool spot in West Pasadena to check out this year’s Rose Bowl fireworks. (Video link)
It was a cool spot on top of Sequoia Drive over in the San Rafael part of West Pasadena. It wasn’t as crowded as, say, the Colorado Street Bridge - but it was pretty fun and interesting. We could also see Lacey Park’s fireworks as well as some from the racetrack and some from what I believe was South Pas.

West Pasadenans are so funny. Someone was setting off illegal fireworks (video link) and the neighbors were worried (I don’t blame them, I hate when people set off illegal fireworks - luckily Steve Haderlein didn’t let that shit last long in my neighborhood this year) - but it was so funny to be around so many West Pasadenans. They all had dogs, they all had 2.3 kids - with name like Audrey and Schuyler and Hunter, they all were driving hybrids. After the fireworks were over, I shouted “Yay! America!” and nobody said anything. Then there were these annoying stoner/frat boy types who put up lawn chairs and then left after like..5 minutes of watching the fireworks.

But it’s the 4th of July - and I was happy to be with my Kelli and enjoy a romantic moment and happy to watch the largest fireworks display in Southern California. So, you should definitely check out this spot next year.

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I’m getting $5. I had a bet with a friend that I wouldn’t stay on Ann Erdman’s blog roll more than 2 weeks...I checked this morninig and I wasn’t there. I guess it’s the foul language I keep using. Sorry about that, Ann. Fuck. Shit. Cocksucker. God Damn. Jesus Christ. Tits.

Have a great weekend,

Be seeing you,

- AP

The Star-Spangled Banner

O! say can you see by the dawn’s early light
What so proudly we hailed at the twilight’s last gleaming.
Whose broad stripes and bright stars through the perilous fight,
O’er the ramparts we watched were so gallantly streaming.
And the rockets’ red glare, the bombs bursting in air,
Gave proof through the night that our flag was still there.
Oh, say does that star-spangled banner yet wave
O’er the land of the free and the home of the brave?On the shore, dimly seen through the mists of the deep,
Where the foe’s haughty host in dread silence reposes,
What is that which the breeze, o’er the towering steep,
As it fitfully blows, half conceals, half discloses?
Now it catches the gleam of the morning’s first beam,
In full glory reflected now shines in the stream:
‘Tis the star-spangled banner! Oh long may it wave
O’er the land of the free and the home of the brave!And where is that band who so vauntingly swore
That the havoc of war and the battle’s confusion,
A home and a country should leave us no more!
Their blood has washed out their foul footsteps’ pollution.
No refuge could save the hireling and slave
From the terror of flight, or the gloom of the grave:
And the star-spangled banner in triumph doth wave
O’er the land of the free and the home of the brave!O! thus be it ever, when freemen shall stand
Between their loved home and the war’s desolation!
Blest with victory and peace, may the heav’n rescued land
Praise the Power that hath made and preserved us a nation.
Then conquer we must, when our cause it is just,
And this be our motto: ‘In God is our trust.’
And the star-spangled banner in triumph shall wave
O’er the land of the free and the home of the brave!

Happy 4th of July! America’s birthday! My favorite holiday - after all, I’m from where it all began. Let’s celebrate the greatest country in the world..a country that allows me (and others) the right to make an ass out of myself day in and day out. U-S-A! U-S-A! I’ll be celebrating with Kelli tonight - checking out the amazing Rose Bowl fireworks - the largest fireworks display in Southern California. It’s no Penn’s Landing, but it’s pretty damn close.

Now I was in a good, uber-patriotic mood this morning. Until I saw the cover of the LA City Beat - a paper published by Southland Publishing (also owner of the PW but NOT affiliated with this website and vice versa). I’m not posting the picture of the cover here because it’s absolutely disgusting, disgraceful, saddening, and extremely Anti-American.

I’ve been harboring contempt for City Beat for quite some time. Every week it’s more and more hipster America-bashing - particularly by someone who calls themslves “Commie Girl” and thinks that’s cool or something. It’s so fucking “cool” to hate on America these days - yet these people would be missing it quite quickly if they moved to Canada or the UK or wherever. I guess those tattooed and pierced dregs of society they’ve got over there are grasping at straws while trying to figure out how to make people care about them like people care about the LA Weekly (not that I care about that paper, either - actually I think most people read the LA Weekly to get $5 off of nightclub covers).

I’m sick and tired of people like her - she’s actually the FUCKING EDITOR OF THE NEWSPAPER. I’m sick and tired of people thinking that just because you love America, just because you’re happy to live in a country with its many positives (and many follies), you’re some beer-swilling redneck who watches NASCAR. I love America and I’m proud to live here and I’m not embarrassed or ashamed to admit that. I don’t think someone should be admitting they love the country they’re in. There’s NOTHING WRONG with being patriotic.

Even some hot people hate America…

This chick should be happy she lives in a country which allows her the freedom to criticize our country and to bash it day in and day out. Instead, she proudly calls herself the same title that a freedom-less country like China calls itself: a Commie. What a horrible thing to do on the 4th of July - the day that our country began its great journey to allow you to print such trite and insignificant crap each week. Thankfully, the Constitution also allows me to berate your horrible excuse for a column and opinion into the next century.

Rebecca Schoenkopf (sounds like a Nazi last name to me..) - you get a special July 4th Ham And Egger Award. It’s what our forefathers would have wanted. I’m ashamed to even be loosely connected to you through work. I wish I could give you a one-way ticket to China or Cuba, since you pride yourself on the whole Communist thing. I’m sure you’ll be staring at the fireworks from wherever you are, drinking a beer, and having a good time….trying to make us all think you’ll be staying indoors, hating the country which allows you the freedoms to write like the Anti-American that you are, smoking some marijuana while in your Che Guevara t-shirt, watching “Loose Change“, and blaring “music” from Rage Against The Machine. Get the fuck out of here with that bullshit.
I also e-mailed her and you can do the same at this link:

This week’s CityBeat cover is disgusting, saddening, and offends me as an
American.

Why is it so horrible to love America any more?

- Aaron Proctor
Pasadena, CA
http://www.proctorformayor.com

By the way - if you were looking to increase readership with a half-assed-Photoshopped cover used for “shock value”, it was a pretty counterproductive effort. All you did was further the hipster America-hating - the embarrassing portrait of what everyone else thinks all Californians think and act like. You may have gained a few readers of that worthless and rebellious ilk - but you certainly lost one here (not that I ever really read your paper, more like glance through it and laugh because it’s probably put together by hipster white people who have dreadlocks and don’t shower for 3 days straight. Obama in `08, right?). Hating on America might be all the Hollywood rage but - to me - when you verbally and visually spit on our Nation, you’re spitting on me. You’re no worse than the terrorists you’re defending.

