The Adventures of Aaron Proctor

Pssst..did you hear there’s the fifth SGV (And Elsewhere) Blogger Picnic taking place next Saturday at the palatial Aztec Hotel in Monrovia, CA?  If you didn’t get the Evite, please let me know so you don’t miss out on the Most Electrifying Blogger Picnic ever.
Some of the fucking awesome superstars in attendance…..

Yours truly, The Proc

West Coast Grrlie Blather

Frazgo

Assembly (44th District) candidate Brian Fuller

Former WWF wrestler Eddie “The Banjo” Marks
Pasadena’s Public Spokeshole Ann Erdman

“Hollywood” Frank Girardot

AND LOTS MORE!  Thanks to Kathryn Reece for providing the location again and for whipping up some ham and eggs for everyone to eat.  Not a joke.
Don’t be square, be there.

**

Yesterday, “Mr. Thursday Morning” Andre Coleman and The Proc were walking down Green Street when up pulls a Ford Escape driven by a guy in a white baseball cap, orange shirt, and orange watch.

It was none other than STEVE MADISON!  Looked like he was going to a rave for golfers or something. He and Andre exchanged pleasantries, he even said hi to me, and I asked him where his Maserati was.  After he and Andre raved about how great Ownedbama’s speech was at the Democrat Convention, Madison drove away as I yelled “YOU’RE A DOUCHEBAG MADISON!”

The Proc 15329804832493802, Madison 0.

Ultravox is the bomb.  So is black licorice.
Be seeing you,

- AP

The Proc doesn’t understand what kids are sayin’ half the time.  Luckily, he’s got some Slang Flashcards from Lula Mae - so he can bring you The Slang Word Of The Week!

This week’s word: roll.

roll vb [ME, fr. MF roller, fr. (assumed) VL rotulatre, fr. L rotulus] 1 : to go out with “I’m ROLLING with the Human Relations Commission tonight” - syn CHILL, KICK IT 2 a : to leave, esp. in a vehicle “CHIEF MELEKIAN, LET’S ROLL“  b : to ride in a car 3 : to laugh uncontrollably 4 : to fight - syn wack, throw down, scrap, clock 5 : to have lots of money

Chris Holden likes to roll with other guys who wear glasses.

Iron Maggie rolls with Wrigley, the gentrification wonder dog.

**

I read an interesting letter in the PW this week….

Dry thoughts
While brushing my teeth — closing the water tap as requested — questions swirled in my head during the procedure.

If water shortages are on the horizon, why are new toilets springing up, flowing in new constructions? Something is not quite right. Why no moratorium on new construction in Pasadena, except of course, emergency facilities, etc.

Here I am, conserving a modest amount of water, attempting to do my part as directed by the city of Pasadena.

Will someone in the upper level of our city government splash some light on this conundrum?
~JAMES BEHM, PASADENA

Well, let me field that question James.

City Councilmembers are better than you and don’t have to follow the rules.

Just like they tell us all to take the ARTS bus and then drive their Maseratis into City Council meetings.

So, it’s obvious that wasting water only applies to you and I, the PCC-educated plebeians, who aren’t as cool enough as the part-time Councilman, full-time lawyers who are exempt from all rules and regulations in the City of Pasadena.

Fuck that noise.  I’m running my sink as we speak.  And I’m not even home.

**

To answer all the e-mails, The Proc’s many investments are fine.  The Proc, long ago, invested in latex, which continues to climb in the offshore markets - thanks to The Proc buying 90% of it.  Ya hear that, Queen Mickie?

**

Todd Ruiz is back with a new blog called “Pasadena: Center Of The Universe“.

Expect my blog link to be taken down after 3 days of calling someone a douchebag, talking about the band Japan, and/or hitting on the assumedly hot Monica chickie.  We call this “The Ann Erdman Rule”.  We’re cool, Ann, I know it wasn’t your fault you had to take my link down.

**

Have a happy and safe weekend.

Be seeing you,

- AP

So The Proc’s in Old Pasadena yesterday, just getting off work, smoking a cigarette, on the phone with his brother, Josh, wishing him a happy birthday.

The Most Electrifying Man in Pasadena finishes The Most Electrifying Cigarette in Pasadena and throws it into the street.

Suddenly, some old limo liberal bitch drives up in her huge gas-guzzling SUV and says “Hey! Can you pick up that cigarette you just threw on the ground?  And are you with the McCain campaign?” (asking because I have a McCain sticker on the bag I carry to work).

I am on the phone with my brother at the time and he’s all like “What’s going on Aaron?” and I tell him to hold on.

“Fuck you. If you got a problem with me throwing a cigarette in the street, fucking pick it up yourself…and if you have a problem with me supporting McCain, get out of your fucking car and say it to my face” I say to the bitch as she drives off in her SUV.  That’s how we roll back in Philly and I am bringing some of that toughness to Pasadena.  If I drove up South Street and asked someone to pick their cigarette up, I’d get my ass beat…on principle alone.

And say what you want about Philadelphia - but at least they’re building the 3rd largest building in the US, the American Commerce Center.  Could you imagine the bitching and complaining if that were happening in certain neighborhoods in Pasadena?

This crazy bitch was worried about my little fucking cigarette in the street.  Seriously.  And now, just because of her, any time I’m smoking in Old Pasadena, that cigarette is either going right into the street or I’ll just flick a cigarette butt in the iPod store or something.  You don’t fuck with the Proc - and I’m not afraid of those assclowns on the Segways.  Bring them on.

Josh - all the way back in Philly - wondered what was going on and I said “Oh, some stupid bitch stopped in her SUV to ask me to pick up a cigarette” and he’s like “Huh?!  Why would anyone do that?”

Why would anyone do that, mon frere?  I tell you why.

Pasadena is a great City, it’s the Center of the Universe, home of the Rose Parade, home of Caltech and all that jazz….but it’s also a city that has a ton of pussies.  Not just some of the people who live here but the people who govern as well.  Bunch of mamby-pampby-got-picked-last-for-kickball-and-going-to-go-home-and-cry-to-mom-about-it pussies.

