The Adventures of Aaron Proctor

Well, if you haven’t read or heard by now - there’s some big news in The Proc’s City. I now have a weekly column (of sorts) in the brand new, redesigned Pasadena Weekly called “5 Questions“. It’s basically a shorter, nicer, more appropriate version of the Aaron Proctor Interview Series - in fact, you could call it “The Aaron Proctor Interview Series Evolved”. It’s right next to the table of contents.

Kelli & I At Castle Green This Past Thursday For The PW Relaunch Party - More Pics Soon! (Photo by Michael Nagami)

In my first column, I talk to the man, the myth, the legend, the guy who whipped my ass in the 2007 election: Mayor Bill Bogaard. As of writing, it’s not up on the website yet but pick up a Pasadena Weekly wherever you can and check it out! Next week’s guest will be even more interesting, I promise.

WCGB has also given me some blather love - as she tries to figure out what I’m all about at this link.

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Yesterday, I talked about how rapper The Game visited John Muir High School to “mentor the troubled youth” as well as put the High back in High School.

Well, Frank Girardot has an excellent column in the PSN (Yeah, you heard me - an actual excellent column in the PSN) and on his blog. Frank, now known on the streets as “The Scene“, has made some comments that are simply priceless (plus he gets bonus points for making a reference in the title to the other guy known as The Game…)

I hoped to ask Pasadena school Superintendent Edwin Diaz if “The Game” held similarly lofty goals for the children and teens of Pasadena.

I wanted to ask, “Why ‘The Game?’

“Why not City Councilwoman Jacque Robinson? Why not potential First Lady Michelle Obama? Why not Powell? Why not U.S. Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas? Why not former Deputy District Attorney Chris Darden? Why not former Pasadena police Lt. Rick Law?

“Why not one of the thousands of successful black men and women who live or work in Pasadena every day?”

Unfortunately I didn’t get a call back. It was graduation day for about 60 percent of the kids who started there as freshmen four years ago.

The other 40 percent?

Probably off somewhere listening to “The Game.”

The Game. Rapper. Gangsta. Role Model For Your Kids.

This is why I think Girardot rocks. Seriously….what the fuck was PUSD thinking on this one? Edwin Diaz might not return phone calls to “The Scene” - but he does return phone calls to The Proc. I’ve obtained a shortlist of people Edwin has lined up to speak to John Muir High School students in the future. Let’s just say that future isn’t so bright…:

TOP TEN FUTURE SPEAKERS AT JOHN MUIR HIGH SCHOOL

10. OJ Simpson

9. Fucky, The Jaywalking Dinosaur

8. Chris Holden (Just supposed to say “shiiiiit” and then leave)

7. Tonya Harding

6. Some chick Aaron Proctor banged

5. Billy The Crackhead

4. Virginia Hoge

3. Chris Benoit

2. The Dyanmic Duo of Joe Piasecki & Carl Kozlowski

1. John Whitaker

Like Frank said, there’s a zillion other people they could have obtained to speak to kids - people who lead better lives and who have made something from strife and struggle. This is some lame attempt to “connect” with the youth and show us that PUSD and the people in charge of it aren’t out of touch with the times. Nice try. While the kids went home and told all their friends on the MySpace and the Facebook how The Game came to their school - I’m sure none went home with any kind of message or lesson learned. Is that how you reinvent the Mighty Mustangs?

I’ve never done this before…but this calls for very bitter pill. And, no, I’m not calling Joe Hopkins. He hasn’t listened to rap music since 1992.

Edwin Diaz, you’re the 2nd Ham And Egger of the week. I think I’ll actually write “You’re a fucking dumb ass” on the award, too. Or maybe I’ll quote some lyrics from your aforementioned favorite musician:

We runnin’ through summers
in dual hummers
and tell them my crew coming for war

Edwin - what I’m trying to say is that you’ve just got some ham & eggs all up in your grill, son. And if all you wanted was to get someone to tell the kids to ’stay alive’, you could have got the member of the Bee Gees who is still alive for a much cheaper price.

Dormitas and Del Apres-Ski (who is finally blogging!) also chime in on this thing, including Del’s note that The Scene and some dude got into it a little bit about this whole ordeal.

**

What’s a week without some All-American Sid Tyler Facts? Here we go….

• Sid Tyler’s favorite cereal is Kellogg’s Nails `N Gravel
• The brand new Dirty Harry DVD boxset is known in some circles as “The Sid Tyler Story”
• Sid Tyler is the last digit of Pi.
• Sid Tyler plays racquetball with a waffle iron and a bowling ball.
• Sid Tyler called me yesterday and said “Between you, me, and my fists, Virginia Hoge is a cunt.”
• Someone once gave Sid Tyler a pencil with an eraser. It’s not nice (or smart) to insult the man like that.
• The Internet was the only place one could hide from Sid….. until he got America Online.
• Sid Tyler is actually all of the “100 people surveyed” on Family Feud.
• Sid Tyler once bought Chuck Norris a beer. Hey, he can be a nice guy once in a while.
• Aliens do exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Sid Tyler is on.

Be seeing you…and remember:

- AP

Run, don’t walk, to your local whatever-it-is and pick up this week’s Pasadena Weekly. There’s been a complete redesign of the paper…and a special surprise on the tables of contents page. More on that tomorrow.

**

My companion series to The Ten People Ruining Pasadena - The Ten Things I Love About Pasadena - continues today with #8:

#8: Pasadena’s Wild Parrots!

Not widely known to people outside of the Crown City, but Pasadena is home to some really cute (and really loud) wild parrots. Wikipedia sez:

Pasadena has a population of naturalized parrots. The city’s website identifies one, a Red-crowned amazon parrot, but according to the [6] Parrot Project of Los Angeles, the parrots fall into as many as five different groups. There is a cycle of regular public outcry about the noise and the sheer oddity of the birds’ presence, but most Pasadenans seem to have come to accept the birds as part of the city’s life. They can be seen year-round, but are especially noticeable in the winter. The birds are definitely gregarious, and the amount of disturbance their chatter creates is related to the time of day they may choose to chatter.

Theories and myths abound on how these parrots came to claim Pasadena and surrounding towns as their home. A heavily accepted story by longtime residents of the area is that they were part of the stock at Simpson’s Nursery on East Colorado Blvd. in the Lamanda Park area. The nursery was burned down in 1959, and the parrots were thereby released to forage in the lush Pasadena area. It is also possible that some parrots moved northward from their normal range in central and northern Mexico as human habitation in the Pasadena area created artificial habitat in which the parrots could survive. Among their favorite foods are the berry kernels of the cedar trees that grow in great abundance around Pasadena.

And Ben over at The Sky Is Big In Pasadena says:

a little known fact about pasadena is that it is home to many flocks of parrots. rumor has it that these foreign birds escaped into the wild during a fire at a bird farm.

There are a ton of theories as to why they’re exactly here. I heard that Sid Tyler once mated with a parrot after a drunken evening at The 35er (back when it was actually a dive bar) and fathered thousands of them.

Regardless of where they’re from - they’re here, they’re feathered, so get used to it. I notice that you can hear them returning and coming back to the area during the Spring and Fall months - their loud squawking can be heard all the way out in Arcadia and Monrovia. Kind of becomes peaceful and quaint after a while. The first time I experienced this was when I first came here early in this decade and thought I was in an Alfred Hitchcock film.

I also hear they’ve stayed in Pasadena because they like our choices of private schools and can commute to work via the Gold Line.