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Well, some Communist bitch isn’t going to ruin my 4th of July. Here’s a brand new Top Ten List:

TOP TEN THINGS I LOVE ABOUT AMERICA

10. Disneyland

9. Conservative talk radio

8. Politics

7. The National Anthem
6. Burger King
5. The “George Washington Bridge” song
4. John Philip Sousa
3. Baseball
2. Professional wrestling
1. Freedom

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Pasadena PIO Ann Erdman recently posted a photo of Pasadena Star-News reporter and blogger, Dan Abendschein:

I swear - if you give this guy a cigar and put on his sunglasses and more of a tan - he’d be:

Armando Alejandro Estrada!

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I’ve always found this picture hilarious. It’s been floating around the Interwebs for years. It’s a picture of ABC 7’s Marc Brown talking about a rape suspect. Notice the sketch in the corner, though:

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I like to send drawings to Mayor Bogaard. I think it annoys him. It cracks me up, though. Here’s my latest:

Be seeing you and Happy 4th! Now go enjoy Dusty Rhodes vs. Steve Corino from the good days of ECW.

- AP

This final weekend in June just flew by didn’t it? This is my favorite time of the year - as we’re coming up on America’s birthday.  Phillies won, Phillies lost, John Cena didn’t win (ha ha!), I found out what Sid Tyler does on the weekend - oh and…

There was another blogger get together on Saturday. This time, Frazgo hit a home run/scored a touchdown/made a slam dunk/insert other sports analogy here - and got us into the air conditioned Mayan Room of the Aztec Hotel in Monrovia. Special thanks to Kathie Reece for being such an awesome hostess (She was on Huell Howser - I knew it!).

The Proc was used to slap-dash (but fun!) snarks in the park - but the Bloggers Picnic IV: With A Vengeance was definitely a treat. That dude Frazgo’s got a lot of pull in the All-American City. The hotel provided us with some snacks and people from all over the blogosphere came out to have some food, drink, and merriment. We had a really good turnout - I’d say there was a point where about 20 people were there. Even the 99 Cent Chef showed up! (The cupcakes he made using only ingredients found at the 99 Cent Store were delicious!) Bloggers from all around showed up…and we had some celebrity guests, too: Ann Erdman (Pasadena’s PIO) and Assembly candidate Brian Fuller joined in on the fun. (I had an awesome discussion with Brian about the film “Beyond The Mat“). I had sooooooo much fun that I forgot to get my picture with a lot of people!

It was a cool venue - especially the Mayan Room:

There was a stage where someone eventually got our group photo.

I guess this thing is called a sunroof? I don’t know much about architecture. It just looked really cool with the different paintings of Aztec gods.

Ann Erdman and I. She brought me back a gift from Finland - which I’ll show you later.

Fun, candid photo with Ed Padgett. Excellent photography by Susan Kitchens.

Ed & Susan ham it up in the Aztec Hotel’s lobby.

Susan & me. She took a lightbulb off of some Christmas lights and was quite happy about that.

It’s Kelli With An I (a/k/a Kells Bells)!

Kelly with a Y.

Она попробовала продать меня 52 миллиона хором доллара.

Having a tea party with Miss Havisham

Here’s what Ann Erdman got me from Finland. Yes, it’s reindeer jerky. Mmmm mmmm, Blitzen.  I’m going to go eat this in front of a vegan while singing Christmas carols.
So a million thanks to everyone who showed up (and please drop me a line if I left you out of this list - I may have accidentally did): Frazgo, Frazgo’s wife and his daughter, Pasadena Daily Photo, The Sky Is Big In Pasadena, Alex Zucco (FC Contributor), Miss Havisham, The 99 Cent Chef, WCGB, Ann Erdman, Monrovia City Watch, Susan Kitchens, Brian Fuller, the cool dude Adam who hangs out with Brian, Kelli, Irina, Ed Padgett, The Real Zajac… thank you all!
Afterward, The Real Zajac, Kelly with a Y, Kelli with an I, and I went to the First Cabin to chill out and drink more (that place is so fun and so cheap!) - sort of like an afterparty.

Don’t take WCGB’s picture while she’s getting gasoline.

A fun time was had by all.  I know there was a group photo taken but nobody has posted it yet - so I’ll get that to everyone tomorrow or whenever it’s up.  It’s nice to meet a lot of my ilk in real life and it’s also nice to notice that the attendance of these get togethers keeps getting bigger and bigger.  I had fun being the co-organizer of this and am setting up another shindig for Saturday, September 27th.  I figure we’ll get through the summer and have another one when the weather starts to get a little cooler.

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For the past 15 years there have been some funny prank phone calls targeting the airwaves of the entire AM dial in my hometown of Philadelphia.  These guys call themselves the Earl Ferrell Fan Club and they’re absolutely hilarious.

Earl Ferrell was a fullback in the NFL for the then-known-as Phoenix Cardinals (that name never made sense to me).  He had a dismal career and was haunted by demons of drug problems.  For some reason, he gained a following in the Philadelphia area.  I remember listening to talk shows on 610 WIP and stuff like that in the summer time and hearing these guys call in once in a while.

Well, apparently, they have a website now - with some of the latest calls - because the fan club is still going.  People all the way in Scotland are playing along and joining the revolution.  In fact, the advent of the Internet has made the Earl Ferrell phenomena spread like wildfire.  Places as far away as Texas have been “Ferrelled”.  Pasadena Weekly’s Andre Coleman and I even got a Ferrell caller once (I just played along..trying not to laugh).

These phone calls are great - you can listen to some of the latest calls (seemingly from the summer of 2007) at this link.  Let me just say that one of the tracks on there, where a caller discusses eminent domain and how they should make room for Highway 31, The Ferrell Freeway - had me literally in tears.  Anytime I meet a sports fan from Phoenix, I always ask if they know who Earl Ferrell is.  I hope this group actually tries to track down the real Ferrell someday!
Enjoy the man, the myth, the legend - Earl “The Squirrel, The Pearl, Gets All The Girls” Ferrell.

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Happy Monday, Goodbye June.
- AP

One of the best comedians ever, George Carlin, has passed away at the age of 71.

