The Adventures of Aaron Proctor

The Star-Spangled Banner

O! say can you see by the dawn’s early light
What so proudly we hailed at the twilight’s last gleaming.
Whose broad stripes and bright stars through the perilous fight,
O’er the ramparts we watched were so gallantly streaming.
And the rockets’ red glare, the bombs bursting in air,
Gave proof through the night that our flag was still there.
Oh, say does that star-spangled banner yet wave
O’er the land of the free and the home of the brave?On the shore, dimly seen through the mists of the deep,
Where the foe’s haughty host in dread silence reposes,
What is that which the breeze, o’er the towering steep,
As it fitfully blows, half conceals, half discloses?
Now it catches the gleam of the morning’s first beam,
In full glory reflected now shines in the stream:
‘Tis the star-spangled banner! Oh long may it wave
O’er the land of the free and the home of the brave!And where is that band who so vauntingly swore
That the havoc of war and the battle’s confusion,
A home and a country should leave us no more!
Their blood has washed out their foul footsteps’ pollution.
No refuge could save the hireling and slave
From the terror of flight, or the gloom of the grave:
And the star-spangled banner in triumph doth wave
O’er the land of the free and the home of the brave!O! thus be it ever, when freemen shall stand
Between their loved home and the war’s desolation!
Blest with victory and peace, may the heav’n rescued land
Praise the Power that hath made and preserved us a nation.
Then conquer we must, when our cause it is just,
And this be our motto: ‘In God is our trust.’
And the star-spangled banner in triumph shall wave
O’er the land of the free and the home of the brave!

Happy 4th of July! America’s birthday! My favorite holiday - after all, I’m from where it all began. Let’s celebrate the greatest country in the world..a country that allows me (and others) the right to make an ass out of myself day in and day out. U-S-A! U-S-A! I’ll be celebrating with Kelli tonight - checking out the amazing Rose Bowl fireworks - the largest fireworks display in Southern California. It’s no Penn’s Landing, but it’s pretty damn close.

Now I was in a good, uber-patriotic mood this morning. Until I saw the cover of the LA City Beat - a paper published by Southland Publishing (also owner of the PW but NOT affiliated with this website and vice versa). I’m not posting the picture of the cover here because it’s absolutely disgusting, disgraceful, saddening, and extremely Anti-American.

I’ve been harboring contempt for City Beat for quite some time. Every week it’s more and more hipster America-bashing - particularly by someone who calls themslves “Commie Girl” and thinks that’s cool or something. It’s so fucking “cool” to hate on America these days - yet these people would be missing it quite quickly if they moved to Canada or the UK or wherever. I guess those tattooed and pierced dregs of society they’ve got over there are grasping at straws while trying to figure out how to make people care about them like people care about the LA Weekly (not that I care about that paper, either - actually I think most people read the LA Weekly to get $5 off of nightclub covers).

I’m sick and tired of people like her - she’s actually the FUCKING EDITOR OF THE NEWSPAPER. I’m sick and tired of people thinking that just because you love America, just because you’re happy to live in a country with its many positives (and many follies), you’re some beer-swilling redneck who watches NASCAR. I love America and I’m proud to live here and I’m not embarrassed or ashamed to admit that. I don’t think someone should be admitting they love the country they’re in. There’s NOTHING WRONG with being patriotic.

Even some hot people hate America…

This chick should be happy she lives in a country which allows her the freedom to criticize our country and to bash it day in and day out. Instead, she proudly calls herself the same title that a freedom-less country like China calls itself: a Commie. What a horrible thing to do on the 4th of July - the day that our country began its great journey to allow you to print such trite and insignificant crap each week. Thankfully, the Constitution also allows me to berate your horrible excuse for a column and opinion into the next century.

Rebecca Schoenkopf (sounds like a Nazi last name to me..) - you get a special July 4th Ham And Egger Award. It’s what our forefathers would have wanted. I’m ashamed to even be loosely connected to you through work. I wish I could give you a one-way ticket to China or Cuba, since you pride yourself on the whole Communist thing. I’m sure you’ll be staring at the fireworks from wherever you are, drinking a beer, and having a good time….trying to make us all think you’ll be staying indoors, hating the country which allows you the freedoms to write like the Anti-American that you are, smoking some marijuana while in your Che Guevara t-shirt, watching “Loose Change“, and blaring “music” from Rage Against The Machine. Get the fuck out of here with that bullshit.
I also e-mailed her and you can do the same at this link:

This week’s CityBeat cover is disgusting, saddening, and offends me as an
American.

Why is it so horrible to love America any more?

- Aaron Proctor
Pasadena, CA
http://www.proctorformayor.com

By the way - if you were looking to increase readership with a half-assed-Photoshopped cover used for “shock value”, it was a pretty counterproductive effort. All you did was further the hipster America-hating - the embarrassing portrait of what everyone else thinks all Californians think and act like. You may have gained a few readers of that worthless and rebellious ilk - but you certainly lost one here (not that I ever really read your paper, more like glance through it and laugh because it’s probably put together by hipster white people who have dreadlocks and don’t shower for 3 days straight. Obama in `08, right?). Hating on America might be all the Hollywood rage but - to me - when you verbally and visually spit on our Nation, you’re spitting on me. You’re no worse than the terrorists you’re defending.

**

Well, some Communist bitch isn’t going to ruin my 4th of July. Here’s a brand new Top Ten List:

TOP TEN THINGS I LOVE ABOUT AMERICA

10. Disneyland

9. Conservative talk radio

8. Politics

7. The National Anthem
6. Burger King
5. The “George Washington Bridge” song
4. John Philip Sousa
3. Baseball
2. Professional wrestling
1. Freedom

**

Pasadena PIO Ann Erdman recently posted a photo of Pasadena Star-News reporter and blogger, Dan Abendschein:

I swear - if you give this guy a cigar and put on his sunglasses and more of a tan - he’d be:

Armando Alejandro Estrada!

**

I’ve always found this picture hilarious. It’s been floating around the Interwebs for years. It’s a picture of ABC 7’s Marc Brown talking about a rape suspect. Notice the sketch in the corner, though:

**

I like to send drawings to Mayor Bogaard. I think it annoys him. It cracks me up, though. Here’s my latest:

Be seeing you and Happy 4th! Now go enjoy Dusty Rhodes vs. Steve Corino from the good days of ECW.

- AP

Remember that movie “Snakes On A Plane“? Well, as you all have seen before, I occasionally like to send little drawings to the Mayor. Instead of trying to re-size the damn things to where they look horrible, I’ll just link my latest creation right here. You can enlarge it by left clicking. (That’s what she said).

**

There’s a reason why a guy like Joe Hopkins made it to my list of The Ten People Ruining Pasadena. He’s fucking insane! Here’s an excerpt from his editorial last week… It’s your standard “conservative media” rant - when I can’t find a single news outlet or paper in this area that’s touting McCain the way he’s describing:

The conservatives want to talk about Barack’s race but they don’t want to talk about McCain’s age. They want to call McCain a war hero because he was shot down while piloting a bomber in Vietnam. What’s so heroic about dropping bombs from the sky on innocent Vietnamese people?