Throwing a cigarette into the street in, god forbid, sacred Old Town?!  That’s unheard of.  You can’t do that.  It would be like murdering a small child.

Maybe if we switched to RC helicopters, everyone would be happy?

Did you know the City of Pasadena is going to spend $2 million on QUIET HELICOPTERS.  Yeah, because people from all over Pasadena call in and complain about the helicopters.  The limo liberals in Linda Vista don’t want them because “why would we need them? no crime happens here” and the people in the Northwest don’t want them, even though that’s where a lot of the crime happens.

Why are we spending $2 million on this?  Do we really need quiet helicopters?  We LIVE IN A CITY.  THERE’S GOING TO BE NOISE.  If you don’t want noise, move ELSEWHERE.  It’s just a helicopter flying over, trying to protect you.  Deal with it.  $2 million - how many police or firefighters salaries is that?  How many new textbooks for our fucking failing 49th in the nation schools is that?

But, no, some assclown wants quiet helicopters.

Pussies.  Fucking pussies.

If I were happened to be elected to City Council, my first task would be the de-pussification of Pasadena.  Nobody should fuck with us….not even ourselves.

**

I’d suggest bulldozing Old Pasadena to the ground if my job and Lula Mae wasn’t there.  Seriously, that store rocks - and that’s where I got the Slang Flashcards…so I could bring you the Slang Word Of The Week!

This week’s word:  crib

crib n [ME, fr. OE cribb; akin to OHG krippa manger, and perh. to Gk griphos reed basket] one’s place of residence, domicile “IT’S THE HIP THING FOR RICH PASADENANS TO PHYSICALLY MOVE THEIR CRIB FROM ONE PART OF THE CITY TO ANOTHER” - syn PAD, CASTLE, NEST, DIGS, FLAT

I wonder which Councilmember is going to put this crib on a truck and move it?

**

Congrats to The Proc’s close personal friend, Robin Salzer, and his wife, AMV, on the birth of their twin boys!!!  Robin says it’s truly a miracle and a blessing.  Ahhh, the miracle of life…so beautiful yet so complicated!

**

Get to work, jabronis.

Be seeing you,

- AP

On a serious note:

Today is the 7th anniversary of the attacks on the World Trade Center, Pentagon, and Western Pennsylvania (the latter, most likely headed for the White House or the Capitol).

No matter your party aliegance or your alliance, please don’t forget to silently, in whatever way you do things, thank those who gave their lives - not only unknowingly by being a victim of this most heinous act of our modern day society - but those who went out to try and save those lives.

I’ll never forget that day on September 11th, 2001 (September 11th, which also happens to be my youngest brother, Josh’s birthday - happy birthday, by the way, Josh!) - and I’ll never forget where I was (Dallas, Texas to be exact) or how I felt afterward.

Never, ever forget.

**

Don’t forget to pick up a PW this week - not only is there another excellent edition of my “5 Questions” column (this time, with Huntington Catering Company owner, Justin Prietto) - there’s also a sweet letter about me and my interview with my close, personal friend Huell Howser in the letters section.  Read on, folks, read fucking on.

**

Ann Erdman has got seven little trivia questions about Pasadena over on her blog.  That’s all fine and dandy - but as The Proc usually does what he wants - he’s going to be the Most Electrifying Man in Pasadena and make her seven little trivia questions 11% better.

1.  About how many people are fucked over per day by the City of Pasadena?

a)  1,200

b)  2,300

c)  appx 160,000

2.  Which three positions are least cared about by the City Council?

a) City Manager

b) Police Chief

c) City Clerk

d) City Treasurer

e) Chris Holden
f) City Attorney
3.  Which three revenue sources does the City use to give everybody in West Pasadena a good life as well as say “fuck all” to everyone else?

a) Property tax

b) Transient occupancy tax (hotel room tax)
c) Sales tax
d) Secret PEF funds
e) Parking meters and parking tickets
f) Utility users tax

4.  Which type of business should be have been asked first about how the proposed smoking ban will affect them?

a) Auto sales
b) Restaurants
c) Department stores
d) Gas stations
e) Armenians
f) Computer software companies

Ann Erdman and I

5.  Which four properties have more importance to the City of Pasadena than your own safety and well-being?

a) Wrigley Mansion / Tournament of Roses headquarters
b) The Gamble House
c) Pasadena Senior Center
d) Madison’s Maserati and Asian Whore
e) Pacific Asia Museum
f) Armory Center for the Arts
g) Pasadena Playhouse

6.  Which three official, charted businesses development districts does Larry Wilson like to name drop in his editorials?

a) Old Pasadena Management District
b) South Lake Business District
c) Playhouse District Association
d) The Boulevard
e) East Washington Boulevard Business District

7.   What of these items does The Proc not give a shit about and throw in other people’s blue recycling bins when he’s walking down the street?

a) Batteries
b) Phone books
c) Glass jars and bottles
d) Styrofoam
e) Used condoms
f) Used motor oil
g) Computers

Sorry, Ann

**

I’ve always been a big fan of the song Australian folk song “Waltzing Matilda“.  My brother, Adam, had to learn it in 4th grade Music class and used to sing it all the fucking time.

I also used to have this very cool neighbor named Dave Bond, who was from Australia.  He liked his beer and darts and knew a thing or two about cricket and shuffleboard - not the shuffleboard Claire Bogaard plays on vacation - actual shuffleboard.

Anyhow, I noticed that “Waltzing Matilda” fit perfectly, syllable-wise, with “Old Pasadena“…so here’s my tribute to Old Pasadena, self-titled, sung to the tune of “Waltzing Matilda“:

“Old Pasadena” (sung to “Waltzing Matilda”)

Once a limo liberal had a few thousand bucks,
Unsure of how he would spend his money,
So he jumped in his Prius and drove down Colorado
“Who’ll come to Old Pasadena with me?”

Old Pasadena, Old Pasadena
“Who’ll come to Old Pasadena with me”
And he sang in his Prius and drove down Colorado
“You’ll come to Old Pasadena with me”

First, he had some wine at that place Mi Piace
Then bought a new power suit at Armani
And he smiled as he passed the McMurphy’s and Lula Mae
“You’ll come to Old Pasadena with me”.