Whatever the real reason is that they’re here or why they choose to stay, it’s a really special feeling when you get up close to one of these birds. You know that you’re in a special place and a special town and all that crap. They’re part of the Pasadena Identity and nobody else has really got `em. So, that’s why the wild parrots are one of the Ten Things I Love About Pasadena.

**

Time for another edition of everyone’s favorite morning comic, You Can’t Fight City Hall!

**

The Game recently visited the kids at John Muir High to give them a pep talk, according to some guy who writes for the PSN:

Multi-platinum-selling hip-hop artist The Game has been shot seven times, served jail time, and watched people close to him lose their lives to violence.

On Tuesday afternoon, the rapper - dressed in a white T-shirt, baseball cap and chunky gold chain - stepped into a packed classroom at John Muir High School to tell teens there is a better way.

“I just want you to stay alive,” said the 28-year-old artist, who was born Jayceon Taylor.

Ummmm….yeah. `Cause, if I had kids, I’d totally want them to get advice on their lives from The Game. Was Amy Winehouse busy that day? Maybe next year they could get upstanding citizens like R. Kelly, Britney Spears, or Nick Hogan to show kids “a better way”.

Ya know, the schools could always contact me to speak to the kids. I’m Pasadena’s paragon of virtue, after all.

Joe Hopkins is gonna be pissed when he hears about this story. Also, Virginia Hoge thinks this post is racist.

**

I like to send drawings to Mayor Bogaard. I think it a) creeps him out, b) probably makes him laugh, c) annoys his harem of secretaries, and d) it’s fucking hilarious. Recently, I sent him this:

I’m sure he enjoys it lots.
Be seeing you,

- AP

Happy Birthday to my brother, Adam, who turns 26 today. Yeah, we’re the same age until July 11th. Since it’s my brother’s birthday, it also means it’s the 14th anniversary of the OJ Chase - a/k/a, the reason why people like Greta Van Susteren stay on television for as long as they do.

**

Pasadena just got a little sexier for a whole week. While Bogaard is out of town, trying to liberate Finland from the Nazis (Ann Erdman is playing Maria von Trapp) - Sexy Steve Haderlein, the Vice Mayor of Pasadena, is in charge. Last night, he became the first ever elected official to intentionally run a City Council meeting topless. Steve seemed to be having a good time up there - occasionally joking around and publicly noting how every agenda item comes back to traffic.

They actually did bring up a couple of good points at last night’s meeting. The first was whether to decide if AT&T U-Verse should be allowed in Pasadena. Duh! Of course they should. I’m tired of dealing with one cable company, specifically Charter - whose high-speed Internet service seemed to crap out on me for absolutely no reason over the weekend. They also tried to fuck me over with overcharges on the first bill - something I quickly rectified but I’m sure it’s something they do to lots of people. You can’t just threaten to quit and leave - there’s really no other alternative here in Pasadena. And - ya know - nothing says Podunk like only having one cable company to choose from.

The second item of note was a frank discussion about Pasadena Water & Power’s soaring prices. Maggie Mags made an excellent point that we (and by we, I mean they) need to be more transparent when it comes to rate hikes. Sending a little postcard just isn’t enough. How come PWP can’t put notices on the bills a few months ahead like every other normal company does? To paraphrase Councilwoman McAustin, a lot of people in this City go along with Pasadena’s crazy ass taxes - and they shouldn’t be dicked around (although this is the same person who supported Measure D, I’m gonna have to give her props for making a great comment like this). Madison (who - guess what? - phoned in) chimed in with the same thing - which was weak, boring and unoriginal - with a hint of douchebaggery. Has he been taking the Huell Howser class of repeating everything someone else just said?

I also enjoyed how everyone talked about a drought and wasting water while having big pitchers of water in front of them.

And - for those of you who don’t know - for the next whole week, I’m going to be the Interim Acting Deputy Vice Mayor. So, yeah, you’d better listen to what I have to say. Now go make The Proc a sandwich, no mustard.

**

If you didn’t know by now, Robin’s Wood Fire BBQ & Grill is the greatest restaurant in Pasadena, owned by a great man, Robin Salzer. Behind every great man is an even greater woman (although, in my case, sometimes I’m behind the woman, if you’re pickin’ up what I’m puttin’ down..) - and so I sat down with Ann Marie Villicana, all-star Realtor, former Pasadena City Councilmember, and - most important of all - Robin’s wife. The Aaron Proctor Interview Series continues….

The Proc: Have you ever sold someone a bridge in Brooklyn?

Ann Marie Villicana: No, but I’ve listed and sold 3 major properties immediately adjacent to bridges in Pasadena: an exquisite estate abutting the La Loma Bridge, the famous/infamous Vista del Arroyo bungalow property adjacent to the Colorado Bridge and a secluded estate right next to the Prospect Bridge. I guess I specialize in Pasadena Bridge properties! But not in Brooklyn. If I lived there, I might!

The Proc: What’s up with the WPRA? I wanted to start a wrestling promotion called the West Pasadena Rasslin’ Association once.

AMV: That sounds more interesting and maybe more accurate for the acronym.

The Proc: Which way is the right way to spell your last name? I’ve seen like 40 different spellings.

AMV: Villicana, sounds like a Villa, which is perfect for me selling homes.

The Proc: Who was cooler: Hardcastle or McCormick?

AMV: I don’t know either one, so they can’t be that cool!

The Proc: Remember that time you ran for Mayor?

AMV: Many still think I won and call me Mayor and ask me for help with the city! I rarely clarify the mistake! Ha ha

The Proc: Does your husband give you ribs shaped like cupid hearts for Valentine’s Day?

AMV: No, but this year could be a first due to your suggestion.

The Proc: How many different kinds of Villicana wines are there?

AMV: Many fine red wines in Paso Robles that are winning top awards…all served in glass bottles with corks. Sorry, nothing in card board boxes nor with screw tops! Go to Villicana.com for the scoop and directions.

The Proc: What do you think of Steve Madison?

AMV: The only man I think of is my husband, Robin Salzer.

The Proc: Why’d you make Robin shave his mustache off?

AMV: I knew he’d be much more handsome by revealing his face and great smile.

The Proc: Which is a better nickname for you? “AMV” or “The Ribmistress”?

AMV: A-MV is the nickname that many have called me for years, so it’s established and known.

**

Kells Bells came home with an awesome surprise for me this weekend. Look at the Beanie Babies she bought:

They’re so cute and appropriately named “Righty” and “Lefty“. Guess which is which? Now all I need is one of these to complete the set:

I’m 12 years old.

**

Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the blogosphere..Virginia Hoge’s raging hard-on for me and this website climaxes with an orgasm of crazy. I’d simply tell her to make a phone call to your local Wahh-One-One..but that would be letting Ginny off far too easy.

A few weeks ago, I snail-mailed Virginia Hoge the coveted Ham And Egger Award for the week. I snail mail everyone the award. Some were even so proud of it, they photocopied it for all their friends at City Hall to see. I found her address on this artistic website (thanks Google). Of course - after she received it in the mail it led to the following post o’er on her blog:

This came in the mail from Aaron Proctor last week, how nice of him to remember my birthday.He listed the return address as: Proctor for Mayor.com, 1559 S. Hill Ave., Pasadena, CA 91107 (what was written on the envelope)*

The post was titled something like “AARON PROCTOR BIRTHDAY HATE CARD!” Is this chick for real?! This is priceless. First, I’m no dummy - I used my old mailing address which now forwards to my brand new pad. Secondly, I had *no* idea it was her birthday - but that’s great. Third, she really really needs to know that Google is her friend and if she doesn’t want people sending her Ham & Egger Awards, to not have your home mailing address posted on some website.