Yep. McCain’s old. We know this. You’re getting up there in years, too, Joe. I know this one dude who ran against someone and had an argument about that opponent’s age - trying to make the opponent’s age a negative. Remember when I called Bill Bogaard 170 years old? He beat me in a landslide. Age doesn’t really mean shit..except that younger people relate to a younger dude more - and then are too high/forgetful to wake up on Election Day and vote for the younger guy…AND… old people vote because a) they come from a generation that cared about voting, b) a lot of policy affects them more than affects us youngin’s and c) they have nothing else to do but play with Choo-Choo and Mitt-Mitt (their cats) and watch Huell Howser. (If you’re lucky, they don’t - d) - have a part-time job where they annoy the fuck out of you and don’t do any actual work)

I digress. I didn’t know you were a conservative, Joe? Because don’t you bring up race, and lately Barack’s race in general, every chance you get? Your whole paper is a big “Look at me! I’m black!” statement. Isn’t it guys like you that do the ol’ “we-don’t-want-to-make-this-election-about-race-but-we-actually-do” scenario? And by guys like you - I don’t mean African Americans..I mean every person who says “Hey - listen - I’m not gonna make this about race.” You just fucking made it about race by saying that! You know how you don’t make an argument about something: don’t bring up something!

And what the fuck…bombing & killing innocent Vietnamese people? Quit you’re cryin’ Ever hear of a little term called Collateral Damage? Here’s what Wikipedia says:

At least one source claims that the term “collateral damage” originated as a euphemism during the Vietnam War and can refer to friendly fire, or the killing of non-combatants and the destruction of their property.^[3]

Is that like the innocent people who died during the Civil War - I’m sure there had to be at least one person who didn’t have slaves or believed in slavery that lived in the Confederate states, right? It’s a war. People die. Children die. Little fluffy kittens die. People who don’t have anything to do with the war die. It sucks..but it happens. It’s not John McCain’s fault as much as it’s not John Kerry’s fault. Oh, but he’s white, so he’s the devil, too..I guess….

I’d have a lot more respect for you, Joe, if you stopped all of this bullshit and came right out and said it:

You’re voting for Obama because he’s black. That’s it. End of story. Lots of people are voting for him because he’s black (just as lots of people are voting against him because he’s black, for McCain cause he’s white, against McCain because he’s white, la la la…). And that’s fine - I mean, it’s stupid to vote for (or against) someone solely based on the color of their skin - but it’s your prerogative. I think you (and a lot of other people) should just come out and say it and quit your tired-ass charade. So…who’s the racist media again? Oh yeah, people like me. I forgot.

**

We’ve got a Ham And Egger Award winner this week already - thanks to the suggestion of another winner, Frank Girardot:

Monrovia Mayor Rob Hammond.

Rob Hammond is obviously acting like a jackass toward bloggers. With his knock on the blogosphere last week and failure to realize the great job guys like Frazgo and RCJP are doing in Monrovia - he deserves it well this week. Guys like him are a dime a dozen in Pasadena, they’re just a little bit more quiet about their views of the “Evil Blogosphere”.

He’s also built an empire based on driving fear into people who try and vote against him. I’ve heard stories of countless people who have supported other candidates getting “visits” from Hammond, basically threatening them with code violations and all sorts of other nonsense unless they support him.

The Proc says Hammond needs to know his role, shut his mouth, and eat his breakfast.

Hell, this guy even has Ham in his name. Might as well add some eggs. And - he has a crony named Dick Singer. I don’t even have to make a joke about his name (but I heard that he changed his last name from Head).

**

It looks like the Pasadena Star-Toilet Paper had their headline priorities straight yesterday:

Yes, Moe the Chimp is apparently missing (as of this writing - maybe they found him by now - but who the fuck cares?!). Why is this news, again? Screw the guy who got shot in Altadena, right? At least Girardot had the right idea to switching this pointless news to slightly less pointless news about CM Punk. I can’t believe I’m not making this shit up. Maybe Sid Tyler ate him?

(Note: Frank Girardot makes a good point about my screen-cap….in italics…..)

Ok legitimate.
But to be fair Aaron the shooting story is in the display sopt at the top
left hand corner of the page…where more people are going to see it and
read it…
Right?

TOP TEN NEWS STORIES I CARE ABOUT MORE THAN THE MISSING CHIMP

10. Mannie, Moe, and Jack. Which One’s A Coke Addict?

9. Proctor Gets Theme From “$25,000 Pyramid” Stuck In Everyone’s Head

8. Miss Havisham Misplaces Tea, Goes On Killing Spree, 12 Dead

7. South Pasadena Finally Realizes The Insanity Of Having Von’s Next To Pavillion’s

6. Who Put Chocolate In My Peanut Butter?

5. Joe Piasecki Completes Submarine With Screen Door

4. Holden To City: Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit

3. Sgt. Schultz Bludgeons Col. Hogan With Tripod

2. Larry Wilson Gives “Mamma Mia!” 5 Stars

1. Moe The Chimp: The Real DB Cooper

**

PEF…er….PUSD approved putting a $350,000,000 bond measure on this November’s Presidential election ballot last night. It was approved with 2/3 of the vote. The votes of approval came from Mike “I Look Like A Child Molester” Babcock, Bob “Zuccini Bread” Harrison, Barry Horowitz..I mean..Ed Honowitz, Tom “I Can’t Think Of A Nickname Or Likeness For Him Right Now” Selinske, and Scott Phelps - who - I can’t believe this - phoned it in…making him the school board’s brand new douchebag.

More from the lovely Mary Dee Romney:

At this afternoon’s special BOE meeting where the PEF/BOE majority approved a $350,000,000 general obligation bond for the PUSD, Supe Diaz alluded to the district’s unsavory past with Measure Y and vowed accountability for his *own* bond measure set for a vote in November.

Likewise, Mr. Brinkman affirmed his own personal support for the “accountability issue.”

If accountability is what Mr. Diaz and Mr. Brinkman profess, why did they fail to follow the customary Brown Act procedure of publishing staff reports to the district website prior to this afternoon’s public BOE meeting?

Why were the only two Facilities Master Plan Committee members speaking from the podium recommending against the bond proposal?

Why was the tax-paying public left dependent upon the scanning efforts of Rene Amy and the Greatschools listserve to learn the details of a bond proposal described today by Mr. Lizardo as “a very significant action (and) weighty decision” (?)

It is clear the PEF/BOE is saddled up and ready to ride with the Gilroy cowboys, regardless of so-called “accountability.”

Pasadena Star-News has nothing about this. Of course they wouldn’t. I guess this isn’t news to them. What a shitty newspaper. I guess this isn’t a “big deal”, huh? I guess PUSD “can do no wrong”. Bullshit. I can’t wait to see how they spin this - just like people spun Measure D and lied to everyone. Can’t wait to see what City Council thinks of this nonsense.

PUSD might think they’re fooling people by putting this on November’s ballot so half the people who are voting for President will vote “Yes” on this - but they’re not. I’m going to make sure everyone knows about this crock of a bond measure and make sure people vote no on it. It’s my job…not just as a citizen of Pasadena who actually gives a damn…but as the Most Electrifying Man In Pasadena (and your role model), The Proc.

**

The Altadenablog recently had a 5-day crusade to make sure they were linked on Dave Atlantic’s Under The Dome blog.

Today is the first day of my crusade against Altadenablog. It’s called the “Fix My Fucking Link” crusade. You see, they have a very nice section of links that’s quite put together. Except the URL that you get when you click on the link to my site is West Coast Grrlie Blather. Kelly-With-A-Y is cool and all..but it’d be nice if that link actually went to my site. So yeah, fix my fucking link

**

Be seeing you,

- AP

Well, if you haven’t read or heard by now - there’s some big news in The Proc’s City. I now have a weekly column (of sorts) in the brand new, redesigned Pasadena Weekly called “5 Questions“. It’s basically a shorter, nicer, more appropriate version of the Aaron Proctor Interview Series - in fact, you could call it “The Aaron Proctor Interview Series Evolved”. It’s right next to the table of contents.

Kelli & I At Castle Green This Past Thursday For The PW Relaunch Party - More Pics Soon! (Photo by Michael Nagami)

In my first column, I talk to the man, the myth, the legend, the guy who whipped my ass in the 2007 election: Mayor Bill Bogaard. As of writing, it’s not up on the website yet but pick up a Pasadena Weekly wherever you can and check it out! Next week’s guest will be even more interesting, I promise.