Old Pasadena, Old Pasadena
“Who’ll come to Old Pasadena with me”
And he laughed as he dropped a thousand bucks at Armani
“You’ll come to Old Pasadena with me”

Down came yellow jackets, mounted on their Seg-a-ways
Up came the hobags, one, two, three
“Where’s the 35er? It’s not really a dive bar”
“You’ll come to Old Pasadena with me”

Old Pasadena, Old Pasadena
“Who’ll come to Old Pasadena with me”
“Want to play some pool at Jake’s Billiards in the alley?”
“You’ll come to The Equator with me”

Up got the slutbag and jumped into her brand new car,
“You’ll find me at Neomeze”, said she,
And her tits may be seen as you pass by that Hooters place
“Who’ll come to Old Pasadena with me”?

Old Pasadena, Old Pasadena
“Who’ll come to Old Pasadena with me”
And her ass may be seen outside Forever 21
“Who’ll come to Old Pasadena with me”?

**

Who gets to choke on some ham and eggs this week?  None other than Al-Qaeda.  Fundamentalist douchebags!

**

Is Obama like George Costanza?

**

The Proc wants some Vannia on his De La Cuba,

- AP

“Dear Mr. Proc” is back - and with a new twist.  Once in a while, The Most Electrifying Man In Pasadena, The Proc, will be going around to various advice columnists and answering the letters written to them.  That way, these people can get some good advice instead of the lame crock of shit they’re going to get from Dear Abby (how old is she - 5000 now?)

I think people who write into advice columns are lame as hell.  The people who are written to might be slightly less intelligent than punching yourself in the crotch.  Do you know how much mail these “columnists” get, any how?  “Oh - I’ve got a dire relationship/dating problem that I should talk to a close confidant or friend or family member to - but I’ll shoot ol’ Amy Alkon an e-mail and wait 8 months for my article to get printed!  That’ll learn me!”

These columns survive and are pretty popular, though.  So, The Proc’s decided he wants some of that action.

Today’s first question comes from the genius over at AskDog.com.  Yeah, because I’d totally go to someone named “Dog” for advice.  You’re going to get a long-winded response with a lot of “hey brah’s” in it - or you’re headed to a bonfire on Huntington Beach.  Either way, it’s a big no.

I came out of a long-term relationship a couple of months ago and I’m having a rough time getting over her. She wanted to move on, I wanted much more!

I can’t bring myself to enjoy things we used to do together: fondues, Seinfeld reruns, certain music and things like that. It just makes me sad as it brings back memories.

How do I get over my ex-girlfriend? I feel more and more stuck and pathetic!

Help!

Easy peasy, my friend.  There’s this cool website called Craigslist.  And, on Craigslist, there’s a section called Erotic Services.  Just go on there, find a chick for a decent rate in your neighborhood, and PAY her to have a fondue Seinfeld fun-filled evening.  She can’t say no - `cause she’s a whore!  Who knows? You might get a little “Yada, yada, yada” of your own!  Or anal for an extra $200.  Jenny (or whatever her name was) who?  I thought so.

DEAR ABBY: I have been in a long-distance relationship with my girlfriend, “Elli,” for two years. We haven’t seen each other for almost six months, and now she has decided she wants time apart.

(From “Dear Abby on Yahoo! News“, September 8th, 2008)

Are you a fucking idiot?  She’s totally banging some other dude (or possibly a chick, these days).  If she wants “time apart” when you haven’t seen her face in 6 months, all of your man alarms and whistles should be going off as loud as air raid sirens.

If one of your friends who you haven’t seen in 6 months calls you up and said “Dude, I think we need some space..” - you’d pretty much think “This guy doesn’t want to hang out with me”.

Wake up, assclown.   She’s gettin’ it on with some guy who says he’s from Sweden but only seems to have a Swedish accent when he’s drunk and walks around the night club selling cigarettes for Camel as the only trade he plies, with his 1985 big hair and lame ass t-shirt with skulls on it.

Fuck that noise.

Stay tuned for another edition of “Dear Mr. Proc” soon!

**

Well, I’ve finally figured out why I got a phone call from Mickey Rourke’s agent about 4 or 5 years.  I was hoping it was because Mickey was making another “9 1/2 Weeks” movie and needed some sexual pointers - but - nope - his agent called me to talk pro-wrestling (as I was a promoter at the time).

I guess Mickey was trying to research a role - cause - lo and behold - look what was in the LA Times the other day:

In Toronto, Fox Searchlight pins ‘The Wrestler’

The
specialty division pays a reputed $4 million to $5 million to
distribute the film in which Mickey Rourke plays a broken-down fighter.

By PATRICK GOLDSTEIN

September 9, 2008

TORONTO — INDEPENDENT film may be grappling with an inability to
perform at the box office, but that didn’t stop “The Wrestler” from
inspiring an all-night bidding war after it screened at the Toronto
International Film Festival on Sunday night.

Fox Searchlight ended up buying the U.S distribution rights to the
Darren Aronofsky film, which had already won the prestigious Golden
Lion prize at last week’s Venice Film Festival. The movie, which
features a riveting performance from Mickey Rourke as an over-the-hill
wrestler, was considered the hottest potential buy at the festival.
Searchlight chief Peter Rice was not available for comment, but rival
bidders say the sale was completed in the wee hours Monday morning,
with the film going for a purchase price in the $4-million to
$5-million range.

Sony Pictures and Lionsgate were also leading bidders, but
Searchlight, which has emerged in recent years as the specialty world’s
leading marketing and distribution entity, came away with the prize. It
is expected that Searchlight will release the film later this year, at
least in L.A. and New York for an Academy Award qualifying run. The
sale gives Searchlight two of the top attractions here: The company
recently took over U.S. marketing and distribution for Danny Boyle’s
“Slumdog Millionaire,” the surprise hit of the recent Telluride Film
Festival, which Searchlight will release Nov. 28. The studio shares the
film with Warner Bros., which didn’t have enough space on its schedule
or passion for the project. In “The Wrestler,” Rourke is an
over-the-hill fighter whose best days are way behind him. With his
shoulder-length, dirty-blond curls, a fake tan and a scarred body
bulked up on cheap steroids, he looks less like Gorgeous George than
the dissolute leader of an ’80s hair band gone to seed. The movie is
loaded with cheesy ’80s rock (think Ratt, Poison or Mötley Crüe), which
blares out of Rourke’s dinged-up van and the strip club where his
friend Cassidy (Marisa Tomei) works as a pole dancer.