I actually discovered some of his material at a very young age. My dad had some of those K-Tel comedy records and one of them had Carlin on it, back when he wasn’t doing blue material. It was a sample of a skit from a longer record called “Wonderful Wino”, about a drunken radio DJ. The skit was absolutely hilarious - I mean, my brothers and I still quote it. “Here’s a protest song from Danny & The Dressmakers called…’Don’t Want No War!’……Don’t want no war….don’t want no war….don’t want no war…….don’t want no job neither!” When I was a kid, I never knew that Mr. Conductor on Shining Time Station would turn out to be such a hilarious, controversial, and thought-provoking comedian…maybe even more than a comedian: a real artist.
As I got older, I also began to enjoy Carlin’s appearances in films (particularly him in Kevin Smith’s Dogma and Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back - it’s the rule of the road!)

An extremely sad thing to wake up to read in the morning. Rest in peace, George - your comedy and entertainment and views you provided that definitely helped shape a young me and a others out there, I’m sure…..they will live on forever.

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After the brutal ass-whipping the Los Angeles Angels Of Anaheim Whose Team Name Makes No Sense gave to my beloved Phillies on Saturday, I decided to go on an adventure. Kelli was down in Irvine seeing the American Wake, my air conditioning was broke (and so was I) - so I called up the only other person able to handle the non-stop-rockstar-politician-Aaron Proctor party-express person I know: Miss Havisham.

We traveled o’er to the foreign lands of Monrovia to hang out at the free artist reception at Montecito Fine Arts College of Design that Frazgo posted about on Foothill Cities. We looked at some pretty cool art, heard a really neat band called Celebutante - whose unique, Gary Numan-influenced sound brought me back to the Aaron Proctor Classic days (and included an ex-member of Berlin), and drank tons of free (yeah, you heard me) alcohol. There was a lovely piece of art I’d want for my living room - too bad I didn’t have $1,000. We also got to pet a Collie.

After that shindig closed down shop, we headed over to a place I’ve always wanted to go - a dive bar in Arcadia known as The First Cabin. Any bar which blatantly advertises its opening of 6 a.m. daily is fine by me. We lurked in and found the place was PACKED - like quadruple the amount of people the 1881 here in the Crown City would get for Saturday night karaoke. PLUS - you can SMOKE in there. And the drinks were pretty cheap and pretty damn stiff as well. Which was a blessing, since Miss H and I are both keen on pulling a Sid Tyler on alcohol.

Havisham and I snarked about the bar, talking local blogging and politics, bringing up this Saturday’s blogger get together and generally reminded people that Miss Havisham and The Proc were in the hizouse, so you’d all best know your roles. Seriously, this bar rocks. It’s a true dive at its core and a rockin’ in-house band plays called Pat O’Brien & The Priests of Love - who do covers as well as their own original music. Chris Holden walked in and said “shiiiiiit” and walked out.

Ain’t nothin’ like a Miss Havisham Tea Party.

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Being a local dignitary means that occasionally you have to give back to the community some way, somehow. I give back by sharing my vast combination of book smarts and street smarts..ya know, for the children. Maybe I’m not helping conserve water or anything but I try to do this in the form of Public Service Announcements. Here are three more that I taped this weekend. Enjoy:

Cell Phones

Steve Madison

Crocs

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I’ll keep this short today and leave you with one of my favorite Carlin routines, one about children: Click here.

- AP

Forgot to mention that PW editor Kevin Uhrich has some very touching words about me in his editorial this week:

…Then, after adding a little graphic polish to each of those areas — including our opinion section featuring former Weekly Publisher Jim Laris, humorist Ellen Snortland, longtime activist and former Weekly owner Marvin Schachter, deep political thinker Hannah Naiditch, political pundit Earl Ofari Hutchinson and a host of community columnists — we folded in some new features, one of them Five Questions with Aaron Proctor.

Proctor has made a name for himself among Pasadena insiders with his quirky and often hilarious blog on City Hall politics, which is a must-read for anyone following what’s really going on in this town….

They did forget to mention how The Proc is a role model, everyone’s favorite blogger, and The Most Electrifying Man In Pasadena, but I’ll let it slide (this time). Thanks, Kevin.

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I received a very interesting e-mail from Todd Ruiz (you know, the dude who was before the dude before Dirk Alfenschoen) about those Pasadena Water & Power ads you might be seeing around town (the ones with characters like “Lawn Soaker Lana” and “Long Shower Larry”):

Aaron:

I recently came across these unused posters from Pasadena Water &
Power’s water conservation campaign. I thought they might be of
interest to the fans of your Interweb-site.

Best regards,

K-Todd

Here are the pictures that were attached in the e-mail. Suffice to say, they’re hilarious:

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Awesome.

See you on Monday,
- AP

Well, if you haven’t read or heard by now - there’s some big news in The Proc’s City. I now have a weekly column (of sorts) in the brand new, redesigned Pasadena Weekly called “5 Questions“. It’s basically a shorter, nicer, more appropriate version of the Aaron Proctor Interview Series - in fact, you could call it “The Aaron Proctor Interview Series Evolved”. It’s right next to the table of contents.

Kelli & I At Castle Green This Past Thursday For The PW Relaunch Party - More Pics Soon! (Photo by Michael Nagami)

In my first column, I talk to the man, the myth, the legend, the guy who whipped my ass in the 2007 election: Mayor Bill Bogaard. As of writing, it’s not up on the website yet but pick up a Pasadena Weekly wherever you can and check it out! Next week’s guest will be even more interesting, I promise.

WCGB has also given me some blather love - as she tries to figure out what I’m all about at this link.

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Yesterday, I talked about how rapper The Game visited John Muir High School to “mentor the troubled youth” as well as put the High back in High School.

Well, Frank Girardot has an excellent column in the PSN (Yeah, you heard me - an actual excellent column in the PSN) and on his blog. Frank, now known on the streets as “The Scene“, has made some comments that are simply priceless (plus he gets bonus points for making a reference in the title to the other guy known as The Game…)

I hoped to ask Pasadena school Superintendent Edwin Diaz if “The Game” held similarly lofty goals for the children and teens of Pasadena.

I wanted to ask, “Why ‘The Game?’

“Why not City Councilwoman Jacque Robinson? Why not potential First Lady Michelle Obama? Why not Powell? Why not U.S. Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas? Why not former Deputy District Attorney Chris Darden? Why not former Pasadena police Lt. Rick Law?

“Why not one of the thousands of successful black men and women who live or work in Pasadena every day?”

Unfortunately I didn’t get a call back. It was graduation day for about 60 percent of the kids who started there as freshmen four years ago.

The other 40 percent?

Probably off somewhere listening to “The Game.”

The Game. Rapper. Gangsta. Role Model For Your Kids.