WCGB has also given me some blather love - as she tries to figure out what I’m all about at this link.

**

Yesterday, I talked about how rapper The Game visited John Muir High School to “mentor the troubled youth” as well as put the High back in High School.

Well, Frank Girardot has an excellent column in the PSN (Yeah, you heard me - an actual excellent column in the PSN) and on his blog. Frank, now known on the streets as “The Scene“, has made some comments that are simply priceless (plus he gets bonus points for making a reference in the title to the other guy known as The Game…)

I hoped to ask Pasadena school Superintendent Edwin Diaz if “The Game” held similarly lofty goals for the children and teens of Pasadena.

I wanted to ask, “Why ‘The Game?’

“Why not City Councilwoman Jacque Robinson? Why not potential First Lady Michelle Obama? Why not Powell? Why not U.S. Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas? Why not former Deputy District Attorney Chris Darden? Why not former Pasadena police Lt. Rick Law?

“Why not one of the thousands of successful black men and women who live or work in Pasadena every day?”

Unfortunately I didn’t get a call back. It was graduation day for about 60 percent of the kids who started there as freshmen four years ago.

The other 40 percent?

Probably off somewhere listening to “The Game.”

The Game. Rapper. Gangsta. Role Model For Your Kids.

This is why I think Girardot rocks. Seriously….what the fuck was PUSD thinking on this one? Edwin Diaz might not return phone calls to “The Scene” - but he does return phone calls to The Proc. I’ve obtained a shortlist of people Edwin has lined up to speak to John Muir High School students in the future. Let’s just say that future isn’t so bright…:

TOP TEN FUTURE SPEAKERS AT JOHN MUIR HIGH SCHOOL

10. OJ Simpson

9. Fucky, The Jaywalking Dinosaur

8. Chris Holden (Just supposed to say “shiiiiit” and then leave)

7. Tonya Harding

6. Some chick Aaron Proctor banged

5. Billy The Crackhead

4. Virginia Hoge

3. Chris Benoit

2. The Dyanmic Duo of Joe Piasecki & Carl Kozlowski

1. John Whitaker

Like Frank said, there’s a zillion other people they could have obtained to speak to kids - people who lead better lives and who have made something from strife and struggle. This is some lame attempt to “connect” with the youth and show us that PUSD and the people in charge of it aren’t out of touch with the times. Nice try. While the kids went home and told all their friends on the MySpace and the Facebook how The Game came to their school - I’m sure none went home with any kind of message or lesson learned. Is that how you reinvent the Mighty Mustangs?

I’ve never done this before…but this calls for very bitter pill. And, no, I’m not calling Joe Hopkins. He hasn’t listened to rap music since 1992.

Edwin Diaz, you’re the 2nd Ham And Egger of the week. I think I’ll actually write “You’re a fucking dumb ass” on the award, too. Or maybe I’ll quote some lyrics from your aforementioned favorite musician:

We runnin’ through summers
in dual hummers
and tell them my crew coming for war

Edwin - what I’m trying to say is that you’ve just got some ham & eggs all up in your grill, son. And if all you wanted was to get someone to tell the kids to ’stay alive’, you could have got the member of the Bee Gees who is still alive for a much cheaper price.

Dormitas and Del Apres-Ski (who is finally blogging!) also chime in on this thing, including Del’s note that The Scene and some dude got into it a little bit about this whole ordeal.

**

What’s a week without some All-American Sid Tyler Facts? Here we go….

• Sid Tyler’s favorite cereal is Kellogg’s Nails `N Gravel
• The brand new Dirty Harry DVD boxset is known in some circles as “The Sid Tyler Story”
• Sid Tyler is the last digit of Pi.
• Sid Tyler plays racquetball with a waffle iron and a bowling ball.
• Sid Tyler called me yesterday and said “Between you, me, and my fists, Virginia Hoge is a cunt.”
• Someone once gave Sid Tyler a pencil with an eraser. It’s not nice (or smart) to insult the man like that.
• The Internet was the only place one could hide from Sid….. until he got America Online.
• Sid Tyler is actually all of the “100 people surveyed” on Family Feud.
• Sid Tyler once bought Chuck Norris a beer. Hey, he can be a nice guy once in a while.
• Aliens do exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Sid Tyler is on.

Be seeing you…and remember:

- AP

It’s time for the debut of my new weekly comic strip, “You Can’t Fight City Hall!”

**

Gay marriage is going to be something we’ll be all talking about heavily until November since there’s going to be another ballot measure here in California by then to quell the same-sex marriages that will begin happening here later this month, according to Reuters:

SAN FRANCISCO (Reuters) - U.S. opponents of gay marriage pushed their campaign on both coasts this week, setting it up as a potential hot-button issue in the November 4 elections around the country.

Activists said on Tuesday California was set for its biggest political battle in years after it was announced the November ballot would include a constitutional amendment limiting marriage to unions between men and women.

Ok - so before any of you bleeding-heart, whiny, mamby-pamby, pussy liberals out there start saying “PROCTOR’S AGAINST GAY MARRIAGE AND HATES GAYS BECAUSE HE’S A REPUBLICAN!” - hear me out.

I am not against gay marriage and I certainly don’t hate gay people. Yeah, I give a certain Public Editor a lot of hell because I think he’s gay - but only because I think it’s kind of a dick move to get married, raise a family, and be gay on the side, ya know? Not nice at all. Plus, people have been saying that about this dude for years and years and years - I was just the first person to really publicly give him a hard time (that’s what he said?)

I’m totally fine with it (gays and gay marriage). I don’t care if two dudes or two chicks want to tie the knot (the latter sounding quite hot!) - if it makes them happy, rock on, the Constitution allows them to pursue their happiness. I honestly don’t think the government should be telling any of us who or who we can’t marry. I don’t believe in the IRS, so I don’t believe in marriage as a tax purpose, so I don’t care who’s gettin’ hitched.

Here’s my problem with the whole thing. Here’s what really pisses me off about this whole ordeal ever since the Supreme Court changed things back on May 15th:

In the year 2000, you guys here voted - with like 61% of the vote - that marriage is between a man and a woman. Proposition 22. The whole state voted. Yes, that means there are other places in California besides LA and San Francisco that might not be so gay-friendly or might like gays but think marriage is between a man and a woman. So grow a pair of balls, because, LA - you’re not too far behind on the “World’s Most Pussiest Cities” list with San Francisco leading the pack. Whatever the case, gay marriage was defeated with a sorta large majority.

8 years later, the Supreme Court goes “Ehhh, we don’t like that law” and overturns it.

You should be pretty pissed off…even if you support gay marriage, like I do. Why? Because the Supreme Court pretty much said “Fuck you, we don’t care how you voted, we’re overturning it”.

Remember Proposition 187? Boy did we get fucked on that one. We were going to stop wasting our money on giving illegal immigrants health care, social services, etc (something I believe we should NOT be wasting money on). It PASSED with 58.8% of the vote. Then, the court turned it over because it didn’t like it.

I mean, it’s like Kelli told me the other day - Kelli, someone who wasn’t too fond of or gave little attention to politics before she met me - “Why do they do it? Does our vote not count?” Seems that way sometimes, darling, seems that way.
To me, overturning ballot initiatives that people have already voted on means not only does our vote not count but we have a sour fucking grapes Hillary Clinton-esque sore loser of a Supreme Court in this State.

Pretty Communist to have all of your people vote on something only to overturn it with a big middle finger.