Sounds like a decent flick.  Might check it out. The only movie I’ve ever seen which was even realistic about the wrestling biz was the documentary, “Beyond The Mat” - which I still recommend you pick up and rent today, even though a lot of the stuff going on in the business at the time isn’t going on anymore.  That film accurately displayed wrestling at the height of its 2nd Golden Age and showed just how hard it is to stay around that business.

No wonder some of us get into politics after our tenure in those smoky arenas on the independent wrestling scene.  Politics is a piece of cake compared to it.

**

Some people in my party are all pissed at Ownedbama after his little “lipstick on a pig” quip.

Calm down, Grand Old Proctormaniacs.  I think this is what Barack meant to say:

“You can’t put lipstick on a pig. But if I’m elected - the Democrats will be in charge, so, we’ll make sure you can marry one.”

(Turns out my boy McCain made a similar comment about Hillary.  Oh well, I’m running for CITY COUNCIL!)

UDPATE:  The fish wrap comment.  Well, let’s put it this way, all you peeps who get pissed at me calling Madison a “douchebag” - really shouldn’t any more. 

Hey - the uglier this election gets, the more it benefits a guy like me

**

Speaking of November’s election, you should really consider voting for Brian Fuller - who is running against Fat Tony in the 44th Assembly District.

Brian’s a local guy, he’s the kind of dude that you can feel comfortable talking to.  He comes off as really honest and really does want to fight for reform in this area - especially when it comes to gerrymandering, which creates gridlock and doesn’t end up benefitting anyone - Republican or Democrat.  He’s got The Proc’s vote, that’s for sure.

Check out his amazing results on the “Political Courage Test“!

**

If I was still drinking, I’d be drunk after Dormitas’ City Council review.  Thanks, City Council Drinking Game.  Patting the ass of West Pasadena?  Take seventeen shots.

Looks like our fearful leaders are at it again - throwing caution (and our money) into the wind and spending our money so people in Linda Vista can continue enjoying the Pasadena Way.

Guess we know where everyone’s priorities are.  Even my future opponent, Victor Gordo, thinks that the people in Linda Vista are gonna let us District Fivers come and play over there.  Bullshit, I say.  You know who Gordo reminds me of?

Bebop from the Ninja Turtles.  Seriously. The not-so bright fucking henchman.  Maserati Madison is Shredder.  The people of District 6 are Krang.

**

Be seeing you,

- AP

If you weren’t engaged or energized by Mac’s speech last night, then you probably hate America - so get the fuck out.

Now, now - I know it isn’t common to use “engage” or “energize” when reviewing a McCain speech but some of the stuff he said last night really struck a chord with The Proc.

You’ve got to fight for what you believe in - even if it’s not “popular”, even if the City you live in is brainwashed by all this Messianic Obama crap.  You’ve got to do your part and do things, sometimes, that are for the greater good - not just your personal self.  Country first…and it’s about time there’s someone who isn’t ashamed to love America - through all of its comforts and follies.

To be frank - I first supported McCain just because he was the presumptive nominee.  Now I fully support him because I think he’s the best person to lead our country - not some Hollywood-esque “blessed savior”.

I enjoyed McCain’s speech last night with 100+ others at the Pasadena Republican Club HQ down on Green Street.  All kinds of cool people were there, too - like my buddy Brian Fuller, candidate for Assembly (Vote Brian for a Fuller Tomorrow!)….hot Republican chick Jill….Ed Barnum…Gene Masuda…that guy Bo who managed his campaign…even Teddy Choi.

A good time was had by all and a sense of unity and GOP pride was, well, Most Electrifying (like yours truly).   I also got to meet some new faces and it was nice not to feel so fucking alone as a Republican here in the Crown City.

Why not come out and chill out with us Elephants on September 26th - hey that’s the day before the blogger picnic (if you didn’t get an invite, let me know!) - and watch McCain lay the smacketh down, verbally, on Ownedbama?  You’ll be happy to know there’s a lot of people who make some sense `round these parts.
**

Foothill Cities points out that there’s an online survey available about the Pasadena ARTS bus system.

I remember back in, oh, December 2006, Bogey wanted to sit down with me and discuss expanding the ARTS bus system.  Still waiting for that meeting.  Then again, with a City even afraid to link to this website, I doubt the meeting will happen.

You know how you fix the ARTS bus system?  EXPAND THE FUCKING HOURS, dim wits.  Seriously.  You know how many people working late into the night would love to take a bus home instead of walking at 3 in the morning?  You know how many drunks in Old Town would take full advantage of the 50 cent ride compared to the sometimes $13-$14 cab ride across town?

When I ran for Mayor, I was the only candidate up there for ANY Council seat who didn’t own a car or didn’t drive.  I take the MTA and Foothill Transit and ARTS bus EVERY DAY in some form or another.  How the fuck are we supposed to listen to people who drive Maseratis and don’t even take the bus to Council meetings??!

So, yeah, expand the schedule - and then (and I know this is more difficult, thanks to Paul Little droppin’ some knowledge on me back in the day) try and add more routes.

It’s that simple.  Make sure those bus drivers aren’t lazy and are on time, as well.
Maybe it would be worth 50 cents to ride…

**

If you have a child between the ages of 7 and 25, chances are, they’re usin’ some jive turkey lingo that you just don’t understand.  That’s why (especially if your kid goes to John Muir High) you should run, don’t walk, down to Lula Mae (who just celebrated 5 years in Pasadena!) and pick up these Slang Flashcards - unofficial sponsor of my Slang Word Of The Week.