All of these things has lead Virginia Hoge on yet another Anti-Proctor Crazy Bitch Crusade, leaving comments like these on blogs across the `sphere:

Aaron Proctor is a hench-man for the Right - he does not have a “political
future” - he exists only to stir up hate against all of our local
political “good guys” (like Syd Tyler and the Mayor) and support the “bad
guys” like Steve Haderlein (who he calls “sexy”).Its time the local blogging community recognized this, and realized that
they can do something about it.

I’m not a henchman. I’m a fucking leader. The other five Republicans in Pasadena walk a royal pace behind me and get me my Wendy’s. And, are you really that much of a half-wit, Virginia? Do you know anything about the Internet? You’ve never heard of Chuck Norris Facts - those are simply rehashed for Sid Tyler? And how the fuck is Steve Haderlein a bad guy? Did he get you and your hippie dippie friends kicked out of a park for trying to reenact the nude scene from “Hair”? Let the sunshine in - to your brain.

I think my political future is quite bright and I think that’s what scares you, Virginia. I think I’m waking a lot of people up - people dormant from Pasadena’s lull of a political scene before I came around. If you thought I was some flash-in-the-pan (or “One trick pony” as your buddy Larry says)…you probably wouldn’t be wasting your time “Trying to get the word out”. Don’t take my word for it - take the word of the ever-growing legions of The Proc’s fans out there:

Like him, dislike him people all over the SGV believe he is a guy to watch. He is a smart guy, he gets to the heart of matters quickly. Many believe when he controls the message delivery better he will have a pretty bright political future.

- Frazgo.

Anyhoo….there’s also this chestnut - a comment posted over on Frank Girardot’s blog:

Now I have received hate-mail from Aaron Proctor:

http://pasadenanewprogressive.blogspot.com/2008/06/aaron-proctors-hate-birthday-card.html

He is harassing me, the question remains, Why?

I have also noticed he is also harassing all of our local left-leaning politicians in town (like Syd Tyler and Steve Madison) on his blog.

Because it’s hilarious to see your reaction? Because every time you go on one of your crazy crusades, my blog hits go up and my site gets more attention? It’s no more clearer than that. You’d think a rational person would realize this.

But this isn’t rational, this is Virginia Olive Hoge - “legendary letter writer” and otherwise useless - she turns the crazy up a little, pulling a textbook liberal tactic, and begins calling me racist for the following comments. This wreck of a blog entry can only be described accurately by one man - and that’s WWE announcer, Jim Ross:

[in case anyone missed this, here is Aaron Proctor on John Muir high school - yes the alma matter of Jackie Robinson. I don’t know about you, but when I see racism like this existing in 2008, I wonder what Jackie would think, and I am ashamed that this level of racism is still happening today in Pasadena.]excerpt from Proctor for Mayor.com:

Ummm, I might be going out on a limb here, but I know that I’m pretty ashamed and embarrassed we can’t just make John Muir High School a part of La Canada or something. Yeah, I’m ashamed of having that school in my City. Yeah, I think that knowing 1+1 might just make you the Valedictorian of that school. I, for one, think it’s funny to badmouth and continue lambasting such a horrible school and school district to boot. It’s a cheap, easy, funny joke.

• Wanna know the way kids graduate for John Muir? Take the “f” out of way.

This is hilarious. How in the hell were my comments against John Muir High School racist again? Is it because black people and Hispanic people go there? Is that how it’s racist? So, with your enlightened logic, if I were to say that I can’t stand the Paseo - am I racist because I’ve seen a black guy there before? You know, I think that movie “Man On Fire” totally sucked. Am I racist because Denzel Washington was in the star role? What kind of idiot logic is this?

Virginia - you should really wake up. You’re not “getting the word out” about me. I do a damn fine job of that myself. What you’re doing are other things like “increasing my web traffic” and “showing Pasadena how much of a retard you are”. Thanks, Virginia. Christmas came quite early this year.

I thought we were past all of the grade school stuff - but it’s this simple, Virginia. You don’t like what I have to say? Don’t read my fuckin’ blog. You don’t like my views? There’s plenty of crazies out there who share the same ideas as you. You want to “get the word out about The Proc so they can see what a horrible person he is”? You’re doing a hell of a counterproductive job.

I swear, who knew a lil’ old picture of me holding a bunch of ham and eggs was going to drive so many people so insane? Common sense totally skipped over this woman. Can’t wait until she tries to get my blog shut down like she did to Rene Amy’s listserv a few years back.

By the way, did you see my public service announcements? More are on their way - but check this, this, and this out first!

**

When is Dave Allenstein taking over for Fred Ortega?!

Be seeing you,

- AP

Bye, Bye Ortega! Leftovers From City Hall reports on PSN’s Fred Ortega’s last day at this link. It looks like Jennifer McLain will take over West Covina reporting and some new guy named Don Edelweiss will be the newest Ham And Egger in Pasadena.

**

Time for another installment of my new comic strip, You Can’t Fight City Hall!

**

Kelly LC Russell is a writer. Kelly LC Russell is a grrlie. Kelly LC Russell likes to blather. Kelly LC Russell lives on the West Coast. So, it makes sense that she has a blog called West Coast Grrlie Blather. It’s not as much political as it is really, really good photography.

Let’s see what happens when this Pasadena photo-storian grapples with The Proc in the Aaron Proctor Interview Series:

The Proc: Why did Cynthia Kurtz steal your hairdo?

Kelly Russell: She wanted to be recognized in District 1.

The Proc: How do you think the blogosphere has impacted the local Pasadena political scene?

KR: Openness is good. Politicians and policy makers know we’re watching them, and we’re conversing with each other about what’s going on in a very public forum. Look at Paul Little—he left City Council and got a blog.

AP: What’s it like living in the Northwest?

KR: We always know where the tv remote control is, because we’re always turning the volume up to drown out the sound of helicopters. We don’t moan about it, we just do it.

AP: What’s the “LC” for?

KR: 150. I’m dyslexic.

AP: You’re originally from England. Should I call you a traitor?

KR: Nationalism is kitsch.

AP: Whitney Houston told me to ask you “How do I know if he really loves me”?

KR: Girlfriend, you know he really loves you if his name isn’t Bobby Brown.

AP: What do you think of Steve Madison?

KR: My Maserati does 186.

AP: What’s your favorite summertime activity?

KR: The Obon Festival at the Pasadena Buddhist Church. One bite of the teriyaki chicken reveals the entirety of the eightfold path.

AP: Thanks for that Doctor Who TARDIS piggy bank. Did you know that when I put money in it, it disappears into another time and dimension?

KR: Yes, and and I know that Sid Tyler can retrieve it.

AP: Is there such thing as East Coast Grrlie Blather?

KR: There is—after I knock back a few at the Algonquin Hotel.

**

Rock on, and thanks Kelly. You’ll go down in history with everyone from Bill Bogaard to Whazzat Kangaroo in the Aaron Proctor Interview Series.

**

Hulk Hogan is such a douchebag. It sucks, too. He was a hero of mine growing up (and a hero when Kelli was growing up, too). I mean, in a way, he saved the wrestling industry when it was down in the doldrums in the late 90’s by becoming a villain…one of the few things he ever did the right way. You know, I could deal with him thinking he was the wrestling business, I could deal with his lies about “inventing theme music” and “inventing t-shirts” - I could even deal with him being a dick to younger wrestlers and not realizing he was far past his prime. All of this stuff as of late with his son’s drag racing car crash (which ended up permanently paralyzing the other dude) and his affair with a girl that looks like a Dateline NBC decoy - it just proves a few things to me:

1. Hulkamania is dead as a doornail in my book.
2. Ric Flair was the wrestling business, not Hulk
3. All of the stories about him being a dick to other wrestlers, promoters, etc. - I now fully believe them.
4. He and his son are being outed for the fakes that they are.
5. I’m a little weirded out about his affair with the chick that looks like his daughter.