This is why I think Girardot rocks. Seriously….what the fuck was PUSD thinking on this one? Edwin Diaz might not return phone calls to “The Scene” - but he does return phone calls to The Proc. I’ve obtained a shortlist of people Edwin has lined up to speak to John Muir High School students in the future. Let’s just say that future isn’t so bright…:

TOP TEN FUTURE SPEAKERS AT JOHN MUIR HIGH SCHOOL

10. OJ Simpson

9. Fucky, The Jaywalking Dinosaur

8. Chris Holden (Just supposed to say “shiiiiit” and then leave)

7. Tonya Harding

6. Some chick Aaron Proctor banged

5. Billy The Crackhead

4. Virginia Hoge

3. Chris Benoit

2. The Dyanmic Duo of Joe Piasecki & Carl Kozlowski

1. John Whitaker

Like Frank said, there’s a zillion other people they could have obtained to speak to kids - people who lead better lives and who have made something from strife and struggle. This is some lame attempt to “connect” with the youth and show us that PUSD and the people in charge of it aren’t out of touch with the times. Nice try. While the kids went home and told all their friends on the MySpace and the Facebook how The Game came to their school - I’m sure none went home with any kind of message or lesson learned. Is that how you reinvent the Mighty Mustangs?

I’ve never done this before…but this calls for very bitter pill. And, no, I’m not calling Joe Hopkins. He hasn’t listened to rap music since 1992.

Edwin Diaz, you’re the 2nd Ham And Egger of the week. I think I’ll actually write “You’re a fucking dumb ass” on the award, too. Or maybe I’ll quote some lyrics from your aforementioned favorite musician:

We runnin’ through summers
in dual hummers
and tell them my crew coming for war

Edwin - what I’m trying to say is that you’ve just got some ham & eggs all up in your grill, son. And if all you wanted was to get someone to tell the kids to ’stay alive’, you could have got the member of the Bee Gees who is still alive for a much cheaper price.

Dormitas and Del Apres-Ski (who is finally blogging!) also chime in on this thing, including Del’s note that The Scene and some dude got into it a little bit about this whole ordeal.

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What’s a week without some All-American Sid Tyler Facts? Here we go….

• Sid Tyler’s favorite cereal is Kellogg’s Nails `N Gravel
• The brand new Dirty Harry DVD boxset is known in some circles as “The Sid Tyler Story”
• Sid Tyler is the last digit of Pi.
• Sid Tyler plays racquetball with a waffle iron and a bowling ball.
• Sid Tyler called me yesterday and said “Between you, me, and my fists, Virginia Hoge is a cunt.”
• Someone once gave Sid Tyler a pencil with an eraser. It’s not nice (or smart) to insult the man like that.
• The Internet was the only place one could hide from Sid….. until he got America Online.
• Sid Tyler is actually all of the “100 people surveyed” on Family Feud.
• Sid Tyler once bought Chuck Norris a beer. Hey, he can be a nice guy once in a while.
• Aliens do exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Sid Tyler is on.

Be seeing you…and remember:

- AP

Happy Wednesday!

If you’re feeling down and blue about the Lakers getting sexually assaulted last night 131-92 in the NBA Finals, don’t feel bad. Sit a spell and take some advice from a Philadelphia sports fan:

So, the Lakers haven’t won a championship in like…6 years…so what? Try not winning a championship in 25 years….in 28 years….or never. Think about how lucky you are to live in Los Angeles - beautiful weather, beautiful women all around, the beaches and the mountains in driving distance, swimming pools, movie stars - you catch my drift?

The Lakers didn’t win the championship. Boo hoo. At least being in Los Angeles, you have something to look forward to. We didn’t have that privilege in Philly. All we really had to look forward to was another season of the Phillies or the Eagles or the Sixers or the Flyers in last place or choking when they needed to be clutch.

Maybe if you Lakers fans supported your team when they were down in the dumps and not just in first place, maybe if you Lakers fans would fly those flags on your cars year round, I’d consider you passionate sports fans. Until then, most of you just further that typical L.A. “fake” stereotype. I say - be proud of what you did. Only 2 teams could reach the Finals this year and you were one of them.

For a city that gets on pretty well without a major NFL franchise, for a city that gets on pretty well for having 2 NBA franchises and pretending like it only has one - for a city that honestly has some of the most fair-weather, lackluster, apathetic, worst sports fans who leave games in the 7th inning in the entire country - I say hold you head high. Or, you can just put those Lakers flags away until they get past the first round of the playoffs next time.

(By the way, we Philadelphians have disowned Kobe Bryant like the Canadians disowned Alex Trebek)

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The Ten People Ruining Pasadena list continues today with #4. Before that - let’s go through a run down of numbers 10 through 5, shall we?

#10 goes to the insane asylum with Virginia Hoge.

#9 drops it like it’s hot with Joe Hopkins.

#8 - Annoying Homeless People!

Larry Wilson lulls us to sleep at #7.

Put on your wool cap and American Apparel ‘Legalize LA’ t-shirt for #6: Hipsters.

Peter Dreier blames us all for #5.

*Drumroll* And now…#4:

Graffiti “artists”! (Picture courtesy of WCGB)

Yeah, everyone here pretty much knows how I feel about graffiti. It’s stupid, it’s not an art form - in fact, it’s pure vandalism. 99.9% of the time, the graffiti doesn’t make any god damned sense. I mean, look at the picture above. What the fuck is that? Maybe it’s some algebra homework from John Muir High School or someone was trying to calculate the strength of the Yen vs. the dollar?

Meh. This is called a “tag” and they’re purpotrated by “taggers“. It’s supposed to be “cool” and “hip” - but all it does is make people not want to build new things in neighborhoods where this is rampant, leaving people somehow confused as to why a business doesn’t want to come there. This kind of art is even celebrated in books by hipster white people who don’t live in the neighborhoods where tags are usually found (chalk that up for another on the list of ‘Stuff White People Like’).

Here in the Crown City, we have a hotline set up to report graffiti. It seems to work ok - but I wonder how we prevent this kind of stuff from happening? You can’t just put all graffiti artists in one group - I mean, they’re all stupid - but some of them are just stupid kids who don’t feel like going to the 99 cent store to get some markers and art supplies. Others are just gang members marking they’re territory like they’re a male cat - except male cats usually piss better patterns.

One thing’s for sure - I see this crap throughout Pasadena. Even in my hallowed District 4, I’ve been seeing newer graffiti everyday - now that it’s summertime and these kids don’t have anything else better to do.

Some cities try to set up graffiti walls and tell people that it’s ok to do that kind of shit in that particular area. Think about that Einstein knowledge for a second. Let’s set up a wall where people can do something illegal and it can be celebrated by all. I haven’t seen any statistics but I doubt these kind of walls really cut down on tagging. That would be like setting up an area of the city where it’s ok to break into cars or to beat people up…I mean, cities are setting these kinds of things up but they’re not setting up red light districts?