This week’s word?  Step off.

step off or step vb [ME, fr. OE staepe; akin to OHG stapfo step, stampfon to stamp] 1 : to back off, to retreat from a situation in order to avoid confrontation “STEP OFF BEFORE YOU ANNOY ME” 2 : to challenge someone, to fight “DO YOU WANT TO STEP TO MY COUNCIL SEAT?”

Claire Bogaard said to Bill, “All those janky ho’s I see in pics with you betta step off.”

Who wants to motha fuckin’ step to the Limo Libz, y’all?

**

Unless I read wrong, which isn’t possible since The Proc is never wrong, I haven’t heard a peep from City Council about banning smoking on this Monday’s agenda.  I wonder when that’s coming back.  I thought it was a “super important health issue” - but I guess their vacations in Rio with our tax dollars matter more.  I’ll try to have a full breakdown of this infrigement upon people’s personal freedoms sometime next week.

Be seeing you,

- AP

Former PSN Reporter & Permanent Pimp, Todd Ruiz

That’s what Pasadena PIO Ann Erdman was doing the other day.  All I gotta say is lock up your wives and girlfriends - this guy even gives The Proc a run for his money in the looks department.

Plus, we seem to be the only two dudes with attitudes in the `Dena able to pull off wearing this shade:

I’ll pause, ladies, so you can change your underwear.

**

Pick up a PW today for another great edition of “5 Questions“.  This time it’s with this dude name Josh, who owns Luigi Ortega’s - or as the picture above says “LO’s Cafe Beer Wine”.  What an odd name!

**

As you all know, I’m running against El Pollo Gordo for his District 5 seat.  Here’s the first non-video ad I’ve developed - to show Gordo that I’m not out of touch:

No Union Members were harmed in the making of that ad - but they sure got crunk.

**

Palin 1, Obama 0

Everyone’s favorite VPILF totally owned Barack Obama..or should I say OWNEDbama last night!  Can’t wait until the Liberal media spins her as a racist - after all, you’re not allowed to criticize a black man running for President (much like you can’t touch a black man’s radio…)

Some of Ms. Hotness’ best lines of the night?

“And since our opponents in this presidential election seem to
look down on that experience, let me explain to them what the job
involves. I guess a small-town mayor is sort of like a ‘community
organizer,’ except that you have actual responsibilities.” 

BURN!  Yeah, Obama, while you were just walking around pretending to me a “community organizer” (kinda like how Portantino is in the Kiwannis club and doesn’t show up for meetings) - Palin was actually doin’ shit.  I mean, local Obama supporters - like Maserati Madison (who I thought was on Team Hillary?) and Victor Gordo totally know about sitting around, not doing anything!

And the other delicious line from the delicious one herself had to be:

“Here’s how I look at the choice Americans face in this election. In politics, there are some candidates who use change to promote their careers. And then there are those, like John McCain, who use their careers to promote
change.”

Nice.  Can’t deny that it was a fantastic speech!  And you also can’t deny something else….

For all the sucking up that you get from the media as the new Messiah, I’m sure this won’t bother you too much - but Barack Obama - you get this week’s Ham And Egger Award.  Go do some fucking “community outreach” with it, or something.

**

Join in Gerrymanderingmania over at Foothill Cities!

Be seeing you,

- AP

Everybody and my mother is talking about John Edwards’ affair - so let The Proc in on this so everyone else can know their roles and shut their mouths.

Let me just say right now that we he did was a dick move, a horrible thing - for a few reasons. One - cheating on your wife isn’t necessarily considered an honorable thing to do. I do understand why some people cheat but that’s another story for another time. Two - cheating on your wife who has cancer makes you as bad as that asshole and WWE “wrestler”*, Batista (who also cheated on his wife who had cancer). Three - if you are going to cheat, at least cheat UP! This bitch he cheated with isn’t half as good looking as his wife.

(* - wrestler in quotes because Batitsa doesn’t know an armbar from a crowbar)

With that said, what the fuck is up with the media? Why is everyone surprised and scolding the man? He’s a fucking politician - that’s how we roll. You’d think with everyone from JFK to Bill Clinton to Larry Craig to Governor What’s-His-Name of Nevada, we’d be a little bit more numb to hearing about a politician cheating on his wife. Kinda like “Goodfellas”, “Fridays are for wives. Saturdays are for girlfriends.” Tons of politicians cheat on their wives and we never hear about it. I’m not condoning it whatsoever - I’m just saying - it’s part of the role. It’s only fun to make fun of it when they try to hide it.

John - Do you hang out with Steve Madison?

If some politician came out and said “Yeah, I cheated on my wife, but, COME ON! We’ve been doing this shit for years.” - I’d think he was a dick but at least I’d have respect for him.

People in this country and - especially the media - need to stop acting shocked at things that aren’t really, well, shocking. John Edwards affair shouldn’t be taking up this many airwaves. There’s way more important shit to talk about. Politicians from the opposing parties who jump on these situations for political gain are assclowns too - I’d say a huge majority of politicians cheat on their wives. It’s just the careless ones we hear about.

Would you be surprised if another baseball player said he took steroids? If a gang member in Pasadena gets shot? If Paris Hilton does another sex tape? Fuck no.

I am not a big fan of France’s political stances - but you gotta hand it to them - they actually judge their politicians’ manliness on how many mistresses they have. “That dude’s a pimp - he should be in charge.” (Translation: Ce type est un souteneur. Il devrait être responsable.)

Like my mom, Beatrice, says with much wisdom:

I guess the general public tends to hold those in office to a higher standard; I don’t know why, but they do. And when you think of all the scandals involving Roman Catholic priest and children, I don’t know why people are so outraged at this. It’s a crazy world out there.

If you’re a dude and you have political ambitions: don’t ask me for any pointers. I drank my last quart of pimp juice years ago. I also think “I’m running for Mayor of Pasadena” has the same clout with a woman as “I’ve lost my phone number, can I borrow yours?” I guess you should aim high - for the Senate or Presidency. And that’s the bottom line. `Cause Aaron Proctor said so.