Did anyone see Hulk’s pathetic ass on Larry King the other night? I can’t believe he’s still going through with the whole reality show thing.

**

I went to John and Ken’s protest in Memorial Park yesterday afternoon. The whole reason for it was to show just how stupid State Senator Jack Scott’s idea to ban mylar balloons is. These guys are awesome and you should really listen to their show on KFI - they make a LOT of sense. A lot more sense than all the fucking pundits on any other shows I hear. I got a bunch of pics and videos I’d like to share with you:

I arrived at the park a little after 3 pm. There was a small crowd on hand which got quite larger as the 5 o’clock hour approached. The theme was “Jack Scott: SOB.” Obviously, SOB stood for “Save Our Balloons” - then I realized, he’s an SOB for being another California Liberal trying to take away yet another personal freedom. Funny how Democrats whine and cry about the children and then want to take something away from them.

John & Ken were set up in the park on the Raymond Street side.

Tables were set up by the balloon industry where you could sign petitions and get a free balloon to show your support.

This was GREAT - a balloon effigy of Jack Scott himself. Here’s another shot of that:

Free balloon animals for the kids by Buster Balloon and Annie Bannanie!

I *finally* met Frank Girardot in person. Such a cool guy!

A member of the Balloon Council (guy in sunglasses, Pete McDonough) talks to some nobody from the Star-News.

Around 3:30 p.m., a big paddy wagon from the Pasadena PD showed up. Wow, way to look out for the Northwest. I guess Bogey told them there’s conservatives in Memorial Park, so they need to be on the look out.

I spoke with Tara Silva and Francine, two women from the Balloon Factory all the way up in Lancaster, CA. They made the drive to show their support. Tara said that this whole balloon ban was “outrageous”. They mentioned how they’ve never had a power outage due to a balloon or anything like that.

And hey…look who else I ran into?

Brian Fuller! Candidate for Assembly against “Fat Tony“. Obviously he’s not as stupid as Fat Tony is, a friend and supporter of Jack Scott’s proposed mylar balloon ban.

Video:

John & Ken go over PG&E’s top ten power outages of 2007, none of which are related to Mylar balloons.

The balloon effigy of Jack Scott.

“La Raza” likes John & Ken (dude’s words, not mine)

UPDATE:  Not my video but a cool video of little kids stomping on the Jack Scott effigy.

I don’t care what others say - I think this protest drew a lot of attention to this issue and how our tax dollars are not at work when we elect people like Jack Scott. For more info on how to Save Our Balloons, visit John & Ken’s website or listen to their show on KFI.

Be seeing you,

- AP

Time to stick it to those trying to take away our personal freedoms and our fun! The protest against Jack Scott’s proposed Mylar Ban of Evil is today at 3 p.m. at Memorial Park here in Pasadena. It’s being hosted by John & Ken from KFI AM. Yours truly shall most definitely be there! Here’s the info once again:

John and Ken’s Balloon Ban Protest opposing the Senate bill that would ban those happy foil balloons you find at birthday parties will be held next Wednesday, June 11 at Memorial Park in Pasadena. Broadcast starts at 3:00 p.m. Bring the kids!

Memorial Park
85 E Holly St
Pasadena CA 91103We will set up on Raymond Street between Holly and Walnut Streets.The nearest parking garages are the Courtyard Marriott Garage on Raymond Street (b/w Walnut & Holly) and the Holly Garage on Holly Street (b/w Arroyo & Marengo).**

The woman you just can’t stay mad at for more than a millisecond and Pasadena Minister Of Truth Public Information Officer, Ann Erdman, has a blog now. Still crossing my fingers that City Councilmembers set up their own blogs in the not too distant future.

Speaking of Council, Dormitas has another excellent blow-by-blow of Monday’s meeting. Included in Monday’s meeting was a hipster/trendy night club in Pasadena, Vive, being the subject of debate about a dance floor and noise levels. Of course, neighbors complained about booze sales “causing crime” and things like that. Great. Way to scare businesses away and way to make Old Town even less fun. I mean, I’m not really into going to places like Vive (read yesterday’s post) - but since when are we banning nightclubs? Nightclubs?! Is anyone allowed to have fun around here? Christ, sometimes Pasadena Council and some Pasadenans really need to grow a pair. If we keep this up, we’re going to have to change our city’s logo:

Or….as inspired by something I saw on the Interwebs the other day:

**

Guess who wasn’t at City Council on Monday night? Ya know, the meeting where they sorta disbanded the Youth Violence Committee? Why, it was Steve Madison! For some reason, he was at Council’s closed sessions..but not at the meeting.

I guess Steve had something (or someone) more important to do than to tend to the issues that he’s responsible for.

** POP QUIZ **
Where was Madison on Monday night?

a. Watching Vince McMahon’s Million Dollar Giveaway on WWE RAW
b. “Polishing The Maserati” (if you know what I mean)
c. Banging a stripper
d. In a three-way with his girlfriend and a stripper
e. Spending quality time with his son Julian, bonding and teaching him the ins and outs of life while playing catch in the backyard (as “That’s My Boy” plays in the background).
f. A through D.

B-R-L-F-Q spells “no show a City Council meeting.” If you guessed “f”, you’re right and you win a prize. I don’t know what yet, but I’ll figure out something. How about I won’t kick your ass? If you guessed anything but “e”, you’ve gotta learn a little bit more about Mr. Maserati. If you guessed “e”, you’re probably Madison himself.
Poor District 6. Out there in the wild. All alone with no Councilman to take care of them.

**

Well, this picture above isn’t happening, according to Emma Peel in the Pasadena Star-News:

PASADENA - The Ambassador West project, one of the largest and most prestigious in the city’s history, has been foreclosed on and the property is back on the market for the fourth time in a decade.

“We no longer own any of the property,” Howard Weinberg, a part-owner of Ambassador West, said Monday. “A foreclosure sale has occurred.”

In a double blow to a 10-year effort to develop the former Ambassador College campus, plans for the Sterling of Pasadena luxury senior-living complex on an adjoining site have been scrapped.

Anybody got a couple million they could spare? I’d love to turn that into a Graceland-esque estate for myself. Just to fuck with the people who live over there.

Seriously, it’s a nice piece of land and I always wonder what it’s going to become. For those who don’t know, that place used to be the headquarters for the Worldwide Church of God. I heard they kept all over their Flavor-Aid in one building alone. Oh, and Bobby Fischer had his own Anti-Semitic version of a chessboard there.

If you’ve ever been over to that campus, it looks like an excellent place to begin filming my Pasadena version of The Prisoner.

**

Photo by Frazgo

Madison’s no-show at City Council is awfully dull compared to all the shenanigans and tomfoolery in Monrovia. How about we trade, All-American City? You can have Steve Madison and I’ll get all the hot, sweaty, cop-on-minor gay sex scandals?

This stuff is great, I’d just appreciate it more if it were happening in the Dena. Robert Parry reports on The Foothill Cities Blog that there’s been a lawsuit against the City of Monrovia. They’re some pretty bold charges of sexual assault, sexual misconduct, even more sexual misconduct, and sexual healing. Basically, some cop allegedly was banging some minor and having their summer lovin’ in the backseat of his car. Inner Circle wasn’t kidding about “Bad Boys”!