And everyone wonders why we’re the joke to the rest of the country? Because we’re too busy not letting votes count and complaining about infringing upon people’s personal freedoms like a dude’s right to marry another dude (or, I guess, an illegal’s right to rape our health & social care system?) - then we turn around and ban mylar balloons and smoking.

What a fucking joke.

**

According to the best blow-by-blow coverage of Council meetings in town, Dormitas’ blog, the Council wants to have a little retreat at the Rose Bowl on July 12th (the day after my birthday!).

Way to plan a surprise birthday guys. No, seriously, it was at the request of Maserati Madison. Bogaard said they were also going to invite their City Manager candidates. Wow - a retreat at the Rose Bowl for City Manager candidates? But I thought (whiny voice) little old Pasadena was just a wittle witty bitty town? (whiny voice off)

Well, one of my sources tells me what will be really going on at that retreat:

TOP TEN THINGS REALLY GOING ON AT JULY’S COUNCIL RETREAT

10. Council will be split in half and reenact the final seconds of the Boise State-Oklahoma Fiesta Bowl game from a couple of years ago
9. Building secret float for the Rose Parade entitled “What Have We Done For Pasadena Lately?”
8. Moonie weddings
7. More assgrabbing and gladhanding than you could shake a chap-stick at
6. Using Rose Bowl retreat as a diversion, it’s really just Councils once a year trip to Vegas.
5. Big World of Warcraft tournament for City Councils all across the Southland
4. Intervention for Victor Gordo’s weight problem
3. Once and for all, taking a weekend to “figure out what a blog is.”
2. Whatever they do, we know who will be phoning in
1. A huge orgy

**

Happy Wednesday.

Be seeing you,

- AP

The Proc ran into two celebrities yesterday in Old Town Pasadena. If you were a fan of the funniest comedy that was ever made, “Arrested Development“, you’ll enjoy these pictures of two of the show’s characters with The Noticeable One:

Me with Alia Shawkat. Alia played Maeby Funke on “Arrested Development”.

Me with Mae Whitman. She played Ann Veal on “Arrested Development”. You know…”Her?”

You know, not a day goes by where I don’t find myself referencing this show and it was really cool to run into two people who played on it. I swear, the corner down there near Delacey & Green St. is just a magnet for celebrities. They were both very nice people and I even asked Alia if a movie of the TV show was in the works. She said that she thinks they might be doing something but she wasn’t 100% sure.

Pasadena. Center Of The Universe.

**

Last week, we not only found out that Steve Madison is an actual dick in real life who sends his henchmen to comment for him on my website - we also found out that City Councilmembers don’t just get a monthly stipend of nearly $1400. They also get an extra $300 reimbursed for cell phones, an extra $5000 for computer equipment, and so on and so on.

There’s more to that list than meets the eye, though.

TOP TEN OTHER REIMBURSEMENTS RECEIVED BY CITY COUNCILMEMBERS

10. $1.35 so they can pretend like they take the MTA to work and just actually pocket the money for lottery tickets
9. $3.99 for the first minute, $2.99 each additional minute
8. Every third Maserati you buy is on the City.
7. Five. Five Dollar. Five Dollar Footlong.
6. $15 for condoms and mouthwash
5. $1 to beat up anyone caught singing “Seasons Of Love” from “Rent”
4. $500 for LA Clippers front row tickets (promptly given right back to the City)
3. Free one month Netflix trial
2. $25 for Sid Tyler “protection money”
1. $6000 so you can be “better than everyone else”

**

It’s time for number nine on my list of The Ten People Ruining Pasadena. #9 on the list is none other than owner of the Pasadena Journal, Joe Hopkins.

For some reason, Joe thinks he’s helping out the black community with his newspaper. It’s sad because he isn’t. Joe has a real, real precious opportunity which he constanly fucks up: he publishes a newspaper and can really get things out to a community that has been disillusioned and downtrodden for so long. However, he decides to instead “reach out” to black Pasadena by telling kids to stop listening to music that hasn’t been played anywhere since 1992. He also doesn’t concern himself where he is getting the word out - I’ve only actually seen his paper at liquor stores and beauty salons. (And when I do see his paper, it’s usually 3 or 4 weeks old…get some new route guys, Joe!)

Joe simply endorses candidates for office because they’re black. That’s it. That’s their only qualification in Joe’s eyes. If Jesus Christ were running against a black man, Joe Hopkins would be sitting there calling Jesus a big racist. He wanted every black person to drop out of last year’s District 1 Council race except one. if I were endorsing a candidate and said “I like the guy cause he’s white”, I’d be called a racist. There’s no “ok for one, not ok for the other” when it comes to race in my book.
Joe’s also a hypocrite. Obama is half-black. I’m half-black. Yet, Joe didn’t even list my name in people of African American descent who were running for office in the 2007 election. Gave him a phone call about that, he never returned it.

Then, Joe goes on and on in his newspaper how if you don’t like or vote for Obama, you’re a member of the KKK.

Joe wrote a book. It is called “I Will Not Apologize“. Then, when someone offends Joe, he wants them to apologize…but it’s ok if he doesn’t?

Every City, unfortunately, has someone like Joe Hopkins. It’s a shame - because the people that blacks should be listening to in Pasadena, people like Joe Brown of the NAACP, get overshadowed by this nutcase.

Joe Hopkins is ruining Pasadena for two main reasons. First, he’s spreading the wrong message to his community - a message full of hate and racism and everything that he says he despises. Secondly, being the way that he is, is counter-productive. To a not-so-bright white person, he makes it seem like he’s the voice of the entire African American community (e.g., stupid people think ‘Oh if Joe Hopkins thinks that, EVERY black person must think that’). Not a good thing to project, Joe, especially in a city like Pasadena.

There’s an old saying that you should never pick a fight with someone who buys ink by the barrel. Too bad Joe only buys it by the pint and wastes most of the ink he purchases.

So, Joe, I give you the honor of being #9 in my list of The Ten People Ruining Pasadena.

Be seeing you. Happy Wednesday.

- AP

That’s not just a TARDIS, that’s a TARDIS piggy bank. West Coast Grrlie Blather brought that back for me when she returned from her England excursion. It even lights up and talks like the 10th Doctor and plays the TARDIS sound after you put some change in. Rock on and thank you WCGB!

**

Yep, yep, that’s me as of this past weekend. Just decided to buzz the hair all off. It’s summer, first of all, and secondly - I actually look pretty damn good with hardly any hair. The more I distance myself from that mop of a hairdo I used to have, the better anyhow. I think I’ll keep it that way.

**

There’s going to be a new City Manager here in the Crown City soon, I’m hoping. Who it will be is another question. I just hope they’re ready for some of the hazing that goes on at City Hall. You didn’t know they participated in the time-honored, frat-boy tradition of hazing? Well, that’s what my sources tell me:

TOP TEN HAZING RITUALS FOR NEW EMPLOYEES AT CITY HALL

10. New employees are told the City Attorney’s last name is pronounced “Bag-nair-is”.

9. 20 blows to the head with Bogaard’s gavel

8. Every Monday, need to go to a tree outside of City Hall and pull their own switch by order of Sid Tyler
7. Make Ann Erdman’s coffee luke warm instead of piping hot and suffer the consequences
6. Have to listen to Victor Gordo recount his story of 4 touchdowns in one game at Pasadena High over and over and over again
5. Must complete mission of stealing all of the Human Relations Commission’s marijuana stash
4. Kind of like the season finale of The Office, one new employee a year is tricked into thinking that Steve Haderlein is mentally slow
3. Told that Joe Hopkins really likes it when he visits City Hall and you talk to him in 1970’s style jive
2. Install slip and slide on eastern side of 2nd floor.
1. Forced to go to a City Council meeting.