I think cities, ours in particular, should grow some balls and get more aggressive with graffiti. Get me on TV to do some PSAs (I’m really good at them) - and let me just proclaim my new slogan: “Taggers are faggers“. Doesn’t make too much sense, but after an e-mail I received from a tagger, neither do they:

Yo’ your a faget biatch, badmouthing graff and shit, i hope someone lays the verbal smack down in your verbal oraphice bitch, seriously, your so cool bud, most electrifyingly gay man i’ve ever heard of. Go die please

Stay tuned for #3 on my list of the Ten People Ruining Pasadena. Coming soon.

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Why do moms get mad when I’m walking down the street in Old Town and I give lude and/or lascivious looks to their jail-bait daughter who happens to be wearing short short short short shorts with her tramp stamp above her ass hanging out? You’re the one who let them leave the house dressed that way. Hey, somebody’s gotta enjoy the view before she’s completely used up by the time she’s 20.

This actually goes for any hot woman - if you don’t want me leering at your cleavage or your hot ass, don’t wear stuff that shows off your cleavage or your hot ass. It’s pretty simple. You’re asking for it more than a contestant on Jeopardy.

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Wow. Look at the hard-working guys at the Tribune (ya know, the people who are in bed with the Pasadena Star-News). I guess it’s easy to tell why the paper has come down so much….they’re too busy watching the end of the US Open:

Amazing. Just amazing. Look at all those reporters dawdling. I wonder if one of them is the brand new rookie Pasadena politics reporter Dave Aftershock? Probably not - I don’t know what he looks like but I hear he used to write for the LA City Beat, which means he has 70 face piercings and 52 tattoos. (Edit: I now hear he’s a clean-cut All-American guy)

This kinda nonsense is just uncalled for. It is, however, quite award winning:

Congrats, SGVT. You guys all get the Ham And Egger Award this week. Maybe you can all stand around it instead of doing actual work.

**

I didn’t know this day would be coming so soon. Our fair City Clerk, Jane Rodriguez is leaving City Hall. Her last day is July 25th. This kind of sucks. Who is going to sound extremely enthused when taking roll at City Council meetings? Who is going to remind me of Casey Novak on Law & Order SVU? Who, just who, is going to put up with my occasional visits to City Hall?

Good luck in your future whatever-it-is-you’ll-be-doing, Jane. She’s been over at City Hall for like 35 years (not a joke).

Jane also sent me in the right direction to some really cool info:

The Pasadena 2009 Elections Are Coming! YES!!! Local election fever will be arriving quite soon in Pasadena! Election 2009 coverage officially begins today here on The Proc’s show. Or - as they’re calling it in District 5:

There are races upcoming in other places, too. Not just District 5 - but District 3 and District 7 will be up for grabs, although I doubt anyone is going to try and run against Holden and Tyler (especially the latter, considering he literally eats his opponents for breakfast). Word on the street is there are one or two serious people who’d like to challenge Gordo’s seat - so, at this time and juncture, I’m going to be really focused on that contest.

We’ve also got Mike Babcock, Scott Phelps, Steve Lizardo, and Ed Honowitz’ PUSD Board of Education seats up for grabs.

The election is on March 10, 2009 with the run-off election scheduled for April 21.

Click on this link to find out more information if you’re interested in running or just interested in what’s going down.

Be seeing you,

- AP

Letters…we get letters…we get stacks and stacks of letters……

Feedback is always appreciated from the fans and readers of this blog. Once in a while, though, The Proc gets something so totally hilarious - I just have to post it. Take for instance, this fellow, who e-mailed me under the name Donald Head from the e-mail address victory_music51@hotmail.com:

Yo’ your a faget biatch, badmouthing graff and shit, i hope someone lays the verbal smack down in your verbal oraphice bitch, seriously, your so cool bud, most electrifyingly gay man i’ve ever heard of. Go die please

IP: 75.155.19.244

It took me like 20 minutes to figure out what this gentleman was painting with his beautiful word picture. Then, I realized I had just bought my brand new PUSD English-To-English Translator, on sale from Steve Lizardo for just 3 installments of $19.95:

You are incorrigible with the condescending way you speak of graffiti. My fellow colleagues and I feel that it is an art form. I hope someone could debate with you the merits of the urban graffiti phenomenon.

Someone didn’t like me talking shit about graffiti. I think I’ve got something to cure that. Take two of these and call me in the morning:

I’m surprised the dude used e-mail instead of tagging a dumpster with his feelings. It’s one thing to come on The Proc’s show and insult the Most Electrifying Man In Pasadena - but - Jesus Christ - this is the most laughable “threatening e-mail” I’ve seen in a while. I’m sorry that I “badmouthed” graffiti. What I meant to say was: Only faggers are taggers.
**

According to “Mr. Thursday Morning” Andre Coleman in this week’s PW, obstetricians and gynecologists are big fans of Fat Tony. So, I guess that mean’s his next opponent, my buddy Brian Fuller, has no shot, right?

Wrong.

Star Wars Characters Love Brian Fuller!

**

As you all read, Steve Madison once again didn’t show up for a meeting on Monday. And as you may or may not read in the PW, it was kinda important for him to be there. The Ad Hoc Committee on Youth Violence or whatever it’s called this week was disbanded to be replaced with a three-member “Youth, Families, and Neighborhoods Committee”. I’m laughing at that name right now because it seems a little too inclusive. At least Young Jacque is finally chairing somethin’.

Why El Pollo Gordo didn’t want to serve on the new committee is one question - I’ll just assume he’s still getting heat from Madison for the whole absence thing and they aren’t buddies any more. Maybe Victor is trying to focus on his upcoming reelection campaign and how to not barely lose to a candidate who doesn’t speak English?

They’re looking for a third member and nobody’s really jumping all over each other to be the third member. Why not just make the entire committee Sid Tyler? He’s three times the man, any way. Or how about a tag team of Haderlein & Tyler? We could call them “Vicious & Delicious”?

I think I might know who the third man is.

People should listen to me more often. Photo by Frank Girardot.

Whatever the dealy-o is, I’m sure everyone really thinks this new committee is real important and is going to do a lot of work. Heh. Or maybe people just realize how vague this new committee’s name is? I mean, if it focuses on families, can one come to the committee for some help when they get grounded? Maybe the whole thing is just created for Madison to showcase some brand new garish ties?
We’ll find out what happens the next time some kid gets capped and the committee is “all over the issue”. Until then, posture away for 2009 and 2011, gentlemen.