I don’t know how true all of this is or how this is all going to pan out, but bravo Monrovia, bravo indeed for giving me something to talk about besides the location of my favorite Wendy’s.

This looks like a job for…

Yep.

**

Because it’s Fred Ortega’s last day at the PSN, The Proc has decided to interview another one of his Ham-and-eggin’ co-workers as part of the Aaron Proctor Interview Series. (I guess he didn’t like my song?) I sat down with Caroline An (well, I sat as close as she’d let me sit - so - e-mailed her under my alias, Ross Cutler). Caroline runs the sometimes-updated Hallway Monitor blog and is the education reporter for the PSN. Since she mainly covers PUSD, make that “schools reporter.” That’s her pictured above in Larry Wilson’s tiara. I’d tap that (her, not Larry Wilson’s tiara).

Don’t let that small frame you could fit nicely into a overhead compartment fool you, though - she’s one tough cookie.

Look out for a Frank Girardot cameo, too!

The Proc: You run the “Hallway Monitor” blog for the PSN. What do you think of the blogosphere?

Caroline An: I didn’t know you had a blog until my office-mates told me about it.

AP: Suuure. Does Fred Ortega copy off of your notes when Larry Wilson isn’t looking?

CA: He sits too far from me to copy my notes, but we pass notes to each other when Hector isn’t looking.

AP: Remember that commercial in the 80’s with the California Raisins rapping “Books! Check em out”. Did you know that’s really Sir Mix-a-lot rapping? He liked big books and he could not lie.

CA: Yes I do but that commercial scared me. I don’t like raisins and seeing shriveled up fruit talking freaked me out. Here’s my favorite lyric though…”You got a fantasy imagination can take you to where you want to be. Are you curious? How can you find out? Books check em out .

AP: Remember that book “Island Of The Blue Dolphins“? I read that in like 5th grade.

CA: 5th grade? What remedial school did you attend? I think I read that book in third grade.

AP: Marcus Hook Elementary, Marcus Hook, PA. (Proc’s note - Janet Szper is still the school nurse? She looked like Odo. I kid you not). If you don’t get a story in by its deadline, do you get detention or just a demerit?

CA: Deadline? What’s a deadline? I make my own deadlines!

AP: What’s in your Trapper Keeper?

CA: I was a Pee Chee girl. No Trapper Keepers for me!

AP: If somebody took the average IQ of students in PUSD, would the answer be somewhere below “mildly retarded”?

CA: Aren’t you mildly retarded?

AP: We should do a remake of “Billy Madison” but use Steve Madison instead.

CA: As an education reporter, I’m appalled at any film that glorifies a grown man who has not completed grade school. Shame on you for including this as a question.

AP: How come every time Zack Morris and one of his girlfriends “decided to be friends” on “Saved By The Bell“, you never saw that chick again in any future episode?

CA: Because he’s not worth staying friends with since Screech is his wingman!

AP: Since you report on schools, do you eat your lunch on a plastic tray with chocolate milk and crinkle-cut fries?

CA: No. Plastic trays are very bad for the environment, chocolate milk and crinkle-cut fries will make me fat. I have to watch my girlish figure.

AP: Pick a flap on this little flower-shaped thing I made out of college-ruled notebook paper.

CA: the top left, please

AP: Pick a color.

CA: *Pink*

AP: Pick a number.

CA: *9*

AP: You’re going to live in a mansion with 3 pools and have 4 Mercedes-Benzes.

CA: Promise? Cross your heart and swear to die? Stick a needle in your eye?

AP: Ever throw a paper airplane across the newsroom?

CA: Paper airplanes are SO 1992. I have thrown my stress ball at Fred Ortega when he stressed me out.

AP: How many John Muir students does it take to screw in a light bulb?

CA: Do you know how to screw in a light bulb? Or do you have to get Kelli to do that?

AP: Want to go to the prom with me?

CA: I already have a date. His name is Larry Wilson.

AP: You made fun of the fact the Ham And Egger award you all got was printed out in black and white. You’re not an art teacher, though.

CA: Well, you’re not one to judge our newspaper so if you’re not going to pay the extra 20 cents for color copies, please keep the 42 cents you wasted in mailing us that sorry excuse of an award. Besides, I heard from several sources that you can’t afford to buy a round of alcoholic beverages so start saving those pennies!

CA (cont’d): BTW – Frank Girardot wants me to pass this note along to you (Stop giggling Aaron, it’s not a love note.)

Frank Girardot: Stop telling people to go into my bottom desk drawer. Gentleman Jack is expensive.

AP: So, any way, Caroline - Which was bigger? Todd Ruiz’ rolodex of story sources or Todd Ruiz’ rolodex of women’s phone numbers?

CA: I’m going to assume they are the same size…but I haven’t seen Hot Toddy’s little black book of female numbers. His rolodex was actually an excel spreadsheet.

AP: Want a Now And Later? It’s strawberry.

CA: Naw..You got Dots or a Ring Pop? Or even Airheads?

AP: Remember when we would read a book in English class and then watch the movie but the movie was not even remotely close to the plot of the book and then you’d confuse the two and then get all your questions wrong on your test?

CA: Um..no. That never happened to me. I was a perfect student in school.

AP: Wouldn’t our public schools be a lot better if Steve Haderlein made the switch to teaching at them and he taught Home Ec wearing only an apron that says “Kiss The Vice Mayor”?

CA: No. He would probably get arrested for inappropriate behavior. Since this is your idea will you bail him out of jail?

AP: What the fuck is a gerund?

CA: What is with the language? You just landed yourself in detention. A gerund is a word that ends in -ing.

CA (cont’d): Example: Aaron I think you’ve been drinking too much. Come up with better questions next time.

AP: How many textbooks can Edwin Diaz walk around with on his head without having them fall to the ground?

CA: You know who can answer that question? Binti Harvey, the PUSD public information officer. I’m sure she will have the answer for you by the end of the day. Maybe you can record it and post the video on your blog. The video of you yelling “South Pasadena Sucks” out the window to unassuming strangers was just riveting. You must have a lot of free time.

**

Wow! What a total bitch! Nahh, I’m kidding: she’s funny and “gets it” (either that, or Fred helped her out with half of the survey). At least I’m pretty sure she wants a piece of the Most Electrifying Man In Pasadena..but she’s gotta get in line, and that’s a long line, and Kelli is a bouncer in that line, so, maybe not….

See some of you later today at Memorial Park?

Will the sun shine tomorrow in an Fred Ortega-less Pasadena?

- AP

Sid Tyler came to The Proc in a dream last night and said that if I didn’t post brand new Sid Tyler Facts, he would throw me through a plate glass window. So here are this week’s Sid Tyler Facts:

• There have not been any homicides in Pasadena in 2008 thus far. Sid’s been really distracted because Hardcastle & McCormick is finally out on DVD.
• Sid Tyler doesn’t own a can opener. He just chews through the can.
• If Sid Tyler were running for President, his Superdelegates would be Lust, Gluttony, Greed, Sloth, Wrath, Envy, and Pride.
• Kenny G is allowed to live because Sid Tyler doesn’t kill women.
• Wheaties were originally called “The Breakfast Of Sid Tyler”. Then, they all realized, for breakfast he only eats live baby dolphins and washes them down with the tears of small children.
• Sid Tyler doesn’t have blood. He is filled with magma.
• Whoever said “Only the good die young” was probably in Sid Tyler’s kindergarten class.

**

The Aaron Proctor Interview Series continues this week with a very interesting dude. Jon Guynn is his name, publishing the Pasadena Weekly is his game. The Most Electrifying Man In Pasadena thought it would be a good idea to let you all know a little bit more about this guy, considering even The Proc has never heard of him before.