**

If I had a piano right now, I’d be playing “Nadia’s Theme.” More Madison drama over the weekend. Let’s keep everyone up to speed, shall we?

On Saturday, I posted my demands for the aforementioned Councilmember to either a) step down or b) give back his portion of his monthly stipend for meetings that are missed or phoned into for non-emergency purposes:

• I strongly feel that Mr. Madison is not serving his constituents or the City of Pasadena by phoning in to Council meetings time and time again, especially with the rumor going around that he’ll be gone for a month or two.
• I gave Mr. Madison the ultimatum that if he were to not step down in the next two weeks, I will begin working on drawing up petitions for his recall.
• I am further adding the following stipulations:
1. Mr. Madison, give back your portion of your monthly stipend to the City of Pasadena (or donate it to a legitimate charity and not something like the WPRA) every time you miss a meeting for your law firm and not for a family or other type of emergency.
2. Phoning in doesn’t count as being there. I don’t care what the City Council rules say.
3. Stop bringing your non-Council-related work into meetings and working on that while others are talking about things you don’t care about (pretty much everything).

Then I received a comment which I’m pretty sure is from Maserati Madison himself:

Mr. Madison goes out of town on business and, not wanting to shirk his duties as a public servant, calls in to participate in the council meeting so that District 6 constituents and all Pasadenans are represented. While most would call this dedication, Mr. Proctor considers it malfeasance. Mr. Proctor is being crushed by the weight of the gigantic chip on his shoulder. It’s OK to let this one go, sir.

I’m not sure if phoning it in is called “dedication” considering the slang term, “phoning it in” means someone isn’t giving their all, isn’t giving 100%. And grow some fucking testicles, Madison. Stop posting under anonymous names and just say you’re who you are. It’s all got the same result any way - you look like the same Maserati driving, stripper dating, giant donkey penis that I portray you to be on this website day in and day out.
The Councilmember position is a full-time position, well, at least I think so. Pasadena’s biggest “Sex In The City” fan and PSN Public Editor, Larry Wilson, chimes in over on the Foothill Cities side of the discussion:

would pasadena then be the smallest city in america with a full-time council? i believe it would be. only a relatively few large cities do that — or corrupt smaller cities. and the pay would be set at … what? and with these term limits in effect, a talented mid-career person would take off eight years from her or his job in hopes of returning to …? come on. even the california legislature should be part-time. and part-time paid. it passes too many laws as it is. to make a city council full-time is to invite the worst kind of chicanery.

Nothing like waking up in the morning to Larry Wilson’s drivel that makes you want to go back to bed…

Larry was mostly responding to someone else’s comment about making it a full-time, full-paid position - which I don’t agree with. Although, I do wonder if by “worst kind of chicanery“, he means that a full-time Council would pass laws that would actually make him write about something relevant and end his lame star fucking and name dropping in his editorials. However, to insinuate that a City Councilmember isn’t a full-time gig, regardless of the “pay scale” is just plain fucked up. It sounds like to me that Larry’s just standing up for his best friend and I’d be hard pressed to see if he’d do this for any other Councilperson. I wonder if Rick Cole is jealous?

Seriously, though, I’m sick of people using the whole cop out that Pasadena is a small city..and that’s what I said on the same blog:

And get “Pink Houses” by John Mellencamp off of repeat, Larry.

I’m sick of the Pasadena “Oh but we’re just a tiny small wittle town” cop out.

World-renowned events happen here all the time. How the hell are we just “another small town”? Oh wait, we’re just “Mayberry RFD” when it comes to letting anyone outside of our borders know that anything bad goes on here.

So, how come we’re big time Pasadena when the floats come through on New Year’s…but we’re small time Pasadena when Councilmembers are screwing up or someone is getting murdered in our Northwest (the part of the City that doesn’t exist during all of our world-renowned festivities)?

The whole point I’m trying to make here is this: you take an oath of office when you’re ELECTED by people to serve your community. You promise to defend the Constituions of California and the United States. You promise to be there for people. You don’t say “Well, I’ll do what I can, when I have time for it, when my current duties of being a lawyer/teacher/whatever are less important than the welfare of my constituents.” It’s not a fucking hobby.

Important decisions are to be made when you’re “multitasking”, doing your Quinn Emanuel work while sitting at the dais. I haven’t seen such god-damned blatant insolence and disregard for City government by any other Councilmember.

You know, if I were on City Council and I were missing meetings - Larry and Madison and all their limo liberal buddies would be calling for my resignation. But since it’s the “nice guy from West Pasadena”, it’s all o.k.?!

I’m quite certain I’m not the only person who cares about any of this. I know I keep repeating this - but look how many peeps called for Jacque Robinson to step down when she was missing meetings for Washington D.C. and Obama-related stuff? I guess that’s not o.k. but being a big time lawyer and forgetting that you were elected to serve a community is totally fine.

Just give the money back or step down, Steve. The ball is in your court and - after all of this - you’re going to need some balls. You have until May 31st.

**

Oh Lordy, I’ve got the vapors.

Be seeing you,

- AP

I was having some fun the other day, so I mailed this stick figure drawing to Mayor Bill Bogaard:

The bubble reads “I don’t think this is too appropriate, Mr. Proctor” 

A few days later, I got this reply from the Man Himself (and yes, it was actually from the Mayor and not one of his assistants). I don’t think he liked the drawing too much:

**

I don’t know if a lot of you are aware of this but our favorite District 6 Councilman, Steve “Maserati” Madison is apparently going to be phoning in to City Council meetings for the next month or two because he’s going to be out of town for business-related purposes (not Pasadena-related purposes).

Steve, whose absence from the big smoking meeting was really suspect, phoned in to this past Monday’s game of grab ass between PUSD and the Council. According to Victor Gordo, he’s going to be doing this for quite some time and, again according to El Pollo Gordo, it totally counts as if Steve were in the room with his stupid lavender ties and boxes he brings from his law firm.

Am I the only person who has a problem with this? Sure it helps that I don’t like Madison, like, at all - but still - I mean…in the words of “Arrested Development’s” G.O.B. Bluth: “COME ON!”

Steve is going to be away apparently on some type of assignment or case or cocaine run or whatever for his law firm, Quinn Emanuel. I know the guy has kids and an ex-wife to feed and that “paltry” $1200 a month stipend he gets for being a Councilman isn’t enough..but seriously? Madison was a former Federal Prosuector. Dude also got like $6 million in some case against Occidental College. He doesn’t have money piled up for emergencies or anything? (save for buying a Maserati, of course).

Gordo said that if we didn’t let people work full-time, we’d only be electing rich, old retired people (like Tyler & Bogaard) to Council. I guess Gordo forgets that there’s working people who run for office, too. Like me. Give me $1200 a month and watch that shit stretch. I don’t even think I make $1200 a month now.

I’m not knocking the guy for being successful - I think people in this country are often penalized too harshly for being successful. But being successful also doesn’t mean you have to be a dick. Madison’s priorities are obviously this: 1. Steve Madison, 2. Pasadena. I’m sorry, but the second you take that oath of office, your #1 priority is your District and your Community. I don’t care what kind of fancy-schmancy lawyer you are. You don’t have time to serve the community? You just want to literally “phone it in” every Monday? Then don’t be a fucking Councilman.

I don’t think phone-ins to City Council should count as being there. I mean, imagine the shit Jacque Robinson would be getting if she was calling in from home every week while eating a bowl of cereal in her She-Ra pajamas, watching “McMillian & Wife” on mute. Imagine if you told your boss that you’d be staying home or going elsewhere every Monday but you’d be “phoning in” from work. You’d be fired, right?
There is no such thing as a part-time Councilman. I really think we should get the ball rolling to recall this guy and get someone up there who is going to serve their community. I mean, I don’t even live in District 6, but this isn’t right for the City of Pasadena. This dude wants to run for Mayor in 2011 if Bogaard doesn’t run?! He’s got to be out of his damn mind.