Take a shot whenever a bullshit committee is formed.

**

I’m probably the last person to check in about this whole thing - but the story about 9th Circuit Judge Alex Kozinski here in Pasadena is hilarious. The trial he’s on is being suspended because he’s got his own website full of bestiality pics and other crazy shit that would make my old roommate blush.

Something this AP will tell you that the other AP won’t is that he’s actually working on a new porno film called “Activist Judges“. He’s in a three way donkey fellatio scene fucking Sandra Day O’Connor while a posthumous William Rehnquist watches.

I’m sure this judge will simply be given $5 million to leave town. Where’s McAustin and Haderlein during all of this?

**

June 11th was a record breaking day here at proctorformayor.com. The record for most hits and pageviews in a day was shattered - one that had been in place since June 25, 2007 - the day Chris Benoit decided to put a permanent Crippler Crossface on himself and his entire family. Thanks to everyone who came to the site and to everyone who reads the bullshit I put on here everyday.
**

Edwin Decker knows what the hell he’s talking about down at the San Diego City Beat. In his article, “The Good Bigot” he channels Avenue Q (Larry Wilson’s second favorite musical) and talks about how everyone’s just a little bit racist or prejudiced. Hell, even I’m a “patriotic love-it-or-leave-it” guy and I agree with what he’s talking about: isn’t everybody intolerant of something?

I mean, it would be nice if we could all stand in a circle, sing something from the 60’s, and join together - but that’s not the case. No way am I going to hold hands with some dude who looks like Jerry Only from the Misfits.

**

I bet you thought I forgot - but I always save the eggs for last. This week’s Ham And Egger Award takes a little bit of a different (but not too surprising) approach.

I’m a forward-thinker, I think ahead. Some people call that being an alarmist, I call it being a visionary. With that said, I’m giving out a pre-emptive award this week, of sorts.

Your lucky winner, who will probably receive this on his first or second day of the job - is brand new Pasadena political reporter for the Pasadena Star-News, Earl Abdenschieb.

Congrats, Earl!

McCain may have called his wife a “cunt” according to a new book. That just makes me want to vote for him all the more.

Be seeing you,

- AP

Time to stick it to those trying to take away our personal freedoms and our fun! The protest against Jack Scott’s proposed Mylar Ban of Evil is today at 3 p.m. at Memorial Park here in Pasadena. It’s being hosted by John & Ken from KFI AM. Yours truly shall most definitely be there! Here’s the info once again:

John and Ken’s Balloon Ban Protest opposing the Senate bill that would ban those happy foil balloons you find at birthday parties will be held next Wednesday, June 11 at Memorial Park in Pasadena. Broadcast starts at 3:00 p.m. Bring the kids!

The woman you just can’t stay mad at for more than a millisecond and Pasadena Minister Of Truth Public Information Officer, Ann Erdman, has a blog now. Still crossing my fingers that City Councilmembers set up their own blogs in the not too distant future.

Speaking of Council, Dormitas has another excellent blow-by-blow of Monday’s meeting. Included in Monday’s meeting was a hipster/trendy night club in Pasadena, Vive, being the subject of debate about a dance floor and noise levels. Of course, neighbors complained about booze sales “causing crime” and things like that. Great. Way to scare businesses away and way to make Old Town even less fun. I mean, I’m not really into going to places like Vive (read yesterday’s post) - but since when are we banning nightclubs? Nightclubs?! Is anyone allowed to have fun around here? Christ, sometimes Pasadena Council and some Pasadenans really need to grow a pair. If we keep this up, we’re going to have to change our city’s logo:

Or….as inspired by something I saw on the Interwebs the other day:

**

Guess who wasn’t at City Council on Monday night? Ya know, the meeting where they sorta disbanded the Youth Violence Committee? Why, it was Steve Madison! For some reason, he was at Council’s closed sessions..but not at the meeting.

I guess Steve had something (or someone) more important to do than to tend to the issues that he’s responsible for.

** POP QUIZ **
Where was Madison on Monday night?

a. Watching Vince McMahon’s Million Dollar Giveaway on WWE RAW
b. “Polishing The Maserati” (if you know what I mean)
c. Banging a stripper
d. In a three-way with his girlfriend and a stripper
e. Spending quality time with his son Julian, bonding and teaching him the ins and outs of life while playing catch in the backyard (as “That’s My Boy” plays in the background).
f. A through D.

B-R-L-F-Q spells “no show a City Council meeting.” If you guessed “f”, you’re right and you win a prize. I don’t know what yet, but I’ll figure out something. How about I won’t kick your ass? If you guessed anything but “e”, you’ve gotta learn a little bit more about Mr. Maserati. If you guessed “e”, you’re probably Madison himself.
Poor District 6. Out there in the wild. All alone with no Councilman to take care of them.

**

Well, this picture above isn’t happening, according to Emma Peel in the Pasadena Star-News:

PASADENA - The Ambassador West project, one of the largest and most prestigious in the city’s history, has been foreclosed on and the property is back on the market for the fourth time in a decade.

“We no longer own any of the property,” Howard Weinberg, a part-owner of Ambassador West, said Monday. “A foreclosure sale has occurred.”

In a double blow to a 10-year effort to develop the former Ambassador College campus, plans for the Sterling of Pasadena luxury senior-living complex on an adjoining site have been scrapped.

Anybody got a couple million they could spare? I’d love to turn that into a Graceland-esque estate for myself. Just to fuck with the people who live over there.

Seriously, it’s a nice piece of land and I always wonder what it’s going to become. For those who don’t know, that place used to be the headquarters for the Worldwide Church of God. I heard they kept all over their Flavor-Aid in one building alone. Oh, and Bobby Fischer had his own Anti-Semitic version of a chessboard there.

If you’ve ever been over to that campus, it looks like an excellent place to begin filming my Pasadena version of The Prisoner.

**

Photo by Frazgo

Madison’s no-show at City Council is awfully dull compared to all the shenanigans and tomfoolery in Monrovia. How about we trade, All-American City? You can have Steve Madison and I’ll get all the hot, sweaty, cop-on-minor gay sex scandals?

This stuff is great, I’d just appreciate it more if it were happening in the Dena. Robert Parry reports on The Foothill Cities Blog that there’s been a lawsuit against the City of Monrovia. They’re some pretty bold charges of sexual assault, sexual misconduct, even more sexual misconduct, and sexual healing. Basically, some cop allegedly was banging some minor and having their summer lovin’ in the backseat of his car. Inner Circle wasn’t kidding about “Bad Boys”!