Yes, that’s PW publisher Jon Guynn. Older pic. Not Michael Bolton.

AP: If you publish the Pasadena Weekly, does that mean you only work one day a week?

Jon Guynn: Why? What have you heard?

AP: You used to work at Billboard Magazine, I heard. Who is the cooler member of Depeche Mode: Dave Gahan or Martin Gore? (The answer is neither)

JG: The addicted or dead are always cooler - bon is cooler than angus, john is cooler than paul, keith is cooler than mick, ace is cooler than gene etc. what was the question again?

AP: What’s your favorite thing about working in Pasadena? Besides the possible Aaron Proctor sightings?

JG: I appreciate the obvious beauty of the area and also the feeling of being part of a community. The freaky talking crosswalk switches. Saying “hahamonga”. Green Street. City Hall.

AP: Has anybody ever told you that you look like the guy in those “UPS Whiteboard” commercials?

JG: You did and I’m very conflicted about it.

(Proc’s note - he also kinda looks like that guy who plays on Criminal Minds)

AP: Which is the proper use for the Pasadena Star-News: paper hats or birdcage liner?

JG: Publishers consider paper hats a badge of honor. Don’t you remember the grade school tours?

AP: You’re from Cleveland. Please finish these lyrics: “Moon over Parma, bring my love to me tonight…..”

JG: “Guide her to Eastlake, underneath your silvery light….”

AP: Which is the better state motto for Ohio? “With God, All Things Are Possible” or “The State You Drive Through To Get To Pennsylvania Or Indiana”?

JG: As much as I love my hometown, you’ll notice that I moved away as soon as I could afford it…

AP: Do you like movies about gladiators?

JG: Love them, and don’t call me Shirley.

AP: Joe Piasecki and Carl Kozlowski are building a house. Joe is putting on the siding. He picks up a nail, hammers it in. Picks up another nail, throws it away. Picks up a nail, hammers it in. Picks up another, throws it away. This goes on for a while, and finally Carl comes over and asks him why he is throwing half of the nails away. He replies, “Those ones were pointed on the wrong end.” Carl gets exasperated and says “You idiot, those are for the other side of the house!”

JG: (silent)

AP: How many phone calls per day do you get from people about Jim Laris?

JG: From people? From people? No, none from people.

AP: Have you met Councilman Steve Madison yet? Be careful, I read somewhere he’s kind of a douche.

JG: No, but I was a fan of dolly madison. And you must admit that “steve madison” is a killer name, like “max power”

AP: True or false: Nobody knows the name of the actor who voiced KITT on “Knight Rider” - so they just call him KITT or that Doctor from St. Elsewhere or Mr. Feeney from “Boy Meets Wolrd”.

JG: yes

AP: Have you ever heard the wolf cry to the blue corn moon?

JG: Not yet, but I’ve seen the boxer pup eat the nice couch.

AP: What are some new and exciting things that the future holds for the PW?

JG: we’ve not lost one subscriber yet and once this buzz about the internet dies down we’ll really show ‘em. actually we will be announcing some news shortly as pasadena weekly is about to get even better

AP: Which Pasadena celebrity would you like to meet? Marlee Matlin, John C. Reilly, or Bull from “Night Court”?

JG: Marlee for sure but how ’bout diamond dave?

**

According to the shell of its former self Star-News, plans in preparation for a massive earthquake drill were unveiled on Wednesday at the USGS here in Pasadena:

And it is a scenario that we can expect with near certainty in the next 20 years, according to U.S. Geological Survey scientists, who on Wednesday used a recent study of the effects of a magnitude-7.8 quake on the San Andreas Fault to announce plans for the “Great Southern California ShakeOut,” the biggest earthquake drill in U.S. history.

“An enormous earthquake is definitely in our future,” said Lucile Jones, chief scientist for the USGS Multi-Hazards Project, speaking during a news conference at Caltech that drew civil and public safety officials from throughout the Southland.

“ShakeOut is a chance for all of us to practice together what we will do when the earthquake happens, and to get ready now rather than waiting until the earthquake to act,” she said.

The ShakeOut drill will begin at 10 a.m. Nov. 13, when a hypothetical magnitude-7.8 quake will hit the southern San Andreas Fault.

Scary stuff.  I’ve never personally been in a major earthquake before.  Have been a few little ones here and there, but nothing big time.

Couple quick questions, though.

1.  What if the “big one” happens before November 13th?

2.  Where’s all the looting going to happen in Pasadena? I need a new television.

3.  How come nobody is saying that maybe, just maybe, we should keep a gun handy in case people get out of hand?

Seriously.  I mean, I’m all down for practicing escape drills - in fact, Kelli and I already have a master plan for whenever this big one goes down.  But what about the aftermath?  Ya know, when police and firefighters and ambulances can’t get to you right away?  What if the gangs and Muir students we have in Pasadena decide they want to start looting, raping, and pillaging? This is serious shit, Pasadena - you’d better wake-up and realize that everything isn’t going to be a Larry Wilson afternoon tea when The Big One hits.  I know people and yes, even in Pasadena, people are going to act retarded and try to pull some serious stupid shit.

The police will be too busy saving Old Town and making sure Steve Madison’s Maserati didn’t get destroyed.  Victor Gordo will rip into 5 days worth of Pasadena’s food supply.  I’ll have to defend myself and my loved ones…so…yeah, where’s the mention of any of that?

I’m just sayin’.

Have a safe weekend.

- AP

You know, it’s things like that are the reason why all the other 49 States think we’re insane.   I mean, I know State Senator Jack Scott is getting older by the second and therefore losing his mind - but - banning mylar balloons?  Yeah, it’s not illegal drugs or gangs or the lack of decorum in our world that people are talking about - it’s those mylar balloons you can get for 59 cents at the Dollar Store.

The first time I read about this story, I thought maybe it was a joke or maybe it was something that was going to swept under the rug.  Not so, according to Fred “Why Should I Have To Do Anything? I’m Only A Reporter For Another Two Weeks” Ortega.

It’s like I’ve been saying since the smoking ban, though.  They’re trying to impose these draconian laws on little things that most people will just overlook or never hear about…at first.

Jack Scott is losing his mind… 

If we’re going to start banning things in this state because they’re harmful to others or just plain annoying - why don’t we ban cars, too?  Oh, that’s right, too many fucking people would be in an uproar about that one.  I mean, all that smog you see in the sky isn’t from people smoking cigarettes or letting mylar balloons into the sky.  Let’s try to ban people from driving cars in Old Town and see what happens.  All the statistics that prove how much pollution cars make will be quelled by people saying “But I NEED to drive my car!”

All the people that come out and support bans like these won’t be saying or doing anything in favor of banning cars.  All these people who say how important it is to protect the environment, etc.

Just goes to show how unfair and retarded these so-called “progressives” are becoming.

**

A very Happy June to all my fans and friends out there, by the way.  The Most Electrifying Man In Pasadena hasn’t forgotten about The Aaron Proctor Interview Series.  There have just been so many other things going on and people are taking so long to get back to The Proc.

Not so for Charles Hahn.  Don’t know who he is?  Well, you should.  He’s wants to be the next Congressman in the 29th, currently a position held by the popular Adam Schiff.  If he is going to go from “longshot dark horse” to “interesting challenger”, he’s going to have to take his place in the Interview Series.

The Proc:  What changes would you bring to the Two-Nine?

Charles Hahn: There need to be changes? What? Where was I when that happened? In all seriousness, we need to get rid of the Inheritance Tax, fix health care by allowing doctors to make decisions and cutting all the legal red tape, pass the Social Security Fairness Act so that teachers can get their fair share, and allow for a $250 tax credit for anyone who saves an animal from the pound so that our cities can save money by not having to constantly look after an ever growing pet population.