Let’s recall his Maserati driving ass. In the meanwhile, Steve, you’re this week’s proud recipient of….you guessed it…the Ham And Egger Award:

Bon appetit, assclown.

**

I haven’t done a Top Ten List in a while, huh? Here’s one for you all to enjoy:

TOP TEN REJECTED AARON PROCTOR TOP TEN LISTS

10. Top Ten Pasadena Street Names With The Words Sierra, Madre, or Villa
9. Top Ten Things I’ve Seen Carved Into The Seat In Front Of Me On The 181 Bus
8. Top Ten Joe Hopkins Pick Up Lines
7. The Other Top Ten Stupid-Ass Things Dennis Farina Has Done
6. Top Ten Dreams I’ve Had About Margaret McAustin
5. Top Ten Things In My Refrigerator
4. Top Ten Pasadena City Council Porn Movie Titles
3. Top Ten Ways I’d Beat Some Sense Into Fred Ortega
2. Top Ten Flavors Of Baskin-Robbins I’d Fill The Stanley Cup With
1. Top Ten Armenian Variations Of The Phrase “Hey Bro”
**

The Aaron Proctor Interview Series rocks with Bill Bibbiani today. Bill is a former member of the PUSD School Board and is now just retired and chillin’ up in North Pasadena Heights. The Proc met with “Bib” and he graciously took on The Most Electrifying Man In Pasadena’s line of questioning:

The Proc: What have you been up to?

Bill Bibbiani: I know it sounds like a bad country song but my life now revolves around grandkids, gardening and old British motorcycles.  I’m also a devoted follower of buspirates.com.

The Proc: I heard you were an English teacher. You ever read “The Outsiders” by S.E. Hinton? Stay gold, Pony Boy.

Bib: No, but I have been a semicolon for 30 years.

The Proc: If Billy has 3 pencils and Johnny has 2 pencils, how higher are taxes are going to go so they can have 5 pencils a piece?

Bib: They both have too many pencils. If the GOP wins again in November, they will be
confiscated or pawned.

The Proc: You like motorcycles. Do you ever act like you’re in the movie “Easy Rider“?

Bib: More like Two Lane Blacktop or The Wild One. The only scene I recall in Easy Rider was the poor bastard hippies walking in circles scattering seeds on rocks somewhere in New Mexico. Btw, the difference between a bastard and a poor bastard is that a poor bastard has a kind heart.

The Proc: Remember that chick who ran against you with the Russian accent? Didn’t she sound like Natasha from “Rocky & Bullwinkle“?

Bib: Yes, but she is very smart.

The Proc: Do you get free zuccini bread from PUSD board member Bob Harrison now?

Bib: I won’t go there …

The Proc: Let’s grab a beer. I’ll buy if you fly.

Bib: Just walk down the hill and pick up a six pack at Rite Aid. We can sit in my back yard and admire my tomatoes and Nortons. I’ll be the godfather and if you catch her in the right mood, Janet might feed you.

(The Proc’s note: I no longer live up the hill from Bibbiani)

The Proc: Aren’t you glad you’re not part of the train wreck known as PUSD any more?

Bib: Yes, but it’s more of a shipwreck and they’re still moving the deck chairs.

The Proc: Do you think Barney Rubble was a bad influence on Fred Flinstone?

Bib: Everyone needs a willing Stooge.

The Proc: Has a kid ever given you an apple and you said “Screw this, where’s my bourbon”?

Bib: Never got an apple or any other gift but I was the recipient of some amazing threats. For example, “we bomb your house and drag your name in the gutterrrrrrrrrr.” from a family whose son could not pass the profiency test that I wrote. My response to them was their son Hrant was “You can Hrant and Hrave all you want but he still doesn’t pass.”

The Proc: Which was more boring? “War and Peace” or the The Kahlenberg Report?

Bib: This is a hard one. War and Peace was an easier read.

The Proc: Isn’t this smoking ban pretty lame?

Bib: Yes, although I’ve never had cigarette in my life. Even my hippie friends stopped offering stuff in the ’60s because I simply do not know how to smoke. I’d either burn my lips or choke on the smoke.

The Proc: Gonna run for office again?

Bib: No. But, my 400 member motorcycle club has been compared to Cuba in a national bike magazine because… “it’s run by a bearded dictator, has no elections and fewer rules and depends on old vehicles.”

The Proc: Favorite candy bar as a kid?

Bib: Almond Joy

The Proc: I think Ed Honowitz is trying to steal your hair style.

Bib: Haven’t noticed. I lost my hair for religious reasons. Repeated slaps to my forehead while muttering “Jaysuss” have worn all the hair off the front and top.

The Proc: Remember that guy Steve Madison?

Bib: Who? (Wasn’t he one of the two members who did not endorse me in the last election?)

The Proc: Isn’t it awesome when Von’s has Double Coupons and then you have more coupons from the LA Times and then when you go to the store, your total is
orginially like $250 but you walk out of there paying $95?

Bib: I just think it is a sad commentary on the times.

**

Bib is a fun guy and I really wish he had won re-election last year. However, it seems like he’s enjoying not being anywhere near the PUSD sinkhole - so good on him.

Be seeing you and don’t forget to send in your rules for the City Council Drinking Game and questions for Dear Mr. Proc.

- AP

The Proc’s refrigerator doesn’t say anything this morning because the mailbox has the floor.

All right, all right, who’s the anonymous joker?

Someone sent me a picture of cupcakes in the mail (I know, I know, you can barely see it) - with no return address. It had me dying laughing when I opened the envelope.

I’m assuming it’s Larry Wilson because of all of the glitter and frilly borders. But it could be other Ham-And-Egger Award winners Frank Girardot or Fred Ortega. Why? Because this was not only sent to me by mail, it was sent to my place of employment - something I don’t advertise on my website but is known in a few certain circles.

Good job, though, guys - it’s hanging on my wall now. Everyone at work thinks I have a secret admirer.

**

Aaron Proctor: Pasadena Dignitary, Paragon of Virtue, and Role Model To Children Everywhere

Not only do I embody the heart, soul, and minds of Pasadenans - I’ve also been quite the print superstar this week.

I had a quote in the Pasadena Star-News on Tuesday.

I had a letter printed in the San Diego City Beat.

AND I have my first ever article as a “reporter” printed in this week’s Pasadena Weekly.

What’s next for The Most Electrifying Man in Pasadena? I should be hearing from US News & World Report and The Daily Show any time.

**

Bike Week Pasadena starts on May 12th. Get out those Livestrong bracelets and tight lycra pants, boys.

Unfortunately for the bikers, there were a lot more events planned for Bike Week that just didn’t make a cut. Luckily, I was resourceful enough to provide you “bikers” (but not the cool, tough, All-American motorcycle kind) with a list of what you could have been doing:

TOP TEN BIKE WEEK PASADENA EVENTS THAT DIDN’T MAKE THE CUT

10. Larry Wilson’s “Race For The Bore”
9. Bike Jousting
8. The Orange Grove Liquor Stores’ Drunken Peloton
7. Bike & Smoke Through The Paseo
6. Joe Piasecki’s Bleeding Heart Liberal 5k Race
5. Jumping Bikes Off Of Suicide Bridge
4. Race Your Bike Against Madison’s Maserati
3. Ann Erdman On A Unicycle
2. Female Topless Biking On Lambert Avenue
1. “Push People Off Of Segeways” Contest
**

The Aaron Proctor Interview Series is in full-swing. The Proc got down to the center of the anti-smoking controversy rocking Pasadena by getting an exclusive interview with Dr. Takashi Wada. (1x Ham And Egger Award Winner!)