I don’t know how true all of this is or how this is all going to pan out, but bravo Monrovia, bravo indeed for giving me something to talk about besides the location of my favorite Wendy’s.

This looks like a job for…

Yep.

**

Because it’s Fred Ortega’s last day at the PSN, The Proc has decided to interview another one of his Ham-and-eggin’ co-workers as part of the Aaron Proctor Interview Series. (I guess he didn’t like my song?) I sat down with Caroline An (well, I sat as close as she’d let me sit - so - e-mailed her under my alias, Ross Cutler). Caroline runs the sometimes-updated Hallway Monitor blog and is the education reporter for the PSN. Since she mainly covers PUSD, make that “schools reporter.” That’s her pictured above in Larry Wilson’s tiara. I’d tap that (her, not Larry Wilson’s tiara).

Don’t let that small frame you could fit nicely into a overhead compartment fool you, though - she’s one tough cookie.

Look out for a Frank Girardot cameo, too!

The Proc: You run the “Hallway Monitor” blog for the PSN. What do you think of the blogosphere?

Caroline An: I didn’t know you had a blog until my office-mates told me about it.

AP: Suuure. Does Fred Ortega copy off of your notes when Larry Wilson isn’t looking?

CA: He sits too far from me to copy my notes, but we pass notes to each other when Hector isn’t looking.

AP: Remember that commercial in the 80’s with the California Raisins rapping “Books! Check em out”. Did you know that’s really Sir Mix-a-lot rapping? He liked big books and he could not lie.

CA: Yes I do but that commercial scared me. I don’t like raisins and seeing shriveled up fruit talking freaked me out. Here’s my favorite lyric though…”You got a fantasy imagination can take you to where you want to be. Are you curious? How can you find out? Books check em out .

AP: Remember that book “Island Of The Blue Dolphins“? I read that in like 5th grade.

CA: 5th grade? What remedial school did you attend? I think I read that book in third grade.

AP: Marcus Hook Elementary, Marcus Hook, PA. (Proc’s note - Janet Szper is still the school nurse? She looked like Odo. I kid you not). If you don’t get a story in by its deadline, do you get detention or just a demerit?

CA: Deadline? What’s a deadline? I make my own deadlines!

AP: What’s in your Trapper Keeper?

CA: I was a Pee Chee girl. No Trapper Keepers for me!

AP: If somebody took the average IQ of students in PUSD, would the answer be somewhere below “mildly retarded”?

CA: Aren’t you mildly retarded?

AP: We should do a remake of “Billy Madison” but use Steve Madison instead.

CA: As an education reporter, I’m appalled at any film that glorifies a grown man who has not completed grade school. Shame on you for including this as a question.

AP: How come every time Zack Morris and one of his girlfriends “decided to be friends” on “Saved By The Bell“, you never saw that chick again in any future episode?

CA: Because he’s not worth staying friends with since Screech is his wingman!

AP: Since you report on schools, do you eat your lunch on a plastic tray with chocolate milk and crinkle-cut fries?

CA: No. Plastic trays are very bad for the environment, chocolate milk and crinkle-cut fries will make me fat. I have to watch my girlish figure.

AP: Pick a flap on this little flower-shaped thing I made out of college-ruled notebook paper.

CA: the top left, please

AP: Pick a color.

CA: *Pink*

AP: Pick a number.

CA: *9*

AP: You’re going to live in a mansion with 3 pools and have 4 Mercedes-Benzes.

CA: Promise? Cross your heart and swear to die? Stick a needle in your eye?

AP: Ever throw a paper airplane across the newsroom?

CA: Paper airplanes are SO 1992. I have thrown my stress ball at Fred Ortega when he stressed me out.

AP: How many John Muir students does it take to screw in a light bulb?

CA: Do you know how to screw in a light bulb? Or do you have to get Kelli to do that?

AP: Want to go to the prom with me?

CA: I already have a date. His name is Larry Wilson.

AP: You made fun of the fact the Ham And Egger award you all got was printed out in black and white. You’re not an art teacher, though.

CA: Well, you’re not one to judge our newspaper so if you’re not going to pay the extra 20 cents for color copies, please keep the 42 cents you wasted in mailing us that sorry excuse of an award. Besides, I heard from several sources that you can’t afford to buy a round of alcoholic beverages so start saving those pennies!

CA (cont’d): BTW – Frank Girardot wants me to pass this note along to you (Stop giggling Aaron, it’s not a love note.)

Frank Girardot: Stop telling people to go into my bottom desk drawer. Gentleman Jack is expensive.

AP: So, any way, Caroline - Which was bigger? Todd Ruiz’ rolodex of story sources or Todd Ruiz’ rolodex of women’s phone numbers?

CA: I’m going to assume they are the same size…but I haven’t seen Hot Toddy’s little black book of female numbers. His rolodex was actually an excel spreadsheet.

AP: Want a Now And Later? It’s strawberry.

CA: Naw..You got Dots or a Ring Pop? Or even Airheads?

AP: Remember when we would read a book in English class and then watch the movie but the movie was not even remotely close to the plot of the book and then you’d confuse the two and then get all your questions wrong on your test?

CA: Um..no. That never happened to me. I was a perfect student in school.

AP: Wouldn’t our public schools be a lot better if Steve Haderlein made the switch to teaching at them and he taught Home Ec wearing only an apron that says “Kiss The Vice Mayor”?

CA: No. He would probably get arrested for inappropriate behavior. Since this is your idea will you bail him out of jail?

AP: What the fuck is a gerund?

CA: What is with the language? You just landed yourself in detention. A gerund is a word that ends in -ing.

CA (cont’d): Example: Aaron I think you’ve been drinking too much. Come up with better questions next time.

AP: How many textbooks can Edwin Diaz walk around with on his head without having them fall to the ground?

CA: You know who can answer that question? Binti Harvey, the PUSD public information officer. I’m sure she will have the answer for you by the end of the day. Maybe you can record it and post the video on your blog. The video of you yelling “South Pasadena Sucks” out the window to unassuming strangers was just riveting. You must have a lot of free time.

**

Wow! What a total bitch! Nahh, I’m kidding: she’s funny and “gets it” (either that, or Fred helped her out with half of the survey). At least I’m pretty sure she wants a piece of the Most Electrifying Man In Pasadena..but she’s gotta get in line, and that’s a long line, and Kelli is a bouncer in that line, so, maybe not….

See some of you later today at Memorial Park?

Will the sun shine tomorrow in an Fred Ortega-less Pasadena?