The Proc:  How’s your golf game?

CH: Terrible.

The Proc:  Why do people like Adam Schiff so much?  He’s not so tough.

CH: He plays golf better than I do.

The Proc:  You’re a blackbelt in a few different styles of martial arts.  I have a pro-wrestling background.  Want to have a steel cage match?

CH: Bring it on!

The Proc:  Your website also says your favorite food is cheeseburgers.  Can you help bring a Wendy’s to Pasadena?

CH: Unfortunately, I am no longer able to do that as I have now renewed my commitment to animal rights.

The Proc:  End the rumors now that you’re not related to the former Mayor of LA.

CH:  Well, Kenneth Hahn and my own father looked so much alike I could hardly tell them apart.

The Proc:  Do you ever confuse Adam Schiff with the character Adam Schiff from Law & Order?

CH: I may be a politician, but I’m not that dumb.

The Proc:  Ever meet Pasadena Councilman Steve Madison?

CH: I suppose so. Is he the one that is also related to ex-Mayor Hahn?

The Proc:  Why do bands like KISS always do a “final tour” only to reunite like..2 years later?

CH: Like you even need to ask…for the free McDonald’s for life.

The Proc:  How long before people like Pelosi end up getting a hammer and sickle on the California flag?

CH: Pretty soon. I hear the proposal is getting a good response in Sacramento.

The Proc:  Hanna-Barbera time.  Top Cat or Snagglepuss?

CH: Top Cat

The Proc:  I saw you at the Pasadena Republican Club (PRC) dinner.  Didn’t the salad there suck?

CH: I can only say that the PRC are great volunteers and activists in the community.

The Proc:  Do you think Jon Arbuckle could hear Garfield talking or is it just Garfield’s inner monologue?

CH: That is one of the great philosophical questions of our time. It ranks right up there with if a tree falls on John Arbuckle and nobody hears him scream, did he travel to the 4th dimension or is it a reflection of his own psyche?

The Proc:  What should I tell people when they cringe that I’m a Republican?

CH: If you value the right to freely speak, think, and act within the bounds of the law, then the word “Republican” should not make you cringe.  True Republicans believe that a person is best when he is allowed to live his life using only his own moral compass of truth and commonsense as his guide. Why should that make anyone cringe, when those are the ideas for which our Founding Fathers argued?

The Proc:   I think we should protect our borders by just sending me down to Mexico or up to Canada with my video camera.  I could insult anyone who tries to cross so badly they won’t want to come to America.

CH: Perhaps. But what would be most effective is to translate all the books into Spanish and French (for our Canadian friends in Quebec) that extremists in this country publish that go on and on about how horrible America is. People would think twice about coming here if they read those books.

The Proc:   There aren’t any streets or mountains or parks named after me - what are you going to do about that?

CH: Well, donate to my campaign and we’ll see. But remember–I DON’T do any quid pro quo!
It’s nice when I meet politicians with a sense of humor.  Oh - and - don’t forget to vote tomorrow.  Click here to find your polling place.

I’m off to go figure out how to ban skinny blonde bitches in those oversized Paris Hilton sunglasses from walking 20 feet within my presence because they annoy me.

Be seeing you,

- AP

I was having some fun the other day, so I mailed this stick figure drawing to Mayor Bill Bogaard:

The bubble reads “I don’t think this is too appropriate, Mr. Proctor” 

A few days later, I got this reply from the Man Himself (and yes, it was actually from the Mayor and not one of his assistants). I don’t think he liked the drawing too much:

**

I don’t know if a lot of you are aware of this but our favorite District 6 Councilman, Steve “Maserati” Madison is apparently going to be phoning in to City Council meetings for the next month or two because he’s going to be out of town for business-related purposes (not Pasadena-related purposes).

Steve, whose absence from the big smoking meeting was really suspect, phoned in to this past Monday’s game of grab ass between PUSD and the Council. According to Victor Gordo, he’s going to be doing this for quite some time and, again according to El Pollo Gordo, it totally counts as if Steve were in the room with his stupid lavender ties and boxes he brings from his law firm.

Am I the only person who has a problem with this? Sure it helps that I don’t like Madison, like, at all - but still - I mean…in the words of “Arrested Development’s” G.O.B. Bluth: “COME ON!”

Steve is going to be away apparently on some type of assignment or case or cocaine run or whatever for his law firm, Quinn Emanuel. I know the guy has kids and an ex-wife to feed and that “paltry” $1200 a month stipend he gets for being a Councilman isn’t enough..but seriously? Madison was a former Federal Prosuector. Dude also got like $6 million in some case against Occidental College. He doesn’t have money piled up for emergencies or anything? (save for buying a Maserati, of course).

Gordo said that if we didn’t let people work full-time, we’d only be electing rich, old retired people (like Tyler & Bogaard) to Council. I guess Gordo forgets that there’s working people who run for office, too. Like me. Give me $1200 a month and watch that shit stretch. I don’t even think I make $1200 a month now.

I’m not knocking the guy for being successful - I think people in this country are often penalized too harshly for being successful. But being successful also doesn’t mean you have to be a dick. Madison’s priorities are obviously this: 1. Steve Madison, 2. Pasadena. I’m sorry, but the second you take that oath of office, your #1 priority is your District and your Community. I don’t care what kind of fancy-schmancy lawyer you are. You don’t have time to serve the community? You just want to literally “phone it in” every Monday? Then don’t be a fucking Councilman.

I don’t think phone-ins to City Council should count as being there. I mean, imagine the shit Jacque Robinson would be getting if she was calling in from home every week while eating a bowl of cereal in her She-Ra pajamas, watching “McMillian & Wife” on mute. Imagine if you told your boss that you’d be staying home or going elsewhere every Monday but you’d be “phoning in” from work. You’d be fired, right?
There is no such thing as a part-time Councilman. I really think we should get the ball rolling to recall this guy and get someone up there who is going to serve their community. I mean, I don’t even live in District 6, but this isn’t right for the City of Pasadena. This dude wants to run for Mayor in 2011 if Bogaard doesn’t run?! He’s got to be out of his damn mind.

Let’s recall his Maserati driving ass. In the meanwhile, Steve, you’re this week’s proud recipient of….you guessed it…the Ham And Egger Award:

Bon appetit, assclown.

**

I haven’t done a Top Ten List in a while, huh? Here’s one for you all to enjoy:

TOP TEN REJECTED AARON PROCTOR TOP TEN LISTS

10. Top Ten Pasadena Street Names With The Words Sierra, Madre, or Villa
9. Top Ten Things I’ve Seen Carved Into The Seat In Front Of Me On The 181 Bus
8. Top Ten Joe Hopkins Pick Up Lines
7. The Other Top Ten Stupid-Ass Things Dennis Farina Has Done
6. Top Ten Dreams I’ve Had About Margaret McAustin
5. Top Ten Things In My Refrigerator
4. Top Ten Pasadena City Council Porn Movie Titles
3. Top Ten Ways I’d Beat Some Sense Into Fred Ortega
2. Top Ten Flavors Of Baskin-Robbins I’d Fill The Stanley Cup With
1. Top Ten Armenian Variations Of The Phrase “Hey Bro”
**

The Aaron Proctor Interview Series rocks with Bill Bibbiani today. Bill is a former member of the PUSD School Board and is now just retired and chillin’ up in North Pasadena Heights. The Proc met with “Bib” and he graciously took on The Most Electrifying Man In Pasadena’s line of questioning:

The Proc: What have you been up to?