Dr. Wada is the Director of the Pasadena Public Health Department and Pasadena’s Public Health Officer. Let’s see if he can go one on one with the Great One.

Dr. Takashi Wada: Mr. Proctor (Most Electrifying Man in Pasadena),

Thank you again for considering me for your interview series, especially given the VIP list of prior interviewees (Jesus, CM Melekian, your mother, etc.) It was good seeing and hearing you at the city council meeting when you spoke about our proposed smoking regulations. The opposition had some solid points and I agree that there are other vitally important issues affecting our community, but I do believe that the council made the right decision and I feel that Pasadena will be healthier for it.

For that, I guess I get the Ham and Egger Award and some vitriol directed my way.

The Proc: You’re the Director of the Pasadena Public Health Department AND Pasadena’s Public Health Officer. Why are you hogging all of the jobs that nobody else wants?

Dr. Takashi Wada: It’s a great department with dedicated staff and programs that make Pasadena a healthier place. Plus, as Health Officer, I get to carry a badge and bust crooked doctors and quarantine people. It also looks good on my resume, right after my other high profile past jobs - dishwasher, bartender, shirt folder for a clothing store, and assistant editor at MTV.

The Proc: If Clearman’s North Woods Inn were in Pasadena, would they get an F because they let you throw the peanuts on the floor?

TW: Peanuts on the floor are OK, but elephants or monkeys eating the peanuts off the floor inside the restaurant would not be viewed favorably.

The Proc: I really think you should check out the bologna and the hot dogs at the 99 Cents Store next to PCC.

TW: Thanks for the advice. I’ll be requesting them to cater our next health department event. Aside from being real tasty, you can use the left over hot dogs as lawn darts and the bologna as Frisbees.

The Proc: Can you give Robin’s Wood Fire BBQ & Grill an A+? I’ll give you a dollar.

TW: I can’t take your dollar or give them an A +. However, if they named something after me - say the “WadaSpecial” which would be a WadaBurger, some WadaCarrot Sticks, and a tall glass o’ Wada with a slice of lemon…. I may reconsider. After all, didn’t they name some patty melt after you?

(The Proc’s Note: Yes, yes they did.)

The Proc: Speaking of which, when you were a kid and your mom made you Brussel sprouts, did you pull out one of those placards that say “C” on them?

TW: I love Brussel sprouts, broccoli, granola, spinach, etc. Haven’t you already labeled me as one of those leftist type bozos that you always ridicule in your blog?

The Proc: Why don’t we have a Wendy’s in Pasadena? Nobody will answer this for me.

TW: Who needs a Wendy’s when you can have a 99 cent store hot dog?

The Proc: I heard a rumor that you once went down to Central America and beat the crap out of some rebel forces. Did they loosely base the “Delta Force” movies on you?

TW: The rumor is false. I was not in Central America beating the crap out of some rebel forces … I was WITH the rebel forces! Remember, I’m a supposed Che Guevarra styled leftist bozo.

The Proc: I think you should have a sitcom. We could call it “A Lotta Wada”.

TW: I would prefer “A WholeLottaWada”.

The Proc: Why is the 35er called a dive bar when a Guinness is $6 there? If you want to see a real dive bar, go to R Place or the 1881.

TW: Good choices. What about the ‘Rado or is that getting too hip these days? I used to frequent Al’s Bar in Downtown LA, cuz I like some live music with my dive bar. By the way, everyone tells me that you’re some Goth, but then I read somewhere that you sometimes have Depeche Mode paraphernalia on your clothes. What’s with that?

(The Proc’s Note: Not a Goth kid anymore. What in the fuck am I going to have to do to distance myself from that dirty four-letter word?)

The Proc: How many restaurants are PW reporter Carl Kozlowski banned from?

TW: Who is Carl Kozlowski? Should I be afraid?

The Proc: I think you should have a big burly guy named Guido in restaurant bathrooms. When an employee comes in and doesn’t wash his hands, Guido will club him with a slapjack.

TW: Can he also be responsible for keeping the smokers in line?

The Proc: If that homeless guy on Fair Oaks & Colorado with the cat went into Aux Delices, would it get shut down immediately?

TW: Is it a seeing eye cat?

The Proc: Don’t you hate when you go to a restaurant and it’s closed on a Monday?

TW: Drives me crazy, but you can always get a good meal at the 99 cent store and it’s open every day.

The Proc: Is it a health code violation when Steve Madison wears lavender ties?

TW: Depends on his shirt and suit. If the color contrast causes viewers to have seizures, I may have to step in.

The Proc: Who would win in a fight between Dr. Kildare and Dr. Marcus Welby?

TW: They would both be pretty old by now. Are they allowed to use their dentures to bite each other or is that fighting dirty? In my opinion, the baddest doctor dude is Dr. Zhivago - he could wrestle a bear. Dr. Seuss is pretty cool too.

The Proc: How long before we start labeling people “walking health code violations”?

TW: It’s just a matter of time until we start quarantining people for being too healthy.

The Proc: I bought this new stuff called Soylent Green. Is it safe to eat?

TW: Absolutely - it’s all natural and organic - where did you get it, Whole Foods?

The Proc: What’s the sickest thing you’ve ever seen during your inspections?

TW: Trust me, you do not want to know the details, but it involved a small furry animal, a bit of excrement, a blender, and some chocolate. (This was not in Pasadena.)

The Proc: Ever get those mini Krackel bars around Halloween? Delicious.

TW: Good choice, but my favorite has always been the Bottle Caps. A lady down the street used to give out fruit, which always upset me. Now that I work for the health department, she doesn’t seem so crazy.

The Proc: I’m going to get this Subway commercial song stuck in your head: “Five. Five Dollar. Five Dollar Footlongs.”

TW: Too late, it is already stuck in my head. You have no idea how many Subway sandwiches I’ve eaten from the store down on Fair Oaks and Orange Grove.

The Proc: Run me through a typical work day of yours.

TW: The beauty of my job is that every day is different. I deal with staff and budget issues within the department, occasionally get to play a real doctor and see patients in one of our clinics, investigate outbreaks of lice or tuberculosis in a school, speak to community groups about their health concerns, get a briefing from the FBI about some bioterrorist threat, write grants for new programs addressing nutrition or access to health care, field complaints about barking dogs, get interviewed by the LA Times about vaccination rates, and once in a while, I have the pleasure of interacting with characters that make the world interesting, like The Most Electrifying Man in Pasadena. It’s a great job and pays the bills, I can’t complain.

**

We need more good sports like him in Pasadena.

Have a great weekend.  Enjoy some brand new Sid Tyler Facts over on Dormitas’ blog!
I’m Audi 5000,

- AP

Liberty and justice - for anti-smokers only.

Yep, humanoids, that’s what it really feels like right now in the Crown City after Monday’s Council meeting. Even Chris Holden didn’t have the balls to vote “no” on this whole ordeal. Instead, he “abstained” from voting. Steve Madison was out of town in New Jersey on business - I guess it’s just a big coincidence he was 3,000 miles away so when the business community comes down on him in his District, he can say he wasn’t even there to vote on the damn thing.

I really am figuring out this whole liberal “progressive” movement, or at least the definiton of it. And you know what? These limo liberals aren’t that much different than the Christian right wing. Hear me out for a minute.

A lot of these people who want to ban smoking are the same granola covered bozos who want to be able to drive after smoking their medical marijuana. They’re the same people who say the government should stay out of their business when two dudes want to get married or some chick wants to have an abortion. (For the record, I support gay marriage and a woman’s right to choose - if you’re a true Republican, you support people’s personal freedoms.) Yet, when there’s something they DON’T like, they’re like “Please, please, Mr. and Mrs. Big Government, please invade THEIR personal freedoms.”