P.S. Maybe since Batista is from the DC area and Edwards plies his trade in DC, they could form a tag team: “Two Douchebags From The Capitol”. I smell ratings.

**

PUSD has made slight gains in Math & English but are still below the state averages, says the PSN - in an article without a byline but I’m assuming Caroline An and Jennifer McClain wrote it while lathering each other up in the shower:

PASADENA - While more students in the Pasadena Unified School District are scoring proficient and above on math and English standardized tests, the district is still below the state’s average in both subjects.

According to data released Wednesday in a news conference at Washington Accelerated Elementary School, 41 percent of PUSD were proficient in English and 39 percent percent students scored proficient in math.

Those numbers were slightly below the statewide average of 46 percent and 43 percent of students proficient in English and math, respectively.

State Superintendent of Instruction Jack O’Connell said the results of the tests administered during the spring each year since 2003, show for the sixth year in a row “students continue to make solid, steady progress.”

Nearly 5 million students in second through 11th grade took the STAR exams last spring.

So, if you’re below average in California - which has the 49th worst Public schools in the nation - that’s saying you have a lot of stupid mother fuckers in your classrooms. Uh oh. Is Edwin Diaz pissed off that I called the kids stupid mother fuckers? Mistakes were made…

**

There are some interesting pieces in this week’s Pasadena Weekly:

• John Seeley & Kevin Uhrich discover that all those Hippies who thought we’d be joining hands in a circle, not showering, and getting along were pretty much off target.
• Jim Laris writes another sensible column about why we should just dig for oil offshore. Ellen Snortland is right next to him with some sort of whining and bitching.
• “Mr. Thursday Morning” Andre Coleman notices secrecy and opaqueness in our City’s government.
• A car column that’s kind of out of place when none of us should be driving.
• And more Asian hookers, “legit massage parlors” and erotic services than you can shake your penis at.

**

Yeah, the Fightin’s lost four in a row to Club Deportivo De Los Dodjers De Los Angeles. That smarts. But what really stings is when your own damn shortstop (who wears my lucky number, 11) calls the fanbase of the Phils “front runners”.

Jimmy since apologized for his comments and gave a really lame ass apology at that. Philadelphia fans are front runners, eh? Are you fucking insane? If anything, they’re (we’re!) some of the most patient and best sports fans in the country. They continually sell out games for all four major sports teams in Philly and haven’t won a championship in any of those four major sports since 1983.

We don’t leave in the 7th inning like the fans in Los Angeles do, we don’t only follow and support our teams when they’re in the playoffs like the fans in LA do. Fuck, look at the Angels - in fucking first place by 14 games and nobody fucking talks about them out here. LA has practically two teams in most major sports and don’t even give a shit…and Philly’s the front runners? Jimmy, I don’t know if you’ve been drinking too much of the tap water in Philly, but if you’re going to call fans front runners - look at the City you just got beat by. The only team they continually root and stand by is the Raiders - and they play in Oakland - and that’s only cause it’s some kind of gang-related fascination.

I think Jimmy’s just pissed off because he went from being last year’s MVP to this year’s MDP: Most Disappointing Player.

Now shut the fuck up and get us back in first place, cocksucker. Oh and how’s it feel now to be called things that you aren’t, Jimmy?

Leave the waxing on a fanbase to me and AM talk radio, k? Thnx.

**

I get these little useful e-mail blasts from City Spokeschick Ann Erdman all the time about upcoming Council & Commission & Other Events in the City. One of the events disturbed me a little bit, I must say:

Thursday, Aug. 21

3 to 5 p.m. - Children are invited to spend the afternoon making a
special craft at Hastings Branch Library, 3325 E. Orange Grove Blvd.
Materials will be provided. 744-7262.

Don’t know about you but something about the vagueness of that description - “a special craft” - makes me think it’s Bogaard Youth getting together to make a statue of Der Langweilige Führer (The Boring Fuhrer). I mean, I’d expect that from South Pas - but what’s this special craft these kids are making? Pasadena Uber Alles.

**

From the makers (me) of The Ten People Ruining Pasadena & yet to be finished The Ten Things I Love About Pasadena comes yet another companion series: Stuff Pasadenans Like.

Based on the hilarious blog (and now book) by Christian Lander, “Stuff White People Like” - this will be a semi-regular look into the things that make people in the Crown City tick. I’m sure there will be things on his knee-slapping list that will overlap into my attempt-at-humor list.

Let’s look at the next entry on the list…….

Paying For Parking!

Pasadenans love paying for parking. They love it so much, that it doesn’t bother them when the City Council changes the rates from $2 an hour to $1.50 every half an hour - and doesn’t fucking say it’s just going up to $3 an hour! They don’t mind paying $60+ a year to park overnight on their own street. The only time people in Pasadena get upset is when somebody from out of town gets an unjust ticket from an unruly privatized parking ticket place. But that’s only because people from outside of town are more important than us, well, in this instance.

I guess paying for parking, especially in Old Town, makes Pasadenans feel safe. You know all those ruffians and hooligans that run around Old Town breaking into cars, right? I mean, it’s not enough that they have to pay at home - why not pay when spending money in the City as well!
Pasadenans are quick to reject ideas to do away with fees for Pasadena residents and candidates who suggest such things. Those types of people who want to do away with the fees don’t know The Pasadena Way and probably don’t belong here. Paying for parking in the City you already pay taxes to (and a City who wants more from you) is our special way of tithing to the Gods who care about us so much that they openly provide us with great schools and safe neighborhoods.

So the next time you say to yourself “It costs how much to park at the Paseo?” - think of how much of a better person you will be when you pay those ridiculous fees.

**

Oh, yeah, taggers aren’t dregs of society or anything. They’re artists, right LA Times? Assclowns. Anyhow…hey… remember when taggers were sending me e-mails, threatening my life, and stuff like that? And then the next day, someone would say “You don’t know what chu talkin’ bout” and try to defend it as some kind of art form? The only thing I was impressed with was the fact that some of them could barely read and use the Internet.