- AP

Sid Tyler came to The Proc in a dream last night and said that if I didn’t post brand new Sid Tyler Facts, he would throw me through a plate glass window. So here are this week’s Sid Tyler Facts:

• There have not been any homicides in Pasadena in 2008 thus far. Sid’s been really distracted because Hardcastle & McCormick is finally out on DVD.
• Sid Tyler doesn’t own a can opener. He just chews through the can.
• If Sid Tyler were running for President, his Superdelegates would be Lust, Gluttony, Greed, Sloth, Wrath, Envy, and Pride.
• Kenny G is allowed to live because Sid Tyler doesn’t kill women.
• Wheaties were originally called “The Breakfast Of Sid Tyler”. Then, they all realized, for breakfast he only eats live baby dolphins and washes them down with the tears of small children.
• Sid Tyler doesn’t have blood. He is filled with magma.
• Whoever said “Only the good die young” was probably in Sid Tyler’s kindergarten class.

**

The Aaron Proctor Interview Series continues this week with a very interesting dude. Jon Guynn is his name, publishing the Pasadena Weekly is his game. The Most Electrifying Man In Pasadena thought it would be a good idea to let you all know a little bit more about this guy, considering even The Proc has never heard of him before.

Yes, that’s PW publisher Jon Guynn. Older pic. Not Michael Bolton.

AP: If you publish the Pasadena Weekly, does that mean you only work one day a week?

Jon Guynn: Why? What have you heard?

AP: You used to work at Billboard Magazine, I heard. Who is the cooler member of Depeche Mode: Dave Gahan or Martin Gore? (The answer is neither)

JG: The addicted or dead are always cooler - bon is cooler than angus, john is cooler than paul, keith is cooler than mick, ace is cooler than gene etc. what was the question again?

AP: What’s your favorite thing about working in Pasadena? Besides the possible Aaron Proctor sightings?

JG: I appreciate the obvious beauty of the area and also the feeling of being part of a community. The freaky talking crosswalk switches. Saying “hahamonga”. Green Street. City Hall.

AP: Has anybody ever told you that you look like the guy in those “UPS Whiteboard” commercials?

JG: You did and I’m very conflicted about it.

(Proc’s note - he also kinda looks like that guy who plays on Criminal Minds)

AP: Which is the proper use for the Pasadena Star-News: paper hats or birdcage liner?

JG: Publishers consider paper hats a badge of honor. Don’t you remember the grade school tours?

AP: You’re from Cleveland. Please finish these lyrics: “Moon over Parma, bring my love to me tonight…..”

JG: “Guide her to Eastlake, underneath your silvery light….”

AP: Which is the better state motto for Ohio? “With God, All Things Are Possible” or “The State You Drive Through To Get To Pennsylvania Or Indiana”?

JG: As much as I love my hometown, you’ll notice that I moved away as soon as I could afford it…

AP: Do you like movies about gladiators?

JG: Love them, and don’t call me Shirley.

AP: Joe Piasecki and Carl Kozlowski are building a house. Joe is putting on the siding. He picks up a nail, hammers it in. Picks up another nail, throws it away. Picks up a nail, hammers it in. Picks up another, throws it away. This goes on for a while, and finally Carl comes over and asks him why he is throwing half of the nails away. He replies, “Those ones were pointed on the wrong end.” Carl gets exasperated and says “You idiot, those are for the other side of the house!”

JG: (silent)

AP: How many phone calls per day do you get from people about Jim Laris?

JG: From people? From people? No, none from people.

AP: Have you met Councilman Steve Madison yet? Be careful, I read somewhere he’s kind of a douche.

JG: No, but I was a fan of dolly madison. And you must admit that “steve madison” is a killer name, like “max power”

AP: True or false: Nobody knows the name of the actor who voiced KITT on “Knight Rider” - so they just call him KITT or that Doctor from St. Elsewhere or Mr. Feeney from “Boy Meets Wolrd”.

JG: yes

AP: Have you ever heard the wolf cry to the blue corn moon?

JG: Not yet, but I’ve seen the boxer pup eat the nice couch.

AP: What are some new and exciting things that the future holds for the PW?

JG: we’ve not lost one subscriber yet and once this buzz about the internet dies down we’ll really show ‘em. actually we will be announcing some news shortly as pasadena weekly is about to get even better

AP: Which Pasadena celebrity would you like to meet? Marlee Matlin, John C. Reilly, or Bull from “Night Court”?

JG: Marlee for sure but how ’bout diamond dave?

**

According to the shell of its former self Star-News, plans in preparation for a massive earthquake drill were unveiled on Wednesday at the USGS here in Pasadena:

And it is a scenario that we can expect with near certainty in the next 20 years, according to U.S. Geological Survey scientists, who on Wednesday used a recent study of the effects of a magnitude-7.8 quake on the San Andreas Fault to announce plans for the “Great Southern California ShakeOut,” the biggest earthquake drill in U.S. history.

“An enormous earthquake is definitely in our future,” said Lucile Jones, chief scientist for the USGS Multi-Hazards Project, speaking during a news conference at Caltech that drew civil and public safety officials from throughout the Southland.

“ShakeOut is a chance for all of us to practice together what we will do when the earthquake happens, and to get ready now rather than waiting until the earthquake to act,” she said.

The ShakeOut drill will begin at 10 a.m. Nov. 13, when a hypothetical magnitude-7.8 quake will hit the southern San Andreas Fault.

Scary stuff.  I’ve never personally been in a major earthquake before.  Have been a few little ones here and there, but nothing big time.

Couple quick questions, though.

1.  What if the “big one” happens before November 13th?

2.  Where’s all the looting going to happen in Pasadena? I need a new television.

3.  How come nobody is saying that maybe, just maybe, we should keep a gun handy in case people get out of hand?

Seriously.  I mean, I’m all down for practicing escape drills - in fact, Kelli and I already have a master plan for whenever this big one goes down.  But what about the aftermath?  Ya know, when police and firefighters and ambulances can’t get to you right away?  What if the gangs and Muir students we have in Pasadena decide they want to start looting, raping, and pillaging? This is serious shit, Pasadena - you’d better wake-up and realize that everything isn’t going to be a Larry Wilson afternoon tea when The Big One hits.  I know people and yes, even in Pasadena, people are going to act retarded and try to pull some serious stupid shit.

The police will be too busy saving Old Town and making sure Steve Madison’s Maserati didn’t get destroyed.  Victor Gordo will rip into 5 days worth of Pasadena’s food supply.  I’ll have to defend myself and my loved ones…so…yeah, where’s the mention of any of that?

I’m just sayin’.

Have a safe weekend.

- AP

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