Bill Bibbiani: I know it sounds like a bad country song but my life now revolves around grandkids, gardening and old British motorcycles.  I’m also a devoted follower of buspirates.com.

The Proc: I heard you were an English teacher. You ever read “The Outsiders” by S.E. Hinton? Stay gold, Pony Boy.

Bib: No, but I have been a semicolon for 30 years.

The Proc: If Billy has 3 pencils and Johnny has 2 pencils, how higher are taxes are going to go so they can have 5 pencils a piece?

Bib: They both have too many pencils. If the GOP wins again in November, they will be
confiscated or pawned.

The Proc: You like motorcycles. Do you ever act like you’re in the movie “Easy Rider“?

Bib: More like Two Lane Blacktop or The Wild One. The only scene I recall in Easy Rider was the poor bastard hippies walking in circles scattering seeds on rocks somewhere in New Mexico. Btw, the difference between a bastard and a poor bastard is that a poor bastard has a kind heart.

The Proc: Remember that chick who ran against you with the Russian accent? Didn’t she sound like Natasha from “Rocky & Bullwinkle“?

Bib: Yes, but she is very smart.

The Proc: Do you get free zuccini bread from PUSD board member Bob Harrison now?

Bib: I won’t go there …

The Proc: Let’s grab a beer. I’ll buy if you fly.

Bib: Just walk down the hill and pick up a six pack at Rite Aid. We can sit in my back yard and admire my tomatoes and Nortons. I’ll be the godfather and if you catch her in the right mood, Janet might feed you.

(The Proc’s note: I no longer live up the hill from Bibbiani)

The Proc: Aren’t you glad you’re not part of the train wreck known as PUSD any more?

Bib: Yes, but it’s more of a shipwreck and they’re still moving the deck chairs.

The Proc: Do you think Barney Rubble was a bad influence on Fred Flinstone?

Bib: Everyone needs a willing Stooge.

The Proc: Has a kid ever given you an apple and you said “Screw this, where’s my bourbon”?

Bib: Never got an apple or any other gift but I was the recipient of some amazing threats. For example, “we bomb your house and drag your name in the gutterrrrrrrrrr.” from a family whose son could not pass the profiency test that I wrote. My response to them was their son Hrant was “You can Hrant and Hrave all you want but he still doesn’t pass.”

The Proc: Which was more boring? “War and Peace” or the The Kahlenberg Report?

Bib: This is a hard one. War and Peace was an easier read.

The Proc: Isn’t this smoking ban pretty lame?

Bib: Yes, although I’ve never had cigarette in my life. Even my hippie friends stopped offering stuff in the ’60s because I simply do not know how to smoke. I’d either burn my lips or choke on the smoke.

The Proc: Gonna run for office again?

Bib: No. But, my 400 member motorcycle club has been compared to Cuba in a national bike magazine because… “it’s run by a bearded dictator, has no elections and fewer rules and depends on old vehicles.”

The Proc: Favorite candy bar as a kid?

Bib: Almond Joy

The Proc: I think Ed Honowitz is trying to steal your hair style.

Bib: Haven’t noticed. I lost my hair for religious reasons. Repeated slaps to my forehead while muttering “Jaysuss” have worn all the hair off the front and top.

The Proc: Remember that guy Steve Madison?

Bib: Who? (Wasn’t he one of the two members who did not endorse me in the last election?)

The Proc: Isn’t it awesome when Von’s has Double Coupons and then you have more coupons from the LA Times and then when you go to the store, your total is
orginially like $250 but you walk out of there paying $95?

Bib: I just think it is a sad commentary on the times.

**

Bib is a fun guy and I really wish he had won re-election last year. However, it seems like he’s enjoying not being anywhere near the PUSD sinkhole - so good on him.

Be seeing you and don’t forget to send in your rules for the City Council Drinking Game and questions for Dear Mr. Proc.

- AP

Because it’s just plain fun picking on South Pasadena (and messing with their Wikipedia article isn’t enough), Kelli and I drove down there yesterday and I had some fun - or as much fun as one can have in South Pasadena. Check out the video here. Can’t hide that Pasadena pride.

**

Dormitas has an excellent blow-by-blow account of Monday’s joint City Council & PUSD School Board gladhanding meeting. According to Dormitas, it was very much unlike an actual meeting and not quite unlike a circle jerk.

Our leaders have now had two, count them, two meetings in a row that are wastes of taxpayers’ time and money. They should all give back their monthly stipends after that game of grab-ass they had on Monday.

By simply reading a blow-by-blow and not even seeing one second of video footage of the meeting, I can tell you what happened. PUSD and City Council kissed each other’s asses so much that all of the Walgreen’s in a 5 square mile radius are still sold out of Chap Stick. People asked for money that don’t deserve it. Someone (this time it was Interim CM Barney Melekian) tried to mention we should be talking about other things and nobody else listened.

I know I’ve said this before but I’ll say it again: Stop fucking giving PUSD money. Just stop. Just fucking stop.

Let’s put it in perspective. Say you were performing poorly at your job. Your yearly review came up and your boss said “Listen, you, you’re not performing well enough to get a raise. I am not going to fire you but you’re not getting that raise until you become more productive and more reliable.”

Well, that’s what we should do with PUSD. Just cut off everything. Any money they ask for, just say “Fuck you, get better grades.” Money for a fair that will just raise money so the teachers can spend it at Target on “school supplies” (since when was “The Best of Robbie Williams” a school supply?): “Fuck you, start performing like a school should.” Besides, aren’t they trying to get $15,000 from a failed school? That’s new textbooks right there, idiots.

The people who really care will work hard to get that money and they’ll get it when they can prove they’re not failing us as an entity. Give a man a fish, he’ll expect the government to do everything for him (and then cry “racism” when they stop doing so).
And if they don’t improve, just give them up to the state like a 16 year old girl would do with the lovechild she had with the quarterback of the JV football team. Put PUSD up for adoption. Except, PUSD is that really ugly red-haired kid with freckles that you can totally tell looks like the kid from “Problem Child” and you don’t want burning down your house. San Marino’s retarded little sister.

They always say “Money doesn’t buy happiness”. Save me money in taxes and watch me smile.

**

A quick shout out to the Foothill Cities blog. A debate between two commenters (Firefox says that isn’t a word) is rapidly approaching. The subject? Prop 98 vs. Prop 99. The battle between the intelligent people who support Prop 98 and the people who want to ruin our neighborhoods that support Prop 99.

**

Brian Fuller Doesn’t Look Like He’s About To Shoot Stacks Edwards

As I discussed the other day, Brian Fuller is running for the 44th district in the State Assembly against long-time Assembly Don, Anthony “Fat Tony” Portantino.

Since the election is coming up (June 3rd), The Proc decided to sit down with Brian Fuller (who refuses to let me call him “Bri-Bri”) and ask him some important questions. Hopefully this will not only lead to a) more votes but b) a way for you to get to know him, since the biased local media doesn’t give a shit about him since he’s, ya know, a Republican. The Aaron Proctor Interview Series continues!
The Proc: Who the heck are you?

Brian Fuller: I am a local citizen who is tired of the same old song in Sacramento. I am a 30 year old who is a 7th generation Californian born in Pasadena who wants to see this beloved state pull out of its nosedive. I have lived in Altadena just about all those 30 years save for college years at USC. Before USC, I was a Spartan at La Cañada High School where I excelled in history and geography; lettering in varsity swimming. I have moved beyond school and find myself working as a computer consultant. For five years I worked as a computer consultant to many in the music and fash