When these stupid mother fuckers are MURDERING people trying to stop their vandalism, that doesn’t help that little “it’s really art” cause. Fuck what my good friend Miss Havisham has to say - taggers are ruining society and the people who celebrate them in art exhibits and books and other things I don’t pay any attention to are making it worse for everyone.

Get a blog and put your shitty art there, although I think someone already has that market cornered.

**

Be seeing you - and remember, AK is Alaska, not Arkansas.

- AP

Hey you! Yeah, you with the computer keyboard. Get off your lazy ass and pick up a Pasadena Weekly this week. “The Proc’s 5 Questions” is with the owner of Leaforever, Ray Tsai - probably the most hilarious one to date. And for everyone look for the big Huell interview, that’ll be in the paper next week!

**

Did you vote in the Worst Of Pasadena awards yet? Well, you fuckin’ should. Over 100 people have so far…but I know there’s more of you out there..so get those ballots in quickly!

**

Remember my list of The Ten Things I Love About Pasadena? The Proc is still counting down. Let’s see what made it to #2 on the list:

#2 - Pasadena City Council!

Ever love hating something? Yeah, that’s the way I roll when it comes to Pasadena City Council. Don’t get me wrong - there’s some great people with a sense of humor up there, and some people who take things way too seriously.

The thing that’s the funniest about these people is the fact you can hear their guffaws after reading my blog miles away from City Hall - until the joke is on them. Then, it’s “Proc, you’ve gone too far” and “Proc, you’ve got to tone it down a little bit.” Jokes are only funny if they’re not about you - that should be on the Pasadena seal.

The thing I love most is that they’ve all kind of developed (or maybe I developed them) into their own characters:

• The staid, boring, old Mayor who is still drinking pimp juice at the age of 172.
• A Councilwoman that doesn’t even look like she’s old enough to drink (and sometimes looks like she’s possibly on the Pineapple Express, according to Dormitas’ great City Council reviews…)
• Then there’s the Queen of District 2 - a sweet woman but she isn’t afraid to verbally lay the smacketh down. There’s a reason we call her “Iron” Maggie and it’s not because she’s good at pressing shirts.
• Shiiiiiiiiit.
• A sex symbol.
• A political lackey with perfect hair follicles who got the name “El Pollo” from simply asking at a meeting last year if the Church’s Chicken on Orange Grove had a drive thru.
• A giant douchebag who drives a Maserati and divorced his wife right before he received won a multi-million dollar court case.
• The world’s most dangerous man.

With Districts 3, 5, and 7 in contention in 2009, some of these guys might be replaced. I’ll never forget the current class of City Council though…and I don’t think the rest of Pasadena will, either.

Keep up the great work AND (more importantly) the shitty work. I gots to have something to writes about. And that’s the bottom line. `Cause Aaron Proctor said so.

**

The District 6 Blogger brings up a really good point I’d like to share with you all:

Aaron:

Why does Bill Bogaard and pal Steve Madison continue to downplay Pasadena as some kind of quiet little bedroom community? You’d never know from Bogaard that there’s gang violence, coverups, and insider @($)! going on. Check out this article. Bogaard calls Pasadena “a little understated” as if he’s proud of it. This is the same old $*@$)_!.

Serious-fucking-ly. Speaking of our new City Manager, I guess my comments about the Inland Empire didn’t go unnoticed by an IE blogger:

The Inland Empire has not yet been universally recognized as an area of high culture and standards. For example, take a look at what Aaron Proctor had to say regarding the upcoming transfer of Michael Beck from Riverside to Pasadena.

I’ve got a few predictions about this Inland Empire go-getter (a go-getter in the IE is defined as anyone who wears a dress shirt and works more than 10 hours a week).

Now I could cry and complain and wave my dress shirt around, but I have to admit that sometimes we in the Inland Empire do our own selves in. The headline of this story says it all:

Official said to be meth addict

Say it ain’t so! Meth addiction in the Inland Empire? I’m shocked.

Actually, we have had a meth problem for years and years, and it doesn’t just affect the addicts:

When the Inland Empire ranked as one of the nation’s largest producers of meth during the 1990s, police officers like Jim Foreman were kept busy raiding and investigating countless makeshift labs where the drug was produced. During one incident, Foreman actually passed out from the chemicals. Today, Foreman, who took a medical retirement last year, says his lungs operate at only 60% of capacity. He suffers from a series of other ailments he blames on his exposure to the meth lab toxins.

So some of us aren’t working 40 hour weeks, either because we’re addicted to meth or we’re recovering from meth exposure.

At least we’re all keeping our shirts on. So far.

I didn’t know people out there did anything on the Internet outside of going to tattoo parlor websites, MySpace and NASCAR.com. Slap my ass and call me misinformed!

**

Be seeing you,

- AP

Oh, how The Proc hates the IRS (no, not Mike Rotunda, he’s cool). I would count the ways but I got bored after 1,827.

The latest from these Schysters? The fact that their automated system claims they mailed my check on July 2nd. Too bad I never received it. So, you’re supposed to call in to this line and talk to them. I called them at 8 am yesterday morning and was still on hold until about 9:15. Some people gotta work around here, so I gave up. They claim I can go to their office…but that would be a day off of work for me.

Mother fuckers. They told me a few months ago to mail in a change of address to both them and the post office - so I did so in like, May. I bet they still mailed my check to the wrong address. Fuck. How can I stimulate the economy without an economic stimulus check? By the time I receive mine, the economy will probably be fixed and they’ll be like “Oh, wow, Proc, you don’t need this. Thanks for showing up any way.”

I don’t think we should have an IRS. I wasn’t even created by statute and they can’t be fucking sued, so how in the hell are they even a federal government entity? Maybe it is a fucking Puerto Rican Trust?

They’re definitely worthy of this week’s Ham And Egger Award!!!!!

They have horrible customer service, usually employ dregs of society to deal with shit, and generally fuck up on everything they do. If the IRS were a person, they’d be a City Councilmember in Pasadena. And if the IRS were a person, I’d open a 50 gallon vat of whoop-ass on that pencil-necked geek. And that’s the bottom line. `Cause Aaron Proctor said so.