Much like the Christian right wing - who are mostly Republicans - support the elimination of big government - except when it comes to gay marriage and abortion and marijuana legalization/decriminalization. They only want big government when it’s something they don’t like, when it’s something that offends their religion.

Either way - and this might be a bold statement to some and you might not agree 100% and if that’s the case, then fuck you - if you support gay marriage, if you support a woman’s right to choose, then you’re a hypocrite for supporting Pasadena’s smoking ban. And don’t give me that “but smoking hurts others” bullshit. You’re MURDERING a child when you abort one.

I’ve received a bunch of e-mails about this topic and I’d like to cut and paste some people’s statements. Let’s go to my friend Anonymous, from Pasadena, CA:

I am in total agreement with you on this…….I am most worried when these breakdowns of personal liberties end. Look, I don’t smoke, it helped kill my mother, it’s expensive and yucky- to ME- but it’s a choice.

There are ways to plenty of ways to avoid it if you want to. Alcohol kills, and you know what happened when they tried to stop it in the 30s. If cigarettes become black market, the repercussions and crime associated with it could be worse than for crack.

Bad council. They’re not looking at the big picture. They just want to look good IN the picture.

Glad to see you out there last night. It is now your responsibility to reach out to younger folks like yourself through your blog and get ‘em interested in community affairs by any means necessary!! You’re in a good position here.

Thank you. I, for one, am not going to sit back while the City of Pasadena - or any other place - infringes on other’s rights to begin with. What the fuck do I say over and over again? Oh yeah, that local politics is far more important than national politics. Why? Because things like this get overlooked quite often on a national scope (mostly because we’re the state that’s like that disgusting kind of luncheon meat you get in the store with the cheese already in it while every other state is just regular bologna).

How about this awesome comment from none other than my mother, Beatrice Proctor - she was St. Louis born and raised and has been a resident of Philadelphia for decades now:

Wow! What a controversy smoking is making out there. I guess you may just have to go back to “Dirt Cheap” country, where the “persecuted smoker” is treated with some respect!!! LOL! Yes, with major, major issues like, what do we do when food gets so expensive we can’t eat? OR what do we do when gasoline gets even more expensive and we can’t drive to work (and there is no mass transportation out our way)? who really cares if you or anyone else smokes while waiting on their bus and GOING TO WORK, by the way, or by an ATM, while you are GETTING OUT MORE MONEY FOR FOOD OR GAS? I don’t like smoking, but I really cannot, as an American, feel comfortable about some of the laws certain areas want to enforce.

Even my mom, not even slightly a fan of smoking, thinks this is crazy. But what does she know, right? I mean, she doesn’t live in California, so she doesn’t know “how hard we have it out here”. Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit.

I find it so funny that we want to be so much like Santa Monica because when I was running for Mayor and I had that crazy idea for rent control (which I even know doesn’t fucking work), people said they didn’t want to turn Pasadena into Santa Monica.

Well guess what - you are doing just that with this ordinance.

I also just wanted to also tell you all a little something about this website called nosmokingpasadena.com. First of all, if it’s not anything else, it’s a poster child for the limo liberal agenda in Pasadena. Notice how the title of the website doesn’t say “Ban smoking in Pasadena in public eating areas” - it just says “Ban smoking in Pasadena”. A lot of you don’t understand - these people want to ban smoking EVERYWHERE. Inside, outside, in your living room, out on your porch, etc. Moves like City Council made just got them closer to doing that.

And why is it that every ham and egger with a shitty idea has an even shittier website? Seriously. I mean, I know hippies still have a lot of acid and LSD in their veins - but come on - one of them has to know at least some basic HTML, right?

What a bunch of babies. If you go through this website, you’ll see that they support that stupid warning on movies now that you’ll be watching scenes where people are SMOKING.

Like I said, these fucktards don’t really make any sense. Let’s legalize pot but ban smoking. Let’s have the government stay out of our personal business unless someone else’s personal business offends us.

I’d better go find some petition papers. I want to ban skinny blond bitches who can’t name the two Senators from California who hang out at the Paseo. They are poisoning society and really, really annoying me.

There are some fucking idiots in this town, I swear.

**

John McCain and that bitch who is running for President are both proposing a Gas Tax Holiday, truly a most retarded idea.

Their idea, though, isn’t really completely the worst idea I’ve ever heard - especially when it comes to stimulating the local, Pasadena economy:

TOP TEN REJECTED WAYS TO STIMULATE PASADENA’S ECONOMY

10. $1 Victor Gordo rides

9. All roads leading out of Pasadena are closed under mysterious circumstances
8. City Council Meetings on Mondays - and then - for $15 - a special after-dark all-nude City Council meeting.
7. Last call is upheld by Council, leading to Kevin Uhrich single-handedly saving Pasadena from economic crisis by moving the Pasadena Weekly to the 35er.
6. New billboards: “Buy something or Sid Tyler will bitchslap your children”
5. Every time you pass Colorado Blvd., the City gives you $200.
4. City opens new Old Town valet service with lower prices called “Denva Lanes Valet Pizarking”
3. Pasadena finally gets a football team…..but it’s a Canadian Football League team.
2. City tells residents to just go mug people in San Marino and South Pas
1. Whole Foods starts selling edible food
**

The Aaron Proctor Interview Series is back.  Yeah, City Council members and other City officials have been taking super long getting back to The Proc’s questions.  I guess they’re “busy” with their “important jobs” so much that they can’t give the Most Electrifying Man In Pasadena the time of day.

So, The Proc went upstairs.

Wayyyyyyyyyy upstairs.

Jesus Christ took time out of His more-busy-than-any-of-you-schedule to sit down with me and answer some questions.

The Proc: What’s up?

Jesus Christ:  The sky.  The stars.  Me.  (chuckling)  I love that joke.

The Proc: Who are you going to vote for in the 2008 Presidential Election?

JC:  I have long hair, wear robes and sandals, and talk about peace on earth.  Ralph Nader all the way.

The Proc:  What do you think of Steve Madison?

JC:  Love thy neighbor, Proctor.  He is kind of a douche, though.

The Proc:  Why was “Knot’s Landing” on for so long?

JC:  Dad really liked that show.

The Proc:   Do you ever hang around the gynasium?

JC:  Hah.  “Airplane!” joke.  Very funny, Proctor.

The Proc:  What’s the most annoying hymn with your name in it?
JC:  I’m going to have to go with “O Holy Night” just because people either sing it really great or totally butcher it.  Second choice would be anything from “Godspell“.
The Proc:   You try one of those $5 footlongs at Subway yet?

JC:  They’re a rip off.

The Proc:   Do you get mad when I use the “f-word” a lot?

JC:  It’s cool, man. People really think I get up in arms about that stuff. I’m more worried about you guys killing each other off than someone using profanity. You’re not even saying my Dad’s name in vain.

The Proc:   Which was your favorite chick on “Three’s Company”?

JC:  All of them were great.  I even liked Chrissy’s country-bumpkin cousin.

The Proc:  What’s your favorite bog in Pasadena?
JC:  Nice try.  Foothill Cities do a great job.  Still can’t figure out who Centinel is.

The Proc:  Thanks for taking the time out of your extremely busy schedule to answer some of my questions.

JC:  Whatevs.  No biggie.  See you in 16 and a half months, Mr. Proctor.

The Proc:  What?!?!

**
Nice guy.

Hopefully I can get some more actual Pasadenans in this series, soon.  I’m trying my hardest.

You can love thy neighbor (being me, that is) and sign my petition or buy something from my store.

Keep those suggestions coming for the City Council Drinking Game.

Until tomorrow…be seeing you,

- AP