**

Hey Larry - where are you at with your ‘Poor little Pasadena - we’re just an itty bitty town?’ shit? Did you read this article in your own damn paper?

Yeah, having two BCS games in a few years…and we’re a fucking ’small town’? Get real.

**

Yesterday, I welcomed Michael Beck, our new City Manager as of 10/1, to Pasadena. I’ve got a few predictions about this Inland Empire go-getter (a go-getter in the IE is defined as anyone who wears a dress shirt and works more than 10 hours a week). Ten predictions, to be exact:

TOP TEN PREDICITIONS FOR MICHAEL BECK’S PASADENA CAREER

10. Becomes first City official to say “Fuck off, Madison” during a meeting

9. Will be tapped to assist on a script for a movie about Pasadena where Gilbert Gottfried will play him.

8. His career will ultimately make soccer just as popular in the US as it is elsewhere. (Oops, I’m sorry, those are my Top Ten David Beckham Predictions..)

7. Michael heads up YAC to find out about Jane Rodriguez’ legs. Will report back to Council in 45 days that they are “still sexy”.  (* - YAC = Yet Another Committee)
6. He’ll screw up on something and we’ll all begin calling him a “Beckerhead”.

5. In a sign of defiance, loosens tie a little.

4. Pasadena Weekly discovers he has world’s largest “Hardcastle & McCormick” memoribilia collection.

3. Invokes RICO on the Red Hat Society

2. Disgarees with Sid Tyler on agenda item, ends up in a light sabre fight to the death in Council Chambers.

1. We’ll have a new City Manager by next June.

**

Can The Proc be serious for a minute, folks? Thanks. Hey! Where are you going? Sit the fuck down and finish reading this. Beckerhead.

Exactly one year ago today, I came back to Pasadena after spending a little over 2 months in the Midwest.

After coming back, a lot of things changed about me, all in a positive way. Namely two things jump out at devotees: My appearance is much more mainstream and political views I’ve been afraid to air have finally come out and turned me into a more Conservative guy that I ever wanted to admit. I’m fine with those things. I’m happier than I’ve ever been and I’m a damn handsome man.

Still, when I think of the past, I often look to the future. What does the future hold for this website - what does the future hold for me? The #1 thing I get from people is “You should soooo figure out a way to make money with your blog.” I hear it all the time - even from City dignitaries.

A few things here - and most of this is just my personal philosophy. Fuck yeah, I’d love to make money from this blog. I feel, though, if I sat around trying to figure out how I’m going to make money, the quality of the website would go down. I’ve seen it happen to people (and I guess, to myself, to a lesser extent) before - people get so focused on the almighty dollar that they don’t make sure their priorities are straight. Not only does the quality of their hobby go down but it can also affect them in the workplace.

I also have integrity, believe it or fucking not. I wouldn’t want someone to advertise here and then start telling me what to say and do in my articles.
I want to go big places and so do big things with this blog - and I’m certainly not the type that’s just going to “sit around and wait for it to happen”. I’d like to think I do things every day - from adding more special content to this website to making new connections - to make my blog life and my real life a better one.

I do promise you this, though - if you think I’m pushed the envelope too far, you ain’t seen nothing yet. I’m planning on adding more video content to this website in the next few weeks and months. The City Council Puppet Show will finally rear it’s comedic head. I plan on pulling more stunts and pranks to the best of my abilities and limits.

I also plan on ‘not giving in’ and ‘proving people wrong’. There’s still a small amount of people in this City who think this blog is all an act. Well, I’ll tell you this: If you think I act and talk the way I do in my daily life, at my job, to my loved ones, you’re wrong..but don’t ever doubt that this blog isn’t some kind of extension of me. Also don’t doubt my political convictions. I know I came into the spotlight around here as a kid in eyeliner with big Socialist views. Those views have drastically changed as I’ve a) gotten older and b) learned more about what makes Pasadena tick - and it’s all the Limo Liberals’ fault.

We all get paid to play in this world. The Pasadena Weekly, luckily, lets me do a little “5 Questions” column every week and even afforded me the opportunity to meet Huell Howser. I’m thankful for that. A lot of my friends complain that the PW doesn’t have any balls because they’re not letting the real Proc in - but at the same time - the PW pays my bills, so I respect any decision they make - and they gave me a precious opportunity to get ink, so I’ve personally got no complaints.

Ann Erdman & Me

Whatever the future may hold, whatever this blog ends up contributing or not contributing to Society - I must thank you all for being such loyal readers. I even thank those who come here to dissect and disagree with everything I say. (Namely Fred Ortega, that Ham And Egger who now works for the State Comptroller or something and is using your tax dollars to log on to this website…)
I have a lot of exciting opportunities coming my way, I just know it, I just feel it - but the last thing I am going to do is dwell on it. I have to be prepared and be ready. “Keep up the good work” like Chris Holden said to me (and then he said ‘Shiiiiiiiiiit‘). What do the next 365 days hold for The Proc? I don’t have a fucking clue. But neither do you. That’s what makes all of this so much fun.

Let me clear things up a bit. I don’t believe in predestination too much. What I mean is, if life taps me on the shoulder and says “Hey, Proc, this blog, this little column, being an accounting assistant, and making $10 an hour - this is all you’re gonna get“, I’d be very happy. I feel like I’ve already “made it” in a sense. People come up to me on the street and shake my hand regularly. I feel that by making you laugh, making you mad, making you happy, making you want to strangle me - I’ve made you feel something and that’s a reward in itself. What I’m saying is - the way things are now - I’m very happy. That’s why I don’t sit around trying to think of schemes to make money, that’s why I’m not calling up TV stations or trying to widen my scope to the National political scene - I like what I do now on the blog, I like what I do now for work, of fucking course I’d love more opportunities and more money and I strive to be the best at everything I do - but if this is it, then, damn, I’ve done a fucking lot more than other people have. I’m lucky and I think I’ve had a good streak of luck for the past year. I’ll just keep riding it and let the chips fall where they may.

I now return you to your regularly scheduled brattiness.

Sid Tyler can walk, chew gum, and bang two broads at the same time.

Be seeing you,

- AP

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